I'm such a nerd! I have to get my music going whenever i get on here.... it's like my drugs or something. I can't just sit here in silence while i mingle or surf the web. It's usually the first thing i get started before i head to all my preferred sites. After about 3 minutes i noticed that it was very very quiet... actually, silent! Where was my music? Ah ha, it's on mute! I unmuted the dude and we had about 4 songs going. It was a TOTAL wreck. That is very random, but that's me! Wish you could have heard that mess! It's all better now - i have ONE page playing instead of every blogger and page i'm viewing.
For some reason i haven't been able to put words (through blogging) to what i have been learning through some awesome passages in the bible. So tonight this post will be very very, i'm talking, VERY random. I'm just going to start typing and see what comes out...
It seems as though something inside of me has changed within the past few days. Ok so i know that i didn't wake up all of a sudden and am a new person... i believe it's part of the process of falling in love with the Lord.
Last week while we were camping up in the moutains there were these moments where i felt like i needed to go outside, lift my hands up to the sky, and just be in AWE in total silence before my Lord... I was always afraid of what my family would think though. don't ask me why? aint got a clue. I suppose something to do with pride?
I have now resolved to let that crap go... i walked in the house today and felt the need to pray with my mother. I don't think i've ever asked her to do that. I flat out walked up to her and said, "can we get on our knees and pray?" so there in the middle of our living room around 7:30 tonight, we got down on the floor and prayed.
Like i mentioned last night, i want to be willing to do whatever He wants me to do - no matter how small or HUGE that may be.
I have cried out over the past 5 months for a heart that is genuine. Not a heart that knows all of the right things and prays them without truly truly meaning them. A heart that is flat out in LOVE with the Lord, who is passionate about reading His word, who will be so deep with Him that she can't help but recognize His voice over any other... a heart that is in LOVE with His way... the Way He intended for relationships to be... a heart that loves the needy... a heart that is not judgemental, but will stand in the way to help that person find a way to stop what they are doing... a heart that cares and understands... one that won't give up or give in... a heart that knows the right thing and wants to do it...
ok ok i'm blabbing on and on. I felt like in the past you could ask me a question and i'd be like, 'ok i know i'm SUPPOSED to feel this way, but i dont feel like i do.'
That was no longer ok for me...
I didn't want to go through the motions. I didn't want to sing songs at church and not feel anything in my heart. It's like ok this should mean something to me, this should grab ahold of me - WHY ISN'T IT? I couldn't take mediocre anymore. I had to spend time on my heart. I had to get to the place where this was all REAL to me.
I can't come before the Lord being anything but myself. He knows me, He knows my heart, He knows when i'm genuine... and so that's what i wanted. And i was willing to cry for months, even years until i found it.
Our pastor was talking about a woman who was lying on her bed, literally minutes from passing away. She layed there with this peaceful smile on her face like she was starring at something above her. When she was asked what was happening she mentioned that Jesus was calling her home... "it's Jesus, i can see Him."
I thought about myself when i heard that story.
I am supposed to love the Lord more than LIFE itself. More than my relationships. More than my career. More than my posessions. I am ONLY here to spread His Gospel, His love.
It's like pictured myself laying there going, "o my gosh... this is really about to happen. I am about to go meet Jesus. Did i do everything right? Did i do all that i was supposed to? Am i ready for this? Do i even know Him?" It's like i was freaking out. and that's opposite of what it should be.
Death is a beginning for us - we are finally going home. We should enjoy life here and live it to the MAX, sharing God's love to everyone we come in contact with. But we should be ready to go and meet Him. I should love Him more than anyone else in this world. I should be super excited and ready for the day for Him to return and call me Home.
Once again i can't even express all that was going through my mind that night. All i know is that i want Him. I want to love Him, i want to be ready and excited to go and meet Him... I want my heart to desire to be the door keeper in His courts than any other place... do you get what i'm saying?
Nothing else should matter to me. That doesn't mean that i'm not going to have desires or work towards things... it means the driving force behind all of that should be to proclaim Christ love in WHATEVER i'm doing. Wether it's working, babysitting, singing, driving my car, cleaning my house, disciplining my children, wearing my clothes... you get the pic!
I am scheduled to sing this Sunday Night at church... since i've gotten to this point in my life where i'm truly striving with everything in me to get my heart, mind, and life right with Him, i picked this song that talks about New Life Beginning.
Then And There (Lauren Talley)
Every road i'd walked had lead to no where.
Everything i'd tried had turned out wrong.
It seemed i'd lost my reason to get up every morning,
for I had lost all hope and lost my song.
Circumstances said I wouldn't make it,
but that was all before i met the Man who put His arms around me,
I heard Him say forgiven and I knew i'd never be the same again.
Then and There,
Settled and done.
Then and There.
No more walking on my own,
no more facing life alone,
no more struggling with guilt and despair.
A new Life began, Then and There.
And now my heart is getting restless
longing for the day He'll come.
When we've fought the final fight,
and our faith has been made sight.
And we stand before the Throne and hear Him say,
Then and There.
Settled and Done.
Then and There.
The victory won.
No more pain, no more fear
no more death and no more tears
no more walking through the night, for the Lamb will be the light
No more sin, no more burdens to bear.
A new Life begins, Then and There.
Then and There....
A new Life begins - Then and There.
I wish i could say that my life changed the moment that i asked Jesus into my life, and into my heart... but i can not. The destination changed, but me as a person did not change. I've often thoguht about that. Was i really saved? Did i know what i was doing? I've prayed over this situation many times because there are moments whenever it causes me so much anxiety and grief. My life has changed within the past months.... Then and There in those moments something inside of me decided to quit with the past and with the crap and change what i was doing. I had done it my whole life, knowing it was wrong - longing for what everyone else claimed to have, but never knowing how to get deeper.
I believe to many high schoolers or even people my age don't understand. They don't hang on long enough to see the fruit, the growth, or experience His presence. They expect to call on Him and in that moment EVERYTHING about their life, their heart, their attitude, their desires to change.... it's SO not about a feeling. We have to have discipline and fight. We have to hang on long enough, endure, keep reading, keep crying out and praying until we finally get the picture. He will come. He will show up. He just wants to see that you truly mean it. Or atleast that's how my story goes.
I went to too many youth camps getting on fire and it lasting about a week. Making all these commitments. Lifting my hands up and closing my eyes infront of all my peers. Talking about things changing... when nothing ever came from it. When truly inside i didn't feel or sense anything different.
I think i wanted to... but never fully grasped or understood what i was saying.
There is a place in my heart that wants those younger than me, those beginning this journey with the Lord to know that it's okay to admit certain things.... it's ok to feel like the bible is boring, it's ok to not understand, it's even ok to doubt if He is real.... TOOOO many of us hide so much of what we think about.
I want to be there whenever you feel like you don't understand, when you feel bored, when you feel stupid because you aren't getting what everyone else is getting, when you are doubting what all this means and if it's truly REAL... i want to be there for you to encourage you. To listen. To pray. To share if you need it. I believe it's important.
Maybe this is only my story.... but i don't think it is.
I am a person who wants my kids to know my past... not because i'm proud, but because i want to be completely transparent. They need to know that i screwed up. They need to know that i doubted too. They need to know that i didn't just wake up and totally understand and get excited about His Word. They need to see 'ME' - because all of that is apart of ME! (o' my goodness my eyes are watering... i think we've hit something.)
Anyways, i don't know how to close this, and i'm not even sure if it flows or makes sense... i want to be real. (flat out, nothing to hide, REAL) I don't want your approval, your acceptance, your applause... i want His. I want to sing and mean it. I want to pray and mean it. I want to love and mean it. I want to be changed by Him... truly!
How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young- a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, o LORD God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thosand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. Psalm 84