Saturday, May 31, 2008
The second time we pull up in the driveway (for good) my sister says, "you know what i feel like doing tonight that i havent done in years? .... jumping on the trampoline!" well - go for it chica, but that's not really what i had in mind.. haha for me tonight was just the perfect weather to swim. You don't swim much at night, but every now and then the weather is just perfect and the sound of the frogs and crickets just make it so peaceful. Except for there is one problem here - the pool is still covered... crazy enough, mom was thinking the same thing about the weather and wanting to swim... but that will have to hold off until next Saturday! The pool guys are coming this week!! YAY!
So we went back a few years, and had a little sister time on the trampoline. Jumping, laughing, telling stories of our childhood, and enjoying the nice weather. I love moments and days like these.
Be with our hearts Father... change our sinful ways and desires... help us to embrace the beautiful moments and the things that are truly important, like family... i love You!
Anyways, here are some things that i am learning... (well some of them, i've known, but i just never acted i guess. You can know something, and believe something, yet never truly live it...)
- i am strong, and can do things on my own (with Christ of course)... i dont need to be dependent on someone ( i like being weak, then someone cares for me - but there is a time and place for that - Marriage. )
- families are a blessing (whether we see it as that or not) and we need each other - to love, to care, to cry, to vent, to build up... Our families should come before our friends.
- trust - i dont even know how to explain this one, but here's my try... The Lord says that He will never take away anything that we hold dear, if He doesn't have something better in store... so what do you do when you feel like that's happened, yet can't imagine anything better... continually fall in love with the Lord, and learn to trust Him more than you EVER have before. And that's definetly where i am...
- Giving my all in every situation and circumstance i find myself in... no matter the fatigue i may feel.
- Serving others - when you finally get your heart in the right place, this can bring you so much joy! And daily i am learning this....
- selflessness.... to put aside my desires and my time, and let others in and care for them. It's definetly not always easy...
- and although this isn't the last one i'm sure, it's going to be for right now - the Lord can take my stinkin heart, the one that seems so stuck, confused, cold-hard, whatever... and He can soften it like NONE other, and bring tears to my eyes in ways that nothing else can... I love Him, I need Him - and He isn't done with me yet.
I'm sure these are probably things that everyone knows, and you're probably like omg Megan, get it together.... But never the less here i am. The many many teenage years, relationships, and activities that i have been through have done nothing but bring confusion to my life.... But the Lord can use that. And i will not use that as an excuse for being who i am. I am learning and through that i am growing - and even though i can't see the big picture, God is on my side and He will bring me through in His timing and for His purposes.
I love You Father... and only You know the depths of my past and all that i have been through. I pray that you will take that Father, and show me the truth... help me to deal with everything that i need to Father so that i can become like You... so that i can be used by You. i see these amazing wives/moms and it makes my heart so happy, yet something makes me believe i will never become that. Father open my eyes, awaken the passion in my heart, and stir up the desires.... mold my heart and me into what you created me to be. You are my Creator and only You know the plans for my future. I need you Father and i want to desire Your plan over anything else i could ever work up.... I want You Father... Be my eyes, open them to see You for all that You are - and let my heart be overwhelmed with gratitude... I want to fall in love with You and who You are, and through that fall in love with the man that You have for me... Show me Father, guide me.... Thank You.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Lord i pray this to you tonight...
Change my heart, o God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, o God. May i be like You. For You are the potter, and I am the clay. Mold me and make me, this is what I pray. Change my heart, O God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, o God. May i be like You.
well anyways, i'm super tired... physically, mentally, emotionally.... EVERY WAY! so i'm off to read and pray.
Have a fantastic weekend!
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or i will sleep in death... But i trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13:1-3;5-6
Father i come to you now, thanking you for life... and thanking you for weekends, which give us time to relax. Be with James as he spends time with Josh and Kathy. Fill us with your truth Father and show us where to go. Thank you for his friendship, it means the world to me. Please guide us! we need you... Be with Cari and the girls as they travel home, and be with my family as they travel here in a few days.... i love you Father, and need you and your healing power. Thank you for life!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I got to thinking tonight how much i have enjoyed being in choir. Not even just the singing part, but being with everyone involved. It's as though everyone goes about their day, whatever issues they have at work, home, school, whatever the case may be... they leave that at the door, they come in, join in the conversations with everyone around them, laugh or hug, and then we get to relax and lift our voices up to the Lord together. I always look forward to Wednesday nights.... I am reminded so often of the pain in peoples lives that we dont see... we dont have a clue what people are going through, yet we can come together not even realizing it and lift each other up.. just by being together. I have truly benefited from being apart of the choir, and i can't wait until August when it starts again.
Thank you Father for wednesday nights, and being able to be with the choir... i have enjoyed the fellowship and just simply being around these people... continue to draw me near to you and make me into the Woman that you want me to be... Transform me on the inside, renew my mind... i want to be in awe of You, at a loss for words... i love You.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
(* thanks to Rebecca for teaching me how to post a video!!! )
Monday, May 26, 2008
Mom and dad were busy on their day off repainting the back deck... it's been a few years since it's been painted, so the sun had faded it a little bit. Tomorrow everyone is back to work, school, and their usual schedules.
Zoey and Levi's last day of school is Friday, so Monday my summer babysitting job will 'technically' start.... very very very stressed about this.
i have been feeling like i'm growing so much, trying to find myself in Christ and let go of a lot of things... this weekend kind of pulled me down some. i dont know why, but i just feel like i'm back at where i started... totally confused on a lot of levels. Maybe it's the time of month.... who knows?
Anyways - i just don't really have anything encouraging or wise to say tonight... so i'm off to talk with my Father in Heaven... i need Him now!
I love You, Father... and i need you in my life... to give clarity on a lot of issues... to mold me into the woman that you want me to be... I need victory on so many levels in my life God... and You are the only One who can do that... Please draw near to me Father... i'm desperate for You... Carry us tomorrow through our day... may we give our all in every situation we come across and put others before ourselves... open our eyes to see You and the opportunities You give us tomorrow.... Thank You for another day on Your Earth!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
The siblings...notice the height deal .... i've learned to accept it..
hahahahha... having a fun moment.
Thank you Father for family... help us to all realize how truly precious time is... don't let us take it for granted, but cherish every moment spent together.... soften our hearts God! I love You...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I was very tired this morning and couldn't make myself get up to take a shower... so i slept an hour later, pulled my hair through a cap and went to class disgusting. haha With the 2 hours i have between class and picking up Zoey i plan to eat, shower, paint my toenails, and possibly read if i have time left over. The other day Zo randomly said that she doesnt like red on peoples toenails - i was like why? and she just said, i dont know i just don't like the way it looks.... Note to self: never wear red toe nail polish around this kid! kids can be pretty blunt - atleast you can trust them to be honest with you, when it comes to your looks. haha so today i will be painting my toe nails a pretty pink!
Tonight is Casie's very last choir concert in High School... it's technically called the Choir Banquet and Senior Concert. It's so crazy to me that she is a senior. I can't believe it! I can remember being a senior in high school the same year my sister was a freshman... she was moving up to a new school and we would be together for one year. Now three years later she is about to graduate and go to college... ahh it doesnt seem real! I dont think it's hit me yet that she won't be living at home next year. She got used to me not being here when i moved off to college, then i moved back and we were together again... now she is leaving and i am staying. It's probably going to get lonely up here on this side of the hallway.... although, the bathroom floor should stay clear of piles of clothing. : ) love you casie!
Well i guess i should get going so i can get everything done before 3.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
This alabaster jar is all i have of worth
I break it at Your feet Lord, it's less than You deserve
You're far more beautiful, more precious than the oil
The sum of my desires and the fulness of my joy
Like You spilled Your blood,
I spill my heart as an offering to my King
Here i am, take me as an offering
Here i am giving every heartbeat for Your glory
This time that i have left is all i have of worth
I lay it at Your feet Lord, it's less than You deserve
Though iv'e little strength, though my days are few
You gave Your life for me so i will live my life for You
Worthy, worthy, You are Worthy.
Worthy is the Lord.
When reading this verse it not only makes me think about Christ coming and being united with Him forever, but it makes me think about my future... my time left here on earth. The desires that He has planted in my heart, yet are not presently being fulfilled. Such as getting married and being a mom. I dont know why, but lately i have this crazy desire to be a mom... every little commercial, song, blog, picture, whatever -makes me get teary eyed and sometimes even ball haha. I dont know the future, i dont know what's going to even happen 2 months from now, but i am so desperately seeking Him. I want Him to be my Life, i want to surrender all that i have, and give my life as an offering to Him. I want to seek Him whenever i faced with any decision that i come across... and as i desperately seek Him the desires continue to burn inside of me and grow... yet patience is the key. I can't let myself settle for anything less... i have to continue to hope and trust in Him, and one day He is going to fulfill whatever His plans are for me, and the time i spent waiting and knowing Him will be all worth it.
It's so crazy, how my struggles have changed... i no longer get afraid. It's like through my fears and failures, i am constantly on my face before the Lord... and my tears, even though they may flow abundantly at times, behind the crying is this heart that is truly full of joy... i have never felt more close to the Lord, but it's different... it's like this NEARNESS that i can't explain... i dont ever want it to end.
I can see myself changing and at times it's very scary. I feel like this confidence has come out of no where, i mean i've been praying for it, but i dont know it's weird. I was sitting in class and noticed how i felt different. I was like o my goodness... i really am growing. But i never want it to become pride.... i want to have confidence in who God created me to be, and to live that out FULLY... not letting anyone tear me down or steal my joy, but know that this is who I am in the Lord, and i desire to be this person.
k well that's enough for now.
Father i dont even know if this blog will make sense to anyone, but you know my heart and my thoughts... even the ones that i cant even form into sentences... Thank you Father for Life... thank you for everything that you are doing in my life... continue to move Father, continue to change who i am, into who You created me to be. Help me to fall in love with you and seek You above anyone or anything else. I want you Father, i want to desire you more than anything in this world... Help me to truly surrender and give my life to You and allow you to take over. i love you God!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I'm so glad that it is finally starting to warm up and stay warm! i love the summer! Although my fan in my bedroom has been messed up for a few months now (which means the nights can get pretty hot).... Dad is currently in there putting up my new fan - it comes with a remote control... yes folks, i don't even have to get out of bed to control that rig! There are many buttons here on this fancy remote - high medium or low settings for the fan, and the option of dimming the lights(not that this part should EVER be used, o but just incase you need it.. it's there)! laziness should increase...
The Bachelorette started last night... this show CRACKS ME UP!!! watching people so desperately try to win attention and prove that they are the one to choose for marraige... people will do anything on this show - it's sad. Just be your stinkin self!!!
Anyways, i guess i am off to make my study guide for my test tomorrow... dad just walked in and said i should go check out my room... so go i must! Have a great day!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Here, before your altar i am letting go of all i've held.
Of every motive, every burden, everything that's of myself.
and i just want to wait on you my God,
I just want to dwell on who you are.
Beautiful, Beautiful... o i am lost for more to say.
Beautiful, Beautiful... o Lord, you're beautiful to me.
Here, in your presence i am not afraid of brokeness.
to wash your feet with humble tears,
o i would be poured out, til' nothing's left.
and i just want to wait on you my God,
I just want to dwell on who You are.
Who you are...
Beautiful, Beautiful... o i am lost for more to say.
Beautiful, Beautiful.... o Lord, you're beautiful to me.
o Lord.. you're beautiful....
Holy, Holy, Holy you are, you are!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
well i'm off to read and rest a while until church at 6. Have a great night!
Thank you Father for friends.... for fellowship... for good clean laughter... and fun! I love you!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
so i can't find anything good to say in my blog tonight. ever have days like those? you want to share what's on your heart, share some awesome verse or passage you read, but yet you can't find the words... or your effort of blogging just doesn't do it justice... that's where i am tonight. O WELL! i am off to read before i go to sleep!
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
Lord i come to you now, thanking you for this day! I thank you that no matter how many mistakes i make, no matter how far i run away from you, you are always willing and ready to accept me right back into your arms. Thank you for loving me! Thank you that what i want or think is right, doesn't always work out.... your plans are so much more beautiful! Thank you for growth, and for the nearness of YOU! Fill me with your Holy Spirit Lord... carry me through my days and be my wisdom as i make decisions. I need you Father! Make me into the woman that you want me to be... no matter how much satan tries to fill me with lies... Show me your Power! I love you Father!! Change my heart's desires! Thank you Father!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. I will praise you with an upright heart as i learn your righteous laws.
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Praise be to you, O LORD; teach me your decrees.
Open my eyes that i may see wonderful things in your law. I am a stranger on earth; do not hide your commands from me.
Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then i will meditate on your wonders. My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. Keep me from deceitful ways... I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.
Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.
I have sought your face with all my heart... The earth is filled with your love, O LORD; teach me your decrees.
Teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I believe in your commands. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.
Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands.
Save me, for I am yours....
Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long. your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever with me. I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on your statutes. I have more understanding than the elders, for I obey your precepts. I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word. I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me. How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. Accept, O LORD, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws. My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.
You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.
I am your servant; give me discernment that I may understand your statutes. Because I love your commands... I hate every wrong path.
The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple. Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name. Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees. Streams of tears flow from my eyes....
Your statues are forever right; give me understanding that I may live.
May my cry come before you, O LORD; give me understanding according to your word. may my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word, for all your commands are righteous. May your hand be ready to help me, for i have chosen your precepts. Let me live that i may praise you...
Lord, help me to hide Your words in my heart... don't hide Your truth from me... Your plan for my life... i need You so bad... Your guidance... Your peace to know that i'm heading in the right direction... o Father teach me your ways... Fill me with Your desires for my life... I long for You... to hear Your sweet voice!
Let our hearts cry out to the Lord....
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I went to Lifeway tonight and got the last 2 books in Francine's a lineage of grace series.... i'm super super super excited! This next book is on Bathsheba - so far with each book i pick up, they get more interesting.... i think i like one, then i read the next and i'm like ooo this one is better! Hopefully i won't get my hopes up and be disappointed....
I went with some friends to Longview Tuesday night and we decided to get our hair cut at JCPenney's.... let's just say mine didn't go over so well! But for some reason when i was there it didn't matter to me.... i was more aware of the fact that i felt like God had assigned me to this certain stylist for a reason... you always hear, everyone you come across was put in your life for a reason... that was on my mind as she was fixing my hair.... so the fact that my hair was jacked up didnt matter to me.... i know - seems odd!!!
As she was shampooing my hair we got to talking about college and how i was graduating next May.... she smiled and said, o i know you must be so excited and ready for that day.... i said actually i'm pretty nervous, because i dont really have a clue what i want to do yet, or where i will go from there.... she seemed confused and was like well what is your degree - so i explained that i am just a general studies major which is basically for people who don't have a clue what they want to do, but want a degree anyways.... then i made the comment, "but i know that it's all going to work out..." She said something back and i could tell she didn't understand... i wanted to say, i know my God is soveriegn and He is in control and so in that sense, i know that everything will work out when the time comes.... But something about her having scissors and being in control of my hair made me afraid... no haha just kidding!!! but something inside of me was afraid of rejection... i didn't know how she would react to me talking about God... This is when i felt like God had brought me to her for a reason.... it's not about my hair cut, it's not about anything else except the fact that here i am right now, with her, and she is wanting to talk to someone SO bad.... she talked my ear off more than anyone i have EVER met at a hair salon. My heart broke for her.... i sensed that she needed love and acceptance from someone, and she was searching for it everywhere. My heart broke, but at the same time i felt SO thrilled to be used by God.... i made sure that i showed her that i cared and was interested in what she was saying, and i thanked God for the opportunity to just be used, even in the tiniest way.... i want my life to be FULL of those moments!!! O how fun and thrilling they are.....
Later in our conversation she said the sentence, "but i thank God He has given her that opportunity." I was like okay God, she acknowledges you... i dont have to be afraid anymore. one of my friends walked up and started talking with us... she said she had been reading my bible while she was waiting on me to get done.... the hair stylist just sighed and was like "OOOOOO i like what i'm hearing, o you dont hear that very much..." then she started talking about how everyone living under her roof had to go to church growing up.... although i felt like she was just saying it to show me that she believed in God, or was a good person.... something just didn't sit well.... I felt so bad for this woman... I kept talking though, smiling, laughing with her, just showing her that i enjoyed her company... i thanked her SO much for doing my hair, twice... and then we left and went on our way.... who knows why God brought her across my path... but it has made me think about how i need to be more confident, NO MATTER the situation i find myself in, NO MATTER how scary the person seems, or the rejection may look.... I need to speak of the One and Only God, the Savior, the Comforter.... so many people are out there looking for attention, searching for something to fill that void - next time hopefully i will step up to the plate and not be afraid to speak on what i believe... it doesnt mean i have to sound spiritually smart, have all the right words, or be over powering... just love the person.. come down to their level and show them true genuine LOVE!!! God will do the rest....
needless to say... i went to another hair salon today, and my hair is fixed now... although it is totally shorter than i wanted... this is probably the shortest i have EVER had my hair... since birth at least.... O WELL!! it was worth it!
Have a Blessed Day!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Maybe you'll find this just as hilarious as i did... when we finished our tests Brandon shared with me one of his answers to a certain question.... the question was - "What is convenantal nomism, and participationist eschatalogy? Define these. Who originated these terms? How do they relate to Galatians?"
here was Brandons attempt to answer every question as best he could.... "i think eschatology means, the study of end times... and Galatians talks alot about Christ coming back." Now the reason this is SO funny, is because the ONLY reason he knew what eschatology meant, was because i had defined it for him the night before. AND to write on his paper, as if talking to his teacher, " i think eschatology means...." O poor thing, he thought he was being so smart! : ) we laughed today while flipping through the pages of our exam - underneath this question and brandons beautiful attempt was a big NO. with a period after it.... haha. Brandon smiles and says, "i love making teachers laugh - can't you see him grading this?" o yes brandon, yes i can!!
off to bed i go...
Father thank you for rest... thank you for families and the laughter we share together! Help me to be more confident and try harder to have friendships.... help me to stop being comfortable at where i am, and get out there and be used by you... i need you Father... every day, every second of my life.... i love you!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Gotta love our siblings!!!! We have laughed many times tonight, reliving the conversation.... needless to say, J-Dub came through for us and helped us figure out some more answers! Number 13 still remains unanswered (we have about 1/2 of it, only because of james) .... all will be okay though!
A year ago i was very convicted that i don't read my bible as much as i should.... i have never read God's Word fully through, so i started last year, reading through the books of the bible. I am now so excited at how much joy it brings me to read God's Word... Any extra time i get, i pick up my bible, and read!!! Which is good, because life will probably only get busier from here on out.... especially after graduation, getting a job, eventually starting a family.... you know?! I have now begun Revelation and once i finish that i will be done with the whole New Testament!!! I am so very excited!!! I want to know my Father, to connect with Him... to allow His truth and His truth alone to change my life....
Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." Revelation 4:8;11
Sunday, May 11, 2008
anyways - Cari spoke about Love today.... one of the questions she opened with was, "how do you know when you love someone?"
...long pause ......
ha. no seriously.
She was very excited and full because of what she felt like the Lord had shown her through scripture... i love that. She shared her discoveries with much excitement, but I'm going to skip all the way to the end of the lesson and share the verse that she closed with...
1 John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
immediately, given the circumstances and situations i'm going through... someone popped in my mind. not that they werent already there... but this person lives this verse out everyday! To me this person loved me more than anyone in this world ever has ( and in the back of my mind am afraid to say that i'm scared any one ever will ) and they never had to utter those three words that every one longs to hear.... It was the way they chose to live their life, the way they selflessly put their desires/wants/needs on the back burner and served others. Not just me, but EVERYONE that they came across... The fact that i could feel the love from this person without them ever speaking it verbally to me... i dont even know what to say... i can't even finish that sentence, but that's love! And that's exactly what this verse is saying....
i remember one time talking about how love is a process... you have to choose to love, learn to love.... love isn't just a feeling. I think so many people when asked the question above about "knowing" when you love someone, base it on how they feel.... but i've learned that i dont love my Father in Heaven because i wake up FEELING it for Him everyday.... somedays i have to choose to sacrifice others things. somedays i don't feel like doing the right thing, or maybe even reading my bible... but i do it because i want to know my Father, i want to Love Him... no matter how i might feel in the moment. You can tell when someone is truly passionate about something, because they will lay everything aside for it - no matter what.
Lord teach us to love.... what it truly means to love... how you intended it to be... o my heart longs for that.... we beg for your wisdom and truth.... Fill us with your Spirit! Thank you Father!
I don't even remember when i started reading it, but i took her up on what she said and read the book.... since then i think i've read 5 of her books!!! i love them! It hasn't even been a year, and i've read so many of her books.... At the end of her books, she has some scripture to go along with her story, and questions to get you thinking... If you have free time and enjoy reading, you should look for her books! And may the Lord bless you and speak through them.... He is big enough you know!
I say all of this because i just finished the second book to her most recent series.... I started it Thursday night, and it's Saturday night and i'm ALREADY done!!! haha... shows you how lazy my life is.... but seriously... the book was on forgiveness - Never Looking Back. Which is funny because i have been dealing with so much guilt and confusion the past week. I broke down tonight in my bedroom.... i went in there, closed the door, got on my knees to pray... i desperately asked the Lord to meet with me... to show me something... whatever i have to do to know Him more, to get over this guilt and put it behind me.... i prayed for Him to meet with me.... then i hear my name - no it wasnt Him... haha it was my mom!!!! But i believe it was Him answering my prayer. I havent struggled lately with opening up to my mom and connecting... i will try to explain what i'm feeling and going through but she never understands.... which is NOT her fault. So i kind of closed off.... But tonight the night before Mothers Day - at my breaking point, asking the Lord to meet me... He sends my mom into the bedroom as i'm on my knees.... she comes in and asks what's wrong... so through my tears and hard breathing (haha) i share with her my heart.... what i feel like is the problem, opening up completely to the guilt and things that are inside of me.... we talked for probably less than 10 minutes... but i thank the Lord for what happened tonight!
She reminded me that God has forgiven me for my past... He has sent people into my life, for His purposes and His timing... and He has chosen to take some of those people away... despite my mistakes... it's not my fault... God has a plan and i need to accept that... to let go of my mistakes and the things i may have done to hurt the other person.... I will never be able to know the Lord and become who He wants me to become if i let my guilt take over.... I have to forgive myself....
It always amazes me how God brings everything together.... my past, my mistakes, my wanting to get close to my mom again, my tears crying out to Him, this random book on forgiveness.... AHH it amazes me!!! anyways this book basically reiterated exactly what my mom said to me, and i love that!
1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
Father thank you for who you are... o i love it when you amaze me! Forgive me for being so little minded.... keep taking ahold of my life and filling me with your truth.... i want so bad to become who you want me to become... may i never strive or settle for anything less.... o Father please.... Thank you for Mothers - especially mine.... even though we don't always see eye to eye and would do so many things different, you wanted her to be my mom for a reason... open my eyes to see all of that....Thank you for life! I need you! I love you!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
So here i am making a To Do List, which includes things that should have been fulfilled days, weeks, months, some even YEARS ago....
- clean out my car
- sale my books back to ETBU
- clean out the drawers in my bathroom
- scrubbin' bubbles so many counter tops and a dirty tub
- go through my horrible bedroom which currently has no visible floor
- wash clothes
3 weeks ago i got in some kind of crazy mindset and went through the cabinet in me and casie's bathroom... o my goodness - i found things in there from elementary and middle school... that tells you how much junk was just crammed in there... So these drawers in our bathroom that i will be going through tomorrow have not been OPENED or USED in years... it should be VERY interesting to see what i come across.
Father as we approach this weekend, and spend time with our Mothers, flood us with your truth and with memories... Fill our hearts with gratitude and love, help us to give back all that we should to them.... even to the mothers who may not have always been there or loved like they should... help us to step up and love no matter what. Fill our lives with You Father! Light the fire, awaken the passion inside of us to do the right thing. i love you.
I am so aware of this right now in my life.... people make choices, some that are LONG term, and they think they have it all planned out, then God steps in and that choice is no longer an option.... Things are worked out and arranged to where it's not even possible for you to do what you THOUGHT was destined to be... The particular thing i am speaking of, has to do with a very close family member... i can't go into details right now, but o believe me... i will whenever it has all panned out. I can see what i believe to be the Hand of God taking control in this persons life.... Lord amaze us all!
We talked today about what it means to be a "christian"... Paul adresses the arguement about obeying the law... he says it was never the law the saved anyone, it is by grace that we are saved, for it is was possible to be saved through the law, then Christ died for nothing.... Before the crucifixion they observed the law, but now after the ressurection many people are coming to know Christ.... Gentiles included. They are not bound by the law to be saved... they are saved because of Jesus Christ... Paul wasnt arguing that they can go on about their lives doing wild things, he was saying that it is about a Relationship.... Now that Christ has died for us, we are not bound by the law.... we are "in christ", we have a relationship with Him...
He compared it to marriage... he used an example of a couple who was engaged - the man had a problem with his fiance because she had many male friends. She would go hang out with them, go to a movie, all sorts of things, but it was never anything deeper than a friendship... Yet the problem was, she didn't want that to change after they got married. She wanted to be able to go out whenever she wanted, to a movie, to a party, to dance, with these boy friends... even if the husband was not around... It was as if this MARRIAGE - this big important transition in her life meant nothing to her.... no she is not bound by all these laws and rules because she is married... but she is now in a relationship with her husband on a deeper level, and something inside of her should have changed to the point to where she doesn't care about the laws... she just doesn't want to do anything that will hinder her relationship with her husband. O it made what Paul was saying so much more meaningful... Since Christ died for us, it's not about obeying laws anymore... it's about His spirit coming to dwell in us, and causing us to want NOTHING in our lives to hinder our relationship with Him.
We all know this, but today it just seemed to hit home.... what seems impossible in my tiny little brain is so possible with my Savior. When His spirit comes to live in us, we are capable of becoming people we never imagined.... i think Satan is trying to convince me that i can never be who God wants me to be... it's like some little voice is in there saying, "God hasn't given you that desire, dont you realize it... you will never be that person, you will never have that marriage..."
May God amaze me with His power... may He once again shut Satan up... haha! and may i forever give Him the glory for what He has done and will do in my life...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I'm sure we've all thought about this at some point, why do i believe what i believe? i hate that question... it causes my heart to just FEAR so bad. haha. but nevertheless, i've enjoyed the class. And all that he has said so far, makes complete sense to me....
I am very open about things i'm struggling with, and sometimes this comes back to bite me in the toosh.... but i am going to be honest and admit that i am struggling so bad right now... so i ask for your prayers (if you don't mind).. without going into detail and trying to explain myself, i'm just going to leave it at that, "i need your prayers."
i was in a Beth Moore bible study this past semester at my church and i had to miss a few nights so i'm just getting around to watching some of the dvds... don't ask me why, but i just remembered i had it today...
perhaps i will save that for a later blog.... i will dwell on what Beth said to see what the Lord speaks to my soul.....
Hope you all have a great week! it's halfway over!!!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
We are going out to eat tomorrow night for my birthday - just the family! The one thing i want for my birthday isn't anything you could physically buy for me.... I sit here tonight, trusting in the Lord, knowing that things are going to be alright one day, but my heart is still very sad. I have never been more proud of myself, being able to see my growth, and noticing how i handle situations differently than i would have in the past...
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. Psalm 84:5
Father i come to you now, trusting in you, but needing your comfort so bad... I continually have to place my life in Your hands each day, with everything i am faced with... Father please open my eyes to see you... Guide me, direct me - i don't want to miss you. i need you Father!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
when i opened my beth moore book this morning, i was amazed at the verse of the day....
If we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. 1 John 1:7
This God of ours, He's a goofy fella isn't He.... haha. He never ceases to amaze me!!!
I was excited that the weekend was here, Saturday mornings mean SLEEPING IN. although, i'm so use to getting up every morning that my routine interupted my sleeping in. I woke up, spent some time with the Lord and went for a jog.... i have now ran some errands for my mom, made some lunch and am waiting until 5 o' clock to get here. Tonight i am babysitting for the Halls - i find myself again with another opportunity to work with children.... wondering what the Lord is trying to show me, what desires He is planting in my heart.
I have read Proverbs 31, The Wife of Noble Character, many times this week.... my heart longs to be that some day! But being that Woman doesn't start the day that i meet my husband, get married and have a family.... Becoming that woman of God is an everyday journey... for me it is truly taking place right now.... Everyday i wake up i find myself desiring to know the Lord, to genuinely give my heart and soul to Him in everything that i do.... I have had to come to terms with myself and realize that i may not get married until i'm 25 or later.... it's not neccesarily what I want, but i dont want what i want - i want to completely fall in LOVE with God and the way He intended for things to be.... He does know what i need, and His timing is PERFECT - so if that means waiting patiently and trusting in Him for how ever long He has planned, then i want to do that.... faithfully, genuinely, wholeheartedly...... But as i journey and wait - i am becoming this Woman -
I dont want to be decieved or fooled by physical appearences, attractive winning ways, or charming words... i want something in me to be so attracted and desiring of this person in a way that i can't explain... then realize that it's the mans character - who he is in God that is drawing me to him in a way that i have never felt before. I want God's desires to envelop me, take me over, amaze me....
Here are a few verses that i like from this passage....
A Wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life... she works with eager hands... She gets up while it is still dark; she provides for her family... she works vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks... and her lamp does not go out at night. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.... Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
i love you Father!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
So off we went to the park! I've really struggled with him, trying to be consistent in what i say... not letting him walk all over me. This isnt just something i struggle with with children, it's through out my life... i lay low and just kind of let things flow... i dont want to cause a ruckos... so if that means just letting people be happy, i'm all for it! SO NOT GOOD! haha I am worried about keeping him everyday this summer... instead of just having him a few fridays out of a semester, i will have him everyday, from 7:45 - 5 ish... I have to learn to be the boss... to say a command or rule and stick with it. I have to show him that he is not in control. this is tough for me.... dont ask me why, who knows. BUT i used the park experience to test it out.
I told him when we were getting out of the car, that we MUST leave whenever i said it was time to go.... of course he says "okay!" and off he goes to play. clearly not satisfied with the playground, he insisted on going over to the creek to play in the water and climb.... should have known. I finally told him alright we'll go over to look at the creek. We get over there and i told him he had to stay up on the grass, do not get in the water... he argued for a while, but i stood my ground. he gave up for a few minutes, then came back at me with, "my papaw let me." So i calmly said, "well Levi this is our first day at the park with me, i am not your mom, dad, or papaw.... so we are going to stay on the grass, and if you decide to go down any farther, we will go home." That was all it took! He didnt seem satisfied anymore with the creek, so i tried to make the play ground seem exciting! "Levi let's go play on the play ground." he replies, "i want to, but i want you to play with me." So of we went... we swang for a while and did a few other things... then it was time to go. I told him it was time to go and he was not happy. So i said, you may each quickly pick one more thing to do, then it's time to go. so he picked the play set that had about 20 things to choose from... do i look 4? i'm not stupid! So i followed him as he kept doing more and more things, calling his name. I said Levi Stovall, it is time to go... turn around and come down the slide the right way.... he finally listened and we went home.
We get home and he runs in and gets milk... i offered to help him, but he insisted on pouring it himself. So i acted very surprised and amazed that he could do it himself. he was very proud to show me how grown he was in pouring his own milk. then i hear "okay, you put it up."
I quickly fixed that one... politely i might add. he tried to win and make me do it, but i left it on the counter. I told him, he could put up his own milk, and i would gladly hold the refridgerator door for him. He gave in! It's going to be an interesting summer! But i'm looking for the Lord. This is where He has me... no time to sit and mope... so here i am, to learn more about parenting kids.
I caught my heart breaking as we were at the park... so many parents and kids there, each one interacting very differently. Some mothers were totally neglecting their kids, as i freak out watching them wander off. There was one lady there who had an older mentally challenged girl with her... it broke my heart the way she spoke to her. She was very rude! But you know what amazed me.... the mentally challenged girl always had a smile on her face! How come that's how it always seems... the people with the disabilities are the ones who are always smiling, excited to be whereever they are, interested in YOU being right there with them, enjoying life.... that breaks my heart! I don't physically have anything wrong with me, yet i can sit here and list off all these things that are wrong with me... she was very happy, walking all alone with a humongous smile on her face! May my eyes be opened to see what the Lord has blessed me with and be ever grateful for all the opportunities that He has given me!
I got asked to help out with the Day School at IBC today. I was assigned to one kid who had special needs... they were bringing in a specialist to screen him and try to figure out what exactly was his problem. I was very nervous, i had never dealt with anything like this before. But i continually asked the Lord to help me through out my day with him. He had given me this opportunity today, and little Denny was who i needed to give all my attention to....
I catch myself worrying about where i will be in a year... with graduation and all... yet all God wants me to do is take it day by day. Give the Lord my all, and leave the results up to Him... He will provide for me... just like he did today! School got out yesterday and here i am today, given the opportunity to sub at a day school.... I need to trust in my Father, He will provide for me...
This is getting long... i better go!
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life..... look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.