Saturday, May 31, 2008

looking back...

as i glance back over the past 2 months of my life, i am aware of so many things. I saw my world come crashing down, and everything that i felt secure in was completely taken away. I remember freaking out because i looked to my future and had not a clue what i was going to do... and now here i am alone to do whatever that may be. It was then that i realized i had to step it up, and let myself go there so that i could find myself in the Lord. I can blame alot of things on how i was raised, or abusive relationships that i supposedly went through, but that does NOTHING for me.... so there i was flat on my face, broken before the Lord. When i say i let myself go there, what i mean by that is, being completely open to every single possibility... go out on a wimb, where you are completely vulnerable and let the Lord show you, WHATEVER IT IS... whether it be some horrible things you have done to people, some flat out truth of your life that totally hurts to realize, to see where He is taking me (even if that place is scary), or to realize that this is it and i need to get myself together.... that might not make any sense. But it does in my brain and hopefully you can find some way to understand it... haha. It's been a scary place to be, but i'm learning to love it, because it's there that i meet God. If i am hanging on, or trying to convince Him that this is what needs to happen, i will never get anywhere... but if i leave myself open to either possibility, then i am there, waiting and trusting in my Lord... and when i do hear His voice, i won't have ANY regrets or second guesses about whether or not the motives and reasons were good. AHh i stink at trying to explain my thoughts.... sorry.

Anyways, here are some things that i am learning... (well some of them, i've known, but i just never acted i guess. You can know something, and believe something, yet never truly live it...)
  • i am strong, and can do things on my own (with Christ of course)... i dont need to be dependent on someone ( i like being weak, then someone cares for me - but there is a time and place for that - Marriage. )
  • families are a blessing (whether we see it as that or not) and we need each other - to love, to care, to cry, to vent, to build up... Our families should come before our friends.
  • trust - i dont even know how to explain this one, but here's my try... The Lord says that He will never take away anything that we hold dear, if He doesn't have something better in store... so what do you do when you feel like that's happened, yet can't imagine anything better... continually fall in love with the Lord, and learn to trust Him more than you EVER have before. And that's definetly where i am...
  • Giving my all in every situation and circumstance i find myself in... no matter the fatigue i may feel.
  • Serving others - when you finally get your heart in the right place, this can bring you so much joy! And daily i am learning this....
  • selflessness.... to put aside my desires and my time, and let others in and care for them. It's definetly not always easy...
  • and although this isn't the last one i'm sure, it's going to be for right now - the Lord can take my stinkin heart, the one that seems so stuck, confused, cold-hard, whatever... and He can soften it like NONE other, and bring tears to my eyes in ways that nothing else can... I love Him, I need Him - and He isn't done with me yet.

I'm sure these are probably things that everyone knows, and you're probably like omg Megan, get it together.... But never the less here i am. The many many teenage years, relationships, and activities that i have been through have done nothing but bring confusion to my life.... But the Lord can use that. And i will not use that as an excuse for being who i am. I am learning and through that i am growing - and even though i can't see the big picture, God is on my side and He will bring me through in His timing and for His purposes.

I love You Father... and only You know the depths of my past and all that i have been through. I pray that you will take that Father, and show me the truth... help me to deal with everything that i need to Father so that i can become like You... so that i can be used by You. i see these amazing wives/moms and it makes my heart so happy, yet something makes me believe i will never become that. Father open my eyes, awaken the passion in my heart, and stir up the desires.... mold my heart and me into what you created me to be. You are my Creator and only You know the plans for my future. I need you Father and i want to desire Your plan over anything else i could ever work up.... I want You Father... Be my eyes, open them to see You for all that You are - and let my heart be overwhelmed with gratitude... I want to fall in love with You and who You are, and through that fall in love with the man that You have for me... Show me Father, guide me.... Thank You.

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