Tuesday, August 26, 2008

he keeps me laughin'

I was making a sign for Levi's bedroom door. His name was centered on the page and i was going to fill the rest of the free area with things he enjoyed to do. Riding dirtbikes is one of his favorite things to do. I found one of his tiny dirtbike toys and traced it on the page.

Megan: "what else do you want on here, Levi?"
Levi: "I want Motor on there." This would be his pet dog who passed away a few weeks ago.
Megan: "oh, well i'm not really good at drawing animals. I just traced this dirt bike. What if i just write his name on here?"
Levi: "okay. That's fine."
Megan: "okay! How do you spell it? With an o-r or e-r?"
Zoey: "o-r. It's out there on his sign if you want to go look at it."
Levi: "no it's not. It's d-o-g."
Zoey and I look at each other and try to hold in our laughs.
Levi: "What? It is. My teacher told me."
Megan: "Yes! You are correct, Levi. That is very good!"

I thought i'd share that story with you... i told a friend and she suggested i put it on here because it was so funny and too cute!

I also added some new bloggers to my list. As well as showing the title of the latest entry they posted. Hopefully this will help you to see if you are interested before you click away and wait for the page to load. (for those of you who have dial-up or time is an issue.)

Hope your week is going well! Love you all!

Monday, August 25, 2008


Here is the post from saturday while moving casie into her dorm. Some of the pictures were deleted in the process on accident. I got tired of calling casie and telling her to upload one more, so i settled with these. This is where she's living now!

Here was the process through out the day...

This was actually taken Friday night - our last night to go out to eat as a family!
And here is our first glance...talk about blah! mysterious wall color? - she got green!

The joy of unloading the car.

Pretty pretty paper.

wonder if it will look okay?still hard at work...

You feelin it or hatin it? I'm not totally lovin' it, but it's cute! Casie loves it - she says it feels more homey! That's what we want folks!

of course. shoulda known. already on the internet.

This is my favorite thing in the room. I love it! A box photo frame, scrapbooking paper, and a wooden letter. Ta Da!!!

K for Kilgore!

Mom did the lamp. She wasn't too pleased with herself, but it looks fine!

One painted C - on top of scrapbooking squares taped and lamenated together

Mom saying good bye.

excuse the no make up, and the weird angle... my legs look weird and my shorts look short. promise they're not! Lovin' on my sis - i think she was annoyed at this point - i made her take this pic with me!

her closet, organized junk...

And now it's hidden - so so neat!

Beautiful desk area. lots of studying 'should' be happening here.

And now the final product! We didn't have enough paper to cover all the way to the window... sad day. But she loves it! Turned out pretty cute!

And you guessed it... this is her roommates side of the dorm room. Pretty drastic change to casie's bright colors don'tcha think? haha!

Mom and dad had something they had to be at this evening so they left around 5:30. We brought an extra car so i could stay later if it was needed... and it was. I took my beautiful little sister all over her campus looking for her classrooms. We walked off her schedule twice, to make sure she knew where she was headed. We found the chapel for the Sunday Morning college worship service. Casie and i made a grocery run, and got a few items that we had forgotten. I learned how to set up a printer, register it, and all that jazz by myself (yay me). I felt like a mother today. Especially when it was time to leave. I wasn't ready. Never did i think this day would be this hard. I balled my eyes out - all the way home. I even came into the garage too fast, the door wasn't done going up. Don't worry the antenna was the only thing that hit it. Mom was standing in the kitchen when i came in the door. With tears in my eyes i said, "she's there all by herself mom... i didn't want to leave her." I just sat there starring at her dorm, thinking about her being there all alone. I said a prayer and then made myself leave.

Watch over my sister, Father. Wrap your arms around her and protect her. Help her as she makes friends and learns to be on her own. Pour your wisdom and truth into her. Keep her aware of Your direction as she makes her decisions. Be her strength, confidence, peace, comfort, everything... we need you. Thank you for this day. Thank you for all that you are going to do in and through Casie's life. We love you.

Beginning of The End

Today was the first day of school for my senior year of college.

Up until Junior High my family attended a church in town where my parents helped out with the college kids. We were constantly planning events and activities to do with these students. Our house was always full of girls and guys from ETBU. I remember them being so much bigger than i view myself to be now. I don't feel old enough to be a senior in college. I can't believe i'm really in my last year of schooling...

As i was getting ready this morning i looked at myself in the mirror and just stared. (You are a senior in college. This is it.) Actually i was talking to myself outloud, ha :). I'm weird. I know.

My first class was at 9 o' clock in the morning - Youth/Single Adult Ministry. With my major being General Studies i kind of just picked random Religion and Psychology classes that sounded interesting to me (and were upper level). These are the two subjects that intrigued me most(religion and psychology).

The Professor made us go around the classroom this morning announce our name, classification, major, and our experience with youth. I immediately tensed up. (our experience with youth, o my gosh, what will i say?) It was then that i realized, Megan you teach Jr High Sunday School and you've been doing it for a year... say that. I don't know why i never thought about it going into the class, but i'm so glad he made us do this activity. I know it may seem stupid and insignificant, but it opened my eyes to the fact that i can use this stuff i'm learning right now where i am.

You think God had a plan for me signing up for this class and being with Jr High Girls at the same time? Surely.

I was already very excited and interested about the class initially because any religion class is worth it to me. I focus more in those classes than in any other. But now i'm even more excited! And guess what? No tests! Just activities for learning... yay!

I only have 2 classes on Monday/Wednesday. My next class doesn't begin until 1 o' clock.

I've had some pretty long evenings the past 3 nights... each of them totally unexpected. Since i no longer have to go to chapel and had a beautiful break until my next class i came home and took a nap.

Yes. A nap on the first day of school.

I want to be prepared going into the school year. I don't want to be exhausted and tired already when i'm only beginning my classes. I had to talk myself through the nap... haha. No, i'm really fine!

*{I just got back home from my 1 o' clock class... i figured i'd share a little about that one too. I've had this professor before so i knew what to be prepared for going in. It's funny the level of comfort i felt walking into this class and having to introduce myself to everyone rather than the class this morning. Some of the same people, obviously same ages, yet me feeling different because i'd been there before... probably says something about me. (possibly that i don't like change or new things) In this class we had to do the same thing - name, classification, major, hometown, but also something that you do that people think is crazy. The class is Abnormal Psych so that's why he added on the last interesting fact. When it reached me i listed off the first four and then for the life of me couldn't think of anything crazy to say that i do.... i mean i know i do ALOT of crazy things. Such as worrying too much, doubting, having really bad anxiety, making list after list after list, etc. But i don't think that's what he was looking for. "umm and something crazy about myself? I don't really know. I do have many things that are crazy. I'm a pretty crazy person, but i just can't think of anything right now." IDIOT! That's me! He moved onto the next person.}*

Please pray for me as i make friends. It may sound silly, but it's not something that comes easily for me. (i'm sure it has something to with self-esteem issues or something) I need relationships. I want them. To grow. To learn. To be there for someone like i want someone to be there for me. To love... etc.

I have no excuse now that school has started and all the college kids are back in town. It's now time to jump on board. Your prayers will be greatly appreciated.

I love you all. Have a great week!

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Saturday, August 23, 2008

emotionally drained

I miss my sister...

It's only been 2 hours since i said goodbye, but i can't stop crying.

It's so different being on this end.

As i was driving away i kept the dorm in my view. I kept thinking about how she was all alone in there... no one there except her. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to leave her.

I prayed the whole way home, while crying and trying to focus on the road. I don't know if i'll make it whenever i'm a mom. It's hard enough to let my sister go.

We have pictures of the room. I plan on posting them tomorrow. Casie has to send them to me, so once that happens we'll be good to go.

I pulled up into the driveway, hit the garage door opener, the door slowly started going up, i saw the empty space where her car was supposed to be, and the tears came flowing even more.

I mean i knew it wasn't going to be there, but i guess i forgot.

It's all starting to hit me.

She's really gone. She's in college now. No more sharing a bathroom. No more rocking together and reading. No more seeing her car in the garage. No more seeing her on Sundays. No more coming home from work and walking in the door to see her sitting there. So many things are about to change, and i never imagined i'd be this emotional. o my goodness...

This is my little sister - MY LITTLE SISTER. Do you realize that? I want her back.

I'm such a nerd... (she's only 30 miles away)

the emails have already started.

thanks for the blog posting (sisters) it made me smile/laugh/cry all of the above!! =] and thanks for helping me move in today and staying later with me and showing me my classes.....thanks for decorating the room - i love it!! =]i will miss you bunches and i know you said that you're always there for me but don't forget the same goes for you too!! good luck with school on Monday and ill c you on Friday, i love you!! casie


I can't sleep.... too many thoughts going through my mind. One being the fact that my sister is leaving this morning. (I say this morning because it's after 1 AM.) I really need to be getting a good amount of sleep because we have to get up early in the morning to get started on moving. But i can't seem to rest my thoughts.

I found this picture the other day while i was rummaging through the craft/storage room. It made me smile and brought back so many memories. I felt it was appropriate to share with you since Casie is leaving today.

I'll never forget the day this picture was taken. I don't remember a ton of things from childhood, but when i look at this picture, i can remember that day specifically.

We went up to the mall here in town and did that glamour shot deal with our mom. We thought we were something, lemme tell ya. We got to wear make up, jewelry, pretty sparkly clothes, fix our hair real big like mommy, and take tons and tons of pictures! I remember feeling special that day!

As i was laying in my bed trying to go to sleep i started thinking about all the things i would miss about my sister.

There is a bond that comes with sisters that you can't find anywhere else.... i'm going to miss that. I don't think i'd really realized it until i sat here tonight dwelling on all that we've been through together.

My sister is the one person that i can talk to and spill my guts with, knowing that she won't judge me or tell anyone else.

She is the one person that i can go number 2 infront of or with the bathroom door wide open and feel so comfortable doing it... haha :)

I'm going to miss feeling hurt, confused, afraid, like life isn't fair and being able to come stand in the bathroom and cry together.

I could talk to her like i can't anyone else.... no games, no sounding smart, no posing, just me.

She could always tell when something was wrong with me. Half of the time because i'd have tears streaming down my face. And she was the one person that could ask if i was alright and i wouldn't feel pressured or stupid.

She also knew when to leave me alone. She'd see me sitting there and would just sit in silence with me... sometimes the most comforting thing even though she probably never realized it.

We could look at each other and know what each other was thinking.... then bust out laughing.

I remember there were times when i would make her really mad and she'd be about to tell on me... i would start saying stupid silly random things to make her laugh... it always seemed to work. haha... it makes me cry sitting here typing it. I can picture us sitting in the bathroom - i did something and she got really mad... i started saying doo doo, toot, booger head (weird things that do not even make sense) and she would die laughing and everything was ok. sorry for taking advantage of you casie, but it's funny to look back on now.

She was always smiling and laughing. I wish i had that quality. It took a lot to get her down.

In all my years living with her it's never gotten crowded. I've never wanted to kick her out of the bathroom, out of this side of the hall way, or anything like that. We've always gotten along better than any sisters i've known. Growing up people always found it weird that we were sisters - we hardly ever fought so they thought we were friends. I don't know what the deal was... but now i realize how much of a blessing that is.

No one will ever be able to take the place of my sister.

I know that if something happened right now she is the one person i could call.... i could wake her up in the middle of the night and she'd let me talk... she'd let me cry - she'd even cry with me.... she would listen... she'd laugh... she would simply be there.

I've always wanted a best friend, but never really felt like i've had a true one. As i sit here tonight i realize that i had one right under my roof. Casie was everything i wanted in a best friend. Thank you for that!

I regret a lot of the things i did growing up, especially things from high school... simply because looking back now i realize how much she was paying attention. I haven't always been the best example. But i hope i've made up for that! I hope i've done atleast a little of my part as her older sister.

Casie, i know i haven't always been the best sister to you. I know that i've taken for granted the relationship that we have... but i want you to know that i love you. I love you more than you will ever know. I'm sorry if there were times when i wasn't there or times when i let you down, but always know that no matter what happens you can tell me.... i will be here just like you were there for me. I'm so excited for you about college (never thought we'd see the day huh?). I want you to know that you can become and accomplish anything that you want(no matter what you may feel or what anyone may say to you). Believe in yourself! You can do it! I'm always going to be here for you - to cry, to laugh, to talk, to vent, to listen, to encourage, to whatever. When i think about you i can't help but see a smile on your face. You were always smiling with those big dimples showing, haha! You never let life get to you. No matter what your friends did to you, you were always faithful on your end of the friendship. They will remember that (i know i do)! I'm praying for you! I love you, poo poo booger head!

I hope i can find a best friend one day who is everything that you are to me!

Thank you Father for my sister. Thank you for all of the memories. I am so blessed to have her in my life and the relationship that we have. Help me to cherish it even more from here on out. I lift up her first semester of college life to you. Be with her on this journey. Guide her exactly where you want her to go. We love You.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Packing, Preparing, Planning, Productivity

Today has been a very productive day....

Casie and I went through her closet and dresser to pick out which clothes she wanted to take to school.

First, we started with the closet. We made a huge pile on the floor and i held up each piece of clothing and waited for the nod.


'ummm definetly no'

After she decided what was going we put the clothes that didn't make the cut back into the closet. I need organization, atleast for a little while, to make sure that you have everything you need. I went through the yes pile and made even more piles - pants, skirts, dress shirts, t-shirts, shorts, undies, etc.

We laughed at all the outfits we came across. I'm telling you, our family is so bad about cleaning things out. I'm thinking every 6 months or atleast once a year you should go through your closet and dresser and throw out things that either don't fit or you know you are not going to wear ever again. I say this because we found Sunday clothes from like 2nd grade in there. Sad thing is, we tried them on and they still fit. We should have taken pictures for you... you would have laughed!

All the clothes are hanging on the rod in Casie's car waiting for the move on Saturday morning.

There are so many things that still need to be packed - tomorrow, fun fun!

For some reason, the dorm she is staying in decided to paint the main wall in each room. Why they gonna do that? It's not like they painted in cream, brown, grey, beige, or whatever. There's coral, hunter green, maroon, yellow.... things like that. You have no idea which one you are going to get until you get your key and unlock your room on move-in day.

There is no way to plan for this type of thing... so we had to try and be creative.

Mom and I found some scrapbooking paper that matches her bedding perfectly! We plan on applying it to the wall (by the head of her bed) to cover up whatever color we get! I'm excited yet nervous at the same time. This could turn out incredibly cute or it could look really really ridiculous... but what else can you do?

I've been sitting on the floor doing some crafty creative things for her dorm room and trying to put together this pattern for her wall all night. I love it.... the whole crafty creative artsy thing. I'm thinking maybe i should do stuff like this more often. I really get interested, excited, focused...

O yeah, i forget to tell you. Casie finally talked to her room mate... well her x room mate. Lindsay was her name. She called 2 days ago and said there was a mistake because she already had a room mate. weird? Casie called the school and they found her a new room mate. But just wait, it's get so much better!

Casie called this new room mate - Erica - to talk, introduce herself, find out details, etc. She was never able to get her on the phone because the father couldn't understand english to figure out who Casie was asking for.


Once again we will have to wait until Saturday when we get there, to meet and find out who this mysterious person is that she will be living with.

While we were packing today both of us were kind of wondering what she was going to be like. There were many thoughts, 'you think she's a good girl? christian?' You know.

I remember finding out who my room mate was through email. We both had the same major and she looked like someone i would get along with. I figured since we had the same major, we would be spending lots of time together... we could help each other study... and i think i was really hoping to become best friends. I'd never really had one.

The first night we both sat on our beds talking to our boyfriends. We were so excited that we were kind of on the same boat. There was no need to go hang out with boys or do this or that.... we'd be there for each other.

Yeah, that didn't last. She didn't turn out to be the person i thought she'd be. I won't go into any details.

I remember being sad.

How come everyone got awesome room mates. Room mates that became best friends... room mates that hung out... things like that. How come i was the unlucky one?

I told Casie to remember why she was here and who she was living for.

You are a Christian. A follower of Christ. You are here to share the Gospel. You should imitate Christ in how you live... and that might be literal for you - with your room mate. God doesn't promise us perfect things (such as the room mate that we were hoping for). The world is still going to spin the way it always does, with all the sin in it... But He wants you to glorify Him in everything you do and everything that comes across your path. So let's just wait and see how this turns out!

I'll post pictures of how the room turns out!

Hope you've had a good day! Love you!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


Today was supposed to be my last day of work this summer, but Shannon was so nice and let me have the day off. Not that i needed it, but oh how i enjoyed it! Sleeping in is beautiful to me. I love not having to wake up to 'beep beep beep'.

My friend, Stacy, is wanting to redecorate her dorm room for her last year of college. I asked her last night what her plans for today were and she said, "Bed Bath and Beyond". Can i just say, YUM!

She had her eye on a bed set that she found online from this store, but before we set sail and wasted many miles of gas, she decided to call and check to see if they had it.

They did not.


We went to Longview and started searching! I was much more relaxed today than i was picking out things with my mother and sister. Not sure why?

I had my eye out for everything brown and blue, or anything that would go with brown and blue. These are my plans for my bathroom!

It all started this summer with some amazing fabric and ribbon i found. The fabric caught my eye because there were 5 different patterns using all the same colors. I'm not normally a pattern person, i usually stick to solids. (ever seen a picture of me? I guarantee you i have on a solid shirt... no prints.) But i was loving the whole same color, many different designs thing. The ribbon was brown, light blue, khaki, white, and torquoise stripes... it matched the fabric perfectly! I couldn't resist! I bought a brown towel, the fabric and the ribbon. I came home and put together a towel with my last name on it... using all of these things! I was very pleased with myself! It actually came together and looked great!

And now i'm redoing my bathroom! :)

I've gotten to the point in my life where i want everything to look warm, mature, grown up, inviting, elegante (yet not the 'oo i can't touch that it might break' kind of elegant)... you know?

I have many many plans and pictures in my head for this bathroom, but i don't know if i will be able to pull it off. I've never done anything like this before. It could turn out to be a huge disaster...

While we were looking today i oohed and ahhed over every little thing i came across.

I found a brown wicker half cirlce laundry basket that fits up against the wall... LOVE IT! I found some decorations for the counter. ahh ahh ahh...

I didn't buy anything yet though. Just glancing and dreaming. Making a mental picture in my mind. Searching for good deals.

Right now there is so much crap on our counters - gross. My plan is to clean out all the drawers and cabinets and throw away everything! The hair supplies, blow dryers, straighteners, curling irons, tooth brushes, etc. will all have it's place in a drawer or cabinet - put away so that no one can see it. The only thing i want to be visible is DECORATIONS!

I'm so so so excited!

I came across a blog while visiting another woman's blog. I searched her list of bloggers and decided to pick the name that sounded the most interesting. It was a woman who is creative and loves to decorate. She uses her blog to show all of her ideas, her secrets, her cheap findings, etc. It made me ready to have my home even more! I can't wait to decorate it!

Okay that's all i guess! Just thinking outloud!

Thank you Lord for a relaxing day. Thank you for friends! Wash me clean, remove everything that is hindering me from hearing You or being in Your presence... Flood my mind and thoughts with You. Please over flow me with Your truth and guidance. I need You.

Monday, August 18, 2008

frustrated to the max.

This was written over a period of 3 days... it took me that long to get the guts to type it, figure out how to say it, think through everything, and work around my schedule. I would type bits and pieces whenever i got a chance. Some moments i had to stop either because i was angry, too sad, or couldn't deal with it.

I've been struggling really really really (i need to type -really- many more times) bad with who i am. I don't understand and it's driving me insane. I thought this battle i was fighting was getting better and that i was going to conquer, but i actually feel like i'm getting worse.

How can a person not know who they are? How can they not understand things about themselves? How do you not know what you like? Or what you desire for a husband?

It makes me feel like a complete idiot... and i don't know what to do.

I haven't felt like blogging for a while because i'm feeling so down on myself, and blogging is one place where i don't feel like i compare to anyone else. I stink at expressing myself or explaining anything so each time i've sat down to type i end up x-ing out the page because i can't do it. I don't want to be anyone else, i want so bad to just be ME - but i don't feel like i know who that is... ahh i'm so angry. How many tears do i have to cry before He hears me? What am i missing? What am i doing wrong? I don't understand...

I decided to try and blog about it anyways. Let everything out. I feel stupid doing it, but maybe someone else feels the same way and needs to see that they're normal. I don't feel normal... but i don't know, maybe there's someone out there.

I avoid posting about many topics for millions of reasons : fear of certain people reading them, someone getting hurt by what i say, not explaining myself well enough, being misinterpreted, looking like an idiot.... I wouldn't be rude about anything, it would just be about things i'm learning or wish to let out... things about my life, my relationship with the Lord, and my family that i wish would be so different.

There was one night imparticular this summer where i was really wanting to talk to someone and didn't feel like i could because i was told never to tell a soul what had happened a few years back. I sat down at my computer and blogged on my personal journal as tears flowed from my eyes, onto my cheeks and down on my shirt.

Many times since then i have written in that journal, which is set to private, so that no one else can see it. There's no telling what you would think or feel if you read it. Maybe you would feel completely at home or maybe you'd realize how much of a lunatic i am. The thing i like about it is i don't have to edit anything... i can go in there and say whatever the heck i want, i can type away not worrying about it making sense, and then i can hit publish and not have to sit here in anxiety wondering what will come of it.

I wish that were the case when it comes to this blog, but i can't seem to get there.

I was going to try and explain everything i'm going through, everything that has brought me to this place, everything going on in my mind, in my life, eh-ver-y-thhiing... but i don't know if i can do it.

I don't trust myself... even if i started explaining i would doubt what i was saying... i would feel like i was just making all of this crap up for attention. you're such a liar, megan, get ahold of yourself.

I stink at relationships.

Every single kind of relationship there is. I stink at making friends. I stink at dating. I stink at picking out the kind of guy to marry. I stink at understanding the Lord and being in a relationship with Him. I stink at my own relationship with MYSELF.

I broke off my past relationship because i thought i was wrong. I thought i was too dependent on the guy. I didn't feel like i was where i needed to be with the Lord. I could no longer lean on this guys 'yes' that he felt from the Lord - i needed to be able to know Him for myself and get it too. I couldn't use him anymore. I couldn't stand all of the CRAP and NOISE in my mind.... i just couldn't do it.

There was part of me that felt like i would come around. I would get my life right with the Lord and get a yes too.

But there was a bigger part of me that never saw it happening. Just be real with yourself, Megan... it's over.

I tried admitting everything to myself. Everything that i felt to be true. I tried working through all the noise and being real with myself and with the Lord.

I slowly piece by piece let everything go. I took down all his gifts, all his pictures, everything that reminded me of him. I stopped emailing. I eventually stopped calling after being selfish and afraid of him letting me go. I did everything that i knew possible to show the Lord that i wanted whatever He wanted... here i am Lord, what do you want from me?

I kept thinking about the story with Abraham and Isaac. There was part of me that was hopeful when hearing that story. Maybe he just wants to see that i'm willing to sacrifice it and let it go completely... and then as soon as i'm about to bring down my hand He will step in and bring it back together.

I finally realized that i had to forget about that story. As long as it was in my mind i wasn't fully letting go. I reminded myself over and over that Abraham never knew the outcome. He never knew God would step in - he really let everything go. And i must do that first. If God chooses to step in, so be it. But first, i must forget about the out come of the story with Isaac and do the first part. I must gather all of my supplies, i must carry the relationship to the altar, and i must lay it down and sacrifice it... ALL THE WAY.... and then wait for His guidance from there.

I read Angie Smith's blog about the fine line of hoping and praying for God's power, yet realizing the other outcome is still possible. From that day on i changed my prayer to the Lord. Anytime the thought of this guy came into my mind i would simply say, "I praise you Lord because you are powerful enough... but Your Will be done."

I felt like there were these voices inside of me saying, "Megan, you are still hanging on."

Yet i didn't realize what i was supposed to do next.

"God here i am... i've let go of everything that i know to let go of... i've admitted all of these things to myself and to you.... i know both outcomes... i'm crying out to you.... i'm trying to find you for myself... but i'm stuck here, Lord, and i can't figure out where You are telling me to go."

While we were on vacation this is where i was. So i prayed for the Lord to take me deeper. "What do you want me to do next? I promise that i will do it, i just need You to help me recognize Your Voice and what you are telling me to do next."

One day about two weeks ago i was trying to think all of this through. I prayed and prayed and prayed. There was part of me that felt like God was telling me to call the guy and tell him NO. Just tell him it's over.
"But, Lord, He already knows that. We are broken up. He knows it's over. What good is that going to do him?"
It's not for him... it's for you.
Just trust Me with all that you have.

I didn't understand, but i tried to dwell on it.

I drove to longview fighting all of this in my mind. The whole pray for a sign thing popped in my mind. "okay God if i see his car i will call him and tell him no." I am so not a pray for a sign person. I'm too doubty that i won't believe it even if i see it. I'll just convince myself that i took the easy way out and that i didn't trust the Lord. When this popped in my head i just figured it was satan... i was like NO GOD NO... don't listen to that. I guess part of me knew it was coming... and it did. I passed his car - the exact one. I mean yeah, i had to pass his work on the way to Books-A-Million so duh... there was a huge possibility that he'd be there, but still I had no idea his schedule or if he even worked these days... and of course he was there. I got so frustrated, the kind of frustration that makes you laugh.

I didn't call.

Before i got out of my car at BAM i layed my head on my steering wheel and prayed. "Okay Lord, if this is what you want me to do then i need to do it and trust. I need to trust that no matter what i say or do, You are completely in control. So after i pick out my book i will call him."
I never did.

A few days later i ended up calling him, but not for that reason. Just to talk. I found a good excuse, and persuaded myself. We hadn't talked in a while anyways... what could it hurt?

It did hurt. I wasn't expecting what happened. He was angry with me. He's never been angry with me like that before... and it freaked me out. We got together to talk and after about an hour i finally told him that i felt like it was over. I didn't do it the right way though. I don't feel like i said exactly what God wanted me to and i've regreted it ever since.... but i can't call him back. I have to trust in God. I have to respect him and leave him alone.

Maybe if i'd listened in the first place when the Lord told me to call him, and i had fully obeyed it wouldn't have ended up this way.... but it's done.... so i must forgive myself and move on with my life.

This brings me to the next place that i can NOT explain to you even if i wanted to. It's not that i don't feel comfortable doing it... it really is because i do not know how to explain it... i don't even understand it myself.

I doubt myself way too much.

My dad has mentioned many times that he believes i'm in the midst of spiritual warfare. He did a study this past spring on this topic. I don't know what my deal is, but i always choose not to believe it. It just seems like some kind of excuse. I must be doing something wrong... it has to be my fault. It always is....

I gave in.

I'm doing the bible study.

Want to know why?

Because i can't find myself and i can't seem to find the Lord either. My mind and thoughts are literally consuming, frustrating, confusing, etc...

I took my no that i 'thought' i got from the Lord and was trying to become the Woman of God that He wanted me to be. I knew that i was supposed to be that person no matter who i was around. He was to be my foundation and i should live my life to please Him. I kept praying for my husband - that i'd be the woman He needed. That the Lord would mold me into who He wanted me to be for Him. Yet i felt fake. It's like i was doing all of these things to find Him, hear Him, get closer to Him, fall in love with Him... but something was bothering me inside. I can't explain it and it makes me angry.

I guess it's frustrating because i feel like the Lord would want an awesome christian guy that reminds me of Him to be my husband, yet my mind tells me that i have no desire for that. My mind tells me that it'll never happen. You weren't created for that. You weren't created to be that mom. You weren't created to be that close to the Lord. You weren't created to hear Him.

I know it has to all be lies, but i can't conquer.

My head tells me that i'm creating all of this, but seriously, is it possible for someone to do this to themselves? Really?

I know that if this isn't the right guy for me the Lord has someone else 10 times better for me and it'll all work out, but what's my deal? It's not like i'm sitting here going o my gosh i can't make it without you... i'm dying over here... i'm super sad... i'm depressed.... i'm crazy crazy in love with you - i'm none of those things... my mind is just CRAZY... and i don't understand.

I seriously started wondering if this was who He had for me and i was just running away. Believing Satan's lies.

Maybe i was wrong. Maybe this is it.

After my dad mentioning the Spiritual Warfare study millions of times, other things began to happen.

During church yesterday morning most of the time i sat there frustrated.... tears in my eyes... i didn't even sing most of the time. Ardyn even said, "why weren't you singing?" She kept looking at me, moving the hair out of my face to see what the deal was. I was trying SO hard to focus. To hear Him. To understand, but it's like i couldn't picture ANYTHING. It's like my mind isn't able to comprehend or understand... and it never will be. I"m just stuck here because this is how God has made me... (satan?)

Phil put his arm around me during the offeratory and asked how life was with a little smirk on his face. (He always seems to ask on the days that i'm NOT okay... it's like he can tell or something) I didn't even have an answer for him. Tears came into my eyes. I fought them back, but i know he saw them. He laughed and asked if i enjoyed being sad. I laughed back and said NO. "You know your answer. You know exactly what you have to do to fix this." I sat there trying to figure out what that answer was. I knew what he meant, but i could have sworn the Lord told me no... (did you read my post about letting go?)

I went home and prayed. I sat on my bed afraid to take a nap because i didn't want to miss the Lord if He chose to speak to me. I begged for Him to wake me up if He had something to say. I went to church still frustrated and confused. Want to know what the sermon was about?

How to conquer the enemy-satan and Spiritual Warfare.

During the prayer right before the altar call part of me felt like i needed to go down front. I didn't know why... i had nothing to say... i couldn't think... i couldn't feel... i couldn't do anything... but i've learned if you feel like 'maybe' the Lord is asking you something then do it if you don't see any harm. So down i walked - all by myself to the altar. I sat there... and told Him, "i have nothing to say... i don't even know why i'm down here... but i wanted to be obedient... please come... please show me what to do..." Bro John came over and prayed with me - such a genuine man.

I left still confused and angry.

When i got home i asked dad for the study he had been talking about.

This morning while i was babysitting Zoey had a friend over. The mother of this friend called to talk with me. I hadn't talked to her in months. She randomly asked about my relationship with this guy. ( i knew she already knew my answer, but i told her anyways ) All of a sudden she started talking about Spiritual Warfare and how she had dealt with it personally. She had been through a relationship with a guy who was very mentally abusive and manipulative. She explained it in a way that made me feel like maybe that was what i'd been through. My parents and others have told me that many times, but i just blamed myself. I sat there wondering, "okay God... this has to be you right? this is so random? Do you want me to keep going on with my no or do you want me to think about this?" Part of me got excited - yay maybe it'll all work out... then i was reminded of myself. You use people, you are dependant, you like acceptance, you don't even know what you like, etc. I tried pushing it away. I was in a very excited good mood for most of the day....

I took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese and then went to some other stores since we were already over there.

As we were leaving Walmart walking through the parking lot to get in the car guess who we walk RIGHT up to?



seriously.... i don't get it.

As you can see, mentally, i have some issues.... and i blame myself... but i don't know how to stop whatever it is i'm doing.... i don't believe it's satan... i've tried taking the first step and admitting it.... but i don't want to make an excuse if it's me.... i hate this.

I don't even trust myself posting this, but i'm about to hit publish anyways. I feel like i'm lying and creating all of this..... i wish i had some anxiety pills to pop because anxiety is definetly building up.

Please Lord... please come. If any of this is not true, if it's a lie then please, be in control of that... i need You. i don't understand.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Dorm Shopping...

The day is getting closer... My sister is really leaving for college! Next Saturday we move her into her dorm, and I don't think it's hit any one of us yet.

She finally got her room mate and dorm assignments in the mail this past week. There were many efforts on her end to get in contact with her room mate, but never got a response. No face, No Voice, No anything except the name of a person to meet when she gets there. I've said many prayers over this girl, and all the other friends she will make while at school... it should be interesting to meet her and find out what she's like! (Hopefully she'll have better luck than i did!)

We ran over to Longview today (mom, casie, and i) to find bedding and decorations for her room.
I had to pray last night and this morning to prepare myself for this adventure... it was going to be hard for me!

When i was going to college my freshman year i had the exact colors i wanted for my room already planned before we even started looking at bedding. Not the case for my sister. Aahh - anxiety already stirring up in me. The plan for today was to go straight to Target and roam up and down the bedding aisles until we found something pleasing to 'her' eye.

I must mention that anytime we shop together (we being, casie mom and i) i'm always the odd ball out. Casie not only got our mothers looks and parts of her personality, she also got her taste. I don't even know why i give my opinion because it just gets shot down... no not really. But most of the time i prepare myself for the weird disgusted 'you actually like that' look.

Casie is the type of person that doesn't like to shop very much. She never wanted to go with mom and i when we were growing up. I usually buy everything and then casie loves it and wears it. I've learned to go along with her, point things out to her, and try to give her a mental picture (or encouragement) of everything. I've won her over many times! But still our tastes are different in many areas.

I knew going into the day that this was NOT FOR ME! This isn't my room. The color choice is NOT up to me to decide. The decorations are not for me. Just sit back, megan, bite your tongue, nod your head, you know the deal.... keep it cool!

The first bed in a bag she picked out was black white and pink (the exact colors i had for my dorm room)... let's just say i was super surprised. Majority of the comforter was white and there were black and white stripes and random things spread across it. Probably 50-75 percent of the actual bed spread was white. If you've lived in a dorm room you know that white is a color to AVOID when picking out bedding. When you walk into your room you can expect to see WHITE, and only white as far as you eye can span! I reminded her that everything in her room was already white and she needed to be careful not to add too much more to it... she changed her mind!

Moving on to the next aisle! (thank you Megan)

We came upon this beautiful green, pink, and yellow bedding set that each of us adored! (catch the ceiling) Of course, they didn't have it in a twin size. Moving on once again.

Mom encouraged Casie to go look at the mall and other places before she definetly made up her mind. We finally found something at Sears! I'm not loving it, but Casie is and that's all that matters! It's going to be cute!

I really need everything to match! I mean if you are buying ALL new things in the first place, why not get everything to coordinate. My mother and casie, not so much worried about this issue. Again just a difference in taste i guess... for example - we have some really cute white wooden bookshelfs and things that will go great with the bedding we got her... and we found some buckets that are different colors pulled from her bedspread that will fit into each of the slots to add some color... we move on to pick out a full length mirror and mom says you want the black one.... (i'm thinking o please no no, please get the white one, please let it match every other piece of furniture in your room) she got the white one - YAY! I guess i'm weird and this is retarted, but it was funny to me to watch each of picking out what we wanted - to see how each of us would act differently when decorating a room.

We got home from shopping and were getting ready for some friends to come over and have dinner. Mom bought some new drapes or curtain dilly's for the living room. (i'm sure cari will get a kick out of this) Those curtains have not been changed for YEARS, i'm talking YEEEAAAARS! Not only have they not been changed, they have not been dusted either. I know you're thinking DISGUSTING, but that's just my mom. Some things are essential, others simply are not!

I helped her take down the old ones and put up the new ones knowing what i was about to be faced with. My eyes started itching, pieces of dust were flying all in them, and sneezing was definetly coming. We layed the old dusty curtains on the floor in the living room... people, you would have thought they were supposed to look that way. It had been SO long since it had been dusted that it looked like it had a natural faded look in the pleats and creases (i'm not sure if that's how you spell that)... don't be fooled - that would be layers and layers and layers of THICK DUST!

Poor China was hiding behind the couch sneezing her head off... i laughed and said, "i know, china.. i know..."

Maybe our allergies will back down a little now that we reduced the amount of dust in the main room.

O and the curtains she picked out were the reason i decided to post this entry. Our taste is definetly different. I love my mom (i love you)! But i aint loving them curtains!

I am really looking forward to having my own place and getting to decorate! Although, i've never really decorate a room fully on my own. I have some amazing pictures in my mind, but not sure if i can pull them out in real life. I plan on taking on my bathroom and decorating it after we move my sister out.... We'll see how it turns out... i'll probably hate it and get really down on myself... that's what i tend to do! But i'm determined to do it ALL by myself... i don't want your help mom!!! I want to learn on my own!!!! I need too....

Was that harsh? I didn't mean for it to sound that way... i'm just really struggling with some issues about myself. I need to know that i can do this on my own! I'll take pictures and let you know how it goes... if it's really bad, you may never see them! (ha)

Monday, August 11, 2008

Olympic Swimmer

My mom is laying here on the couch rolled up in a ball underneath her blanket. I wish i could take a picture and post it for you... she looks pitiful.

She cracks me up!

She gets in these moods where she's really excited about something and decides that she's going to take it up. Usually she'll see it on TV, at a store, restaurant, or someone will mention it and then she's ALL OVER IT!

Thing is... it lasts for about 2 weeks.

That's why i call it a 'mood'.

She's a HUGE fan of the olympics. Don't talk, don't sing, don't play the piano, don't do anything that will distract her while it's on...

I invited her to swim some laps and work out with me in the pool about 2 weeks ago, she did it one night! But hey, she was so fired up and all the way there the ONE night that she participated.

Back to the olympics - she loves her some swimming. I'm talking loves it so much that she was up on her feet, jumping, and screaming at the top of her lungs the other night. Me- not so much. I'll sit here in my chair, tensing up, freaking out on the inside, slowly making it into a ball, until the race is over.

She decided tonight that she wanted to go up to the Lifecenter to swim some laps in their Lap Pool. I'm thinking the olympics has gotten her into one of those 'moods'. I just smiled and went along with it!

Dad claims the pool is 25 meters long... so if you consider down and back one lap, you've done 50 meters.

O, wait, back up!

The pool was a little chilly for our liking! It probably took us 5 minutes to get down the steps actually into the pool. I'm sure all the other swimmers thought we were nerds and were wanting to break out in laughter. We didn't care! We were enjoying mother/daughter bonding time! I decided to just go for it... i jumped off the last step and started paddling frantically like a dog while my mother laughed her head off from the steps. "are you warm yet?" I guess she was waiting to see if my plan worked before she went for it!

Now, back to the length of the pool.

We swam all the way down, stopped, looked at each other, and laughed. If you want to find out how out of shape you are - get in a pool. We never did a full lap (down and back) without breaking in between. As i was nearing the wall, I pictured myself diving under water and doing that cool fast flip turn around thingy they do and then pushing off... did NOT happen! I decided to abort that about a foot from the wall, haha! They look so smooth and graceful, and i wanted to be apart of it. Wishing is about all i can do though!

After about 30 minutes i had done 4 full laps, and mom had done 3. We decided that was enough for one night. We rested in the heated therapy pool for a few minutes before we headed home. As we were getting out mom said, "i feel sick. I think i worked too hard." I would have laughed, but i was feeling her on that comment. I felt a little nauseated myself. I wasn't sure if it was the work out or the quick change from cold to heated water. My sick feeling passed very quickly. Mothers, on the other hand, did not. She handed me the keys and gave me instructions to be ready to pool over if she yells stop.

By this time i'm ready to laugh!

so here she sits... 3 laps later.... bundled up like a sick little child on the couch... once again watching swimming on the olympics.... she hasn't done any cheering tonight, she must really feel sick.

hahahaha! O man!

I'll let you know how long this swimming thing lasts...

Thank you Lord for my mother! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love her and spend time with her. Be with her this week and as she starts her new job! We love You!

Saturday, August 9, 2008


I have thought a lot lately about the impact people have had on my life. I'm the type of person who copies others. Not on purpose.... it's completely unintentional. I'm not just talking about the things they do, i'm talking about everything.

Have you ever spent so much time with someone that you realize you have adopted their slang terms, their accent, their pronunciations, their mannerisms, their gestures? I get so mad at myself. It's like why can't i stinkin be myself? I guess i get so frustrated because i don't realize i'm doing it... then when i do i'm like why? Why am i doing this?

I guess it has something to do with my personality or something i picked up in my childhood. Maybe i didn't feel like me was good enough or something? Who knows.

The reason i am writing all of this is because of a place the Lord has brought me to.

There is one specific person and situation that has had such an impact on my life. Through this person the Lord brought me on my knees, face to the floor, weeping.

He has called me each week to let go of a little more. And here i find myself this week letting go of the final piece.

Well, that's what I feel so strongly He is asking me to do, but i don't know how.

I sit here crying out to God... God i can't do this. Everything i have learned about You was taught to me through him. Everything i hear or see reminds me of him. Father i don't know how to go on without thinking of him. I don't know if i can do this...

It's like my hand is so tightly secured that i don't know how to pick it off... i don't know how to loosen my grip.

I don't understand a lot of things that are going on.... but i know my God.

I know there are countless stories in the bible where He asks for obedience. He doesn't ask Noah, Abraham, Daniel, Joshua, Moses, or even us to understand all of the details, He asks for our full obedience. And to be obedient means that we must first place our faith and trust in Him.

He gives and He takes away.

The Lord used the one situation that He knew would bring me to Him, and for that i am grateful. But i don't know how to go on from here. He is calling me to be the Woman of God that He created me to be... and to do it on my own now.

I was reading through Judges a few weeks ago, and although you may think this is NOT the message He was trying to get across, it's the message i felt Him speaking to my heart personally. If you read through this book you will see the same pattern over and over. There would be a Judge over the people of Israel and everything would be great. They were serve the Lord. As soon as that Judge died the Israelites would stray off. They would forsake God. They would do evil in His sight. The Lord would hand them over to their evil desires, to the gods they were serving.... then they would get to a point where they couldn't handle it anymore. They would cry out to the Lord and He would appoint another Judge to be over the people of Israel. The cycle would continue on the same with this Judge as the last. Serve while a leader was present, then as soon as he passed away, turn away, cry out, new leader.

As i was reading this i thought about Accountability. I think it's important to have someone to help you... to encourage you... to keep you accountable.... to leave a lasting mark and impact on your life....

But the main thing that i kept thinking about was who i should be on my own.

Christ has called me to live a Holy life. A life pleasing to Him. To let everything that i do bring Glory to His name. He has sent people in my life that have impacted it, but there comes a point to where i have to be this person on my own.

I have to be the Woman of God that He has called me to be. Truly Truly be it. Not leaning on anyone else. Seeking the Lord for myself. A Woman of God who is genuine and real and doesn't change... no matter who comes in her life or who leaves.

I shouldn't get to the point to where He takes away someone and i can't make it... and i turn away to my own sinful desires or sit here freaking out about where to go next. I should know Him, rely on Him, love Him, and live for Him on my own.

So here i sit. Afraid. Not sure i can even pick up my foot to make the next step. I don't know what i'm suppose to do next. I don't even have a clue where to start....

I prayed a few weeks ago for the Lord to take me deeper. I have come a long way over the past 5 months, but i was ready for the next step. I felt like i had hit a wall - not a hard one, i was happy and stuff, but i wasn't moving. I wanted Him to take me to the next place He wanted me. I wanted Him to show me His intimacy. I wanted to be even more in love with Him.

This morning i was thinking about that prayer. I asked Him to take me deeper and here i am, literally deeper in the physical sense. Sometimes the way to go deeper with Him is to first(physically, mentally, emotionally) go down. It may not make sense to the non-believer, but as Christians i think you know what i mean. Sometimes He chooses to take things away to take us deeper with Him.

I have felt convicted about the way I have been blogging. It's like i can't be myself when i come here. I want to, but i start typing and i can't. It's like i feel i have to sound smart or what not. I will not do that anymore. I will wait to type when the Lord lays something on my heart. I will now let this be an open journal for others to read what i'm going through. It may be painful to even share some things, but i will share as much as He asks me to. And i will be ME. (i realize that some things may not make sense or even flow, because that's definetly who i am... but i only want this to be a place used for His glory... nothing less.)

He is molding ME. He is teaching me to believes things for myself and not because all of those near to me are believing them.

I love you all.

Thank you Lord for the people you have used to influence and impact my life. Help me Lord. Help me to love you with ALL my heart. Help me to be me, a me that doesn't change, no matter who is in my life. A me that is in love with You and chooses to do Your Will. I need Your help making the next step. I don't have enough strength to even pick up my foot and am not even sure which direction to go. Please draw near. I need You. Be my strength Lord. come walk with me....

Thursday, August 7, 2008

thoughts over the last few days.

I realize it's only been 3 days since i posted about breaking... but i felt like it was okay! I have been thinking a lot over the past few days - about many things, not just blogging - so i guess that's what this post is about. My thoughts on paper.. ok so not paper, on a screen.

Monday night i decided to take a trip over to Longview and stop by Books-A-Million. I've been wanting to get some commentaries, and other non-fictional Christian books. I'm turning into such a book worm, but i love it! A bookshelf is beautiful to me.... with millions of books on it... that just says SMART, S-M-A-R-T !!! I don't ever want it to simply be about looks though, i really honestly wanted to go deeper with the Lord. I figured why not feel my time reading books to help me understand His word than any other hobby i could find. (not that any other hobby is sinful, or a waste of time-this is just where i am!)

I have been struggling with a lot of issues and questions in my mind, so the whole ride over things were kind of just spinning around in there... trying to make sense, resist the lies, fight off satan. Appearently i was thinking SO much that i wasn't paying attention to my speed.

Yes, i got pulled over.

As soon as i saw him i 'tapped' (no slamming- that's too noticable) my breaks. No use, it was too late. I learned in one of my science classes in high school that you can tell wether a persons speed is increasing or decreasing by looking at the distance between you and them. Immediately i started glancing at all the cars around me. The truck infront of me was definetly getting farther away, which meant he was going faster than I. When i was passing the officer i noticed that he looked like he was moving. He whipped around, and the lights came on. I pulled over to the right lane knowing that it was me he wanted.

If you know my personality you will probably laugh at what i'm about to tell you. But it's going to be hard to explain considering some people don't know Longview and i don't know street names. I got pulled over (or the lights and him behind me) right as i was entering the 'town' - the main part of Longview where all the stores, restaurants, and mall are... It's a busy part of town and i'm just not one to pull over on the side of the road. I mean people are trying to exit here, enter here, pull out here... you get me right? So i drove a little ways turned into this little drive and found a parking spot in the walmart parking lot. I'm sure all the other drivers thought i was a complete nerd, but i'm just weird like that! I need to be out of everyone's way!

When i saw his lights i thought to myself, 'well this books a million trip is about to be cut real short. All my money will go towards this ticket.'

Thankfully he gave me a verbal warning. He was a very nice man. I've been pulled over 3 times since i started driving, and i've waited to hear those words.... a warning! Just a warning! Thank you Lord!

So from there i continued on with my plans. I spent longer than i planned in BAM searching for books and talking on the phone with a wonderful friend! I always feel like i'm in a library and i'm supposed to be quiet while i'm in there, so i hope i didn't bother all those around me.

Upon my return home, my brother was entering the house! He had been visiting a friend and we hadn't seen him in 2 weeks. For some odd reason, him and i carried the conversation up to my bedroom... we sat there talking for quite a while. (doesn't happen very often) I felt like i needed to give him my undivided attention and put everything else that i wanted/needed to do aside. So i practiced listening. Something was different about him. But a good different.

The next day something unexpected happened in his life. He walked in the door from work and i happened to be standing in the kitchen.
"how was your day?"
"not good... i need a hug."
We stood there hugging as the tears started flowing... I once again put down everything i was doing and listened. I spent probably 45 minutes of my day loving him the best way i knew possible.

Tuesday as i was babysitting i thought about how i was supposed to be working with the kids on their schooling twice a week. I had planned on it at the beginning of the summer, but never consistently did it. As we were leaving to head over to my house i grabbed the library books, some worksheets for Levi, and begin to think about what to do. When we got to the house i told Zoey to pick a library book and start reading. Levi was to write his name a few times and his numbers 1-10. "i hate this..." (words from the man himself) I sat on the floor with them as they each did there work and got this idea to play some games to help Levi with his numbers.

I do not consider myself to be creative at all, but placed my confidence in the Lord and went on with it. I cut up 10 slips of paper and numbered them 1-10. I hid them around the room for Levi and Zoey to find. (you have to get her to do it with him or he'll feel stupid... plus she loved it anyways) When he found all 10 sheets he was to bring them to me and read the numbers as he was handing them back.

They loved playing games, so i quickly tried to think of something else to do. (Fun and Learning)

Next we layed them on the stairs in random order. You had to run up the stairs as fast as you could and read the numbers as you were passing by them! Zoey loved this one, but i think it was too hard for Levi. So we moved on to something else.

I made more slips of paper but this time put dots instead of numbers. Then we mixed them all (the numbered slips and the dotted slips) up, turned them upside down, and played the matching game! I figured this would help him recognize the number and count the dots. He would literally have to MATCH them together.

I decided since we had been doing more schooling type things than usual we'd take a trip to Mcdonalds! They were so ready to come back home and play more games. (they weren't use to me spending so much interactive time with them... shame on me)

I've been trying really hard to love Levi. To play dirtbikes, hide and seek, sweaty things with him. To show him that he is important too. I didn't realize that was his problem. He felt completely shafted. Now that i have been balancing out my time and giving them both equal amounts of me, he is being more obedient. I have learned to speak calmly and gently when getting on to him. I wait for the eye contact, speak sweetly, and then tell him what his punishment is. He's had to sit in time out each day since i switched from yelling to normal voice. Who knew it'd make a difference. My yelling was doing nothing to him, except for making him act out more (which gave me no control - he never sat in time out or anything because i couldn't get ahold of him). It's hard to discipline when it's not your kids. I had been struggling with it all summer. Finally now that summer is narrowing down i'm noticing the importance of patience and gentleness. Yelling will teach them to do the exact same! So i have switched now...

I began to think about why i was getting on to him - is this really something to get in trouble for, am i just getting on to him because i'm annoyed, am i doing this because i've seen other moms do it or do i believe it's worthy of punishment, things like that. I'm starting to be my own person. To dwell on things for myself. To try and if i fail then switch to something else. I had been so use to copying what i'd seen other moms or sitters do... and i didn't feel okay about it anymore. Things have been different for us. Days flow smoother, i feel better about myself, i feel like i'm loving them, they seem to be changing, listening, loving each other.... i'm sure we'll hit a wall some day soon, but i just wish i'd started this sooner. I wish my eyes would have been opened early on in the summer.... His timing is perfect! I will give my all these last 2 weeks, and continue to listen to His guiding voice.

Zoey had a doctors appointment at 3 so i was getting off 2 hours early. Right as we were leaving to take them home, i heard something. I felt like i needed to keep Levi. Instead of dropping him off, i felt like i was supposed to spend some one on one time with him. I sat there thinking, MAN i wanted a nap.... i'm so ready to get off. But i couldn't ignore. I dropped Zoey off and then it was Levi - Meg time! Thank you Lord for allowing me to hear You... thank you for teaching me to love!

Homeschooling has really been on my mind lately. Even had a conversation with my brother about it. I've always kind of been against it - not because i feel it's wrong, but because i just wasn't sure if i was up for it. I was always worried that they wouldn't be around peer pressure, they would be too sheltered, then when they got out in the real world they would go crazy because they'd never experienced it.... like they wouldn't know how to handle it or something. That was my major fear or worry. But i also had many thoughts towards it that were positive. One negative to countless positives. But that negative was huge to me.

Here is the average day for a public schooler and their family. Wake up, eat breakfast, get ready, go to school, come home to a sitter, do homework, parents get home around 5, cook supper, do more homework, take baths, then off to bed. Where does family time come in? Saturday? Because i'm thinking there needs to be more.

Now the homeschooling family. Wake up, eat breakfast, dad goes to work, school during the day (and usually done before public schooling time), dad comes home, eat supper, FAMILY TIME, bed time.

I think family is SO important. It's really really been on my mind lately. I had talked about homeschooling, but never saw myself donig it. I've had people (even those very close to me) tell me that now days both parents have to work. I've always rolled my eyes at that statement. I want my family to be close. I want to LOVE my children. I want them to LOVE me. I want them to feel like they can come to me and tell me anything. I want them to want to spend time with me and the rest of their family. I think it is so key to build that HOMEY - ness. The relationship, the bond, the love, the everything else. It just makes MORE sense to me to home school and i can't believe i'm even saying this... haha. I'm not saying that i won't work or that moms who work are bad. I think God has different plans for everyone. These are just my thoughts as of lately. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know if i'll end up working or if i'll home school. I just think there has to be some sort of a balance. There needs to be FAMILY.

I don't want to work SO much that i come home and i'm too tired to spend moments with my kids. I don't want to work and be so bogged down that i bring it home. It needs to STAY there when you leave the door at work... you enter your house and now it's time to focus on your FAMILY.

I believe there is a BALANCE when it comes to everything in life. And i'm learning it right now. So many things in my life need to be worked on and balanced.

Father i come to you now praying for my family. The current family right now and my family in the future. You know each of them, even the ones who havent been conceived yet. Prepare my to be the woman you want me to be. The Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mom, Friend. Teach me to balance. Teach me Your ways. Give me a heart that recognizes You and Your truth! I lift Brandon and his situation up to you. Pursue his heart Lord. Wrap your arms around him and show him Your unshakable truth and peace. Help us to be obedient to You. I love you! Take my heart... i want to be real before you... so please! Thank you for this day - may i give my all to You!

Monday, August 4, 2008

No Deal

I mentioned in the post below that i was addicted to blogging... well, i wasn't kidding. I have been convicted for quite a while, but it's taken me this long to do something about it.

Let me explain:

It's very easy to be lazy and selfish while babysitting. Especially if it's your 'job'. One night of sitting on the floor playing children's game is challenging enough. It takes an amazing amount of discipline and self-control to stay focused and passionate when it comes to babysitting 9 hours a day. Each day this summer we have taken a break to come to my house (it's only about 4 miles down the road from where i 'sit'). What do we do there? Well they watch tv, play with the dog, who knows what else.... as i sit totally neglecting them checking through my emails, and posting new blogs. I made a commitment halfway through the summer that i wouldn't touch the computer until after 5 o' clock when i was done with work. Not even sure that lasted a day. To this day i am still convicted daily by the amount of attention i give to the computer over these kids. Conviction number one!

While we were on vacation we took our computers. I'm not even totally aware of the point of bringing them along. I don't have a laptop, so it wasn't MY computer... but that didn't stop me from using it. I had to unload my camera every night so i used that as my excuse to get on there. You think He fell for that one? Let me save you the energy - NOPE! I felt convicted the very first night while on vacation, but was having so much fun keeping it updated. It was a time away from home, away from all the ordinary things, away from work - a time where we could actually be together as a family and not worry about anything else. My free time was always spent up in the computer room at our campground... each moment i sat down to type i felt Him knocking on my heart. 'You should be with your family. This should never come before your family and certainly not before Me.' There were so many other things i could have been doing with my time... and fruitful things at that. But what did i choose - selfishness!

The service wasn't availabe in our camper so we had to walk up the hill to the internet room to get a connection... which meant i was even farther seperated from my family. Isolated in a little room with some washers and dryers. One of the last nights that we were there i finally decided to resist the temptation and not get on the computer. I went and sat on the swing and read His word and talked to Him. As i got back to the camper i noticed my sister sitting in the floor of the living room with her computer open... "is it working? you're getting service in here?" "yep!" As soon as i try to get on, the bars immediately went down - Network Connection Unavailable! It was like the Lord shut the plastic case and said, "No Deal." Me, with my selfish, prideful, stubborn self grabbed the computer and started up the hill. I had to go number 2 and we don't always like to do that in the camper. The bathroom was in the same building as the internet room and service was AMAZING in there. Once again, No Deal! I'm pretty sure i laughed as i sat there on the toilet. Okay Lord... Okay, I get it! It's pretty clear since it'll work for everyone else, but not me! You want ALL of me - you want full obedience! Conviction number two!

We have been home from vacation for over a week now and nothing has really changed. Granted i didn't blog every day last week, but still...

Yesterday morning my devotional book was about 'Fasting'. Beth Moore said that we usually relate fasting to food. We stop eating and the hunger and desire for food reminds us to pray. She mentioned that anything we let go or refrain from for the opportunity and sake of experiencing Christ is considered a Fast.

If that's not enough, a friend mentioned the conviction she felt towards blogging and how she was fasting for a few days.

I have decided to take a break... to fast in a sense.... to let the desire for the internet to remind me to call on Him.

So here i am tonight, signing off.... saying my goodbyes until He lets me know it's okay to come back. I know you probably won't miss me, but there are a few people that i keep in touch with through email. I wanted to save time from sending out seperate emails to each person and decided to just let you all know here. I will not touch a computer for a while - so if you send and email and get no reply, you now know why! I am not ignoring you! I'm sure you can find a way to get in touch with me if it's truly important! The phone is still working! haha!

I love you Lord. Forgive me. Help me to recognize every area of my life that needs work. I want you... I asked you to take me deeper, and here we are! Continue Lord. Bring me to You! This time is for You and You only!

Arte Y Pico

I became a blogger almost 4 months ago, and I have to admit i'm pretty addicted to it. There are days when i have to pace myself because i feel i have so much to share (even posting more than one entry), then there are others when i can't find the words to express what i'm feeling. No matter what the case may be, one of the highlights of my day is not only sharing what i'm learning, but also hearing what other women are going through. One of these women is Rebecca. She has been very helpful to me as i learn new exciting things to do with my blog. I remember meeting her once while i was at Cari's house, but that was many years ago. She only had 3 children at the time. Since then she has moved to another state and added on to that number of wonderful blessings in her home. We've been reconnected through blogging and i'm forever blessed by her thoughts. I've spent many nights staring at my computer reading through each of her entries. She is a woman who displays amazing strength, and I can only hope to grow up to be the mother and wife that she is to her children and husband! Rebecca presented me with this award, Arte Y Pico, a little over two weeks ago. It has taken me that long to figure out how to make the names color up where you can click and instantly view their pages (ha)! Once receiving the award you are challenged to pass it on to 5 fellow bloggers of your choosing. When i first found out about the award i was excited, but seconds later realized i didnt even have that many blogs that i view. I didn't want to randomly pick people just for the sake of rules... I'm probably breaking the law behind this award by doing this, but you now know my reasoning for only picking the 4 following people. I have thought long and hard over these past two weeks, so here we go...

Even though not blood related, i consider Becca a sister! She is new to bloggerville - posting her first entry a week ago. When talking with her about starting a blog she mentioned that she wanted it to be a place where she could come and be herself. My heart lit up whenever i heard those words. High School is a hard place to be, but i think it's awesome that she wants to be a transparent person for her peers to see. So many decisions you make in those years will affect more than you know about your future. Hopefully you will be blessed by all that she is learning and sharing. Beck, i'm excited that you decided to start this new journey (reading the Bible through, sharing what your learning, being real). I want to encourage you to keep pushing even when you don't feel like it. You will see the Lord's goodness, you will taste it and long for more! I love you and can't wait to see what He has in store for you this year at school! He will do amazing things if you surrender your all to Him! I am interested in all that you say!

Mary is another friend of mine... one of the only girlfriends from high school that i still keep in touch with. No matter how long it's been since we've talked, we always seem to pick up right where we left off. She is entering her last year of college and has some amazing plans for her future. I love our friendship and am so glad to introduce you to her and her blog. She finds it easier to express herself through writing rather than talking; perfect for blogging! You won't regret stopping by her page. Her realizations will challenge you to think about your beliefs and opinions. I love you Mary! Wish we could spend more time together, but for right now i guess i'll have to settle for spending time with you through reading your blog! haha :) Cheers to you and your new adventure!

Cari is a women i've always looked up to. My babysitter from long ago! :) I loved spending days with her and getting to play with her children. I'm sure she knows more about me than she liked to, but i can't get enough of her. I never tire of Cari's wisdom and humor. I have been blessed to continually have her in my life and wouldn't dare take a single moment of that for granted. If you visit her page you will be sure to find many laughs, learn about her family, and hear about the things the Lord is speaking to her heart personally. She's not one to openly hand out hugs, but i'll never forget the day she came up to me at church, stretched out her arm, and wrapped it around me. Now that's LOVE! ha! Cari you do, honestly, make me feel loved! So much of the things i'm learning in my life are because of you and i want to thank you for that! Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your life and for being there when i want to talk! I love you and your family more than words could ever express!

Angie Smith from Bring The Rain is the final person i have chosen. She doesn't have a clue who i am, nor does she even know that she is getting this award. If you haven't heard about her i want to invite you to view her page. You will find yourself laughing, crying, learning, feeling loved, blessed, and even leave feeling like you know her all by reading through her story. I will save you the time and refrain from going into too many details. She will share and explain better than i could ever possibly do for you. This woman of God will leave you longing for the Lord, and challening you to refocus on your relationship with Him. I have no doubt in my mind that you will be blessed if you check out her blog. The Lord is so appearent there! So click away! Go have a look at this amazing woman of God!

Here are the rules!!! You know who you are... You now know what you have to do!


1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award, be it through creativity, design, or interesting material, and that also contributes to the blogger community, no matter the language.

2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.

3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award.

4) Award winners and the one who has given the award have to show the link of "Arte y pico" blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5) Show these rules.

I love you all! Have fun!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

I love you girls!

I had the wonderful blessing of singing with 3 amazing girl friends in a quartet from 8th - 12th grade. Truly it even lasted over graduation - we would sing every Christmas Eve at 2 churches here in town. If you were to meet each of us you would probably be surprised! We are all so different from each other... It kept everything balanced though, haha! With our four personalities all the bases were covered when planning and preparing. Between the four of us we had a softball player, ballet dancer, and a cheerleader. Our families each went to 4 seperate churches, covering 3 denominations. The friends we even chose to hang out with were from 4 completely diverse groups. And boyfriends, well we won't even go there!

We were asked to sing many places throughout our years together in school. And to be honest, we were hated in choir for it. It was like one of those love-hate relationships where everyone wants to be your friend, and if they don't feel like they are, they will just dog you all the time. Appearently they thought we were the teacher's pet; always got our way, never got in trouble, and sang at every event. They didn't realize that we put the group together ourselves, we rehearsed on our OWN time, and around our schedules (softball, cheer practice, ballet, work, school). It didn't just fall together one day - we worked towards it. The teacher never pulled us in her office teaching us parts, or telling us we need to get it together. We wanted this group to work, we enjoyed it, we put forth the effort... then after a while opportunities came up without us even searching for them.

I remember one day while sitting in the choir room on the risers our Director walked in and saw a Coke can sitting on her piano... a major NO NO. She waltzed in, gave her spill and asked for it to be removed. A girl standing within a few feet of me said, "i bet if one of the quartet girls did that she wouldn't care, they don't get in trouble for anything... they always get their way." You know she wanted me to hear her, you just know - one of those let's pretend to whipser, yet talk loud enough that she hears and gets offended. WOOOWEE! I don't usually stand up for myself, or talk back to people, but i had had enough. It was our senior year, we had been taking crap from others (particularly girls) for YEARS. We got in trouble just like everyone else, believe me i got the evil eye for chattin with MC. But we never gave less than our best when it came to rehearsing. Whether it be towards the concert choir as a whole, practicing for something the quartet was doing, rehearsing for dance shows, or whatever... We had shown her (the director) that she could count on us. I don't even remember what i said to the girl, but I WENT OFF. (probably not the Christian thing to do...) I remember the faces of those around me - bug eyed, mouths wide open, completely shocked at what i had done. I do remember stating that if she really had a problem with us singing everywhere, then why doesn't she quit griping about it and start her own quartet. No one is stopping her.

This old story reminds me of a conversation we had in the college Sunday School class one day. So many people have all these great ideas, or things they see that need to be done. What do they do? They go tell someone, "Hey we need to do this, this would be a great idea, so in so is getting left out, this is being neglected.... etc." This woman stated that if you feel that way, if Christ has laid it on your heart, why don't you stop sitting around waiting for someone else to do it... why don't you step it up and be used?

No one was stopping choir chick from beginning her own group... auditioning for solos.... whatever else... but did she ever do anything about it? Nope. She just tried to ruin our party - and that my friends, aint happenin!

calming down, and now moving on.... :)

I'm sure we never imagined the Quartet to turn into such a big deal back in 8th grade, but i'm grateful that it did. Looking back my most cherished moments were with these girls. Although vastly different from each other, we couldn't help but love each other. No matter what was going on at home, or with boyfriends we were always there for one another. We would pray before entering the stage for our performances... i don't believe we ever sang without lifting it up to the Lord first. Each voice was uniquely different, but we were always known for our amazing unison. We never practiced it or anything... from the very first time we ever sang together our unison sounded like one single voice. I don't think we will ever understand all that that held. oh, i miss singing with them.

It doesn't seem like it's been 8 years since we all became friends back in Junior High... but it has. Time has flown by.

We are now each at 4 completely different places in our lives. Last summer, K got married and is now living in Houston with her husband. M is also married and is expecting a baby boy, Matthew, October 1st. MC is pursuing a degree at UT Austin, and wants to become a Childlife Specialist. Then there is me - Graduation in May - let's just not think about all of that, okay?

We had a baby shower for M this morning at K's house. The other three of us got together with our mom's and planned the whole she-bang! We stayed afterwards to chat and catch up on our different lives. We didn't realize that it had been a year since we'd all been together in one place. And it will be 2 years this Christmas since we've sang together as a group. There was some sort of a request for song today by a lady at the shower, but we all kind of giggled and turned that one down... haha!

She looked beautiful! I'm not sure she is going to make it to October though - she looks like she is about to POP! There was talk about placing bets on the due date - everything gathered will go toward Matthew's college fun! haha! We took plenty of pictures and spent most of our time touching her belly. An updated picture is coming soon!

MC and I had our little pitty party this morning before the Shower got started. Poor us - so single, and boring! haha. It kind of hit both of us at the same time, we just turned and looked at each other with our lips puckered out. Everyone kept asking who was next (for marriage and babies)... laughs resounded the room. Usually we point fingers, but both of us knew, NAH! hehe! The answer to this question is up in the air. It will be interesting to see. Kind of stresses me out!

M, i'm so excited for you! You are growing up and maturing so much. Your outer beauty has always been appearent, and is even more so with the life that is growing inside of you... it's your inner beauty that shows who you truly are, and i love you and all that you are becoming! I can't wait for this new addition in your family and i know you're about ready for the time to be here also. I love you with all my heart and am blessed to have you in my life. I will never forget the years we spent together and the many songs that we poured our hearts over. Best of wishes to you, W, and your baby boy! *Hugs n kisses*

I hope you know that i'm not saying all of this to boast. I'm simply thinking back on the good times from high school. So many of those years i regret and wish i could do differently, but this is one thing i wouldn't go back and change. The Quartet was the only constant thing in my life back then. I could always rely on them to be there, to sing, to come together...

Now that i'm all sappy and teary eyed, i'm going to go spend time with the Lord! It's hard at times to see everyone around you moving on with life and you feel like you're stuck and still aint got a clue. You know what? Even though i don't know what i want yet.... My God knows what i NEED... and that will far surpass anything i could ever imagine and not just cover my needs, but even my WANTS! I wish i could tell you i'm calm and at peace on the inside, but NURP... i have to keep reminding myself of things about the Lord. I will make it through! If you could watch my dreams (those that happen while you are asleep - not goal dreams...) you would be able to see that i am stressing too much. APPEARENTLY i am not dealing with things or processing them the right way.... my dreams have been filled with just about every activity i've been apart of, every voice teacher i've had, every major i've switched from, many different friends, all the choices i have to make... you get the point. AHH i need to go place it at the Lord's feet, but i don't even know where to start. Wish it was as easy as it sounded... Pouting number 2 over with, and i'm off to share an Evening with my Love, Jesus Christ!

Father, i come to you now lifting up my friends... you do know exactly where we are Lord - physically, mentally, emotionally... I pray that no matter where we are in our lives we are there with You. Be with M and everything leading up to her delivery. Keep her safe, and may this bring their family even closer together and to You. Guard our lives... Guide us! Thank you for each of them, thank you for the many years we were together. Thank you for the tears shed with these girls, the laughter, the hugs, even the fights. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love You!