Saturday, October 18, 2008

i need a title.

About 2 weeks ago a few of us went to see the movie Fireproof. If you have not had the chance to see it yet, I highly recomend it. The Marshall Cinema was not showing the movie so we had to go over to the Theatre in Longview. 7 o' clock and 9:45 PM were the 2 options we had to choose from. We had planned on going to the 7 o' clock show because it was a school night, but one of our friends didn't get off work in time.... 9:45 was our only option after that. Since we had 2 1/2 hours to waste we decided to go eat at a nice sit down restaurant. While we were waiting to be seated James and I had this conversation. (with a few changes i'm sure... it's been a few weeks...but here is the gist.)

James : I learned about you in my sociology class today.

Me : You learned about me? What did you learn?

James : We learned about the two types of personalities. You are either a depressed personality or non-depressed personality.

(this is where i automatically think to myself... o great, i wonder which one is me.)

Megan : Uh huh.

(at this point James described both of the personalities to me - with examples of course because i'm a detailed visual person - but i can't remember what a nondepressed personality does... I only remember the DP because well, it's me.)

James : Say something bad happens to you; you get a bad grade on a test. The depressed would say, ' I didn't study hard enough. ' They would automatically blame themselves. Now say on the other hand something good happens - instead of accepting it they make up an excuse to blame themselves. This type of person simply cannot accept when something good happens to them. They will make up excuses to blame themselves to show you it shouldn't have happened.

Megan : so you think that's me?

James : yes

Megan : well it's not.

James : Okay and why not?

(i think for a while and as i'm spitting the words out of my mouth i realize that i'm blaming myself...)

Megan : nevermind.

James : uh huh.. what?

Megan : i was about to give you an excuse to prove that i wasn't a depressed personality, but even in my excuse i was giving you a reason for me being that way = blaming myself.

That's sad you know it. If that didn't hit me right in the face then i don't know what else could. Of course, i can always blame myself and convince myself otherwise. Not on purpose... but because that's who i've become.

James : You haven't always been this way.

Megan : Why do you say that?

James : You can tell by the way you tell stories.

Megan : What do you mean?
James : If you tell a story from high school and before or younger you will place the blame on someone else. But if you tell a story from your freshman year until now it's the complete opposite. Everything changes and now it's all you.

Megan : So you mean - since the deal with my x?

James : possibly.


But what does this mean and how do i let the past be the past? How do i LET it GO and move forward? How do i trust myself again?

I was scheduled to sing this past Sunday Evening in the special music spot. The whole week i was freaking out about the whole ordeal. I wasn't worried about what i would sound like. What i would look like. Or even what you would think about it. You know what i was concerned with?

My motives. My reasoning. My heart. If i was genuine.

Now sounds like a pretty good thing to be worried about - but not to the point i've taken it. I automatically thought about this depressed personality.... Megan, don't you see that you are being that - you are proving it right here. You are already blaming yourself (before it even happens) for whatever good that comes from this to be false... because you think you were up there faking that you were in love with and experiencing the Lord. Stop it. Just stop worrying about it. Get up there and sing.

For about a week this continually came to my brain with everything that i did.

Appearently this past week they learned some more about the 'depressed' personality. I'm not sure how to explain this one, but i will give it my best try. When making decisions this person will try to imagine the future in their mind. They will try to picture it and see how they feel - and then base that feeling on figuring out who they are. Which is very misleading.

I had nothing to say because - yes, this is how i do things. I mean his whole reasoning for telling this to me was because i told him a story that reminded him of this lecture he had heard in class. I know that is one big run on sentence, but you get me.

I don't know what to do about it.... i mean, i just..... ugh i dont know.

Every time i type a blog i freak out - Did i tell the complete truth when typing that? Was i being real? Being me? Did i lie? What if my motives were wrong? What if i just want attention?

There are days when i literally will post some things and then later come in and delete them because i can't take the anxiety.

I remember one day growing up my dad was driving me somewhere. (i can't remember how old i was, where i was going, or what we were even talking about.... ) But i do remember him saying this sentence to me - when you stop lying to yourself, you'll stop lying and fooling those around you. This has come back up in my mind obviously. I know that we can live in the past and get so bogged down with who we used to be that we never trust ourselves to move forward. (some say it's the enemy - i use to blame it on him, but who am i to even think he would want to mess with me? I'm sure he's got bigger better people who are more likely to make an impact for the Lord than i would - those are the ones he is after.) I mean obviously i used to lie about things - i did it with my x - that's why i don't trust myself to be honest now. I keep praying for the Lord to help me grow up ( if i am still this person ) or either to trust that it's the past and i'm NOT that person anymore and i don't have to live in bondage.

I could list you everything that is going on in my brain right now... like how i am doing this for attention. or to fool everyone. or acting like i am this D Personality and not admitting the truth. Quit deceiving yourself.....

I just don't trust myself. I wish i could.

If you could pray for me about this - i would really appreciate it. I need to get to a place to where i trust myself or either realize that my motives are wrong and get my heart right. I'm sure you could guess which one i believe. Please pray. It's been too long that i've been dealing with this crap from the past - i'm ready to let it go, but i'm having an extremely hard time doing it on my own. I am now asking for your prayers....

I am so sorry if you think i'm a freak after reading this.... I just want to get past this... i'm tired. Too many nights i have sat there wondering what is wrong with me, and why i am so ignorant.... please pray.

I love you all.

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