A friend recommended that i go visit another Bloggers site and read her story. I stopped what i was doing, and took her up on the offer. I read one blog and started on with the others. In the midst of her situation i was amazed at how she was reacting. That's how i want to be! The struggles and things i am going through are completely different than hers and don't even seem to compare at all. But this struggle has been so hard for me. It's probably the only true Goliath that i've ever had to work through, wrestle, and fight. As i read through her thoughts, i felt it relating to my situation even though vastly different.
She stated on one of her entries that her quiet time slot is from 3-6 AM. She tried to talk God into moving it back a few hours later, but He stood His ground... so up she got! Not only initially thinking that is stinkin early, my next thoughts were 'THREE HOURS?' As i read on she admitted that the first hour is her starring at the wall, talking to God HER SIDE, HER FEELINGS, waking up in a sense, then diving into His word. It immediately grabbed ahold of my heart. I noticed this morning how my Jesus(quiet) time had changed.
On days that i don't have plans i can get up and spend as much time as i want and not worry about issues of being somewhere...
On days that i have places to be that involve me taking a shower and getting ready, i usually have my quiet time after i've showered - so that i'm awake, and this lasts about 20-30 minutes.
I'm going to call the lady i sit for 'my boss'. I have to be at the boss' house at 7:30-ish every morning, 5 days a week. I usually don't shower in the mornings, because we lay around so much during the day, sweat, or swim, and it didn't seem neccesary to get clean just to get dirty again. This means that the alarm goes off at 7, i hop up to put on some comfy shorts, t-shirt, and flip flops... i head to the Media Room to sit in a SUPER comfy rocking chair and read His word until 7:30 when i get in the car and head over to their house.
At the beggining of the summer i was going so strong, it was GREAT!
I noticed within the past week or so that i was dozing off. Instead of holding my bible up, it was sitting in my lap as i slowly rocked myself to sleep. Instead of reading tons of scripture and thinking clearly through it, i would read sentence after sentence, stop, realize that i had NO clue, read over again.... just a big circle over and over. I got to where i was reading one passage and it was doing NOTHING. It was just a TIME! But still i refused to not having it at all. I must get up and put Him first! I tried one day sitting on the floor so that the chair wasn't comfy and i wasn't rocking, but still no focus.... too tired!
As i read her deal about spending 3 hours in the morning, i felt convicted. I had thought to myself that i should get up and shower, so that i'd be awake and could TRULY spend time with Him. Reading His word will not change you, i believe that people can read it over and over and nothing ever come from it. It's about our hearts and our relationship with Him. I looked back at where i had SLOWLY come to, it was happening so slowly that i wasn't even aware of it. First it started out with the comfy chair, then setting down the bible instead of holding it up, then rocking slowly to sleep, then not paying attention to what i was reading, to reading less and less every morning...
I always enjoy my nights with the Lord - i've shared this before... because i'm wide awake and SUCH a night person... but for me i have to have time with Him in the morning also, i must start my day with Him, i must put Him literally FIRST... but it should never be just an ACT or routine. He doesn't delight in that.
Maybe the way i've been spending this time in the morning is part of my problem? Who knows, but i'm going to try something different. Who cares about the activities during my day and the sweat it may bring to me.... I will now get up EARLY and take a shower and get READY (literally ready as if going somewhere), then i will have atleast an hour to spend with the Lord and my eyes, mind, attitude, and hopefully heart will be adjusted and ready to accept what He is saying that day. My time with Him will start with prayer, flat on my face, admitting how i'm feeling, then surrending to do whatever will bring Him more glory.
WIT - I used to have this button that went on my apron at Golden Corral that said WIT in big letters, then underneath said Whatever It Takes. I should be willing to do WHATEVER it takes for my Lord. Even getting up in the WEE hours of morning. It's not about showing Him that i'm willing to spend time with Him and that act being the first of my day.... it's about experiencing Him! And that's what I need to do! I need to KNOW Him! I don't know Him well enough, NOT AT ALL! And it scares the CRAP out of me - excuse me! But i need to learn how to fight! I need to trust that He will never leave me! Again my head thinks, it's not Him i'm afraid of, ITS ME! I'm so scared of myself... please pray for trust!
We should start a prayer blog... sorry random, but i think it could only be a blessing!
Like this fellow blogger said - do not be afraid to pray the unimaginable, God doesn't promise that He will answer the way we want, but we can praise Him because He has the ability to do so if He chooses. And no matter what your situation is, refuse to let go... of God, of Hope, of Truth.
I love you all!
I love you God! Forgive me, awaken me to the filth in my life... renew me. I need you.