Thursday, August 7, 2008

thoughts over the last few days.

I realize it's only been 3 days since i posted about breaking... but i felt like it was okay! I have been thinking a lot over the past few days - about many things, not just blogging - so i guess that's what this post is about. My thoughts on paper.. ok so not paper, on a screen.

Monday night i decided to take a trip over to Longview and stop by Books-A-Million. I've been wanting to get some commentaries, and other non-fictional Christian books. I'm turning into such a book worm, but i love it! A bookshelf is beautiful to me.... with millions of books on it... that just says SMART, S-M-A-R-T !!! I don't ever want it to simply be about looks though, i really honestly wanted to go deeper with the Lord. I figured why not feel my time reading books to help me understand His word than any other hobby i could find. (not that any other hobby is sinful, or a waste of time-this is just where i am!)

I have been struggling with a lot of issues and questions in my mind, so the whole ride over things were kind of just spinning around in there... trying to make sense, resist the lies, fight off satan. Appearently i was thinking SO much that i wasn't paying attention to my speed.

Yes, i got pulled over.

As soon as i saw him i 'tapped' (no slamming- that's too noticable) my breaks. No use, it was too late. I learned in one of my science classes in high school that you can tell wether a persons speed is increasing or decreasing by looking at the distance between you and them. Immediately i started glancing at all the cars around me. The truck infront of me was definetly getting farther away, which meant he was going faster than I. When i was passing the officer i noticed that he looked like he was moving. He whipped around, and the lights came on. I pulled over to the right lane knowing that it was me he wanted.

If you know my personality you will probably laugh at what i'm about to tell you. But it's going to be hard to explain considering some people don't know Longview and i don't know street names. I got pulled over (or the lights and him behind me) right as i was entering the 'town' - the main part of Longview where all the stores, restaurants, and mall are... It's a busy part of town and i'm just not one to pull over on the side of the road. I mean people are trying to exit here, enter here, pull out here... you get me right? So i drove a little ways turned into this little drive and found a parking spot in the walmart parking lot. I'm sure all the other drivers thought i was a complete nerd, but i'm just weird like that! I need to be out of everyone's way!

When i saw his lights i thought to myself, 'well this books a million trip is about to be cut real short. All my money will go towards this ticket.'

Thankfully he gave me a verbal warning. He was a very nice man. I've been pulled over 3 times since i started driving, and i've waited to hear those words.... a warning! Just a warning! Thank you Lord!

So from there i continued on with my plans. I spent longer than i planned in BAM searching for books and talking on the phone with a wonderful friend! I always feel like i'm in a library and i'm supposed to be quiet while i'm in there, so i hope i didn't bother all those around me.

Upon my return home, my brother was entering the house! He had been visiting a friend and we hadn't seen him in 2 weeks. For some odd reason, him and i carried the conversation up to my bedroom... we sat there talking for quite a while. (doesn't happen very often) I felt like i needed to give him my undivided attention and put everything else that i wanted/needed to do aside. So i practiced listening. Something was different about him. But a good different.

The next day something unexpected happened in his life. He walked in the door from work and i happened to be standing in the kitchen.
"how was your day?"
"not good... i need a hug."
We stood there hugging as the tears started flowing... I once again put down everything i was doing and listened. I spent probably 45 minutes of my day loving him the best way i knew possible.

Tuesday as i was babysitting i thought about how i was supposed to be working with the kids on their schooling twice a week. I had planned on it at the beginning of the summer, but never consistently did it. As we were leaving to head over to my house i grabbed the library books, some worksheets for Levi, and begin to think about what to do. When we got to the house i told Zoey to pick a library book and start reading. Levi was to write his name a few times and his numbers 1-10. "i hate this..." (words from the man himself) I sat on the floor with them as they each did there work and got this idea to play some games to help Levi with his numbers.

I do not consider myself to be creative at all, but placed my confidence in the Lord and went on with it. I cut up 10 slips of paper and numbered them 1-10. I hid them around the room for Levi and Zoey to find. (you have to get her to do it with him or he'll feel stupid... plus she loved it anyways) When he found all 10 sheets he was to bring them to me and read the numbers as he was handing them back.

They loved playing games, so i quickly tried to think of something else to do. (Fun and Learning)

Next we layed them on the stairs in random order. You had to run up the stairs as fast as you could and read the numbers as you were passing by them! Zoey loved this one, but i think it was too hard for Levi. So we moved on to something else.

I made more slips of paper but this time put dots instead of numbers. Then we mixed them all (the numbered slips and the dotted slips) up, turned them upside down, and played the matching game! I figured this would help him recognize the number and count the dots. He would literally have to MATCH them together.

I decided since we had been doing more schooling type things than usual we'd take a trip to Mcdonalds! They were so ready to come back home and play more games. (they weren't use to me spending so much interactive time with them... shame on me)

I've been trying really hard to love Levi. To play dirtbikes, hide and seek, sweaty things with him. To show him that he is important too. I didn't realize that was his problem. He felt completely shafted. Now that i have been balancing out my time and giving them both equal amounts of me, he is being more obedient. I have learned to speak calmly and gently when getting on to him. I wait for the eye contact, speak sweetly, and then tell him what his punishment is. He's had to sit in time out each day since i switched from yelling to normal voice. Who knew it'd make a difference. My yelling was doing nothing to him, except for making him act out more (which gave me no control - he never sat in time out or anything because i couldn't get ahold of him). It's hard to discipline when it's not your kids. I had been struggling with it all summer. Finally now that summer is narrowing down i'm noticing the importance of patience and gentleness. Yelling will teach them to do the exact same! So i have switched now...

I began to think about why i was getting on to him - is this really something to get in trouble for, am i just getting on to him because i'm annoyed, am i doing this because i've seen other moms do it or do i believe it's worthy of punishment, things like that. I'm starting to be my own person. To dwell on things for myself. To try and if i fail then switch to something else. I had been so use to copying what i'd seen other moms or sitters do... and i didn't feel okay about it anymore. Things have been different for us. Days flow smoother, i feel better about myself, i feel like i'm loving them, they seem to be changing, listening, loving each other.... i'm sure we'll hit a wall some day soon, but i just wish i'd started this sooner. I wish my eyes would have been opened early on in the summer.... His timing is perfect! I will give my all these last 2 weeks, and continue to listen to His guiding voice.

Zoey had a doctors appointment at 3 so i was getting off 2 hours early. Right as we were leaving to take them home, i heard something. I felt like i needed to keep Levi. Instead of dropping him off, i felt like i was supposed to spend some one on one time with him. I sat there thinking, MAN i wanted a nap.... i'm so ready to get off. But i couldn't ignore. I dropped Zoey off and then it was Levi - Meg time! Thank you Lord for allowing me to hear You... thank you for teaching me to love!

Homeschooling has really been on my mind lately. Even had a conversation with my brother about it. I've always kind of been against it - not because i feel it's wrong, but because i just wasn't sure if i was up for it. I was always worried that they wouldn't be around peer pressure, they would be too sheltered, then when they got out in the real world they would go crazy because they'd never experienced it.... like they wouldn't know how to handle it or something. That was my major fear or worry. But i also had many thoughts towards it that were positive. One negative to countless positives. But that negative was huge to me.

Here is the average day for a public schooler and their family. Wake up, eat breakfast, get ready, go to school, come home to a sitter, do homework, parents get home around 5, cook supper, do more homework, take baths, then off to bed. Where does family time come in? Saturday? Because i'm thinking there needs to be more.

Now the homeschooling family. Wake up, eat breakfast, dad goes to work, school during the day (and usually done before public schooling time), dad comes home, eat supper, FAMILY TIME, bed time.

I think family is SO important. It's really really been on my mind lately. I had talked about homeschooling, but never saw myself donig it. I've had people (even those very close to me) tell me that now days both parents have to work. I've always rolled my eyes at that statement. I want my family to be close. I want to LOVE my children. I want them to LOVE me. I want them to feel like they can come to me and tell me anything. I want them to want to spend time with me and the rest of their family. I think it is so key to build that HOMEY - ness. The relationship, the bond, the love, the everything else. It just makes MORE sense to me to home school and i can't believe i'm even saying this... haha. I'm not saying that i won't work or that moms who work are bad. I think God has different plans for everyone. These are just my thoughts as of lately. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know if i'll end up working or if i'll home school. I just think there has to be some sort of a balance. There needs to be FAMILY.

I don't want to work SO much that i come home and i'm too tired to spend moments with my kids. I don't want to work and be so bogged down that i bring it home. It needs to STAY there when you leave the door at work... you enter your house and now it's time to focus on your FAMILY.

I believe there is a BALANCE when it comes to everything in life. And i'm learning it right now. So many things in my life need to be worked on and balanced.

Father i come to you now praying for my family. The current family right now and my family in the future. You know each of them, even the ones who havent been conceived yet. Prepare my to be the woman you want me to be. The Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mom, Friend. Teach me to balance. Teach me Your ways. Give me a heart that recognizes You and Your truth! I lift Brandon and his situation up to you. Pursue his heart Lord. Wrap your arms around him and show him Your unshakable truth and peace. Help us to be obedient to You. I love you! Take my heart... i want to be real before you... so please! Thank you for this day - may i give my all to You!

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