Wednesday, July 30, 2008
For some reason i haven't been able to put words (through blogging) to what i have been learning through some awesome passages in the bible. So tonight this post will be very very, i'm talking, VERY random. I'm just going to start typing and see what comes out...
It seems as though something inside of me has changed within the past few days. Ok so i know that i didn't wake up all of a sudden and am a new person... i believe it's part of the process of falling in love with the Lord.
Last week while we were camping up in the moutains there were these moments where i felt like i needed to go outside, lift my hands up to the sky, and just be in AWE in total silence before my Lord... I was always afraid of what my family would think though. don't ask me why? aint got a clue. I suppose something to do with pride?
I have now resolved to let that crap go... i walked in the house today and felt the need to pray with my mother. I don't think i've ever asked her to do that. I flat out walked up to her and said, "can we get on our knees and pray?" so there in the middle of our living room around 7:30 tonight, we got down on the floor and prayed.
Like i mentioned last night, i want to be willing to do whatever He wants me to do - no matter how small or HUGE that may be.
I have cried out over the past 5 months for a heart that is genuine. Not a heart that knows all of the right things and prays them without truly truly meaning them. A heart that is flat out in LOVE with the Lord, who is passionate about reading His word, who will be so deep with Him that she can't help but recognize His voice over any other... a heart that is in LOVE with His way... the Way He intended for relationships to be... a heart that loves the needy... a heart that is not judgemental, but will stand in the way to help that person find a way to stop what they are doing... a heart that cares and understands... one that won't give up or give in... a heart that knows the right thing and wants to do it...
ok ok i'm blabbing on and on. I felt like in the past you could ask me a question and i'd be like, 'ok i know i'm SUPPOSED to feel this way, but i dont feel like i do.'
That was no longer ok for me...
I didn't want to go through the motions. I didn't want to sing songs at church and not feel anything in my heart. It's like ok this should mean something to me, this should grab ahold of me - WHY ISN'T IT? I couldn't take mediocre anymore. I had to spend time on my heart. I had to get to the place where this was all REAL to me.
I can't come before the Lord being anything but myself. He knows me, He knows my heart, He knows when i'm genuine... and so that's what i wanted. And i was willing to cry for months, even years until i found it.
Our pastor was talking about a woman who was lying on her bed, literally minutes from passing away. She layed there with this peaceful smile on her face like she was starring at something above her. When she was asked what was happening she mentioned that Jesus was calling her home... "it's Jesus, i can see Him."
I thought about myself when i heard that story.
I am supposed to love the Lord more than LIFE itself. More than my relationships. More than my career. More than my posessions. I am ONLY here to spread His Gospel, His love.
It's like pictured myself laying there going, "o my gosh... this is really about to happen. I am about to go meet Jesus. Did i do everything right? Did i do all that i was supposed to? Am i ready for this? Do i even know Him?" It's like i was freaking out. and that's opposite of what it should be.
Death is a beginning for us - we are finally going home. We should enjoy life here and live it to the MAX, sharing God's love to everyone we come in contact with. But we should be ready to go and meet Him. I should love Him more than anyone else in this world. I should be super excited and ready for the day for Him to return and call me Home.
Once again i can't even express all that was going through my mind that night. All i know is that i want Him. I want to love Him, i want to be ready and excited to go and meet Him... I want my heart to desire to be the door keeper in His courts than any other place... do you get what i'm saying?
Nothing else should matter to me. That doesn't mean that i'm not going to have desires or work towards things... it means the driving force behind all of that should be to proclaim Christ love in WHATEVER i'm doing. Wether it's working, babysitting, singing, driving my car, cleaning my house, disciplining my children, wearing my clothes... you get the pic!
I am scheduled to sing this Sunday Night at church... since i've gotten to this point in my life where i'm truly striving with everything in me to get my heart, mind, and life right with Him, i picked this song that talks about New Life Beginning.
Then And There (Lauren Talley)
Every road i'd walked had lead to no where.
Everything i'd tried had turned out wrong.
It seemed i'd lost my reason to get up every morning,
for I had lost all hope and lost my song.
Circumstances said I wouldn't make it,
but that was all before i met the Man who put His arms around me,
I heard Him say forgiven and I knew i'd never be the same again.
Then and There,
Settled and done.
Then and There.
No more walking on my own,
no more facing life alone,
no more struggling with guilt and despair.
A new Life began, Then and There.
And now my heart is getting restless
longing for the day He'll come.
When we've fought the final fight,
and our faith has been made sight.
And we stand before the Throne and hear Him say,
Then and There.
Settled and Done.
Then and There.
The victory won.
No more pain, no more fear
no more death and no more tears
no more walking through the night, for the Lamb will be the light
No more sin, no more burdens to bear.
A new Life begins, Then and There.
Then and There....
A new Life begins - Then and There.
I wish i could say that my life changed the moment that i asked Jesus into my life, and into my heart... but i can not. The destination changed, but me as a person did not change. I've often thoguht about that. Was i really saved? Did i know what i was doing? I've prayed over this situation many times because there are moments whenever it causes me so much anxiety and grief. My life has changed within the past months.... Then and There in those moments something inside of me decided to quit with the past and with the crap and change what i was doing. I had done it my whole life, knowing it was wrong - longing for what everyone else claimed to have, but never knowing how to get deeper.
I believe to many high schoolers or even people my age don't understand. They don't hang on long enough to see the fruit, the growth, or experience His presence. They expect to call on Him and in that moment EVERYTHING about their life, their heart, their attitude, their desires to change.... it's SO not about a feeling. We have to have discipline and fight. We have to hang on long enough, endure, keep reading, keep crying out and praying until we finally get the picture. He will come. He will show up. He just wants to see that you truly mean it. Or atleast that's how my story goes.
I went to too many youth camps getting on fire and it lasting about a week. Making all these commitments. Lifting my hands up and closing my eyes infront of all my peers. Talking about things changing... when nothing ever came from it. When truly inside i didn't feel or sense anything different.
I think i wanted to... but never fully grasped or understood what i was saying.
There is a place in my heart that wants those younger than me, those beginning this journey with the Lord to know that it's okay to admit certain things.... it's ok to feel like the bible is boring, it's ok to not understand, it's even ok to doubt if He is real.... TOOOO many of us hide so much of what we think about.
I want to be there whenever you feel like you don't understand, when you feel bored, when you feel stupid because you aren't getting what everyone else is getting, when you are doubting what all this means and if it's truly REAL... i want to be there for you to encourage you. To listen. To pray. To share if you need it. I believe it's important.
Maybe this is only my story.... but i don't think it is.
I am a person who wants my kids to know my past... not because i'm proud, but because i want to be completely transparent. They need to know that i screwed up. They need to know that i doubted too. They need to know that i didn't just wake up and totally understand and get excited about His Word. They need to see 'ME' - because all of that is apart of ME! (o' my goodness my eyes are watering... i think we've hit something.)
Anyways, i don't know how to close this, and i'm not even sure if it flows or makes sense... i want to be real. (flat out, nothing to hide, REAL) I don't want your approval, your acceptance, your applause... i want His. I want to sing and mean it. I want to pray and mean it. I want to love and mean it. I want to be changed by Him... truly!
How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young- a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, o LORD God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thosand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. Psalm 84
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We admitted to each other that no one had been a true mentor to us while starting our walk with the Lord, or encouraging us to continue on.
This friend asked me to think about it... He felt that it was important and that the Lord had laid it on his heart. I prayed about it every now and then, but never faithfully.
Not far from the day he mentioned it to me one of my religion teachers also brought it up. I made a note in the margin of my page that day in class.... to pray about mentoring someone. For the Lord to lay it on my heart a specific name of someone that He wanted me to spend time with. Share my specific story with.
I can't remember exactly how close these happened within each other... but if i'm not mistaken it was all within the same week or two.
I was studying and preparing my lesson for Sunday School - can you guess what the lesson was over? Being a Mentor.
I remember thinking back then that'd it definetly be frightening. I wouldn't have a clue where to start. What to do, or even say. I wish i could say that i've been praying since then, but i have not.
It's one of those moments where you pray for a few days and then you forget about it.... such a shame.
I say all of this because i have someone on my mind. I didn't dwell on it long, it kind of just passed through.... Her name and possibly the thought of mentoring.
A few minutes ago my mother came in the room with the phone in her hand. She had just hung up with a friend who wanted to thank me for the influence i was having on their daughter.
I couldn't even look my mother in the eyes. I stared at the floor holding back the tears from flowing.
I kind of laughed and my mother said - "Megan your walk is starting to match your talk and this person has noticed."
It was the same girl who i'd thought about earlier.
I am SO not worthy enough.... i've made so many many many mistakes in my life that most people probably don't even have a clue about. I'm not qualified nor smart enough, but thank the Lord... because in my weakness He is proven strong. I'm not sure what to say to this person or where to begin with her... I've never done this before. Which means that it's going to be a growing experience for each of us.
I am going to pray over this a little longer to make sure this is truly from the Lord. Then i am going to see how He leads this relationship and situation.
Have i used up my prayer requests, or can i ask you for another? :)
I am reminded once again the impact we have on people even when we don't realize it... it's when we aren't trying to please anyone but the Lord that we have the most influence on someone's life. [Be aware! People are watching - who are you living for?]
O God i'm listening... please please bring me into Your presence. A place where i am not worthy to be, but long to be so bad. I am realizing that you don't speak on my terms or my time... o but i want to be awake, alert, and ready when you choose to... Take me deeper Lord. Father guide me in this situation. Confirm this if it's what you want from me. May Your Will be done - I surrender all to You. I love You - I need You.
Monday, July 28, 2008
My emotions have been like a whirlwind inside of me all day. I have shed many tears today before the Lord - some out of frustration, others out of complete fear, and still others because i long to be in His presence. I long for everything in me to be His. I want to be willing to drop everything that i am doing and go where He calls me. Wether that be while i'm in a movie theatre and feel the need to get up and leave....or if it be to wake up at a random hour in the middle of the night and pray.... or to stand up for something that i believe in no matter who is there and what they'll think of me... if it be to lift up my hands infront of a group of people - with tears streaming down my face... if that means walking this way while everyone else i know is walking the other way... if it means stopping this job or that degree and starting another... i long to know Him and be completely obedient.
I posted a while back with some things that i was struggling with - i have been thinking on those for a while. I feel like i have come to realize some things, but haven't been able to post about them yet.
I have never truly had to make a 'decision' in my life. I mean up to this point everything was kind of planned out for me. When you're a kid you kind of just follow where ever your parents take you. You go to elementary school, middle school, junior high, high school, and then for me - college. Even when it came to getting a job in high school - i never made the decision on my own... my parents had to force me by threatening to take away my car.
I remember trying to decide where to go to college. I guess it was the first and only decision i really made... although the ONLY place i looked was Ouachita. I never had an interest in any school or career or degree - never had thought about... never had to make a decision towards MYSELF up to this point. I just figured one day i would wake up and KNOW! i dont know maybe? My choir teacher talked about OBU all the time through out my years in her choir program... never did i have an interest in it. She took groups of people down to visit the campus every year - never did i go. I don't remember the day that i changed my mind.... could not tell you when it even came into the picture. All i know and remember is that we took a trip up there all of a sudden and i auditioned for the Dean of the School of Music. I don't know have a clue what my thoughts were or my motives of going to this school... Both of my parents went with me to my audition. I warmed up with a wonderful encouraging lady who eventually ( a year n a half later ) became my voice teacher and person who i could confide in. After i sang through my songs for the Dean and Choir Teacher, they took me into this office with my parents... we were sitting there waiting to hear if they were going to offer us a scholarship and if so, what that amount would be.
They announced the amount to us... it was the highest amount they gave to anyone. I was excited (because back then didn't have much confidence), but i had no clue about money. I didn't know anything about tuition cost and if this award would help significantly or what not. I was just excited that i got anything at all. After we left the office mom and I stopped to use the rest room. I was still completely lost i guess (i thought everything was good, YAY we got a scholarship) - i remember her telling me that i could not go to school there. I stood there confused, realizing that i wouldn't understand because i didn't comprehend the whole money situation. We got in the car and started to head home.
For the next few blocks my parents argued over wether or not we should turn around and go talk to someone about our situation. (o yeah, this school was out of state) To this day i can see myself sitting in the back seat unafraid, not worried.... i'm not sure if it was a peace from the LORD... I just know that i knew this is where i was going (because my God isn't worried about money). I guess part of me was certain. I didn't want to look anywhere else - i dont know if it's because i just didn't want to, or if it truly was the Lord through me.
We did turn around that day - we talked to my admissions counselor and ended up getting more scholarships... they were so helpful and willing to do whatever it took to get me to this school. I still don't know if i made the right choice to go to that school. I regret a lot about it. Not the school, but i guess myself.
I spent too much of my time worrying about my 'decison'... i didn't feel right about my major, the guy i was dating, the school i was at...
I had never had a responsibility... i didn't know the Lord as much as i lead myself on to believe... I had never had to make friends ...
With the situation with my ex ending, i once again had no say in the decision that was made.... Don't get me wrong - i'm thankful that my parents stepped in. Who knows where i would be right now... I just wish that i would have been mature enough to choose on my own. I was just so worried about everything - expecting it all to fall into place and make sense... but nothing ever went away. All the doubts were still there - with the relationship (and with school.)
I sat there a few weeks ago thinking about my past and where i was with the Lord right now. I was so desperate to hear from Him... i had heard so many people talk about 'hearing' Him and being completely 'certain' that this is where He wanted them. i wanted that for myself. I trust in God - i believe in who He is, completely - i know what He is capable of - i believe in His power...
I am afraid of myself.
I know that He can speak to me - i was afraid i was not going to recognize it... I know that He loves me - i was afraid i was going to ignore His love and His guidance...
I don't trust myself.
It's like i look at life and situations in 2 categories -
Somethings happen to us that are completely out of our control... such as miscarriages, lost loved ones, car accidents, getting sick....
Then there are situations where we must 'decide'.
Remember this is what i'm not GOOD at it... have never had to do it. I know that God has plans for me - plans for a hope and future... and He will finish those plans. But I also know that i have to be willing to listen to Him and i ultimately must choose what to do. What if i don't recognize His voice? What if i 'choose' the wrong thing?
I guess in the past i have always taken situation number 1 above and been okay with it. I'll just let it go and realize that it was or was not God's Will. But when it comes to me listening to His voice and then 'deciding' - I freak out.
From that moment on i changed the way i was offering up my prayers.... (through reading another woman's blog and feeling lead to do so). I am still very afraid, but am learning to WAIT. Continually telling myself that He WILL speak to me when He is ready... all i can do is seek Him over and over, and ask Him to open my Spiritual Ears so that i can recognize Him in whatever way He chooses to speak to me.
I don't want to box in Him - we are called to have faith like little children... i guess i'm just really really worried that i'm not going to hear Him... then i'm afraid that i expect to hear Him in the wrong way....
I realize that this post is probably not making much sense and is very random, but i ask for your prayers. I have been trying to step out on my own for the past 4 months. To rely on my Father and not MAN. I've been seeking His face more than ever before in my life. I'm still unsure of what He is telling me, but in my heart i kind of feel like i'm getting a certain answer over and over. Not sure if it's Him though. I just keep praying that He will continue to speak to me over and over, like He did Samuel, until i recognize that it's the Lord that is speaking to me...
So i type this asking for your prayers - to be sure of what the Lord wants me to do in this situation.... no matter how fearful i may be. I want to hear Him for myself so bad, make a decision, and feel certain that it was the Lord who spoke it to me...
I want to make a decision on my own, people....
I also have some more prayer requests to lift up - A guy came up to me at church last night asking about my major... i told him (General Studies) and he responded with this, "you are better than that... that's a degree for people who have no goals." I wasn't sure how to respond to that... what to think. i'm not sure if the degree i'm getting is the one that Christ wants me to pursue. It's been on my mind for a while (actually since my freshman year, yeah see- still there) It's my last year of school so it's kind of late to change, but if that's what He wants of me then i want to be obedient. I took the easy way out a year ago thinking maybe this is where He wants me, but now i'm not sure. I can see both sides in the situation... I know that even though i may have taken the easy way and made a mistake, this could be exactly where He wants me and just wants my trust when May comes that He will guide me and open the door for a job or what not.... I also know that He may want me to change no matter the issues of money or time, and that even though i may not feel smart enough, confident enough, or qualified enough - He could very well be calling me to pursue this other degree.... so i ask that if this is where He wants me and the exact degree that He wants me to have that i will find His peace and continue on trusting Him with my future... if not then i will be able to stand up, get loans for myself (because once this year is over, i'm on my own), and fall in love with what ever He calls me to do.
Also, my mother turned in her two weeks resignation today.... i know i haven't mentioned anything, so this is probably a total shock. She didn't want to let it out until it was a sure thing. She had been praying about this job for a while - she did one of those 'specific' prayers where she asked for a flat out sign and if it didnt happen then it wasnt His Will for her. It kind of bothered me, but if that's what she felt lead to do then i trust her. Turns out He far exceeded her sign that she was asking for... so she felt like she couldn't turn down the offer. This job is less than she is making in her current one, but she feels like it's where He wants her. Pray for His confirmation continually even though the decision is already made. I just want her to be happy! Her job won't make her happy, only Christ will... So i just ask you to pray for her with this new job and yeah - you get what i'm saying.
K well..... this entry has been all over the place. And i'm sorry for that - i need your prayers. I want to know my Savior so bad.... I want to know what it means to hear His Voice... His guidance... i don't want to feel stupid anymore - like i'm doing the wrong thing when everyone else is so strongly feeling something else.... AHH, if you just knew my heart and my mind - i can't even express it to you. I'm so tired of jumping off one side of the fence, guessing that maybe this is the right way. For once in my life, i want to be Megan (completely on her own), seeking the Lord, and then in return hearing His answer.
Thank you all for the influence you are having in my life. You do not realize it... truly. Good night for now. I love each of you.
Father, Creator, Lover of my soul, please draw near. You know me inside, You know when my heart is genuine. I can't come before you being anything else than flat out what you see in me. I can't fool you.... sometimes i feel like my heart longs to be real, but my head tells me that i'm not there. Take me deeper Lord. You don't want me to know all the details or even understand - you just want my trust and obedience. Father i need you. I need you to open my ears and my eyes so that i can find You.... see You.... hear You... know You. I love You Father. I recognize that you know exactly what i need - so please help me to recognize your voice and where you are calling me. I will go, i just need you to show me... please. Forgive me for the sin in my life. O God, i long so bad to know You.... to feel Your presence. So here i am Lord - waiting on You... please come.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
As i was waiting a friend called to ask me some questions about blogging. I was trying to help her figure out how to change her background and find a new cute lay out. I decided to change mine, but i'm not good at picking... haha! I need the full picture, so i have to choose one, view my blog to see if i like, then change if i end up hating... well you see i don't really know where i got the old one before i changed to this one! So it looks like i'm stuck with this til' i find a cuter one. I just get lazy and don't feel like looking through page after page of lay outs! I'm thinking this one just doesn't look like me... and i really say JUST too much! Have you noticed? Because i have... it's like those people who say like, and like and like, over and over and you get annoyed. Well i'm sorry for the JUST!
I found a new singer that i really like! I bought her cd while we were out shopping this week in Branson! I will be posting some lyrics to her songs whenever i feel the need...
I am continually amazed at God's Timing and Faithfulness! I will have to save everything that i mean by this for another post... it will take a lot of space! I love You Lord!
I need to go over my lesson for Sunday School in the morning and eventually finish unloading my things from the camper! JOY JOY JOY! Sunday school is a joy... but not unpacking! That's a pain in the REAR! I feel like i have a lot to say, but i'm going to wait for another day to post all that!
Thank you for bringing us home safely Father! I find myself more and more aware of You and in love with You... draw me deeper Father - so i can find You! Help me to recognize You and choose to be obedient where ever you call me to go and whatever you call me to do. Thanks for the Youngs - it's been such a joy to spend the week with them. Be with Erin as she spends her last few weeks in Japan. Prepare my heart and mind as i study the lesson for tomorrow morning. Take over Father! May Your Will be done in this class! I love You! -me.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Birds Bathing - This afternoon i was sitting in the swing talking to God... lifting up my worries, thoughts, frustrations, fears, everything in my life. As i was sitting there a bird came and stood in the little stream of water running down the center of this area of woods. It started sticking its face down in the water and shaking his head. I mean i guess Birds takes baths too right? Never really thought about it... or maybe he was playing? Whatever it was doing, i found it beautiful! Sitting there splashing around in the water, shaking his head, sticking its beak in and out of the water, flapping his feathers - I believe there are moments when God is showing us Himself in a new way... even if it's completely simple like this tiny bird in the stream! I want my eyes to be open to whatever way He chooses to show Himself to me!
Cherished Moments - Beck and I returned to the camper this morning from the Bath-house... as we were walking up we noticed our Mom's laying in the hammock. NO not the same one! haha! Each family has their own! Although smarty pants (william) decided to hook them up to the same tree! It kind of looked like a 'V'... they were tied to the same tree on one end and hooked to seperate trees on the other. The tree at the point - which both hammocks were sharing was NOT very sterdy looking to me. Anytime anyone got on there it would rock back and forth... that just wasn't looking too appealing to me! I had refused to get on the hammock all week, out of complete fear of it falling or the tree breaking. Oh and i forgot to mention, there are tons of trees here which is a good thing, but there are so many it's hard to find a clear spot to place the hammock. We had to put it over the driveway - yes, CONCRETE! So that there was enough space for them to swing without hitting any other trees around. That was another reason i wasn't feeling getting on that rig... that's a broken tail bone waiting to happen right there! Long story getting longer - Beck and I decided to climb up with our moms and sit for a second before we had to go inside.
Rhonda : "We were just talking about how we needed to get up and go get dressed."
Karen : "Yeah, but i can't now... it's moments like these that i cherish."
Snap, Crack, Pop, and a big Boom! Both hammocks came crashing down within 15 seconds of Mrs. Karen talking about Cherished Moments... appearently that moment was NOT meant to be spent IN the hammock, but instead ON the concrete.
Karen : "O no, i'm bleeding... i think i might pass out!"
Rhonda : "No No, don't pass out, come sit down. let me get some ice."
Rebecca : " hahahhaha" - breathe - silent laughter....
Megan : "o my gosh.. i can't move. That's definetly going to leave a bruise."
I believe for mom it must have been like a trampoline because she just popped right up like nothing happened while i lay paralyzed on the ground. Beck was rolling in laughter, her poor mother cushioned her fall and in return got a bloody nose. Within a minute i already had a bruise on my toosh... it looked like a softball hit me. We all sat there laughing for about 10 minutes - like did this really just happen? It was stinkin HILARIOUS! No one was there except us... i wish that could have been on video. All i remember was listening to Mrs karen talking and then hearing this crack and seeing Rebecca turn her head like 'what was that noise'... then we were down. It all happened in about 1 second though. AAHH one of those had to be there moments. Atleast we know now 2 hammocks tied to the same tree cannot hold 4 people. And concrete is not a good cushion for your fall! We are each setting an appointment for the Chiropractor when we get back in town...
Dad's Dream - A couple of weeks ago, actually a few months, we were sitting at Apple Bee's eating lunch. Mom, Dad, Casie, and I started talking about Heaven and Christ coming back. Dad mentioned a dream he had... the time had come and all of God's Children were going up to Heaven. We were each inside this clear elevator looking thing traveling up towards the clouds... where you could see everyone around you. Only one person could fit in the clear case - which dad interpreted to mean that no one can be saved for you... each much choose on his own to believe in Jesus Christ. Although, you made the trip with your family.... each in your own clear elevator case thingy, yet grouped with your loved ones. As he was talking his eyes started watering - there are not many moments where i've seen my father cry. It touches my heart! It's so manly to me... He never finished the story - he told us that he would tell us later when he wasnt crying. Don't know why i shared that... it was just on my mind. I have spent the whole week around my mother and father - in VERY close living quarters... we've gotten to see things that normally aren't seen at home. I love it whenever my father is goofy! It's been such a good week! When we are at home it's like everyone gets caught up in there career, job, daily activities, then we come home eat supper and then it's like there's not much time loving on each other, and sharing.... chores are being done, books are being read, you know the case. This week no one has had ANYTHING they had to get done... We've been able to sit and relax with each other... a little too much for me! haha just kidding!
Anyways - we are On The Road Again in the morning! I'm ready to be home! I'm not looking forward to the car ride because my hiney and back are killing me from falling this morning... I hope you've had a great week also! Home Sweet Home, here we come!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tonight we decided to cross over the street and do the Sky Coaster - experience Bungee Jumping and Sky Diving... Or so the sign says at the ride! You would think after doing it 3 times before while i was in High School that i would not be scared, but NO! I was probably more nervous tonight than the first time i ever rode the thing. No fear of heights or anything of that sort... my fear is of HUMANS! What if they forget something? What if they don't secure all the ropes and buckles? What if i fall out of my suit? What if the tiny chord that we are hanging from decides to snap? Anxiety was of the maximum tonight! I was a survivor though- along with Beck and Casie! Dad tried to shoot a video... so that retarted person you hear narrating would be my wonderful Padre! We did it at night time so it's kind of hard to see us... we look like a little white dot in the sky - then a big blur flying by.
Oh and yes- don't worry.... i made sure the guy checked my straps and made me double secure! He told me it was his first day on the job and he didn't really know what he was doing... You can hear Mrs Karen and dad talking about it as i chat with the guy about my future! Ha :) i guess you can say i was a little worried!
We left around 11:30 to walk over to the Titanic Museum. It's a new site here in Branson that just opened up within the past few months. We got to hear actual stories from survivors, touch a real iceberg, walk out on the deck at night time and feel the air temperature (mighty mighty cold), put our hands in the 28 degree water that many of those people fell in, see what the grand staircase and bedrooms looked like, see other articles that have been recovered, hear facts about how the titanic was built and ran... so many things. We each got a boarding pass before we entered the boat which told the actual true identity and life story of your person... at the end of the tour you went into a room with every passenger on board that day listed on the wall. You had to search for you name and find out the outcome of the passenger. (all of us girls survived, dad and steve perished.... Steve was actually the Captian and dad was part of the crew and happened to be steve's firsthand man!) It was very interesting! It made it seem more real.
Sometimes it's so hard to hear stories from the past - they don't seem real.... they seem just like that - 'stories'.
Noah the Musical was at 3:30 that afternoon... we found it quite humerous that it rained and poured on the day that we went to see the Titanic and Noah's Ark. Moving on from one boat to the other - two TRUE actual stories in one day! Noah was a good show too! They made a parallel at the end of the show that i have never before thought about or pictured.
The Lord found favor in Noah and spoke to Him. He told Him that a storm is coming, a flood to sweep over and wipe out all Creation... rain will come on the Earth - something that had NEVER before happened. They didn't even know what rain was, nor an Ark. But the Lord told Him exactly how to build it. Noah built this humongous boat with all these many rooms inside. There was only one door to get inside the boat and if you read the account in the bible it says that the Lord shut them in. (Gen 7:16)
Christ told us that He was going to Heaven to prepare a place for us... a mansion with many rooms... and there is only one door to get in. Another great flood is coming - a consuming fire. Will you come aboard His boat and be saved from something that has never before happened... or will you trust in something else? No one has ever seen God - He will come back once to get all His children... do you believe that it is REALLY going to happen just like Noah believed that rain would come even though He'd never seen it?
Heaven is like the Ark that Noah built - with it's many rooms. The Rain is like the LORD coming back to save all His people, yet wipe out all of those who choose not to believe. Everyone that enters through the door (Jesus Christ) of the Ark will be saved from the consuming flood of fire.
Enter into the narrow door! Come aboard the Ark! Be saved for Eternity by the Lion and the Lamb!
I love you Lord! Thank you for new ways to see you and understand Your word! Keep us safe today as we walk with You and learn about You! Be with everyone back home! We need You Father!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I love the Young's, they are like family... I've noticed how different i have been acting this week! I started dwelling on it tonight - and i think it's because I am MYSELF! I'm not trying to be anyone else around these people or being afraid of what they'll think of me! It never even crosses my mind... I'm finally getting myself together and being THAT person - no one else! I'm acting a COMPLETE nut and they actually laugh at me... and let me continue to be this way! haha! :) I'm not afraid to be who i am around this group of people - and that makes me really happy! But that's how i should be around everyone i come in contact with. I'm not one to hide what i've been through or am currently going through, but rarely do people get to see my goofy, goofy, goofy side! I have to be REALLY comfortable around you for this to come out!
The most important and special things in life are FREE! Family and Friends!!! I'm really starting to understand and see this... Relationships are KEY people! But it must start with the ONLY relationship that matters - the Lord's! Then all the others line up and you can't help but have fun and LOVE each other! I can't express how amazing and FREE-ing this week has felt! I hope you can see that in our pictures!
I want to continue to fall in love with the Lord and to find myself... then i can be that person no matter who i am with! I pray this for you also!
And I should be more like Christ and accept everyone as who they are... Let them have the freedom to be who they truly are.... Here's a song i just found tonight!
You Invite Me In - Meredith Andrews
I've been searching
wandering and hurting
ashamed of the shape i'm in
afraid you'll see who i really am....
But You invite me in
doesn't matter where i've been
Your arms are opened wide
there's nothing left to hide
How can this be
a love so unfailing
reached down and lifted me
from ashes to beauty
and You invite me in
doesn't matter where i've been
Your arms are opened wide
there's nothing left to hide
For You invite me in
doesnt matter who i've been
Your arms are opened wide
pulling me to Your side
now i am walking
away from the life i once knew
and running into Your grace
that covers my shame again and again
i find my life in You
You invite us in
doesn't matter where we've been
Your arms are opened wide
there's nothing left to hide
You invite us in
doesn't matter who we've been
Your arms are opened wide
pulling us to Your side
Your arms are opened wide...
Love you all, seriously! Let's be real, with ourselves - with each other! God created us each the way He wanted us.... Embrace it! Be it! Good night!
I'm thinking in Heaven there is going to be this humongous rocking chair where we can sit with Jesus and just hang out! I LOVE rocking! yay for this HUGE rocking chiar! We were waiting in line for lunch and decided to take a moment to get a photo!
I made mom and Karen get one too! haha! Don't you think it was a GREAT idea! They are laughing their heads off! They look like little children!
We were waiting for our show to start...Thought the way they were sitting was funny! Appearently Mrs. Karen has cooties or something!
And now we are entering the Theatre for Circus On Ice!
When we were exiting the show it was POURING down rain so we found a roof and rested until the storm passed. We sat down on some little game where you shoot guns at targets....
We could probably get in trouble for this... we were sitting on the area where the people walk up, put in there money and start shooting... and not only that but had our backs turned towards the street and feet hanging INSIDE the shop! Photo time with GUNS!
And since we were already misbehaving.... we jumped inside and told mom to hurry and take our picture! Being bad is SO fun!
Who knows where the person running the game was? No where to be found!
And Beck decided to play the game... look at her!
Monday, July 21, 2008
We are going to Silver Dollar City in the morning! We are all worn out and very sleepy so we were going to come straight back from the Show and go to bed.... BUTTT Erin called! We hooked up the camera and all crammed into the screen and got to say hello! She's telling us all these different stories and we're telling her about our adventures! She's talking to her mom right now about the people she's been meeting with and sharing the Gospel! It's 11:15 PM Monday night right now on our time, but it's 1:15 PM (after lunch) over in Japan on Tuesday for her.... that's so weird!
K well i'm off to bed! This has been So fun keeping a post for each day! Love!
Father i come to you now lifting up Erin... Thank you for allowing us to be able to speak to her and see her. I am amazed and encouraged by her - bless her Father! Be with the rest of her time there and bring her home safely if it's Your Will! We love you!
I haven't had much time to blog a relevant entry...(posting pictures or a story that actually happened takes about 5 minutes - which is about what i have time for) I was thinking about this while i was in the shower.. I had to get on here and post atleast something other than pictures and funny stories. I heard this song on the radio on the way to Bass Pro yesterday - thought i'd share it with you!
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing compared to you.
So, I surrender all!
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
The girls went shopping today while the guys played golf. It was SUPER hot and we were very tired from walking... most of our day was spent sitting on benches taking pictures, or being goofy in the stores taking more pictures.
MUAH MUAH MUAH!!!
This was last night before the Broadway show! We have to get a picture in every outfit! haha!
China and I went for a walk this morning around the Kampground... you can get the same cardiovascular workout by walking up and down these huge hills as you do running a mile in Texas. If you would have heard me breathing when i got back to the camper you would have thought i had just got done running a race. Casie and I just got out of the pool - we swam 5 laps down and back! I haven't been able to sleep well on the blow up mastress in the camper! Hopefully tonight after walking this morning, walking while shopping all day, and swimming a few laps i'll be knocked out! My eyes are stinkin' heavy as i sit here and type! I gotta run take a shower to get ready for the show tonight! I started typing about my quiet time this morning, but i can't quite get it to flow right... so that post will have to wait until my body is rested enough to focus! The show tonight is called SIX - it's six (obviously) guys who sing and make their music (the beat and instruments) with their mouths! Can't wait... it should be VERY interesting! ta-ta for now!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Hang on Beck is driving.... haha Casie cracks me up!
Look Landen and Luke, i found a chair to match your bedroom!
Now that's my kind of chair - it's ROCKS!
And that's all folks!
OKAY OKAY! First off, i have never cleaned up after my dog. She barks, i let her out, she does her business in the back yard and then barks again to come back inside. Who knows when it's a Number 1 Job or Number 2... i do NOT pay attention.
When we go camping, she's outside most of the time because she LOVES a new place... that means she gets to sniff around a lot! We do not watch her every step nor monitor her bathroom breaks. So i have NO idea, when or where she decides to use it.
Secondly, we do not own a pooper scooper! I mean seriously? What are they wanting from us? To put on some gloves, search for the poop, and put it in a trash bag? I don't think so. haha!
maybe i need to get my heart right....
Dad went walking around the Kampground this morning and found a fenced in area that says, "Dog Patch USA" He came back and told us about it! Waking up to hear about Dog Patch USA is not what i had in mind... i died laughing!
I'm still waiting on China to get my attention and then tell me, "hey dude, i uh gosta go poop... will you carry me over to the Patch?"
What are you thinking? You see it happening? Because i'm thinking... nah! Do i just take a break every now and then and carry her over to see if she decides to unload?
SUCH A HASSLE!!!! :)
Mother Nature decided to drop in this morning for her Monthly visit! It's always a JOY to have her!
I did find a little patch of woods with a swing in the center of it... PERFECT for having some Jesus time in the mornings! It's about 50 yards from our camp-site!
We finally found an internet connection! I hope to keep you posted on our interesting happenings throughout the week! Hope your Sunday was enjoyable! We are heading out to Springfield this afternoon to go visit The Original Bass Pro Shop - then it's back to Branson to eat supper and Broadway Show at 8:00! K well i'm done! Off to get ready! Miss you guys!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Well we're up and off! Just wanted to stop by and say hi this morning before we head out!
One thing i'm looking forward to - wearing my new swimsuit! I haven't bought one in a while! I went Thursday night to Academy, their swimsuits are 50% off since summer is halfway over. Yessiree! Got me 3 swimsuits for a total of 48 buckaroos! That's pretty good, considering it usually cost close to 40 dollars to find a single swimsuit. I'm WAY excited! They're all plain though! That's how i tend to roll! BLACK-BROWN-RED!!! I like black, brown, and red a little too much i think. Whenever i think about my apartment in the near future, i can only muster out blacks, browns, khakis, whites, and reds for the decorations, furniture, and paint. hmmm! My swimsuits are cute though... dont you worry! I plan on doing a little mixmatching - you know black and red, or brown and red! Or we might stick to plain! Just depends on the day folks!
K enough of that! I'm sure you could be doing something other than hearing about my new purchases and plans! I'm just glad they cover... swimsuits just aren't the same these days! Babies are the only ones who can get away with their tooshes hanging out. :)
I have my books packed! Bible. Breaking Free day by day - Beth Moore. 365 Days with Joni Eareckson Tada. When God Pursues a Woman's Heart - . He Speaks to Me; Preparing to hear from God - Priscilla Shirer. I know that probably seems like a ton, but they're all devotional study type books.... And i'm not sure what mood i'll be in. Each one meets a different! No christian fiction books coming on the journey. After i finished my last one i commited to not pick up another for a while. I want to study HIS word - His book. (And i enjoy doing this also by reading the journeys of my brothers and sisters in Christ.) I want to dig SO deep.
I will be thinking about you guys and continually praying as i'm reminded of each of you!
See you later!
Thank you for Vacation Father! Time away to spend with family. Help us to relax and bond with each other. May you have all the glory during this time and may we still see you in our days! Be in our fun - every activity that we take part in! Keep us safe, if it be Your will! I love You!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Trying to look on the bright side - how can i look at this quality about myself in a good way? I'm a considerate person? Maybe. I always tend to think of others when it comes to packing... do you need this? did you remember to pack this? What about taking this - you might need it?
eehh, i dunno.
And there is always the fact that if you do indeed forget something.... i probably have you covered with my abundance of things.
Well guys - we're leaving in the morning for VACAY!!! Vacation that is! I'm excited... or i will be about 30 miles down the road. Check with me around 8:30 and i'll probably be getting fired up! Until then, anxiety is still very high. Praying for you all! Have a fanastic week!
You know what i like about this verse right here? The two words - daily bears.... It doesn't just say my God knows my burdens, it says He bears them. And daily. Not just every now and then, when He thinks about it, or when we cry loud enough... Daily He bears our burdens. I have the Zondervan NIV Exhaustive Concordance from my freshman year at OBU..... who would have known the teacher was right when he encouraged us to keep these books for the future. (ha) It seems to me that bears in this verse is being used in the sense of carrying or upholding. I also googled the definition of bear. Here are some of the things i found.
- Take on as one's own the expenses or debts of another person
- To endure something with tolerance and patience
- To hold up; support
Jesus payed it all, all to Him i owe... sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
Secondly, i think about how it says daily and how one of the definition talks about enduring with tolerance and patience. Daily means that tomorrow He will STILL be standing there waiting - bearing our burdens. You think He'd get tired of it. But He doesn't. He knows that it's coming again tomorrow too, but He still loves us enough that He will CONTINUE to carry us, sustain us, and hold us. I'm thinking if He has that much patience and tolerance for me, i should try a little harder to have patience... not only with others, but also with myself. I need to endure with patience! I need to trust in Him - He will carry me THROUGH - not take it AWAY, but carry me through. And with patience i should walk right beside Him until i see it finished.
Now to hold up; support. Let's look at scripture!
Isaiah 46:4 Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Col 1:17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
1Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Ps 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 53:4-5;11-12 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. After the suffering of his soul he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. Therefore i will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.
Age to age He is the same! He never changes! His character. His love. He will always be there to love you, to carry you, to hold you together... to bless you. He bore your sins on the cross - the most painful, humiliating death ever. And He continues to daily bear your burdens. He knows YOU, He knows your pain, your thoughts... and He promises that if you just trust in Him, cast your anxieties on Him - He will sustain you!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
"Who are these people?"
I explained to them each picture - the person, and what happened to them. It was Uncle Randy and Grandma Billie Deen. I've mentioned them before, they both passed away before us kids were born. After we stood there looking at them for about a minute, Levi asked -
"Are they over in Heaven?"
:) Yes, they are! Thank you for that sweet little reminder! I will meet them one day, but until then... they are living it up with Jesus, praising His glorious name!
I love you Father!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Levi is now watching a Motocrossed movie on Disney Channel while Zoey plays on the computer.
I get in these moods where i want to clean everything - i'm talking CLEAN... as in sort through and throw away things that are of NO use or no longer fit. I did this a while back in Casie and my bathroom. We had one of those wooden shelves that fit over the toilet... kind of looks like half a book shelf, but the bottom left open for the toilet. I just wasn't feelin it anymore. Over the years things just got thrown on the shelves and it looked junky. I cleaned it about 2 years ago and it somehow managed to stay that way, but i'm still just ready to let it go. My grandfather made it for us when we were in Elementary School and you can tell by the looks of it... it has hearts carved out on it! Just not my thing! haha! I figured if we moved it out, number one the room would look a LIL bigger and number two we could hang a picture/shelves (whatever) over the toilet to fill up the space with some sort of DECOR. Well i moved the shelf out, but wasn't strong enough to bring it all the way downstairs... so it sits in my room against the wall... RATHER ODD LOOKING. I have a Toilet Shelf in my bedroom, and i'm using it as my current bookshelf! haha! Underneath where the toilet is supposed to occupy the empty space, my white plastic laundry basket now sits - with mounds of clothes!
All of that to say - i want a bookshelf! This thing has GOT to go! And with my new joy of reading and accumulating books, i just NEED somewhere for them to go... i mean don't you agree? haha :) Angie Smith posted a list of books that she enjoys and would recomend anyone reading. I scanned the list and picked out a few i would like to get. Christmas list starting now!!! This bookshelf will go with me when i move out eventually... i need some things of my own. My apartment is going to be looking VERY dull!!! O but don't you worry, that bookshelf will be STANDING tall and looking DARN shnazzy!
Okay - i think i've had a little too much sun today, it's getting to my head! I'm off to cook supper... we're having enchiladas tonight! Have a great week! Love you!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I set my alarm last night, but appearently never turned it ON... China squealed and woke me up. I turned over and looked at the clock to see 7:28 in bright blue. I have to leave at 7:30... AHH! I wasn't worried about how i was going to look, what i was going to wear, or anything like that... i was upset because i hadnt spent time with the Lord yet. I had to let it go so that i wouldn't miss Him the rest of the day. I got over to the house where i babysit and levi (5) was sleeping on the couch in the living room. I couldn't turn on the lights or it'd wake him, so i took my bible and sat on the floor by the dining room Window. I've been reading through Judges and i can't wait to finish and then post about everything i'm learning from it. Levi woke up and peeked his head over the couch with that tired morning voice, "meeeegaan? what are you doing?" haha :)
Moving on 3 hours later...
Levi was headed over to Mimi's, but not before he put on his cowboy attire. He picked out a plaid shirt, and blue jeans that he wanted to wear. After i got the shirt button, he tucked it in all by himself, pulled the belt through, and then continued on with his cowboy gear. He had one of those waist band things that hold your guns... : ) SO CUTE! The sun was out so i suggested he take some play clothes incase he gets hot. We tucked them into his belt along with the 4 other guns that were hanging from his waist. And off he went!
College Road Trip came out on DVD today.... Zoey has had her eye on it for a while, so we went up to Blockbuster and rented it. I've been folding towels and doing other things around the house while she's been watching the movie. From what i've seen while i've been in the room it seems to be very clean- it's rated G. It's kept me laughing, which most movies can't do. I went to plugged-in and read parts of the review. Seemed to be alright!
I took piano when i was younger, but never really enjoyed it. Througout the years i'll get in these moods where i just want to sit down and play. I love it because it's for my own enjoyment and not because anyone is forcing me to do it. I'm no where near my mom when it comes to playing, but i've never forgotten any thing that i learned from those many lessons. It may take me a little while, but i can pick through a song and eventually play it. I started learning a song last night and it's going well so far... It's so beautiful to me when people can sit down at a piano and sing WHILE playing... maybe EVENTUALLY i'll get there. (yeah, i'll let you know how that one turns out.)
Well we have about 2 1/2 hours left of our afternoon - Movies over... off to finish some tasks.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I remember laying in my bed one night thinking, 'GOSH, i'm trying so hard to get my life right with God... i fix one thing, then i turn around and realize i'm doing something else.' WELL PRAISE THE LORD! Let it be encouraging to us that we are in His presence and having fellowship with Him. He wants us to be reminded of what we're doing wrong, so that we can continually rid ourselves of it.
So if you feel like you are constantly realizing all your failures, your bad attitude, this or that, thank the Lord that you are in tune with His Spirit... and fill your life with His qualities, His character!
Satan probably loves that we feel down about it... as a matter of fact it's probably a RED flag waving in his face to come and twist that little piece of truth. Yeah it may be true, but not for the purpose of showing you how you don't line up or aren't good enough. It's there to show you God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and how you can be changed by His love!
I love you Father! Continue to meet with me. I want to dwell in Your presence, and who You are.... Draw near Father! Open my spiritual ears so that i can recognize Your voice in whatever way You choose to speak to me... and rid my life of all the worldliness and sinfulness that doesn't need to be there. I need You! Thank You for life!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
This was the best video i could find....
Here are the lyrics for those of you who can't view videos:
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You
Friday, July 11, 2008
She stated on one of her entries that her quiet time slot is from 3-6 AM. She tried to talk God into moving it back a few hours later, but He stood His ground... so up she got! Not only initially thinking that is stinkin early, my next thoughts were 'THREE HOURS?' As i read on she admitted that the first hour is her starring at the wall, talking to God HER SIDE, HER FEELINGS, waking up in a sense, then diving into His word. It immediately grabbed ahold of my heart. I noticed this morning how my Jesus(quiet) time had changed.
On days that i don't have plans i can get up and spend as much time as i want and not worry about issues of being somewhere...
On days that i have places to be that involve me taking a shower and getting ready, i usually have my quiet time after i've showered - so that i'm awake, and this lasts about 20-30 minutes.
I'm going to call the lady i sit for 'my boss'. I have to be at the boss' house at 7:30-ish every morning, 5 days a week. I usually don't shower in the mornings, because we lay around so much during the day, sweat, or swim, and it didn't seem neccesary to get clean just to get dirty again. This means that the alarm goes off at 7, i hop up to put on some comfy shorts, t-shirt, and flip flops... i head to the Media Room to sit in a SUPER comfy rocking chair and read His word until 7:30 when i get in the car and head over to their house.
At the beggining of the summer i was going so strong, it was GREAT!
I noticed within the past week or so that i was dozing off. Instead of holding my bible up, it was sitting in my lap as i slowly rocked myself to sleep. Instead of reading tons of scripture and thinking clearly through it, i would read sentence after sentence, stop, realize that i had NO clue, read over again.... just a big circle over and over. I got to where i was reading one passage and it was doing NOTHING. It was just a TIME! But still i refused to not having it at all. I must get up and put Him first! I tried one day sitting on the floor so that the chair wasn't comfy and i wasn't rocking, but still no focus.... too tired!
As i read her deal about spending 3 hours in the morning, i felt convicted. I had thought to myself that i should get up and shower, so that i'd be awake and could TRULY spend time with Him. Reading His word will not change you, i believe that people can read it over and over and nothing ever come from it. It's about our hearts and our relationship with Him. I looked back at where i had SLOWLY come to, it was happening so slowly that i wasn't even aware of it. First it started out with the comfy chair, then setting down the bible instead of holding it up, then rocking slowly to sleep, then not paying attention to what i was reading, to reading less and less every morning...
I always enjoy my nights with the Lord - i've shared this before... because i'm wide awake and SUCH a night person... but for me i have to have time with Him in the morning also, i must start my day with Him, i must put Him literally FIRST... but it should never be just an ACT or routine. He doesn't delight in that.
Maybe the way i've been spending this time in the morning is part of my problem? Who knows, but i'm going to try something different. Who cares about the activities during my day and the sweat it may bring to me.... I will now get up EARLY and take a shower and get READY (literally ready as if going somewhere), then i will have atleast an hour to spend with the Lord and my eyes, mind, attitude, and hopefully heart will be adjusted and ready to accept what He is saying that day. My time with Him will start with prayer, flat on my face, admitting how i'm feeling, then surrending to do whatever will bring Him more glory.
WIT - I used to have this button that went on my apron at Golden Corral that said WIT in big letters, then underneath said Whatever It Takes. I should be willing to do WHATEVER it takes for my Lord. Even getting up in the WEE hours of morning. It's not about showing Him that i'm willing to spend time with Him and that act being the first of my day.... it's about experiencing Him! And that's what I need to do! I need to KNOW Him! I don't know Him well enough, NOT AT ALL! And it scares the CRAP out of me - excuse me! But i need to learn how to fight! I need to trust that He will never leave me! Again my head thinks, it's not Him i'm afraid of, ITS ME! I'm so scared of myself... please pray for trust!
We should start a prayer blog... sorry random, but i think it could only be a blessing!
Like this fellow blogger said - do not be afraid to pray the unimaginable, God doesn't promise that He will answer the way we want, but we can praise Him because He has the ability to do so if He chooses. And no matter what your situation is, refuse to let go... of God, of Hope, of Truth.
I love you all!
I love you God! Forgive me, awaken me to the filth in my life... renew me. I need you.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The computers also decided to go on strike this week. It started out just with the laptops - then slowly took over each computer in the house. I don't talk on the phone much, or receive many emails... so this was not a big deal to me. It felt good once again to see that we don't need those things to live. I got upset, because it seemed like everything in my life was going wrong. I don't need the phone or computers, there are ways of going around those, but when you are in the middle of a storm trying so hard to figure things out, it just adds on to your list of things that seem broken.
I have been going down hill for quite a while now, feeling like my prayers have been hitting the ceilings. I'm pretty good when it comes to situations and hard things happening. I can look at them and if it doesn't turn out the way i wanted, if i don't get a certain part or position, i just blow it off and realize it's not God's Will. When it comes to a flat out storm in life, when you can't tell the truth from a lie, that's when i'm toast. I state once again that my issues are with trusting myself.
Say you are applying for a job and you are going for interviews, doing all sorts of things and it's like all these doors keep closing in your face... or people think you're totally crazy or what not...
Do you look at it as 'OH, Satan is trying really hard to get you to coward down, but God wants you to resist all of that and give it your all.' Or the other way 'God is closing the door, trying to get you to realize and accept that this just isn't where He wants you.' I know both of these can be truth... so how do you know which it is. Because both will be there, both voices, but you must choose which to listen to. How do you determine the Lords?
I know it comes with developing a relationship with Him, learning His character, how He works, how He speaks to you, different things like that, but what happens when you feel like you're trying so hard to do all of that and are still getting nothing.
Possibly God is speaking and you just aren't recognizing His voice... you need to dig deeper and find out who He is. How do you do that when you feel like you're doing everything you know to do?
One more thing i know.... It takes a willing heart that is able to accept what God wants. Sometimes we aren't in the right place to hear what He has to say, or we're running from Him. Again what do you do and how do you know if it's your heart that is the issue?
Do you see my problem? I can see almost every single angle and they are all screaming SO very loudly. It's not just in knowing my Savior it's in every aspect of my life. My head tells me that it's me... i need to grow up, i need to do this or do that or what not, but i try and i dont have a CLUE what i'm supposed to be doing. Then sometimes i feel like it's satan reminding me of my past, and i need to resists... again with the voices!
I talked to a friend today because i had been given an opportunity to serve in a certain area and i wanted to pray about it and be sure that it's where God wanted me. I called to give her my answer. Still through all my praying, i got nothing. It's different when it's one area of your life, but when you feel like everything you pray about you hear nothing from Him... surely it has to be you. But what am i doing wrong? I'm crying out people, literally drowning in my tears because i don't know what to do. I just want to know Him so bad, i want to have Faith in Him, and I DO... i just dont trust me! I NEED HIM! I need Him to show me Himself, to fill this void inside of me, to show me the truth and how He speaks to me and i'll follow the rest of my life... i need so much, but don't feel like i can ask because i should accept and be okay with what He's already given me.
I don't know who i am anymore. What i like to do. What gifts/talents He's given me. NOTHING... i can't think clearly through any situation and it's almost as if my emotions are just jacked up.
I can't even express to you all the noise inside. There again, lies one of my horrible qualities. I can't express what i'm thinking or feeling, and no one ever understands where i'm coming from. I just feel like satan is taking over, and i can't find God anywhere. I'm trying so hard to hang on, but my pinky is about to lose grip and i will go flying. I've been doubting every area of my life. I need to find Him. Will you please pray for me? If the Lord lays something on your heart, some scripture, or a personal testimony, i would love to hear it... I have been hesitating about typing this. Not because i'm worried about what others think, i know we are here to help each other. There is a verse in the bible that says something about passing on everything we've learned to those around us... i know there is someone somewhere who understands what i'm going through or SOMETHING. So i share this to be open, to allow someone else to be used by God and then one day, others will be used by my story. I'm sure that i've probably left out ALOT of info, and i'm really sorry, but hopefully you get the picture. There is just so much noise, and i don't know what to listen to. And i can't take it anymore.
O Father, i need You.
Monday, July 7, 2008
From my 6 years in the youth group one of the main things i can remember hearing over and over is, "get your relationship with Christ right and then everything else will fall in place."
My father told me a year and a half ago whenever i was leaving one of my classes at Ouachita that i MUST love the Lord first, or nothing else will work.... no other relationship will last or be possible, unless i truly love Him first!
A friend told me a few months after that, "the ONLY relationship that matters in your life, is your relationship with Jesus Christ..."
I believe each of these people are correct! Although spoken at different times, each of them speak the Truth. I must hold Christ dear to my heart, i must love Him with ALL that i have, i must seek Him will ALL that i am... Whenever He becomes my LIFE, and holds the key to my heart, then in His timing He is going to fill it with everything that He has had planned since the beginning of time. I can't MAKE Him speak, i can't CREATE Truth, i can't FIND peace within myself.... Each of these things can ONLY come from Him. And until i get myself in the right position and place to hear what He has to say, and have a willing heart that is able to accept it... nothing else will work. That may mean that i have to sit in complete silence and cry out to Him for a while, but He will wait and it will be PERFECT... and at just the right time He will speak and i will recognize and be able to completely surrender to all that He has. I must let go of all that i have - i must give Him complete control - and He will not let me down.
"Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it"
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:1;6
My faith is definetly being tested right now... so many things aren't making sense... so many things are unclear.... But i'm thinking if the LORD provided a whale to swallow Jonah and bring Him back whenever he DELIBERATELY disobeyed, then if i am deceived and go the wrong way - He will come and get me. The only thing that i know to do, is let go of everything that i'm holding on to, and trust that He will fill me up with everything that i need.
I believe that you can know something and be taught it your whole life, but not realize that you yourself aren't there.... How come you can hear things over and over and know they are correct and true, but then you hear it in another moment and something about it is completely different and something inside of you changes? It seems like i keep learning the same things over and over! Which confirms our pastors sermon last week - some Truths MUST be taught time and time again... you can never over preach them. Christ must not only be first, He must not only be the center, He must be my LIFE!
I write this tonight because for 4 months now i haven't had a clue... i've been seeking Him, crying out, trying to change my attitude, my focus, everything. It was like i was so unsure of where i was suppose to be going or what i was suppose to be doing. I needed so bad for God to tell me, 'Megan stop doing this and do this', but i couldn't get that from Him. I just wanted to hear SOMETHING from Him - i didn't even know what He sounded like and i was searching SO bad for the tiniest little whisper or glimpse... but still nothing. It's like Abraham in the bible - God told Him to leave His family, His Country, EVERYTHING he was familair with and go to another place... In faith, not knowing where he was headed, he started walking. Sometimes we have to start walking in faith, unsure of where we are going or if it's even the right direction and trust that God is STILL in control. I'm SO afraid of being deceived, i'm SO afraid that i'm going to go the wrong way or listen to the wrong voice, but i must take a leap of faith... i must take a risk for God, and trust that He will bless it, and He will hold me!
I am on a journey to conquer my mind - it is holding me captive. This is the scariest, hardest thing i have EVER had to do... i'm serious, as i type tears are in my eyes because i am SO afraid. You do not understand the amount of confusion in my mind, the many voices, the uncertainty, the doubts that have kept me in bondage for 3 years now... it is time to have a little will power and see what the Lord does. He is good! I must believe it! The Lord will break free, the Lord will bring FREEDOM through my obedience and faith in Him.
I need You so bad Father! I'm desperate for You! I will wait until You choose to make Yourself known to me... o God, don't let me miss it!