Had To Share This With You

Does that not look delicious? I want to make it. I don't even drink Coffee (not sure if i even like it), but this here just sounds and looks SO yummy. I appreciate the fact that they have pictures on one side of the card and the recipe on the other. I'm one of those who can't eat something unless it looks enjoyable. Seafood - yeah, that's a NO GO for me. Maybe i'm missing out on some pretty delicious food there, but i don't care. I simply cannot do it. But this here.... i'm thinking i might have to try it.

I'll even be super sweet and give you the recipe...

Frozen Mini Cinnamon Coffee Cheesecakes

12 NABISCO® Ginger Snaps
2 tablespoons of MAXWELL HOUSE® Naturally Decaffeinated Instant Coffee
1 tablespoon water
½ cup SPLENDA® No Calorie Sweetener, Granulated
1 (8-ounce) container PHILADELPHIA® Light Cream Cheese Spread
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 ½ cups thawed COOL WHIP® Whipped Topping
1 Cup fresh raspberries

1. Line 12 muffin cups with paper liners. Place 1 cookie in each paper cup. Set aside.
2. Mix coffee granules and water in large bowl until coffee is dissolved. Add SPLENDA® Granulated Sweetener, cream cheese spread, vanilla, and cinnamon. Beat with wire whisk until well blended. Gently stir in whipped topping.
3. Spoon evenly over cookies in muffin pan. Top each cheesecake evenly with raspberries. Cover and freese for 3 hours or overnight.
4. Remove from freezer about 10 minutes before serving to soften slightly.

Tell me how it goes if you decide to make it! Have a fabulous weekend!

That was then.... this is now.

I've been reconnected with some friends from many years ago over the past few weeks. I'm so glad that we're back in touch again. We've sent a few emails back and forth, updating each other on our families and lives. Memories. Good memories at that!

Sometimes we get so bogged down in our mistakes from the past. atleast i do. We hold on to the bad painful things instead of clinging to the happy moments! Why we choose to dwell on those that hinder us from moving forward, i do not know.

I'm thankful for a chance to think back on the good years from my childhood. The many moments we spent with these friends! She even said they're coming to visit sometime soon! YAY YAY YAY!

I'm posting these pictures to show her family the transformation from Game Room to Media Room. So much has changed since we've seen them.

Mom and Dad painted the room. The chairs came from Ivan Smith - much cheaper than theatre seats.

Then dad built this little platform dealy to raise the second row of seating. They bought the carpet, glued it down all by themselves.... and then mom rolled across it to make sure it was flat and secure :) !

All the technical stuff.... too many wires for me. It's all been confined to one remote though. That makes my heart happy! One single remote that has been programed to work 6 different things. Amazing!

They ordered sound panels from online to cover 1/3 of the room. This is so mom and dad can sleep through our late night movies!!! If you shut the door it soaks up the sound and you can't hear it through out the rest of the house. Mom and I told dad where to hang them and he hammered away.

Rock Band anyone? I really need you to appreciate the fact that the blanket matches. I come in this room everyday, fold the blankets (since others appearently do not know how to fold), and lay the matching one over the top to hide the rainbow of colors. I need it to be this way.

Behind the back row we put our exercise equipment.

Bicycle and Treadmill.

They don't get used very often. In seasons i guess you could say. You know when you get fired up for like 2 days.....

So there it is. Our Do It Yourself Media Room.

Movie Night anyone?

False Feelings

I have a test tomorrow that i should really be studying for, but i can't find a single bone in my body that will commit to sitting down and learning the information.

Will power? What?

Yeah.

Tuesday morning i was sitting in class(the same class that i should be studying for) and of course i wasn't paying attention. I got into a bad habit of making my To Do List and any other lists i could think of during that time. It's lunch time, third class of the day back to back, an hour and 20 minutes long..... my brain just gives up by then.

No lists were made Tuesday, that i can recall. Instead i had a book that i was reading. I know... you're probably thinking, 'that's so rude.' Forgive me.

It's a Godly book. That makes it better right? A devotional sort of book, if you will. When God Pursues A Woman's Heart... by some lady - Cindy M. - I can't think of her last name. Sorry.

After i finished a chapter in my book i decided to write out a prayer. It takes more time when you do that. You are thinking about your words. Going through them slowly. Dwelling on them. And it's always interesting to look back on later... although sometimes painful.

I started by proclaiming who He was.

Father. God. Creator. Healer. Deliverer. Comforter. Rock. Jesus Christ.

Then i admited exactly where i was.... my mind, my heart, me. And told Him i was sorry for not trusting or having enough faith.

I went on to beg Him to pursue my heart until it was His - no matter how high the walls.

To not let all my preconceived ideas or feelings to get in the way of me recognizing and experiencing Him.

Please, show Your power, Lord. Even right now with my weak mind and soul.... please don't delay. I know and believe You are God - You are on your throne. You will come.

As soon as i got done praying this verse came to mind.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9

It was as if the light came on all of a sudden and i understood it in a different way.

Excuse me. I need to back up a little so that you aren't completely lost. Here are some of the lies, or whatever you would like to call them, that have been resounding in my head.

You aren't attracted to Godly men.

You are so sexual. That's what you want.

You will not marry a good guy. It's not what you want.

You weren't created for that.

You can't be in love with the Lord.

You want this... (sinful, ungodly, evil things)

Should we stop there?

All of a sudden it was as if He said to me.... You, in your human sinful selfish nature may feel like you want these things. Deep down you may actually even physically feel that desire within yourself.... but I AM TELLING YOU... You Do Not Want That In Your Life.

You may not feel that way.... but believe me... YOU DON'T WANT THOSE THINGS. It will not be good for you. Trust me on this.

It was like a mother telling her child, baby you don't want to eat that much candy. But yes mommy i do. It looks so yummy, i know it taste yummy, it's my favorite, i really feel like i want that. But no sweety, trust me, you DO NOT want that much candy. It's going to turn out bad after you taste its goodness. You don't want it. Physically you may FEEL as if you want it, but no, you really don't.

I'm so much of a feeler. I take what's inside and express it to people. I want to be genuine so i thought that's what i had to do. O how i had been deceived.

We can't live off of our feelings. We can't love based on our feelings. You may feel a certain way - you may truly truly feel a certain way - but what does He say?

DON'T TRUST IT. TRUST ME. EVEN THOUGH IT'S OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU FEEL. PLEASE TRUST ME. I'M TELLING YOU, IN THE LONG RUN, YOU DON'T WANT THOSE THINGS.

Change my heart, O God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, O God. May I be like You.

The Gang.

I've been wanting to take a picture of us for a few weeks now. So here we are!

The Crew.

Gotta love cameras with timers. I had ten seconds to set it and then run and squeeze into the photo.
Zoey shares my love for taking pictures.

And Cutie here with M&M's all over her mouth. She wouldn't let me fix her head band. She can do it all by herself!

And the boys...... we'll get their picture another day. They were busy being too cool!

Family, Fun, Friends, Fortunes

"I go to school for 7 hours, then i have a babysitter til' 5, then we eat supper, do homework, take baths and go to sleep. We never get to spend time together. I'm always in school."

This little girl cried to her mother. Claiming that they don't spend enough time together. It surprised me, honestly. I'm not sure why, but it caught me off guard, not to mention broke my heart. It immediately made me think about how blessed homeschool families are. If you think your children don't care - it's not true. Take this little girl for instance.

This family has 2 children - 4 years apart, opposite sex.

I sat there watching the older one play in her bedroom all by herself and thought about my future family. I don't want my children to feel alone. I want a big happy family with lots of laughs. I want us to enjoy being together. I want the siblings to feel like they have someone to play with, connect with, talk to.

four. That's it. four kids.

Sounds like a good number huh? Not too big, but not too small of a family. :) (obviously i have no idea how many children i will really have, but i'm thinking four sounds really good right now. Give or take a little.... I've heard your desires can change as you get older. We'll see.)

I'm not sure if i mentioned this on here, but i am now responsible for picking up 4 kids from school as opposed to just 2 like last year. Their ages range from 2-9. The opportunity kind of rose up out of no where. The mother of this new family mentioned it to me this past summer, but wasn't sure about the pressure of me having all those children. She told me she would try to find someone else.

She did.

But then some circumstances and situations happened in that sitters life so the mother felt it best to find a new sitter.

I like to think it was God's soveriegnty. If it's His will it'll come back around in His timing.

I find it slightly humerous that i received this phone call the day after i mentioned wanting 4 children. There may not be a connection at all, but i couldn't help but laugh.

2 boys. 2 girls. and me.

That's not my future family - that's us - the after school gang right now... lol

The boys are a year apart and get along perfectly. Levi has been wanting a friend for a long time, but has been too scared to leave his parents to go spend time at a friends house. When i got asked to combine the families and keep the children, i felt it was just what he needed. Appearently C, the boy in the other family, needed some boy time also. As soon as we walk in the door from school they throw off their backpacks not wanting to miss any second they can squeeze in together.

The girls, well.... i'm not sure how they feel about the whole ordeal. They are 7 years apart, but i see it as an opportunity for each of us to grow. Me - in learning to love them both despite their 7 year age gap. Zo - in being brave enough to branch out to K. She loves little children, but i think is shy to be silly with her... you know? You remember wanting little kids to like you, but not wanting anyone to see you talking or being goofy with them. It'll be a great opportunity to teach her how to handle little kids, and to love! K - well, she just gets a ton of attention because she keeps us laughing. I'm not sure what she can learn from this, but surely there is something there. lol.

I don't have confidence as a babysitter, so this has really been a growing experience for me. It's been especially rough the past 2 weeks because of my mental and emotional state.

Yesterday i woke up ready to fight. I know you may think i'm silly or dramatic, but i don't care. I was determined to put others before me and give give give until i had no more energy. Maybe the busier i was, the less my thoughts would consume me. And eventually conquer them.

K gets out of Day School at 2:30 so we always have 30 minutes to waste. I decided we would make a Walmart run during that time and then head to get the rest of the kids at 3. (Did i mention they're not at the same campus? 4 children - 3 seperate campuses.)

We (K and I) had so much fun shopping together. I had to get a few bathroom items - shampoo, body wash, face wash, toothpaste.... all of which K responded with, "i na have dis ah my home". We sniffed all the shampoos and soaps. She was making me laugh, and it felt so good! Just what i needed. I would squeeze the bottle so that the air would squirt on her face and she would smell the scent of the shampoo. Her little face would squint each time as she waited for it to hit her and then explode with giggles.

Once we had all the other kids we headed home. I decided to post pone Levi's homework since C had to leave early for a doctors appointment. The boys played together for 30 minutes and then off he went. We searched the house and could NOT find a single pencil, so homework was even more put on hold. Since i was turning over a new leaf i figured we would go for a walk.

The kids were all excited at the mention of the idea, so we headed out the door and down the street. We didn't make it very far before they spotted the nearby school playground. I really wanted to walk and not play, but i fought the temptation to put myself first. I died to the desire to be lazy and took off running towards the play ground. "I'm going to beat yall!"

We had so much fun playing together. It was a really good day! So busy and productive! Filled with so much love and laughter.

Later that evening i met with some girlfriends at the library to have a 'homework' night. We weren't studying for the same classes, but that wasn't the point to begin with. I need to invest time, love, and effort into relationships with some other girls. Even though we were busy doing homework, it was a step in a new direction. Totally out of my comfort zone. Gosh - it's really hitting me how insecure i am. Or shy. Or something.

I made a date to spend Thursday evening sleeping on their couch in their dorm apartment. We have bible study that evening and then we'll have girls night for the rest of the evening. I already miss home and my bed and i haven't even left yet. I'm pathetic.

AHHH. It stresses me out. But the only way i will ever grow and get over my fears is to face them head on. I'm trying to make changes. I just feel very vulnerable.

My brother had an intramural soccer game last night. I attended that also.

Tonight Stacy and I are going to the library to do some research for one of my classes (because i've never done it and don't know where to start or how to use anything). So sweet of her to take time to help me. Afterwards we will head over to the soccer fields to endure yet another wonderful soccer game.

There isn't anything significant to this post.... no point really. Just wasting time until i have to be at the library. 2 papers. 2 tests. 1 research project. It's a busy stressful week, but i'm keeping my head high.

So, how has your week been? Have you ever have a difficult situation in your life that you've had to learn to conquer and fight through?

Look at this fortune that came out of my cookie from the chinese restaruant. (no i don't believe in psychics. But i do believe in a God that can speak in any way He chooses. And you know it's always interesting to see what your slip of paper will say... admit it!)

Those who do nothing but wait for their ship to sail has already missed the boat.

And.... This was at the bottom of an email i received last week. I'm taking the hint that He's obviously trying to send me.

God gives every bird its food, but He doesn't throw it into their nest.

We must get out. We must go. Out of our comfort zones... to the places that bring us the most fear and require all our energy. He will direct our steps and bless our efforts.

I love Yall! Have a great week!



Father i pray over whoever reads this blog. I know that i'm nothing special and definetly not very wise, but i want this to be nothing more than a place to share my heart. Forgive me and correct me when it becomes more than that. I give it to you. Be my strength and desire as i step out and do new things. Thank you for your words that you spoke to me in class today. I need you, Lord, more than i will ever know. Take my heart - Hide it in Yours. I love You.

Simple Woman

For Today... October 27, 2008
Outside my Window... the sun is shining through the tree limbs and the wind is blowing. It is very cold today. I say very - for me it's cold, but i'm ALWAYS cold. I'm sure some Northerner's could come down here and think i was crazy for even considering this 'cold'. Is that even how you spell northern??? it looks wrong.
I am thinking... that i'm going to have to fight a little harder than what i've been doing.
I am thankful for... my family - especially my parents. They provide a place to live, food to eat, money for me to go to college, and many other things i do not deserve.
From the kitchen... dad is getting ice and water from the fridge. I can hear the machine crunching. Dishwasher is loaded, counters are clean, and dad is heating us up some chicken for lunch.
I am wearing... an IBC D-NOW t-shirt from many years ago (i didn't even attend this dnow), blue jeans, tennis shoes, and a pony tail.
I am going... to pick the kids up from school in a little bit.
I am reading... finishing up 2 Kings and starting to read through Numbers. Also The Divine Embrace by Ken Gire.
I am hoping... to pass my test at 1 o' clock. I didn't find out that i had one until around 8 o' clock last night.
I am creating... a new routine for my day because i'm trying to conquer many issues in my life. Most of them being mental, but affecting my physical. That sentence doesn't sound complete... affecting my behavior - is that more correct?
I am hearing... dad cut up his chicken, and the Vonage commercial on tv.
Around the house... Mom cleaned on Saturday - the kind of cleaning that is for your health not neccesarily visible to the eye! Dad, China, and Me are here eating lunch and about to head back to work or school.
One of my favorite things... feeling productive and happy.
A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... test, run to walmart, homework, adult choir, bible study, research, hanging out with friends.
Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...
This is two years old. September or October of 2006.

a little transparency.

You may not want to read this post.... i understand if you decide not to.

depression, doubts, anxiety - that's part of my 'this' on my last post. Majority of my struggles are mental. (which has a lot to do with depression) I've had to force myself to get out of bed for the past week. I've had to force myself to literally STOP thinking about certain issues. I've had to force myself to go out in public. So many things that i'm dealing with.

I will be the first to tell you that i've had plenty of moments where i've sat and thought about God. How it would be so easy to see how and why people don't understand or believe in Him. To doubt if He really exist. To wonder if i was ever saved. The list goes on....

But i do this with every aspect of my life.

I do not believe that i'm a depressed person because of a chemical imbalance in my brain or anything like that... in my heart or mind i have always felt that it had something to do with my relationship with God. Never the less, it's a struggle that i'm working through... wether it's how i'm created and must fight through for the rest of my life - or if it is something about me not trusting God. (and i realize this is blaming myself, yes.)


I had to babysit last night so that my parents and another couple could go to the movies.

It's been a really really tough past couple of days.....

I didn't want to be alone so i asked my sister to go with me. Her boyfriend was coming in so she would only be able to stay for 2 1/2 hours with me. When it came time for her to leave i literally had to hold my tears in. (She doesn't know this) But I was so lonely. A loneliness that i wanted my Savior to fill SO bad, but felt like He would never come. Just please, show yourself to me. Why won't you come? What am i doing wrong? Is it my heart? Because i'm human and if you're waiting on me i'm never going to get anywhere. God, please. Fix me. Why don't i care about anyone? Why can't i feel anything? I'm so blind. I know you're all around me, but nothing makes sense to me right now.... it's been too long. When will i grow up and learn?

You know the feeling.... in a room full of people, plenty of opportunities yet feeling so alone, not to mention vulnerable, on the inside.

The little girl started crying all of a sudden for no apparent reason.

I want my mommy.

I picked her up and sat down in the rocking chair with her.... I fought back the lump of tears in my throat for a while - then i just let it flow.

tears streaming down my face.

I know... me too.

I held her so close and scratched her back for who knows how long. Her breathing turned loud and heavy and had a rhythm to it - so peaceful in that moment. so real. She was SO close to me that i couldn't help but feel her with me. I sat there rocking, listening to her breathing, scracthing her back, crying and talking to God.

God, i'm hurting.

I decided to talk to her about it.

Do you know Jesus?
sniffle.... noooo.
Do you know who God is?
uh.. mm... yeth.
He loves us you know. Don't you wish He would come over here and sit with us and love on us?

I know i'm retarted. But i wanted Him in the physical to come and tell me to my face... Megan, you are going to be okay. I am here. I love You. Quit listening to this and start listening to this....

A teacher at school mentioned my weight Friday... in a very blunt way. I saw him walking up so i smiled, waved, said hello, how are you? His response was, a squinted questionable disgusted face....
uh o my. Are you losing weight?
No sir. Do i look like it?
My goodness yes. Don't lose ANY more.

Thank you. Thank you SO much. Was that suppose to be one of those critical i care about you compliments? I mean seriously?

You look disgusting... anorexic.... sick.... what the heck is wrong with you?

I walked to class wondering if you could really see it showing. I told mom about it later and asked her if i looked like i was losing weight. She said yes. Well, you can tell in your face.

She knows my issues. I decided to pour out my heart to her the other night, because i didn't know what else to do. (i'm sure it hurts as a mom to realize your daughter is still struggling with the same thing that was bothering her 3 years ago.... thinking it had all passed and was gone.) I should be stronger.

I have to remind myself that i will get through this. Even though it seems like an eternity. I just feel so ignorant. People probably think i'm the most annoying stupid person in the world. I don't mean to be....

He is doing something in me - even though i don't understand it. Teaching me to be strong. To listen. To recognize His voice. To surrender to His will. To have confidence in the decisions that i make, because He told me himself.

Right now i feel like i'm being blown back and forth.... swimming laps down and back.... trying so hard to surrender to this voice that i feel, but this other one constantly coming back. God, is this you? Did i hear you wrong? Maybe i thought i knew you, but really i am missing all your signals? O where are you? Please get my attention.

I must choose. Choose to get out of this chair. Choose to make friends. Choose to surrender to the pain.

He will come. I choose to believe it.