Deeper

I have thought a lot lately about the impact people have had on my life. I'm the type of person who copies others. Not on purpose.... it's completely unintentional. I'm not just talking about the things they do, i'm talking about everything.

Have you ever spent so much time with someone that you realize you have adopted their slang terms, their accent, their pronunciations, their mannerisms, their gestures? I get so mad at myself. It's like why can't i stinkin be myself? I guess i get so frustrated because i don't realize i'm doing it... then when i do i'm like why? Why am i doing this?

I guess it has something to do with my personality or something i picked up in my childhood. Maybe i didn't feel like me was good enough or something? Who knows.

The reason i am writing all of this is because of a place the Lord has brought me to.

There is one specific person and situation that has had such an impact on my life. Through this person the Lord brought me on my knees, face to the floor, weeping.

He has called me each week to let go of a little more. And here i find myself this week letting go of the final piece.

Well, that's what I feel so strongly He is asking me to do, but i don't know how.

I sit here crying out to God... God i can't do this. Everything i have learned about You was taught to me through him. Everything i hear or see reminds me of him. Father i don't know how to go on without thinking of him. I don't know if i can do this...

It's like my hand is so tightly secured that i don't know how to pick it off... i don't know how to loosen my grip.

I don't understand a lot of things that are going on.... but i know my God.

I know there are countless stories in the bible where He asks for obedience. He doesn't ask Noah, Abraham, Daniel, Joshua, Moses, or even us to understand all of the details, He asks for our full obedience. And to be obedient means that we must first place our faith and trust in Him.

He gives and He takes away.

The Lord used the one situation that He knew would bring me to Him, and for that i am grateful. But i don't know how to go on from here. He is calling me to be the Woman of God that He created me to be... and to do it on my own now.

I was reading through Judges a few weeks ago, and although you may think this is NOT the message He was trying to get across, it's the message i felt Him speaking to my heart personally. If you read through this book you will see the same pattern over and over. There would be a Judge over the people of Israel and everything would be great. They were serve the Lord. As soon as that Judge died the Israelites would stray off. They would forsake God. They would do evil in His sight. The Lord would hand them over to their evil desires, to the gods they were serving.... then they would get to a point where they couldn't handle it anymore. They would cry out to the Lord and He would appoint another Judge to be over the people of Israel. The cycle would continue on the same with this Judge as the last. Serve while a leader was present, then as soon as he passed away, turn away, cry out, new leader.

As i was reading this i thought about Accountability. I think it's important to have someone to help you... to encourage you... to keep you accountable.... to leave a lasting mark and impact on your life....

But the main thing that i kept thinking about was who i should be on my own.

Christ has called me to live a Holy life. A life pleasing to Him. To let everything that i do bring Glory to His name. He has sent people in my life that have impacted it, but there comes a point to where i have to be this person on my own.

I have to be the Woman of God that He has called me to be. Truly Truly be it. Not leaning on anyone else. Seeking the Lord for myself. A Woman of God who is genuine and real and doesn't change... no matter who comes in her life or who leaves.

I shouldn't get to the point to where He takes away someone and i can't make it... and i turn away to my own sinful desires or sit here freaking out about where to go next. I should know Him, rely on Him, love Him, and live for Him on my own.

So here i sit. Afraid. Not sure i can even pick up my foot to make the next step. I don't know what i'm suppose to do next. I don't even have a clue where to start....

I prayed a few weeks ago for the Lord to take me deeper. I have come a long way over the past 5 months, but i was ready for the next step. I felt like i had hit a wall - not a hard one, i was happy and stuff, but i wasn't moving. I wanted Him to take me to the next place He wanted me. I wanted Him to show me His intimacy. I wanted to be even more in love with Him.

This morning i was thinking about that prayer. I asked Him to take me deeper and here i am, literally deeper in the physical sense. Sometimes the way to go deeper with Him is to first(physically, mentally, emotionally) go down. It may not make sense to the non-believer, but as Christians i think you know what i mean. Sometimes He chooses to take things away to take us deeper with Him.

I have felt convicted about the way I have been blogging. It's like i can't be myself when i come here. I want to, but i start typing and i can't. It's like i feel i have to sound smart or what not. I will not do that anymore. I will wait to type when the Lord lays something on my heart. I will now let this be an open journal for others to read what i'm going through. It may be painful to even share some things, but i will share as much as He asks me to. And i will be ME. (i realize that some things may not make sense or even flow, because that's definetly who i am... but i only want this to be a place used for His glory... nothing less.)

He is molding ME. He is teaching me to believes things for myself and not because all of those near to me are believing them.

I love you all.

Thank you Lord for the people you have used to influence and impact my life. Help me Lord. Help me to love you with ALL my heart. Help me to be me, a me that doesn't change, no matter who is in my life. A me that is in love with You and chooses to do Your Will. I need Your help making the next step. I don't have enough strength to even pick up my foot and am not even sure which direction to go. Please draw near. I need You. Be my strength Lord. come walk with me....