Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Yes! I'm still dwelling on week one of this Bible Study. This verse just really really sticks out to me. I've been thinking about it for a few days and observing my life.
What am I putting in? What am I filling myself with?
Whatever you put in will eventually come out.... music, tv, movies, conversations, jokes, pictures, books, etc.
I really try to filter everything that i'm involved with so that i'm not tempted in any way. I don't need any of these things in my life and honestly don't even desire them. I've gotten by just fine without them. So what if my answer to all of these previous questions are no, i'm not watching bad movies/television... No, i don't listen to bad music. No, i'm not very funny so i don't crack dirty jokes. I'm not looking at obscene pictures. What if i'm not doing any of those things? (i'm not saying i'm perfect... please know that.)
If i'm not putting any of these evil things in then shouldn't good things be pouring out of me?
Not neccesarily. Doing nothing is just as bad.
I can filter all of the dirty things out of my life and still have no fruit if i'm not FILLING myself with the alternative.
How much free time do I have? And what am i doing with it?
If i'm ridding myself of all things that will not benefit me then i have SOOOO much free time to do other things. Like pour over His word, dwell on it, study it, FILL myself with it. Love on my family. Get involved in relationships with other people. There are so many things i could be doing with this extra time.
I started thinking about how much time i spend on the computer. Yeah - i don't visit horrible sites or anything like that, but is my computer time really bringing any fruit in my life? I don't think it is. Actually, i know it isn't.
The time i spend on here i could have spent doing my homework so that when my family got home we could spend the rest of the evening together. Or i could get all the household chores done so that the rest of the family has time to relax and visit... or i could spend my babysitting time loving the kids instead of sending them to their rooms to play alone because i have things to do. Or if i'm done with all of these things and still have time i could read His word, really read His word. Even call a friend in need.
I don't think we realize how much time we have. And what you choose to do with that time will effect you and FILL you.
I don't know if this is making any sense... i guess what i'm trying to say is you can be avoiding all of the negative/evil things in life and still not have good (beneficial) things pouring out of your heart. You have to really make an effort to FILL yourself with His things. It's not enough to just rid the bad - you have to reinforce the good in it's place. (And it's not enough to just read a passage in the morning just to say that you've spent time with Him. You must really hide it in your heart.)
If this verse wasn't enough to get my attention day 2 of the following week was there to hit me in the face again. Re-organizing our priorities. What am i putting before Him? Am i spending more time doing something else when i could be reading His word? When i could be hanging out with Him?
The answer to all of these questions are yes. I need to readjust. And i'm trying. I think i need to camp out right here for a while!!!
And i'm sorry that i'm not a writer and can't explain myself well.... hopefully my thoughts are easy enough for you to understand.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I don't know that i've ever had this much on my plate at one time and honestly i'm a little overwhelmed by it. The Sunday school lessons that we usually use are on an online program where you go in, print it off and prepare. I didn't have time to do that this week so i pulled together bits and pieces of the 'Can We Talk' bible study and created a lesson for my Junior High Girls.
I was a little nervous about it because i didn't know how they would respond to it, but it turned out great! One of the girls had tears in her eyes as we poured over these verses.... she even asked if we could do it again next week instead of our normal online program that the youth minister picks.
Talk about lighting up my heart!
Teaching Sunday school is one of my favorite things. I do have issues with relationships - but when it comes to loving these girls there is no question or doubt about it in my heart. I truly love them. I don't feel like i have to be anyone. I don't try to sound smart enough. I don't search for acceptance. None of the things that i'm usually trying SO hard to let go of are an issue when i'm teaching/sharing/learning with them. Deep in my heart i feel like i love them and i want to get the message across to them. And that's who i want to be everywhere i go.
I love the opportunity that i get every Sunday to sit with these girls and simply be REAL. Genuinely me. I've been with this same group for a year and a half now and it's amazing to be able to see growth. It is becoming a place where they are actually sharing prayer requests and opening up.... i can tell the Lord is working and it's amazing because it's nothing about me. All i do is pray, prepare, show up, share my heart, be real, and ahhhh... i am overwhelmed by it all. I don't want it to end.
Just wanted to share with you all that the 'Can We Talk' lesson went over great with my girls this morning. They loved it and i'm amazed! Keep on studying! Love you all!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
So i've moved back over to the Music Building this semester. 3 out of my 4 classes are Music classes. I actually have the same teacher back to back, but i really really like his class. He is a very 'hands on' kind of teacher. We have not had a day yet where he doesn't make us do something to incoorpate what we are learning. Why have the other professors on campus not caught on?
The class is Music for Elementary Education. On Tuesday we sat in a circle and saw how you can teach a reading lesson by using music. The professor read the book 'Black Bear, Black Bear' (what do you see?).... he created a beat to it and spoke it in rhythm. We each had instruments and would play them while he read..... then he would randomly blow the whistle and we'd pass the instruments to the right or left and switch with our neighbor.
He then had a box that was called his "box of disorders". We went through each disorder and saw how it could affect what you are trying to teach.... and then we worked through how you handle the situation, how you could improve what your doing, how to help that student learn, etc. It was SOOO interesting to me. I came home and told my mom all about it.
My next class (with the same teacher) is Instrumental Methods. We are learning how to play the guitar, recorder, and orff instruments. Not only do we have to learn how to play these instruments, but we have to be able to teach someone else (particularly a student) how to play them. I was nervous when i signed up for the class.... i mean, playing infront of people? learning infront of people? teaching infront of my peers? DO HUH?
But it's been great. I never thought i would enjoy it this much, but i'm really loving it. And what's great is that i don't know anyone really well in this class... i work better that way. And what's really odd is his whole hands on groupie stuff twists my brain and i catch myself interacting with people. Tricky tricky!
I think i've just been so consumed with the past 3 years that i haven't truly been myself. I hate that people have only seen the doubty insecure anxious worry freak part of me that has flared of because of my circumstances. I want so badly for people to want to be around me, to see the funny me again, the me that really can be fun/cool and even make you laugh. SOOO yeah, i'm enjoying these new faces. These people who have no preconceived ideas or expectations of me.
I went to eat with some college girls Thursday evening also. Aren't you proud of me? I even asked if they wanted to head back to the dorms and play games. My mother was SO shocked. "You asked them to play?" haha!! It was a blast! We even had the girls in the room below us come up and tell us we were being too loud. OOPS!
Friday morning I had the opportunity to SUB. It was a second grade bilingual class. It was only for half a day so i figured i could survive the language barrier. I was told that i would have an interpreter in the classroom with me which made zero sense to me - why can't they sub? what exactly will i be doing? i need a purpose...
Whenever i got there i found out there would not be an interp. which is actually what i wanted. I work better without someone watching me - something to do with inferiority. The job was at my mom's school which i am so thankful for. I think that took a lot of pressure off. I was more calm knowing that my mother was in the same building and literally a panic button away. One little push on that thing and a familair voice answers on the other end.
I woke up at 5:30 to begin my day.... and can i just say, i do not remember the last time i woke up before the sun was even allowed to appear. Probably not since All-Region days back in High School. Anywho, it was a great first day. I know that i can do this, i'm just learning to have courage - which is really hard for me at times.
Friday afternoon after i got done subbing i ate lunch with my mom and sister in the teachers lounge, and then picked the kids up from school at 3. The effects of my early morning were beginning to show. I knew i had to keep myself busy or i would doze off on the couch.
Saturday i slept in. It's so hard to get up when i know that i don't have anywhere to be. I can wake up early - it's not a problem for me. The problem is making myself get out of bed when i know that i am not needed or have nothing to do. But i'm determined to conquer that - it's all about the mind. lol
The secretary at my mom's work is a friend of ours... she sent an email out to all the teachers at their school to tell them i was subbing this semester. Now all of these people are requesting me. TERRIFYING!!! But i'm so thankful. So my calender is getting filled in - and i'll let you know my thoughts as i continue on. I do have more from Friday, but i'll share those later. Those kids need love - it's incredibly sad and heartbreaking.
We bought a new game for Wii this week. Dance Dance Revolution! And we are ROCKIN! We had some friends over to play tonight! The men were having a competition to see who could make the best grade. And i know it'll be hard for you to believe and accept this, but.... dad won. (You should come over and play... name a time - we'll be ready!)
Well, i need to head to bed. Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend! Love you!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I have searched the obvious words like praise, song, singing, worship... and i have found some stuff that i think will work. But I would like to have more passages/examples to choose from if any of you people out there reading this can think of some examples and care to share.
umm... i'm a visual learner - i can't do the whole 'let me tell you something and you write it down as fast as you can' thing.... and i kind of dozed off during his description/example. So from what i can recall his definition of Congregational Song was something like this - anything sung by a group of people who are together to worship God, not performing for other people, but as a vehicle for their worship.
I don't know what constitutes a 'group'. And i don't even know if constitutes is the right word, but it sounds really smart so i'm using it. I mean, Paul and Silas sang hymns at midnight when they were in prison - so does 2 people equal a group?
Anywho, if you have any examples that you can think of or come across within the next 5 days i would really appreciate them! Have a great week!
Monday, January 19, 2009
For Today... Monday, January 19, 2009
Outside my window... the sun is shining and the wind is blowing. The thought of being outside makes me really cold. I've been freezing all day.
I am thinking... that i really wanted to curl up with Katie when i put her down for her nap. I might need a new pillow - i haven't been sleeping well.
I am thankful for... the many women who ask me to keep their kids. They constantly keep me busy.
From the learning rooms... i don't usually do this one, but i figured i would since Cam and I read his AR books a little while ago. He did very well!! He is actually reading this as I type!!!
From the kitchen... LH always keeps her kitchen spotless - as in the countertops never seem cluttered and the sink is never full of dishes. Atleast whenever i keep her kids it isn't. Maybe it's different on other days, but every time i've been here i've never seen her kitchen messy. We had lunch about 2 1/2 hours ago - snack time in about an hour.
I am wearing... black cami, grey DNOW t-shirt, grey thin jacket, black comfy workout capris, tennis shoes, ponytail through my black Nike hat. Grey and Black seems to be the theme for todays outfit!
I am creating... ummm, i never know what to put here. I got all of my school supplies yesterday - yes, color coordinated and everything!! Each binder has a matching spiral and folder - easy to spot in my often messy car!
I am going... to let Cam get on here after i get done with this entry. He really wants to check on Shamu (his webkinz pet). And i promised Katie i would paint her Tee-nails (aka fingernails) as soon as she got up from nap time. Wonder if she'll forget?
I am reading... Can We Talk - Priscilla, finished Deuteronomy and now onto Isaiah, Becoming - DNOW material, and i am thinking about starting a new Francine Rivers book.
I am hoping... well, Cam says 'to have a PS3' .... But i'm not really itchin' for one of those personally. Since i shared my convo last night i guess i'll say i'm hoping to love myself and take care of myself more. No more comparing myself to others, no more trying to impress certain people - just be happy with me!
I am hearing... the fridge humming, my fingers clicking on this keyboard, and Cam whistling next to me as he kicks his feet against my chair. That dude is ready to get on here - i better go!
Around the house... Katie is napping and i think you have heard enough about me and C-man! So far today we have - enjoyed breakfast, played 'hide the Hot Wheels throughout the house', watched a movie, took a quick trip up to ETBU to buy my books, a nice lunch with LH, naptime for K, reading with Cam, Nintendo, and now we are blogging together!
A few plans for the rest of the week... class tonight, DNOW preparation, Homework, picking the kids up from school (because no teachers need a SUB this week), writing my BIO to send in the mail, Choir on Wed., Sunday School and MP3, and i really really need to get my eyebrows done.
Here is picture thought I am sharing... no picture today!! sorry! Go read other Daybooks instead.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I'm doing the "Can We Talk" (Conversations with God) bible study by Priscilla Shirer along with some other friends from different places. I'm loving the idea of being able to do it in my own home, but knowing that there are others who are participating as well. In some wierd way i feel like we're together even though we do it at different times, different paces, and different homes.
This first week the focus has been on the tongue - and the power of our words. I struggle really bad with needing complete honesty with people, but as i am learning sometimes even if it is the truth it still may not be beneficial for someone to hear. It's been challening... but i would like to share some of the conversations i have had with God through this first week of study.
James 3:8-11 No one can tame the tongue... With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethen, these things ought not be this way. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water?
The golden part is what stuck out the most to me. These men (parents, siblings, husbands, children, teachers, friends) that we are speaking to or about are made in the image/likeness of God. I felt so convincted.
The verse from Matthew 25:40 which says - And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' kept ringing loud in my head.I don't think He means just physical actions that we do towards people - our thoughts and words would fall under this also. We are each made in the image of God. Now just exactly what does that mean or entail? We'll never know on this side of heaven. But we do know that we are each, male and female, created in the image of God. And when i have a judgemental thought or word towards anyone, i've done it towards the Lord. I've done it towards His creation - the work of His hands.
For the rest of the week i was able to catch myself each time i wanted to instantly react with something. It was like everyone around me became beautiful because i knew the Lord created them specifically and uniquely. He took time on each of us and to dog someone because of who they are or the way they look is just straight up ignorant.
It's so fascinating to think about! May we never speak of the Lord's creation half hazardly. Let Him overwhelm you with the fact that He created you with such detail.
This next 'conversation' may be a little bit of a stretch.... but i'm going to be brave and share it anyways. If you don't agree that's totally fine - and i welcome that.
The specific focus for this day was the power of your words with your family - children and spouse.
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33
I'm neither a husband or a wife... Honestly, atfirst i was like really? How does this apply to me? But i know that He is powerful enough to speak through whatever He wants... even a verse about husbands and wives. So i stuck around and followed through.
On this verse (even though i'm not a man, nor a husband) the phrase 'loving someone as himself' stuck out to me. The point here is that you should cherish someone so much that they are a part of you and you would take care of them like you take care of yourself. In order to love someone that way or even hold them that close you must have a positive healthy view of yourself.
Maybe i have a deeper problem with this than i really thought....
Maybe i need to accept who i am, love the way God created me, be okay with every little thing about myself (even the ugly things that i don't like)....
I didn't think i had an issue, but maybe i really do. My dad told me 2 years ago that i will never be able to love someone like i need to unless i love myself first. When i look at the relationships i've been in all i see is dependancy. It's like i'm trying to get my acceptance and assurance from them, and as we know... no human can give you enough of that. You will continually end up wanting more from them and expecting something from them that they are not able to give you.
You are beautiful - exactly who you are! He spent time on you! He gave you that frizzy hair, those crooked teeth, the half-pointed/half-rounded nose, messed up toes, that gene for obesity or addiction, those emotions that you wear on your shoulders.... He did not mess up on you. He created you uniquely with so much detail! And He did it in His likeness!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place. When i was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! Psalm 139:13-15,17
Praise Him! You are fearfully and wonderfully made... the work of His hands... and in the likeness of God himself.
conversations my sisters have had...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Jordan goes to school in Lubbock - it's not possible to make a quick trip home. These kinds of things have to be well thought out and planned.
He called Casie today to tell her "Happy Anniversary" and was acting all weird (i believe those were the words she used). She came downstairs with this weird look saying, "soooo i think Jordan is here...." Then she told me all the crazy things he was saying on the phone.
He told her to pick a restaurant that she wanted to eat at, but the same restaurant had to be in Lubbock. His thinking was 'since they couldn't be together on their anniversary they could go eat at the same place and it would be like they were together on a date'. So she pretended to follow along with his whacky plan and picked El Chicos. He told her they would go at the same time and just talk on the phone. So then he asked her to be ready at 5:30.
Then.... you guessed it.... he came over here with roses - 2 for the number of years they've been together and the 3rd for hope for the future!
They're so cute!!!! (He surprised his mom too - she had no idea!)
And i appearently never got out of my pajamas today.
Friday, January 16, 2009
The undecided person remains in doubt, in anxiety, in anguish.
Indecision accumulates problems, worries and aggressions. Human history is made of decisions. To decide is precisely to know to renounce, to know to lose advantages and values to win others.
I did not write this - and, honestly, i don't know who to give credit to or else i would do that. I'm taking a Behavior Modification class this semester, and to be real with you, I never thought about how it would benefit me. I guess i was thinking more of being a mom and knowing how to handle my children's behavior in a more positive way. On the second day of class my teacher played this video. This was the second page that popped up..... i wasn't even able to finish watching the whole video because i grabbed my pen and started scribbling down the words in my spiral.
I don't make decisions. It's really really warped and i don't even know how to explain it to you. I guess i'm worried about hurting others, doing the wrong thing, picking the wrong career, not finding my calling - which would then lead to me not being 'myself'..... I need instructions, a list, a game plan, i need to know that this is where He wants me and this is what He has called me to do.
Ask me how far that has gotten me?
I mean it's not like i know what i want or even know what i don't want. It's not like this job or that one doesn't satisfy. It's not like so in so isn't good enough for me. I'm just afraid of it/him not being what He wants for me so then i'm living a lie and not knowing it. I just figured you would somehow have this gut feeling or you would know what you wanted in life or where you were supposed to be and who with.
Did you read that first sentence up there? The undecided person remains in doubt, in anxiety, in anguish. If that does not better sum up who i am then i don't know what else does. And the reason it's so frustrating is that nothing has happened to me to make me be this way.
Well, i made a decision. (And i actually made it before i saw this video in class - bonus points.) That's what lead to this post.
I haven't mentioned this on my blog yet because i didn't want to make a big deal about it. And in all reality it's not a big deal. I thought seriously about getting my teaching certificate. I looked online and was getting everything ready to send my application in to be accepted into the program. Then i realized you had to have a diploma - so i couldn't jump at it just yet.
I didn't know what i was going to do about a job (for this semester) and i was about to lose hope. I mean i have MWF off - what am i going to do all day? I don't want to sit around the house - i mean i would love to, but i'm too afraid that i won't grow up or learn or whatever else you can be afraid of. I've been cleaning this house like crazy - there's not much left to do.
Then mom called and told me i should SUB this semester on my OFF days. That way i can decide whether or not i even want to get my certificate. I filled out my application and turned it in the next day.
You should have seen me when i went to turn that thing in..... i'm walking up to the door and all of these thoughts are going through my head - what am i doing? am i even capable? i'm going to be in charge of a group of students? am i even ready for this? do i even want this, much less like the idea? ahhh ahh ahh...
I headed straight for the bathroom and prayed. Then i took a deep breath and turned in my application.
I got the job.
And i'm terrified. super nervous. slightly excited.
So there we go. Now you know. I'd appreciate your prayers if you don't mind. And i would love to pray for you if you have anything you're dealing with.
As it turns out - Behavior Modification might be an answer to prayer. (We even have to pick a 'behavior' that we want to change, find an accountability partner, and keep a journal... I'll let you know how it turns out.)
Love You All -
Thursday, January 15, 2009
When I arrived at school this morning there was this black cloud over the music building. I soon found out that a fellow student had been killed earlier that morning in a head on collision. Jessica was on her way to student teach in Hallsville when the accident took place.
She was one of the first people i met whenever i transfered to ETBU. My aural skills class had a total of 3 people - Jessica, Me, and a guy. We had many other classes together that semester as well as choir for a year and a half. We sat together on the bus and roomed together on choir tour.
I guess i've never really experienced death. I mean other than my great grandparents, and i knew their time was coming. It's just weird to think about. (I know i don't have real deep relationships with anyone - i've made it clear that i don't have very many friends - but some of the only people i know at this school are the music students because i spent my first semester in that building - and went on tours with these people.)
So many of these people were walking around with tears streaming down their face trying to find some way to understand all of this.
I stood there listening to all these people trying to make sense of it all. And i kept my mouth shut. Nothing i say will change what they are feeling. Sometimes it's best to just sit back and simply be there.
I went and sat in my car with the music playing and started thinking....
I know that this moment today was for me... for reality to sink in.... for me to re-evaluate what is important.... to think about why we are here on earth.... to see the body of Christ come together and wrap their arms around a group of students who are in so much pain... just trying to find some way to cope with all of this....
That's beautiful brokenness to me.
Lord, i love You and i thank You for who You are. We are so human. We have no idea what is going on, what you have in store, how long we will be here, what You are doing, how You are using this situation for Your glory. There is so much that we have no clue about.... But You are God and You are soveriegn and You are beautiful! I lift up this family to you - i lift up all the students and faculty - and I honestly don't know what to say beyond that. May we truly see the body of Christ come together during this time. We need You - more than we'll ever know or understand.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I definetly was not in my bedroom working on something when i heard the fire alarm go off in the kitchen.... and i so was not home alone and forgot that i had a candle burning on the stove. But if it were to ever happen all you do is open all the windows, wave a thick book at the detector so that it will shut up, and say a little prayer of thanks to the Lord that there were no flames. Of course, this never happened.
And i would never be so lazy that i would use the restroom at a friends house and not remove the Dora kid toilet seat. I mean who does that? I did not position my hiney on that tiny seat just right so that i made it in the toilet. Not me.
I also would never admit that i have a fear of having to go number 2 while in the car and there being no restroom in sight. I did not make my friend pull over at a gas station and wait on me for 15 minutes so that i could walk around and work my food down to the place that it was ready to come out. And i definetly did not make her stand alone outside because i didn't want her to hear me going to the potty. Never in my life.
I did not use my blog as an excuse for needing to go to my house while babysitting today. I mean maybe if i needed a break or something.... but no, it didn't happen.
Do you dare admit some of the things you did this week?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
O my goodness, i hadn't really thought about it until just now, but can you believe that i have been "out" 3 nights this week? That's like a record for me. I mean, Megan out in public hanging out with a group of people? And get this - they like me - they even laugh at my jokes and think i'm funny!
I heard mom talking with another lady at work the other day when i went to visit her for lunch, "my daughter has been doing so good keeping the kitchen clean, the laundry done, and the living room picked up." SCORE! (I'm too scared not to be busy - i don't want to be lazy or ignorant.)
I am wearing... cream (creme?) cami, brown sweater-ish shirt, blue jeans, hair down - got a nuetral vibe going on today. So like me!
I am going... to MP3 in bout 5 minutes. Tonight is the first night for the Spring! Time to get excited again!
I am hoping... well i was really hoping to finish this before i left for church, but that's not happening. Guess i'll finish later!
I am hearing... Barlow Girl playing on my computer. When my computer crashed 2 years ago i thought i lost everything (music, pics, etc), but to my surprise it's still on my computer - well the music is. I found it somehow the other day when i was looking for some file.
Mom and I in New York City - November 2004 - Back in the day when i used to wear make-up galore! O help us! My hair looks so black in this picture... the older i get the more brown it looks.
More Daybooks to enjoy!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The older we get the harder it has been to complete a new cd each year. 2005 was the last time we recorded - and it was SO much fun! We usually do it in our own music room at our house, but we decided it was be less stressful (for everyone involved) if we let someone else take care of the 'technical' issues. So we went to a guy close by and recorded in his studio. We each had our own soundproof rooms with a little glass window to look out and see everyone else, our own studio microphone, and cool headphones to listen to the music and everyone else singing - SO NEAT!! It was incredibly fun!
It's been 4 years so we have more than enough songs in order to complete a cd. So here we are! After a long break... Preparing for yet another year of the Kilgore Family singing/recording tradition. This is seriously like one of my favorite things to do. I like to pretend i'm the little voice teacher. Encouraging everyone else to just have fun and sing like no one is listening. haha!!! :)
We practiced today... that's what inspired this post. We went into the music room to run through our songs and it was like a FREEZER in there. All of us in our jammies, no make up, air dryed hair, mismatching clothes, and even eskimo jackets. You know the ones with the hoods that have that fur on them? I call them eskimo jackets -don't ask me why- I haven't a clue. I just thought it was hilarious that Casie and I were bundled up like that... so of course i got a picture!!!
Doesn't she look beautiful? How many different colors does she have on?
This is home for me! I just feel like i'm in my element... but no one is there watching me so it's really really genuine. Those moments are my favorite! I'm excited that it's finally time to record again!!!!
I love you, Lord. And i thank you for the gift of music and the ability that you have given my family to sing. It really is special. I thank you for all the times that i have met you in this small room in the back of our house. I am blessed - and i love You so much!!!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Things are changing in my life.
You want to hear my old "plan"? I always thought i would go to college, get engaged and then marry the summer after graduation, we'd wait 2 or 3 years then start trying to have children....
The only part of my plan that has actually come true is that i went to college.
The emotional and mental issues that i've struggled with have always been painful, confusing, and overwhelming, but at the same time it has made me a better person. I haven't viewed people the same way since i've gone through those things. Becoming the loser at school that no one sits with, the girl who looks incredibly skinny and gross and obviously needs help, the person who always seems to worry and gets on your nerves and you just want to shake her so that she'll wake up.... that's me - and it's embaressing. But also very very humbling.
I'm more aware of peoples feelings because of what i've gone through. No, i'm not claiming to know everything. I'm simply saying that being that far down really changes the way you look at people, their situations, and even decisions.
I'm going to admit to you that i've been to that place.
The place where you're hurting so bad that you just want to die. You want to leave this world and get away - i mean there's no pain in Heaven and if dying is what gets me there then i'm ready to go.
I've been there. I feel for those people.
I can't stand when i hear others making fun of people with mental illness (no matter how big or small - it's still an illness). And the reason is because i know that no one would choose to be that way on purpose. Something is really wrong and not lining up inside of them. But you get so use to being in that place that you're miserably comfortable there and can't seem to get out.
We tend to think that our "situation and circumstance" is so much harder than everyone elses. We look at other people and know the answer to their problems. We get frustrated with them for being so stupid and not knowing how to handle what they're going through. Man has my view changed.
I pray that i never forget what i felt while going through all of these issues. I pray that it will continue to affect how i view people and the things they are going through. That i won't pretend to know everything about their situation, their home life, their emotions, their past, etc... And that it will even change how i view my children's behavior and decisions. We don't know what's going on inside of everyone around us.
I still have so much to work on, so much that i don't understand.... but i'm learning that even when it doesn't make sense, even when i'm frustrated to the max, even when it feels like it's taking months and i should be over it by now.... He is still in control.
... but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:4
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I realized a lot about my life through this story. The pages to my Wake Up The World book are very worn.... even falling out. I can play one song by memory; even sing along. Never before have i been able to sing and play simultaneously- much less play to begin with. But there's just one thing.... it's the only song i know. Sure it sounds great, but that's only because i've hacked through it day after day knowing that i can successfully pull it off.
I tend to tackle life this way. Doing the same things over and over because i know that i'm good at them.
I'm afraid of trying new things. I feel very very inferior and often sale myself short. I guess i don't believe in myself. Randomly i'll have a really good day and do something totally unexpected. Like the day i sat down and played through this song. It was odd. I learned it very quickly and even smoothly. There were no bumps on the road that slowed me down or made me feel incapable of reaching my destination. It just kind of happened.
From that day on i continued to visit the piano and sing through my song. Everytime i got the chance i wanted to do it over and over and over; to the point that the song was pretty much rock solid.
Every now and then i'd venture off to the next song in the book, but the experience wasn't nearly as smooth. I'd struggle through the song for as long as i could stand and then i'd eventually give up.
You know you can do this. You did it on the other song. It just may take a little longer. Don't give up. Sit back down and finish.... even if it sounds terrible and takes you 10 minutes.
I don't pursue things. I dream and that's it for me. I make lists and plan and then that's the end of the pursuit. I don't know why i can't carry things out. I guess i don't know if i can do it... so instead of attempting to find out, i just stop before i make a fool of myself. I mean what if i look like a failure? What if i hate it? What if so in so is watching? She knows what she is doing, she's SO good at it... What if she has high expectations? What if i'm not as good as her? What if...
I've learned the "what if's" are very dangerous.
They trap you and keep you from moving forward.
I can continue to play the same song over and over.... it'll sound great, i'll look like i know what i'm doing, it'll be smooth and easy, i'll be safe inside my comfort zone knowing exactly what i can handle, and people may even enjoy it.... but growth only comes from doing things beyond what we've already mastered.
We may fail. We may make a complete fool of ourselves. We may fall flat on our faces. And people may totally hate it. But we may also do great.... and there is only one way to find out.
Try. Go for it. Just do it. (even if it's to find out that you hate it and never want to do it again)
It is never about the outcome. It's about who you become through the process.
We will never learn anything (about ourselves, others, life, God, etc) unless we go for it. He never promised that every situation would be smooth and graceful.
It's about finding what He has created you for. It's about falling in love with Him. It's about embracing who He created you to be. It's about learning to fall in love with the process. Who knows - you just might find the one thing you were gifted to do!
Will you embrace every moment and opportunity that He has given you - win or lose? smooth or bumpy? Or will you stay exactly where you are - repeating the same tasks that you know you can conquer?
Don't worry about who's watching. Don't think about the outcome. Don't even wonder if you can do it. Just let Him be and see what happens. You never know what He is doing, what He is teaching you, what He is preparing you for. Don't miss the blessing because you're too afraid to try.
He knows what you can become....
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I have two profiles. (my nose is rounded on one side and pointed on the other - NO JOKE!)
I don't use conditioner.
When eating cereal i use bacon as my spoon. (biting off a piece with each scoop - it's good! You should try it! This works well with oatmeal too!)
I was born with the wrong bone in my big toes.
I'm really lazy when it comes to taking showers. My depression (freshman year) did not help any. To this day i have to work really hard on this - gross huh? It'll definitely soften your heart towards people when you go through things like that.
I am the shortest in my family (by about half n inch).
I've never colored my hair.
I hyperventilated at the movies (in Little Rock) my freshman year of college. I was with 4 other girl friends and was (amazingly) not embaressed. I think it was due to stress or something, but i totally thought i was dying. I started balling whenever i called my mother and she told me to find the nearest hospital. It's scary to hear those words from your mother who is a nurse.
I can wear a size 3 shoe in the children's section at Payless.
I don't wear base.
I like flamin' hot fries dipped in cookies 'n cream ice cream. Another good combination is Wendy's french fries dipped in their chocolate frosty.
I get a haircut once a year.
I think i'm afraid of relationships.
I've only had one "real" job - a server at Golden Corral my Junior and Senior year of high school. Other than that i've only babysat.
I was in the top 10% of my High School graduating class. (32 out of 356)
Even though my mother worked at the hospital in town I was born in Louisiana. (something about her not trusting the place)
I do not have a TV (or Radio/CD Player) in my bedroom.
There are 58 pairs of shoes in my closet. (umm and i got rid of a ton last year... this is sad)
I need/like acceptance.
I cry alot. (it annoys my dad) Mom said i cried for months when i started elmentary school - she always made my brother drag me out of the car each morning. I even cried before starting Junior High. Maybe this is why she always says that i dont like new places or changes.
I like off brands - whether it be clothing, food, shampoo, etc.
I'm not a breakfast eater. But i always loved when my parents made breakfast for supper.
I have never tried seafood.
I really really like details. (lots of details... as in you can never give me too much information)
Anxiety is my middle name. (bet you're shocked, huh?) When i check the dead bolt at night i'm always tempted to check it twice and even push the door real hard to make sure that it's shut. And even when i know that my cell phone is on silent i get really anxious and have to check again.... sometimes twice. I'm getting better with things like that though.
The first time i cooked was at the age of 18.
I got in a canoe accident (i know - sounds retarted) 3 months after i'd had shoulder surgery. The water was 32 degrees. It was really scary at the time, but extremely funny to think back on.
I made a 4 on my AP Calculus test. (out of a possible 5)
I've never broken a bone.
My birthday is on a Mexican Holiday.
I always hold my breath while walking past cigarette smoke... and even exhale a few times once i start breathing again. My friends always make fun of me.
I like lemon in my water and sweet tea. (I even bought some when i was at W*lm*rt the other day)
My favorite color is black. I also like brown. (is that weird?)
I will graduate college in 4 months at the age of 21. (I turn 22 three days after graduation)
John 13:7 is one of my favorite verses. (it was one of the first times that i felt God speaking directly to me in the midst of my situation - i was sitting on my bed in my room all alone one night 4 1/2 years ago.)
I love sleeping while it's raining.
My mother has the best french toast. I won't eat it anywhere else.
I never failed a class in High School.
I don't like chocolate unless it has peanuts, walnuts, or something in it.
When I am stressed out i pop pimples. (that's probably TMI, but hey... it's true.)
My brother and I are 15 months apart.
Spiders and Snakes scare me.
Growing up i believed that you got pregnant by kissing. I freaked out when i saw the college students (that my parents used to teach) kissing in my front yard. For goodness sake they weren't married yet.
I'm not a morning person. My parents have learned not to speak to me for atleast an hour after i wake up. (terrible huh?)
I've never had a debit card.
I prefer to use cash. I don't like checks.
I was so shy growing up that you could say my name and my face would turn bright red and tears would form in my eyes.
Upon my request, my mother walked me to my 1st period class in 7th grade. (i'm so weird)
I love to fold clothes. (i'm not a hanger person) Laundry is probably one of my favorite chores.
Rocking is a must for me. I've rocked my whole life whether sitting or standing. If you watch our home videos you can see me sitting on the floor less than a year old rocking back n forth.
I cannot wait to have children of my own.... but am really afraid of dating - i don't know what my deal is.
I've never seen a bill in my life. (as in 'making a payment' bill, not a person named Bill)
I was afraid to tell my mother when i started my period.
Simba (my dog) got ran over on my birthday. I remember exactly where i was whenever i found out.
I love pregnant clothes.
I enjoy touring peoples homes.
I've sang at one funeral, one wedding, Carnegie Hall, Prom, and just about every kind of high school sporting event you can think of.
I tried out for cheerleader on my birthday and did not make it.
I have never moved. (except for whenever i moved out for college, but that so doesn't count)
I made a 14 on the reading/english section of either the ACT or SAT. (i was so shocked.) And a 27 on both the math and science. Talk about a drastic difference.
I have an extremely good memory. (which isn't always a good thing)
My favorite fruit is PineApple.
In 6th grade i got first place in the 400 meter race at Field Day. I remember my dad trained me for the big race (haha) and i actually took his advice and it worked. It's a cool story. Ask and I will tell. (Makes me think about my Heavenly Father and how much i should heed His advice. He does know what He's talking about even when i'm in last place coming around the curve.)
I don't like to use Q-Tips when cleaning out my ears. I prefer a bobby pin instead.
I made 1st chair in All-Region my Senior year of high school. (And 13th at All-State, but they only took the top 12... sad day)
I like to take hot baths (especially when i'm cold or sad) - you can actually see the steam coming off the water in the tub.
My favorite soft drink is DrPepper.
In the past 2 years i have read about 20 books. Before that time i'd never read a book completely through.
My first kiss was in 4th grade while playing truth or dare. (the boy's gay now) I didn't kiss again until 8th grade when i got my first "boyfriend". DUMB!
I love bible study. It really excites me to hear people share personal stories, or something they got from studying God's word. I cannot express to you how much i really enjoy this.
I sucked my thumb up until either 2nd grade or 4th grade.
I made the Dean's List with Honors this past semester. A 3.8 - the highest i've ever had. And i totally wasn't expecting it.
I shake my feet (and/or legs) a lot. And let me just say Anti-Depressant medication only makes it worse. Talk about looking like a spastic freak.
I don't talk much while riding in the car.
I've ridden 6 hours without ever turning the radio on.
I'm a really bad people watcher. (i got lost at Disney World when i was about 6 or 7 because i was "people watching" [it sounds better than staring]. Mom even told me to stop and i got distracted again and turned around to find out they were gone. We have a picture from when they found me - it is not a nice picture. They laugh... i do not.)
When i get sleepy i like to rub my feet against the bed or whatever else i'm sitting/laying on.
I think my spiritual gift may be teaching and even a little discernment. (i've always ran from the idea of being a teacher.) I have been praying about this... we'll see.
I have never studied for more than an hour for a test.
I admited something to my parents that most children would never admit. I'm really really really weird about honesty. I need to have it. I can't handle secrets.
I do not know how to work a lighter.
I pulled my coach aside and quit cheerleading in the Spring of my Junior year on my birthday.
I've had a pet hampster, bunny, and dog.
I can only handle so much sweet. (as in food)
I do not like eggs... in any way, shape, form, or fashion. The rest of my family does.
Someone egged my car my sophomore year at OBU. I have a permanent scar on the back left corner of my SUV.
Funyuns are yummy.
I was in 9th grade whenever 9/11 happened. (sitting in the choir room)
I use the restroom atleast 3 times in the middle of the night.
I am saved! (Despite how weird, sinful, and random i am.) And for that i am thankful!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I am creating... i got nothing for you here. A new mindset. How's that?
I am hearing... the tv, china running around playing with her toy, and some friends laughing and talking.
This was taken at Silver Dollar City inside the Cave. It was cold and dark down there, but felt good compared to the scorching sun.
Want to join in on the Daybook fun?
Monday, January 5, 2009
A friend is staying the night with me tonight because she had to come back a week early for rehearsal for the Spring musical. She didn't get to town in time to check into the dorms, so she is sleeping here. Her rehearsal begins bright and early at 9 AM tomorrow (which is 8 hours and 10 minutes away). She went to bed at 11 so that she would be rested.... I took the laptop and headed down to the living room with my 'night owlness'. Perfect time to read blogs and not feel guilty for ignoring people.
There is someone or something down there.... no joke. China (my dog) would not get still. And believe me that girl is lazy, it doesn't take much for her to lay down and take a nap. She was barking at something and staring at the door like something was out there. I ignored.... until i heard it too. Then after hearing it again i got up and checked the dead bolt. She kept raising her ears and looking around. I'm tellin' you.... something is out there. And that is so not cool.
I'm creeped out.
I called my sister (from upstairs in her bedroom) on the phone and made her come watch me as i gathered my things, turned off all the lights, tv, and headed up the stairs. I sat in her room for a little while tucked away in the corner trying to hide the glow of the computer screen... then i felt bad so i tried to be brave and head down the hall to the Media Room.
Checked behind the couches, and then was about to sit down when i noticed that the neighbors dog was barking..... which is REALLY odd. I'm tellin' you - something is out there.
So here i sit - in my bathroom - haha!!!! I have the door closed and i'm typing away.... but hey i'm locked in a room, with no windows so whatever/whoever is outside cannot see that my light is on....
I'm totally freaked out - and too wired to go to sleep.
So off i go to explore in Bloggerville!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Mom was a natural. She had just taken a shower when dad called to invite us out. "ugh, i just showered. I do not want to ride. I don't want to get dirty. Let's just go out there and see them and please your dad." Umm as soon as we got out of the car she handed me her water and said, "Okay i'll ride!" I knew she couldn't stand it. She had 3 horses of her own growing up. I'm sure the memories came rushing back and she couldn't resist.
Here i am with my camera - you know, just fine and all! They had 5 horses... so while mom was riding i took pictures of the others. I'm sure they were sad they couldn't join in on the fun, so i decided to keep them company. The horse below is 34 years old.
And now she's on her way back. Don't you love her cowgirl attire? Bright pink t-shirt with work out pants.
I would like you to know that i am NOT sitting on the saddle in this next picture. "Oh, he'll be fine, Megan. Just hop right back there on his toosh." uh huh sure. I'm keeping it cool here, looking pretty calm huh? That did NOT last long at all. I could feel that huge monster breathing in and out. They were sure to laugh at me whenever i announced outloud that i didn't like to feel him breathing.
I was too afraid to go alone, i wanted someone with me... bad idea. It's like He was determined to make me face my fears head on for once. :) Right here (below) is when the horse decided he didn't want me on his toosh. He wanted to go back in the stall. He headed straight for the gate, down the little ditch..... you talk about freakin' out. That was enough for me. I announced loud and clear that i was ready to get off. Thank you for the ride, i am now done.
But instead, i decided to give in. I went for it. This is a new year. Let's conquer some things we're afraid of. Let's have fun with something that seems totally frightening. And frightening it was - and even a little fun.... once i got details and figured out how to work the horse. But i made Casey walk infront of me guiding the horse the whole entire way. You aint about to stick me up there and leave me on my own.
This is where he decided to be really funny and let go of my horse and just give all the control over to me. I was not nice to him at that point. We are having a little heart to heart right here in the picture below. Look at Casie - she kind of knows what she's doing. She's far braver than I.
So off she goes with her horse wisdom and talent.... lookin' all cool and calm.
And who won the little "talk" that we had 2 photos back.... NOT ME! You don't play around with me - not with an animal that big. But appearently i wasn't strong enough with my words or something. So here i go trying to look all calm and cool.
And now.... i am done. Do i look scared to death in this picture? Or am i doing pretty good at hiding it? haha!
Robert went with us - he's a pro. And down below is a picture of him with his son. So adorable!I love this next picture. It is my favorite. I'm not sure why though. I just love the color, the trees in the back ground, the side view....
Casie had so much fun that she had to go back for round number two. And of course she got her Guns up for the Raiders. Too bad they lost.
Here is another picture of my friend. Two years old. Hasn't been ridden by strangers much. He's got a really sensitive mouth. You have to be gentle with him. And you put ME on there? crazy!!! He sure is pretty though. I love horses - i mean looking at them of course!
Buh Bye Buddy! I'll be sure to miss you. Thanks for the ride.