Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my Mother's Birthday. She isn't here for me to tell her personally, to love her and hug her, or to give her all her amazing gifts that i'm super excited about. Instead, she is having way more fun than that.... she's in Disney World!

Can you beleive that? Dad and Mom went to DW and didn't take us with them?

Cruel.

No. I'm excited for them. I have been praying for their love towards each other and God to be refreshed, revived, and renewed while they are away.

Mom and I are very very different. The areas of school that she has been gifted in are complete opposite from what i was blessed with. (I am a Kilgore) Our brains work completely different. The way we think just isn't the same. Sometimes it can be so frustrating, but i've come to love her and even learned to laugh at her uniqueness.

Decorating, for instance... let's talk about that some more. Because clearly i haven't posted enough on it lately. Our tastes, once again are so different. It's kind of weird actually. (clothes aren't really decorations - maybe decorations for your body... but let's go there first) Growing up she would buy me outfits for Christmas... Hm? You remember those years? When you felt horrible because you didn't like it, but you wanted to love your mother... you just couldn't bring yourself to tell her that it wasn't something you wanted to wear. As most mothers can, she could tell my true feelings. She eventually learned to never buy me any clothes for Christmas. It kind of made me sad because i felt like i hurt her. I never said anything about it, she was just good at reading me and knew her money would be better spent somewhere else. Probably a wise decision!

It's actually funny. The older i get the more we agree on things... well some things. There are times when we both point to something and react with, "oooo i like that... it's SO cute." Then we turn and look at each other with that 'disgusted and shocked, o my gosh we actually agree on something' look. Or the times when i point something out (or her) and the other has the 'disgusted and shocked, o my gosh i can't believe you like that' look. It's always a toss up, you never know what you're going to get.

One year for my birthday she completely redid my whole room. Paint, Bed Set, Decorations, Furniture... It was the coolest most maturist room i had ever seen up to that point. That was what we were going for! haha! I was forbidden from coming up stairs until she had completed the room. It was a total surprise when i eventually got to see it. And i loved it, for many years!

Another place that she finds contentment with decorating is in the yard. She loves to buy plants and work outside. Last Mother's Day i spent the day with her at Lowe's - roaming the aisles as she ooohed and aaahhed over all the pretty colors and many ideas flowing through her head. I love to sit on the back porch and swing, as i watch her dig through all that dirt and arrange the pots just right on the deck.

One thing that is completely undeniable about my mother is her love for Seasonal Decorations. Especially Fall. I'm just going to come out and say it.... My Mom is pretty darn good at some Fall Decorations. I believe it's a release for her. She loves to do it (and i love to look at it!)! The older i get the more i appreciate her hard work towards these decorations. After being at the dorm the other night, i realize how much i appreciate HOME. Cozy, Comfy, Warm home. There is no other place like it and it wouldn't be the same without my mother and all that she does to make it this way. (I took this picture last week and told her i was going to post about it... i also took a picture of her, but i won't post that one - she might get mad at me)

Now you may come over in March and see a pumpkin deal hanging in the kitchen.... she just wants to drag it out so that you can experience Fall a little longer than it truly lasts. haha! She gets busy and forgets to take the decorations down... but it's all groovy! haha.

Oh! We've learned to laugh! Gotta love her!

I've posted a few funny stories about my mother from time to time. Like the famous technology to stop Ike post. You know, there are truly funny people who are really good at making everyone laugh. It's who they are, they are talented. Well, mom isn't one of those. She's the one who is dead serious and in turn makes you laugh (at her). Or the one who tries to be funny and ends up being the only one laughing.... then you eventually end up laughing because it's just so funny that she actually thinks through these things hoping to pull a Funny!

She was packing for Disney the other day and called to ask about a bag to carry in the parks. I distinctly told her she could NOT wear a Fanny Pack. "You just can't, mom, it's SOOO not in style anymore. That would be incredibly uncool." She laughed. It's been a joke for many years. Before hanging up i did eventually tell her, "Mom, you can wear a fanny pack and i will still love you. I just need you to OWN it. Embrace it and Sport it with confidence." She bought a long strapped purse/bag thing from Walmart. :)

Mom always tried to get me to play the piano growing up - because she loves it so much. I never listened. It became a chore and not something i loved to do. I wish i would have listened to her advice and instructions more. They do know what they're talking about - don't cha hate that sometimes. I'm thankful for the few times that she did push me to go to lessons. I have never forgotten what i learned, even though it was many years ago. I may not be as talented as her and my love may not go as deep as hers, but there are moments when all i want to do is sit down at the piano and play. None of that would be possible without her.

I am also thankful for all the years we spent singing together as a family. It was mom's idea you know. She has always been encouraging in this area. She continually pushes me and wants me to use my voice. She constantly reminds me of the gift and talent the Lord blessed me with and encourages me to use it whenever i get the chance. She is one of the main reasons that i even considered Adult Choir.

We've had our moments of disagreements, but i love her. I'll never forget the night at OBU when something happened to one of my friends that i'd never experienced before. I was so frightened that i couldn't sleep. I didn't even want to close my eyes because i was afraid. I called mom at 3 something in the morning and she talked me through it. She did that tricky mothery thing where they ask questions about your day and stuff to get your attention off of it. She prayed for me over the phone and then i went to sleep. (with the lights on)

There is something about praying with your parents. Praying with people in general. Something about it produces a love and bond with that person that you can't get anywhere else. I love it!

Thank you for my mother, Lord. There are so many things that i take for granted that she has done for me. Forgive me, Lord, and thank you for all of her efforts to be a loving mother. Bless her on this day. Be with her and dad as they spend time away together. Help her to have a truly Happy Birthday. I love You!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

I miss you and love you! Hope you're having fun in DW!! (Now hurry up and come open these presents on the kitchen table!)

Explore.

(My professor told this story the other day and it's had me thinking ever since.)

I bought a champion dog years ago. You know, the ones that supposedly hunt rabbits. I took it to this guy and asked him if he could teach it to hunt rabbits. "TEACH IT? YOU CAN'T TEACH IT. IT'S A CHAMPION. HE WAS BORN TO HUNT RABBITS." Well okay then. After a few years i took him into the woods, set him down, stepped back and waited to see what would happen. Yep. He hunted alright. Lizards. Crickets. No Rabbits. We kept trying every so often to see if he would ever find a rabbit. One day we were riding home in the truck from our adventure of exploring in the woods. A rabbit ran across the road. I knew the dog didn't see it, so i pulled over. I got the dog out of the truck, put him on his leash and started walking along the side of the road. I knew exactly where the rabbit crossed, but i wanted to see if the dog would notice. If anything would change. It was amazing! He froze as soon as he crossed the rabbits trail. Then off he went in the direction of the rabbit. Never again did he search for lizards or crickets. He found what he was created to do.

We are like the dog.

We need to explore. It's how we learn. How we find ourselves, our identity, what we were created to do.

It's like God is taking us out each day giving us opportunities, just waiting for the day when we walk across that scent and take off running because we've never smelt anything like it before. I see Him holding my leash, walking next to me, guiding me along this path that leads straight to the rabbit. He knows exactly where it crosses. And the whole time He is smiling.

Explore.

Release

My sister invited me to C-Town to spend the evening with her. Well, not just the evening, the entire night. I brought the air matress.... fun fun?

Not really.

I don't know what my deal is, but i can't do dorms.

That annoying echo-y sound from people walking and talking in the halls - UGH. The... oh, i'll just stop there.

I want to love my sister. I want to love being here. But i miss home. A dorm just doesn't cut it. OBU never did and this one certainly does not.

Within the few hours that i have been here i have met many different hurting people. Sometimes i forget how blessed i am to be at a Christian University. (No, it isn't perfect. Yes, you will find the same things as other Schools. But visit another campus and you are aware of how blessed you are.) I've met a girl who doesn't have contact with her mother, her father won't support her financially.... she is turning to other things. Sweet sweet girl - breaks my heart. I met another girl as she lay in bed with a boy.... Father, i lift her to you also. There is so much pain here. so much junk. trash. people trying to find something to fill them.... oh, our need of Him. Have you ever felt how much we need Him? It hurts sometimes.

I don't feel well. Not sick, just not well.

I don't know if it's because i am a girl and this happens once a month - it's just life for us. Or if unconciously it has something to do with schools/dorms/memories. I hope it's the first.

I have been talking with my Savior all night. I need Him so much lately. I am trying to overcome so many fears and conquer things.... i feel very weak and vulnerable. I need His comfort.

We walked across campus to the music building... i found a practice room... sat down at the piano and played away.

Well, played away the one song i can do by memory.

But it was great.

Tired, sad, weak, vulnerable me trying to give back to the Lord, with all that i have within me.

I remember reading something Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadraplegic) wrote. She lays in her bed many days praising God despite her circumstances. Praise the Lord O my soul and ALL that is within me. Some days she doesn't have much in her, but she finds a way to praise Him with everything that she has.

Tonight i am tired. weak. vulnerable. on the verge of tears.

I praise you with ALL that i have within me.

I want my release, my escape, my go to place to get away from everything else to be the Lord. The other day i just wanted to sit there and hold my bible close to my chest. I know that sounds weird. There have been so many nights within the past few months where i literally have to sleep with my bible in the bed next to me. I know that is probably creepy, but it's true.

This blog is all over the place. There is no purpose. No theme. I just feel like being completely transparent.

I read through some pages of The Divine Embrace, by Ken Gire a few minutes ago.

"To be loved by God," said C.S. Lewis, "not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son- it seems impossible."

I think about my bathroom that i'm working on and redecorating. I am so excited about it. I can't wait to go home and think of some creative thing to do in there. I can't wait to work on it. I walk in there every so often, not to use the restroom, not to fix anything, simply to look at what i've created. I stare. I want everyone that enters my house to come and see it. "Look at what i've done. I've never done anything like this before. Come see." I truly am delighted.

And that's how Christ is with me? This horrible, lazy, uncute, messy, weak, human, sinful, totally messed up, double minded, doubty, selfish, anxiety freak?

It breaks my heart.

He is delighted in me. His creation. "Come look at what i've done."

You think He just stares sometimes for no reason? Just because He is simply delighted?

Oh, what i should do in return.

To be intimate with Christ. To have a real, genuine, deep, personal relationship with Him like that of a husband and wife. One that lasts forever.

(random - if you haven't seen Fireproof... you need to go see it.)

He is delighted in you.

The other day in my Psychology class our professor took us through the relaxation/meditation deal-a-ma-jig. We sat down on the floor, turned off the lights with only the sun shining through the windows, each closed our eyes, and followed his instructions. He took us through all of these stretches and things until we were completely relaxed. At the end he asked us to picture this...

Think of a place where you can go and get away from everything else. The one place that you feel completely safe - it can be real, made up, somewhere you've been, somewhere you want to go... a place of comfort.

What do you see? What colors are there? What do you hear? What do you feel? Is the sun shining? Are you standing, sitting, laying down?

Picture Jesus coming.

Not to judge. Not to condemn. Not to tell you what to do. Not to give you instructions.

Simply to come and be with you. He walks up ( you see Him from a distance ). He comes and holds you. Sits with you. No words. Just comfort.

He looks you in the eye and says, "I love you. You are mine and nothing you do will change that."

In my brain i think... ok, who told you (professor) to say that? You been talking to some of my friends from church? haha! Just Kidding.

You know what i pictured? A place that i've never been too. I'm sure it exists - somewhere. I was surprised by what i saw. It wasn't a place i expected, but i was so relaxed from all of the stretches and things he took us through that i didn't have time to second guess or doubt myself. My thoughts were clear and i trusted the first thing that came to mind.

Here is what i saw:

A wide open field. Bright green grass. Bright blue sky. Sun shining down. I feel the warmth from the sun on my face and arms. I see the grass slowly, gently, peacefuly swaying back n forth from the wind. I am standing there with my face towards the sky, arms stretched out to the side.

Alright, well this is so random and if you haven't x-ed out by now.... i'm sure you're ready to. I'm nervous about this entry, but i don't have the time or the strength to worry about it tonight. No editing like usual. Publish Post.

I love You, Lord. You have me here tonight, in this dorm, around all of these people who i can see straight through and recognize are hurting, for a specific reason. Open my eyes, Lord. I want to see you, i want to hear you, i want to go away with You. I do praise you with all that i have within me. Thank you for my sister. Be with us as we rest tonight, guide our day tomorrow. May your Will be done. I love you, Lord. And i lift my voice to worship you. O my soul, rejoice. Take joy my King in what you hear. May it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear. Good night, Father.

i might have an anxiety attack.

I had to put this picture here so you could see the transformation..... GAG ME! O my goodness... never again.

I am super super super nervous about showing you these pictures.

After surviving the night with no loud booms or crashes from things falling off the wall, i positioned everything on the counter to hopefully stay.

I tried many different lay outs. I think i prefer the first with the flowers centered.

I really wish i could paint that ugly brown cabinet that i'm leaning against a pretty dark dark brown as in almost black (along with the cabinets/drawers underneath the sink). But that's just not going to happen. I haven't mentioned it to my mom, and i don't think i will. I have payed for all the decorations, towels, etc because i'll be taking it with me whenever i move out. One less room to worry about paying for and decorating when i find an apartment. Everything is ready to go with me and has my name written ALL over it.

This room is now complete.

Unless i find something amazing that i need to go in here :)

What do you think?

You are entitled to your own opinion. If that is hate.... keep it to yourself! No i'm kidding.

Majority of these items came from Walmart.

Candles. Rocks. Clear vase thing. All from Walmart.

Towels. Walmart.

Fabric. Walmart. Frame - a christmas gift from a friend.

Beautiful vase and flowers.... Oh, how i love thee. KIDDING!

This is my favorite part i believe. My first fake flower arrangement, and it matches sooo good!

The vase (which James would like credit for - he picked it out.) is from Walmart. And the flowers are from Hobby Lobby 50 % off.

Rug - on sale at JCPenneys.

Now i have to find something to complete the toilet/tub area. sigh.

This is currently sitting on the back of the toilet... tons of left over rocks, a random flower found in the drawer, a tiny white sea shelf that i got at the lake yesterday, and letters with an ugly bow (because i am SO not gifted with bow tie-ing).

Sorry that my camera isn't the greatest. Lighting and focus is always an issue.

Wanted

Your opinion is wanted. I have gotten all the decorations for my countertops in my bathroom, but now i'm trying to figure out something for the wall. Some kind of picture/art work/etc. Maybe with some shelves? I just have this huge empty wall and i feel like it needs something.

My question is (if i do shelves and frames)- Do i get white? Or Dark brown?

Originally, I had in mind brown. But then i got to thinking about how my door frames and crown molding(sp) were white and it made me think twice about the brown. I don't want there to be TOO much brown you know? We already have the towel on the towel rack, the shower curtain and the step out rug that are brown... plus i plan on getting a wicker laundry basket that is dark brown.... would brown shelves and frames be an overload? Should i go white?

And also you have to think about the objects that will be on, in, or around all of this. If you get brown that kind of limits your options for decorating (down to the yummy bluey color, and white). If you get white then you have all kinds of choices.

What do you think?

I'm totally into the deal where people get different frames that are completely different sizes and shapes and do a neat arrangement of it on the wall.... yet not with pictures in them. Just empty. No glass. Is that weird to you or can you picture that?

I also thought of doing a picture frame with an object in it. Like a big frame without the glass with like a cross hug in the center of it. Does that sound neat or not bathroomy?

I could also frame that beautiful fabric that i have.... i do love it. And it was a big inspiration for the room makeover itself.

Or i could cut up that horrible towel that i started making many months ago which has my last name on it (in the beautiful fabric) and put it in a white frame and stick that dude up on the wall.

I'm just kind of stuck here. I've been so excited and ideas have been pouring out... everything is coming together and then i look at the wall and go, NO i can't think about that yet. I've avoided it long enough. Well, now's the time. I have nothing else to turn to anymore. Everything else is done. It is time to face the dreaded wall.

What do i do?

Your ideas, suggestions, opinions, and whatever else you have to offer are very much appreciated.




Dad and I just tried to glue this white frame around my mirror.... it's not holding very well. The boards are old (trying to save money) and aren't exactly straight. They kind of fold up on the ends. NOT GOOD people. not good. I'm afraid that i'm going to wake up in the middle of the night thinking some bad guy is in my room.... nope, just the boards falling off the mirror. (That's why there are no decorations on the counters - i don't want any boards to come crashing down and break everything i done so far.) Also, you can tell that i was in charge of the boards on the left and dad was on the right. My side is straight. His leans closer to the wall the farther you go up. Grace. That's what that is. Just let it go, Megan. haha! It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful, remember?

I definetly had to change clothes for this picture because i had on the exact same outfit that i was wearing when i took pictures of the old bright green bathroom. So not cool.

excuses

I have two papers due tomorrow. Neither have been started. One of them isn't actually a paper that is due, but instead the outline of the paper. Basically the same thing. You have to do all your research and figure out the order, so it might as well be the paper that is due.

I got home around 4:30/45 - ish and didn't feel like starting it yet. Why? Well because I have Thursday Night Women's Bible Study that starts tonight at 6:30. My brain just doesn't work that way. I am the type of person who can only start something if i have enough time to finish it. Now it only takes me about an hour at the most to write a paper, but you are never 100% positive if you'll get distracted or have a brain fart/writer's block... which would then set things off. I just can't do it people. I have to do this event, then move to the next one. I mean i am a multi-tasker believe me, but yeah, my brain just prefers to handle one thing at a time when it comes to school assignments. I don't like school.

All of that to say i couldn't start my paper, even though i clearly had almost 2 hours to work on it. Instead, i made a grocery list for the next 5 days. Mom and Dad are leaving tomorrow for their 25th Anniversary Trip! I got excited and figured i could use the next few nights to practice cooking dinner and such. (i've been thinking about graduation a lot... it's changing a lot of things for me now) If i mess up, i won't have anyone here to make fun of me. It'll just be me giving myself a hard time, which is probably the worst person and opinion of all. I think the most exciting part for me was making the actual list for the next 5 nights and then moving on to make the grocery list. I am a list person. You should know this about me. I tend to do them too much (especially in classes where teachers lecture and lecture and lecture- perfect time for planning out things, making lists...).

6:25 i get in my car to head to Bible Study ( i must admit, i wasn't very excited about going... as you can see with the time i left my house. I'm too worried about this paper being done. And you see if i had started it and didn't finish i'd be even more worried about it and not concentrating on the bible study/speaker.) Well i pull out my form that i got in the mail with all my information for the Study and was getting my money ready to purchase my book (all while driving) and i see, Thursday Evening at 6 PM. What? I'm 30 minutes late? NOOO!

I believe i felt a tear roll down my cheek.

I am SO hard on myself. I felt so so so stupid. I don't like to feel stupid.... It's the one thing that will make me break down and cry. I'm retarted, i know. Or just a girl. It's that time of month where tears are ready to flow for no appearent reason. I am stressed from school. I have 2 papers due tomorrow.

One thing i do NOT like is walking infront of people. If i'm even 2 minutes late to class i will not go because i hate walking in and feeling like everyone is staring at me. I'll take my absence, thanks!

I decided to keep driving and take a gander at who all decided to go to Bible Study tonight. Remember, it is the FIRST night of the Study.

O my goodness. Definetly not going now...

I had already made up my mind, but you just double made it up for me.

The whole parking lot was FULL and spilling over to the side of the building where the Youth meet.

No Thanks.

I have two papers due.

(Did i say that already?)


I need to have an excuse to make myself feel better.

I'm already 30 minutes late. I have two papers due. My tummy is not in the best place. And yeah... that'll do.

Update* It is a bad idea to blog and then write a paper. My grammar is already horrible enough. When i blog i think outloud. I usually don't use complete sentences.... not good with a college paper. I kept typing short sentences thinking my professor could hear the proper stressing on certain words in my mind. hmm?

Simple Woman

For Today... October 6, 2008

Outside my Window... the neighbor is mowing and the sun is shining through the trees.

I am thinking... that i think entirely too much. I am currently working on conquering this issue and it's so much harder than i ever imagined.

I am thankful for... Philip saving the day. Keep reading and you'll find out what i mean.

From the kitchen... we have a fairly empty sink.

I am wearing... brown t-shirt, khaki capris, brown flip flops, hair down AND straightened. I actually made myself get ready for school today!

I am reading... my bible.

I am hoping... that I will get over my issues and come to know my Savior more.

I am creating... my bathroom still. Also a few projects here and there because i'm in the crafty mood.

I am hearing... Kids playing (very very loud), laughter, music, gum being popped, and my keys as i type.

Around the house... every other room is empty and quiet. Everyone is crammed into this one room doing many different activities, as loud as possible i believe. This is the least of my worries right now - everyone is happy and that makes me happy!

One of my favorite things... being accepted and feeling loved.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... Sunday School meeting tonight, homework, quizzes, Choir Practice Wednesday, Research due and Paper due and Bible Study Thursday, 2 papers due on Friday, hopefully finishing up my bathroom, MP3 Sunday... i'll stop there. I'm learning to balance and handle many more things that i thought i was capable of.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... (*picture approved by mother of child) This is KJ having a GREAT (yes, it deserves caps) attitude and eating a snack as her horrible, retarted, and obviously inadequate babysitter tries for 30 minutes to get her out of her car seat. I tried to muster up all my strength and could NOT get the button to budge at ALL. I felt like a complete idiot, but amazingly calmed down enough to think to move her and the car seat into the air conditioned house. I called Cari who was polite enough to not laugh and make me feel stupid. She in turn called her wonderful husband who stopped by after work and saved the day. One little click with his finger and it came undone. SERIOUSLY? I was really hoping it would not budge for you also.... so you could see that i wasn't lying. I mean you could have at least acted like it was hard or something - a little squinted face, a grunt or something? Nope! Appearently i have no muscles.

Who knew?

I think this proves that i am not simple - instead i can find a way to make EVERYTHING difficult.

*** LH came home from work and i explained the story to her.
Me: "I totally understand if you never want me to watch your kids again."
LH: "O no, i should have told you. That seat gets stuck all the time. I'm sorry."