Thursday, April 30, 2009

Phone Calls

Last night I shared a lot of my thoughts towards subbing and a little bit about everything going on with getting my certification.

I mentioned that I had filled in last week for an AID who was put on bed rest. Remember the sweet Megan that I spoke of? I so enjoyed being an AID over a teacher. They had a woman/sub that was scheduled to start April 28th (this past Monday) and fill this position for the remainder off the year (til' June 5th). I have to confess that I was a little disappointed. Being an AID was so much more fun, not to mention it kept me awake because I was constantly busy. I secretly wanted that spot.

Mom called this afternoon to inform me that the lady who was scheduled to fill in for the paraprofessional (AID) had to cancel because something came up. They wanted to know if I wanted the job. (Okay so maybe I shouldn't call it a JOB since i'm only filling in, but job sounds so much more important than spot.) Of course I accepted. So I start on Monday as a SUB-paraprofessional until June 5th when Public School lets out.

This may seem so tiny and silly to some of you, but to me it's huge.

This time last year I saw graduation approaching and I was so uncertain about what I was going to do with my life. I had zero plans. I knew and believed that no matter what decisions/mistakes I had made, no matter the amount (or lack) of training I had, that God would provide and give me the strength and courage to do whatever He had planned. (sorry for the run-on)

Other than babysitting, I've had one job that I consider a real job in my whole 21 years on this planet. I was a server at Golden Corral for about 2 years. I worked a whole whoppin' one day of the week. I'm serious when I say i've never had to work hard for anything. I've had it way too easy - i've coasted WAY too much. Maybe if I had worked other places instead of letting my parents provide and do everything for me then I might have a better sense of what I wanted to do with my life.

I chose (for probably the first time in my life) to let it go and trust Him. There was no sense in worrying about it. The past was the past and He would provide. I must choose to have faith.

That was a big step for me. The future was so uncertain, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And I could choose to love whatever I was doing. Whether I felt a strong sense that He called me there or not.

Getting that phone call today brought tears to my eyes.

It is two days away from Graduation and He has provided. Just like I knew and trusted that He would. I know it's a simple little job and it's not even forever, but it's something. And that's huge to me.

I got another phone call a few weeks ago from a lady who wanted to know if I would work as a Group Leader at the Summer Camp Program for the Boys n Girls Club. She was going to be over the program this year and everything was going to be different. Since I had nothing planned for the summer I accepted immediately. Automatically I thought back to last summer and how I was so afraid about graduation and the plans after. Yet here we are - and He has provided.

So i'm set until Public School begins again next Fall. I must choose now to lay it down and trust that He will provide when that time comes also. No matter how big or small - He will.

For the first time since High School (i believe) i'll be on schedule again that begins at 5:30 each morning. Five days a week... no choice to sleep in, no breaks during the middle of the day that tempts you to skip class, none of that mess. The joys of being back into a routine. I am thankful for boundaries.... i need them.

Thank you, Lord God, for providing. Forgive me for ever doubting that You would. Oh what You can do with a little faith. It's beautiful to me... I don't even know what to say. Continue to open my eyes to what You are teaching me. Help me to embrace everything I am given and to choose to love it. Thank You for the relationship that you put into my life that pushed me into this place... You taught me show much through that friend. Thank You. I still need You God.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Now that we've officially made it to finals week and graduation, i'm available every day of the week to SUB. I worked everyday last week, but it was a different experience. Instead of being a teacher I was a paraprofessional (aka - AID). To be honest, I enjoyed being an AID more than I do being an actual teacher. I was running errands all over the school, making copies for teachers, testing students individually, filling out paper work, etc. I truly believe i'm a sweeter person in that position. (Is it too late to switch my major to Business Administration?)

It's hard being a SUB. The students don't know you and they are going to try every little thing to see if they can get by with it. They will push just about every button until you are done. I admit that i've gained a lot of confidence through this experience, but I also feel like i've learned to be mean.... and that, I do not like. I notice all the time that i'm raising my voice and most of the time it's just because i'm annoyed. Some students are so stinkin' annoying - but what's truly sad is the students who are the worst are usually no ones favorite. They aren't accepted at home, they aren't accepted with their peers, and they aren't accepted from their teachers. It's like you're stuck (and they're stuck). They need love and attention, but they also need consistent discipline. They have learned that they get attention through acting negatively, so they use that to get acceptance and to be noticed. But that behavior also gets them in trouble. It's such a hard place to be. It's sad.

I've been downright rude to some of these kids because my patience runs so thin.... (I guess i'm terrified of the class/students getting out of control, me looking bad, not getting everything covered on the lesson plan, basically me me me - so i try to put my foot down and in return am extremely mean. I totally miss the point of it all.) Then my heart softens and I remember what i've been taught. You may be the only person who truly shows them you care and accepts them in a positive beneficial way. There is a way. It's not easy, and takes so much more time and patience. But it's possible.

I still do not know if i'm cut out to be a teacher. My heart feels towards those students. I feel like I truly care about some of them, but I don't know that I love teaching. And I don't know if i'm even gifted in the area of teaching.

I know that I'm very good at thinking things through (even though I tend to overanalyze) and realizing how things should be. What i'm not good at is carrying out those plans that I can see and feel in my heart. Doing is so much harder than just picturing it in your head.

Learning needs to be fun. So many kids hate school and learning because teachers don't handle it or carry it out in the right way.

I was talking with one of the kindergarten teachers last week whose classroom I was an AID in. She mentioned that if you are going to be a teacher you have to LOVE it. If you don't absolutely love it you will end up pulling out your hair or the students. I sat there thinking golly gee I don't think this is for me. But I always feel guilty. Like i'm not trying hard enough.

Love is a choice.

You can choose to like whatever job you have, whatever situation you're in, whatever posessions you can afford, etc. So part of me feels like I need to suck it up and go through with this. But still there is doubt.

I've mentioned briefly that I was considering getting my teaching ceritification through the alternative program. A friend mentioned it to me at the end of last semester and since Graduation was approaching, and I still had zero plans for my life afterwards, I decided maybe I should teach.... because, well let's face it, there is always a need for teachers no matter where you go.

My class schedule worked out to where I had Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off. Being a SUB means you get to pick when and if you work. Which means I could choose to have Tuesday and Thursday off and go to class, yet still SUB on my off days. I filled out my application, sent it in to the Administration building and waited to hear the results. The day I turned in my application was very scary. I'm dramatic, let's face it. I walked into the building and headed straight for the bathroom. I prayed outloud to God that whatever His will was, it would be accomplished. My anxiety was so so so high. I was going over my checklist over and over and over and over... I did not have a clue if I even wanted this. What in the world was I about to do?

It's nearly impossible to not get accepted to be a SUB. I knew that if I didn't get the job then it was completely the Lord closing the door and nothing more or less. We have a friend who is on the school board and she mentioned that my name was not on the list to be a SUB this year and I had not been voted on.

I remember thinking, what the heck, Lord? What am I going to do? Where do I go? What is going on? etc. A few days later I found out that I had been voted on and passed through. So then I waited for the next step.

The first day I subbed I almost cried. I believed that I could do this job, even with my insecurities, if I gave Christ my all and trusted. And I believed that I could even love it. The more I subbed, the more I grew, and the better I became. I learned to believe that I was capable. Working in the schools opens your eyes to so many things... some things that you don't really want to see or experience. It's been an interesting experience none the less.

I don't know where I was going with this post... I guess just putting my thoughts on paper (or screen?) Here's the thing. In order to go through the certification program to be a general teacher you have to have 2 of every core class - which I do not have. To be a specific teacher you need 34 hours in that subject as well as 12 upper level hours in that subject. Since i started out as a music major I have more than enough hours to cover that subject. I'm set and ready to start the program if I go the music route. But do I love teaching music or simply singing it? I don't know.

It seems like all the doors are open to go the music route, but I can't decide if i'm supposed to walk through that door.

I take a test next week that will tell me whether or not I can start the program. If I pass I can apply and begin in June. If not, then I guess we wait and see what opens next. So if you could, I'd appreciate your prayers over this situation.

You may not believe me when I say this, but honestly, i'm not worried. Even though that contradicts everything about who I usually am... haha! I know that right now I need to trust Him no matter what I choose. If I go through the program and find out that i hate it and am not fit to be a music teacher then I trust that He will provide a way and lead me somewhere else. Although it would save a lot of money if I knew beforehand. :)

Isn't He always teaching us something bigger though? It's not about finding a career, a job, a husband, etc.... it's about finding and knowing Him. Learning to recognize and discern His voice. That's what every decision is about. And that, I am so not good at.

Maybe that's the whole point of everything i'm going through right now.... to learn His voice.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Blonde Moment

: Are there 32 days in May?

: No. There aren't 32 days in any month. (insert picture of Casie with head tilted, obviously deep in thought) .... unless it's a leap year.

: We did not just have this conversation.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Simple Woman's Daybook

For today Sunday, April 26, 2009...

Outside my window... the sky is such a pretty dark blue and the moon is very thin. Extremely pretty! The weather is nice despite the fact that the wind is still blowin' away.

I am thinking... that snakes are NOT cool. I do not like the fact that there could be one within a few feet of where I am walking and me not even be aware of it. Dad killed 3 today, 2 of which were by the back door. CREEP ME OUT! We ran (literally) through the back yard to go visit my grandparents tonight (in the dark) and I cannot express to you how high my anxiety level was in that moment. I begged dad to give me a piggy back ride, but he REFUSED.

I am thankful for... people who openly share their doubts and struggles. When people are transparent and honest it has the tendency to cause a domino effect with others. In God's word He says that no temptation has come upon us that is not common to man. People will continue to feel alone unless we are honest with ourselves and others.

From the learning rooms... I have finished my last college paper - How exciting is that? In my congregational song class we were asked to write an original hymn. Definitely was not thrilled with that assignment, but it's done. I have 3 finals this week and 2 notebooks that have to be turned in. Other than that Graduation is the next big thing - 5 days away!

From the kitchen... ummm honestly, no idea. I'm positive it hasn't been swept in a while, there are probably dishes in the sink, the counters are sure to be filled with clutter, and on and on and on. Cereal was for supper this evening. Blueberry Morning - have you ever had it?

I am wearing... hair in a pony tail, white t-shirt and white jacket, blue jeans, barefoot at the moment, and hardly any make up. After I wrote my paper this afternoon I decided a quick bath would be nice. I washed my face and didn't feel like putting anything back on it.

I am creating... this blog post. It seems like that's the thing to say when you have nothing else that you are creating.

I am going... to check my facebook and then head to bed once I finish this post. Gotta sub in the morning which means I need plenty of rest. Not to mention this is finals week - we need to go into the week WELL RESTED.

I am reading... my new NKJ bible. A few weeks ago I noticed that I couldn't find my NIV bible that I carry around in my purse. After about a month of looking and not being able to find it I decided to buy a new one. (more like ask for a new one for my birthday - you know i'm stiff with my money) I do miss have certain verses and passages underlined. I had been working on reading the bible completley through and was keeping track of it in that bible. Now it's gone and i have no idea where I was in my reading. Out of 66 books I think I had 4 left.... it'll be okay though!

I am hearing... the news on tv, the fan in the balcony room upstairs, and my laptop creek as I rock back and forth in this recliner. And now Casie just muted the TV so it's REALLY quiet.

I am hoping... to know Christ, truly truly know Him. To put to rest everything that is bothering me. To have a faith that moves mountains. To fall in love with Him and then eventually find the man He created me to grow old with. Despite my fears and everything I'm dealing with, I do have a desire somewhere deep within to love someone and to have a family. I just have this fear that I will never be good at it - it seems like all I do is mess up everything lately. I know that seems so tiny and silly, but yeah... I want to love someone SO bad and to be the best mommy ever - that stupid enemy keeps telling me i'll never be good enough. I dunno...

Around the house... mom and dad just headed to bed, China is lying on the floor beside me as I blog away, and Casie is sitting across the room reading her New Living Translation bible.

One of my favorite things... a clean face and clean teeth. Whenever I went through my depression I got into a really bad habit of not taking care of my hygeine. I know that may totally surprise and DISGUST some of you, but yes, it's true. I'm just getting into the habit to where I remember to wash my hands after using the restroom, brush my teeth morning/night and even during the day at times, and wash my face before bed every night. It was so easy for me to just crawl into bed, cry myself to sleep and neglect taking care of my body. Now you know a little more about me than you probably wanted to. But YAY for my face FEELING cleaner and I think maybe even looking healthier. And yay for clean teeth and nice smelling breath. haha! (If only I could care about my eye brows again. They never get any attention - i know you've noticed!)

A few plans for the rest of the week... Subbing Monday and Wednesday. Finals Monday night, Tuesday and Thursday. Picking up the kids on Thursday. Graduation practice on Friday. Family coming in on Friday evening (which means wash my sheets, vacuum my floor, dust my bookshelves and fan, clean clean clean the bathroom) and then Graduation on Saturday. At some point I HAVE to study.... we'll see. haha!

Visit The Simple Woman.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Subway and Softball

Mom went with a friend to the scrapbooking convention in Houston and won't be back until late Saturday evening. With Casie living on Campus, Brandon's recent moving out, and mom's adventure that leaves dad and I alone at home. What shall we do?

Dad was in charge of supper. Any guesses on what was on the menu? I could have been an awesome child and planned to cook something, but with everything going on it never crossed my mind. He called at 4 to see if I was up for Subway and a softball game. Typical excuse for a dad 'cooking' supper and planning an evening with his child. haha! I'm just impressed that he called ahead of time to check with me. Bonding time here we come!

I got home around 4, prayed, tried to read the Word some, sat there feeling guilty and trying to think/pray more, and finally decided to lay my head on the arm of the chair and just go to sleep.... like always. Dad called around 5:30ish (waking me up) to tell me the final plans for the evening.

He got home around 6 and we headed out for Subway and Softball. I decided to order his usual at Subway and try it dad's way - i mean if you're gonna have a father/daughter night you might as well go all out. It was yummy!

The ETBU girls won their Softball game 2-1 and are currently #1 in the Nation. The weather made it the perfect evening to be outside.

Now we are back at home and i seriously need to take a shower. I can smell myself and that's just disgusting.

I have to SUB again tomorrow - which makes this my first FULL week of subbing. Welcome to life after college! My classes are officialy over, one final is complete, and the last 3 exams are scheduled for next week. Time is flying by and I seem to be missing so many opportunities that are right infront of my face. I can't believe i'm a week away from Graduation. It doesn't seem real.

Appearently there are more ball games scheduled for the weekend-with-dad. MHS Softball tomorrow night where I am blessed with the opportunity to sing the Anthem for Becks Senior night. And then another ETBU softball game on Saturday where I will sing at my last game as I cross over from an ETBU student to an alumni. It's senior day there as well!

We'll end our Father/Daughter weekend at Cameron's baseball game visiting with wonderful friends who make us feel so welcomed and loved! What a weekend!

Thank You, Lord, for an evening with my dad and for allowing me to put aside what i'd usually do and just be with him. Thank You for my dad. Be with mom and Diane as they attend their convention and if it be Your will bring them home safely. Surround my brother and everything that is going on in his life - i'm hurting for him Lord. We are so human and so lost. Please give us eyes, ears, and hearts that respond to Your guidance. Be with Casie as she finishes her first year of college and a second round of finals. And I beg for You in my own life.... You know me and no one can bring healing or fill me up but You - i'm desperate, Lord. I lift up every child that I encounter at school tomorrow, give me an extra ounce of Your love to spill over onto those children. In Your name I pray, Amen.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Word of God

Last Fall I discovered a frightening truth; the enemy not only knows scripture, but uses it. I think we were all taught at some point that even satan and the demons know God, but knowing something and experiencing that something are two totally different things.

Have you ever had one of those midnight wake ups where you feel like you have some kind of message, or tune, or poem, or whatever... and you know that if you don't immediately get up and write it down you will forget it before morning? Some messages, songs, and sermons are that way. I've heard of many popular Christian speakers who carry a pen and paper with them at all times incase the Lord decides to speak. They don't want to miss or forget anything. But then there are the other sermons that you hear and they seem to never leave. There's no need to really write them down because i mean it's like photographic right there in your mind. That's how I feel how about this passage.

I do not remember where I was whenever I realized that there was a possibility that the confusion in my life could have come from the chief liar and deceiver himself. And i'm still not even sure how to sort it all out, but nevertheless I press on.... very weak, i might add, but pressing none the less.

Matthew 4:1-11
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterwards He was hungry.
Now when the tempter came to Him, he said, "If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread."
But He answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God."
Then the devil took Him up into the holy city, set Him on the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, "If You are the Son of God throw Yourself down. For it is written: 'He shall give His angels charge over you,' and, 'In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone.'"
Jesus said to him, "It is written again, 'You shall not tempt the LORD your God.'"
Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory.
And he said to Him, "All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me."
Then Jesus said to him, "Away with you, Satan! For it is written, 'You shall worship the LORD your God, and Him only you shall serve.'"
Then the devil left Him, and behold, angels came and ministered to Him.

So the Spirit leads Him into the wilderness, He spends forty days and nights fasting before the Lord, and then His fasting period is over... and just like anyone would naturally be - He's hungry. So the enemy sees this as the perfect opportunity to tempt Him.

"Look man, you're hungry... and if You are the Son of God, you know, you could just tell that stone to become bread and you'd solve that problem right there."

What does Christ do in return? He quotes scripture.

So satan moves on and tries something else, but this time he tries to be sneaky and he uses scripture. "God said He'd send His angels to come and catch you, so why don't you just jump? I mean if You are the Son of God."

Christ responds again by quoting scripture.

Obviously Satan isn't stupid - he's trying to pretend that he is, but he aint fooling no one but himself. He knows that Jesus is the Son of God. So why is he trying to make Him do all of these things to prove that He is the son of God?

Because it's not about proving that He is indeed the very Son of God. Satan wanted Christ to fall down, to listen to his words - he wanted to trick him, to somehow try and win, to gain power over him, to make him slip... which leads us to temptation number three.

"Worship me! I'll give you all of this."

That's what he wanted all along - he wanted Jesus to mess up and worship him. The enemy knew darn well who He was dealing with - he needed no proof - that's why he was trying so hard to get Him to worship him. He knew Christ was our only hope and our only means of true Life. And just as always, he was hard at work trying to mess up that plan.

For the third time Christ again quotes scriptures back at His tempter.

So how does this apply to us?

First, I think it's very important to point out that the enemy can't tempt you unless the Lord lifts His hand and allows it. (v. 1 The Spirit led Him...) He doesn't do it to forsake you in your weakness, but more to bring you to the place where you can meet Him and witness His strength. I read one time that maybe the Lord allows us to continue to get lower and lower and lower until we can't possibly go any lower so that we are SO desperate we can't cling to anything else, but Him. It's never about Him leaving you there to hurt, it's about you realizing who He is and that with Him comes His Power.

Second, the enemy attacks you when you're down. (v. 2-3) Christ had been fasting for 40 days and was flat out hungry... the enemy used that hunger to tempt Jesus in a weak point. I think so many times we blame the devil for what's going on in our lives (i'm so not pointing fingers here). Sometimes it's not the enemy in our circumstance, but instead the enemy using our circumstance. That financial issue you're dealing with - it may not be him at all, but you betcha he could step in at any moment and decide to use that issue because it's a weak place for you.

Third, the enemy quotes scripture. (v. 6) It's so so so so important to know the Word of God. This also makes me think of false teachers - any time someone tries to prove a point to you by using ONE verse in the word of God - your red flag needs to go poppin' up. He's a smart fella. He aint gonna come out in all his red gear trying to mess you up. You bet he'll come all pretty (the angel of light), even using scripture to trick you up. Beware!

There are many other points that we could pull out in this passage, but this is getting lengthy so I'll close with the most important....

We need to speak the Word.

Three times Christ was tempted and all three times He quoted scripture right back. We have to know it. To hide it in our hearts. To meditate on it. To continually speak it, people...

In Ephesians 6:10-18 you have the passage on the Armor of God. Beth Moore in her book 'Praying God's Word' points out that the first 5 articles in our armor are for protection. The 6th, and final, article is the only one that is a weapon. And that weapon is our sword - the Word of God. [Immediately following that verse there is a comma and it continues on with 'praying always'.... which is what lead Beth to publish that book.]

The only weapon we need is the Word of God. And we can't fight if we don't spend time in it, meditating, and hiding it within us. You can't know it if you don't read it.

So i'm not claiming that my situation is indeed the enemy.... but I do know this passage came out SO clear to me one day and i haven't been able to forget it. I'm thinkin' it must be important. And i'm also thinkin' that if Jesus quoted scripture and He was 'the Word became flesh' then we probably should imitate that and quote us some powerful Words of God too.

Cling to Jesus. I'm going to share one of these days how hard (mentally) the past four years have been - and I pray that the Lord uses it for His glory to strengthen/encourage whomever He chooses. I know that I speak about it alot, but that's because it's truly a fight and weakness for me - more than anyone will ever know. You have yours [weakness], and I have mine - and many days I choose to lie in bed because i'm too tired to fight and fail. The only way i'm going to EVER get over what i'm going through is to seriously speak the Word of my Lord Jesus Christ.... whether it's the enemy or my straight up ignorance that's causing confusion - i must choose to Speak the Word, Claim the Name, and Plead the Blood.

"It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God."
- Jesus (Mt. 4:4)

He said it - not me.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Daybook - OR night book

For today, Monday April 13, 2009
Outside my window... it is 5 minutes away from midnight so it's very dark outside. Not much happening at this hour.
I am thinking... graduation came way too fast. I feel like I just entered college yesterday, but at the same time I feel like high school was FOREVER ago.
I am thankful for... the ability to make good grades. It doesn't take much for me to comprehend things - especially things that are very LOGICAL. Give me a few steps and I can work things out in no time for ya. Getting through college has been a breeze for me - i feel guilty. I've never truly had to work hard for anything in life and it's starting to show... pray pray.
From the learning rooms... as if you didn't know - Graduation is approaching in 19 days. I have 4 more days of class and then finals will be here for the LAST time. As it turns out I just might have to go back to school for an extra science class or two - IF I go the teaching route. I'm really wishing now I had majored in something other than University Studies. This degree for me means that I still have ZERO plans and I HATE that. But i'm learning that is does no good to worry about things - something i should have learned a LONG time ago. So i'm letting it go and deciding what to do next.
From the kitchen... i have no idea. I went to class, came home, and have been working on school and chatting with friends on FB since then. I need to help mom out more - i've been slacking again. I tend to do EVERYthing in seasons - will I ever grow out of this?
So the other day I learned that the definition of determination is the act of arriving at or making a decision. I'm not good with decisions. Which also means i lack determination. I think it really means that i've made a lot of mistakes in life and have lost a lot of faith in myself. I'm afraid to mess up again... so i try to wait on God to tell me what to do - and lots of times I don't get anything so I don't make a decision. I'm thinking maybe i'm suppose to be learning to just DO and TRUST despite whatever I decide.
I am wearing... my sisters Senior 4tet T-shirt. (shhh don't tell her) Some mesh shorts with my hair in a pony tail. Zero make up once again. I washed it off after I got home from class. Graduation is showing up on my face... pimples galore!
I am creating... nada.
I am going... to pray, read, and head to bed after I get off here. And i think i'm just gonna shut this rig down for a few days. Once again i don't feel like it does anything for me. I wait for comments, messages, etc and that just screams acceptance to me. I'm tired of running to other things and letting it fill my time. I seriously need Jesus. To be COMPLETE.
I am reading... Waking the Dead - John Eldridge. Heaven is Real - Don Piper. ESV study bible. Over Spring Break I read Parting the Waters and it was GREAT! Dad always talks about Casie being 5 years old and saying her prayers for Jacob every night before bed. He said he had to turn the lights off because it brought tears to his eyes. I'm thinking leave them lights on. I love when a man cries - it shows that he is indeed a MAN.
I am hoping... to find Jesus. To rest in His arms. To have a real genuine relationship with Him. I started typing a very transparent post the other night, but i'm just not ready to post it yet.
I am hearing... the tv on the XM radio channel. Jeremy Camp is currently singing Here I Am To Worship. And there is a random dog barking in the neighbors yard.
Around the house... everyone is asleep except me. Everyone meaning - mom, dad, and china.
One of my favorite things... why is it so hard for me to answer this question? Seriously, I am realizing how much i need to work on in my life... good gracious! Hang on - this should NOT be this hard. When the Lord softens my heart. There we go. I love when you see someone in a different light. When you feel a different kind of love towards them.... it's beautiful.
A few plans for the rest of the week... school, adult choir, more school, papers, projects, portfolios to finish (or start - I KNOW), visiting MEA at A&M (that might have to be rescheduled), prayer prayer prayer prayer prayer...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Picture Thought

While we were camping over Spring Break I was dealing with a lot of doubt, anxiety, unbelief, and other issues in my mind. (oh stop with the eye rolling) With no internet, limited cell phone service, and no where I had to be I decided to take advantage of the outdoors. I payed extra close attention to creation and thought about all the tiny little details.

Do you ever think about how much we miss because we sleep through it all? We should spend more of our time outside. God created it all and holds it all in place with His own hands.... can you grasp that? It's overwhelming - and even frightening at times to think about all that power.
One evening I walked down to the boat dock and watched the Sunset. Mr Canoe Guy got right in my path so i decided to take a picture. I really like the way it turned out!

Do you have any sunset, sunrise, or creation stories/memories?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Simple Woman

For Today, Tuesday April 7 2009...

Outside my window... the sun is shining and the wind is blowing slightly, but not as bad as the past few days. The wind has been crazy! I am definetely ready for some warmer weather.

I am thinking... that i'm just tired of thinking. I cannot express to you the amount of confusion going on in my mind right now. I thought I heard the Lord so firmly - i was SO sure it was Him. So i was finally obedient and flat out surrendered after many many months of fighting... now i'm so very confused, tired, hurting, exhausted, etc. It's just not adding up. Emotionally and mentally i'm drained. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of looking like the idiotic bad guy.

I am thankful for... the fun i had last week in rehearsal. I love goofing off and being able to laugh.

From the learning rooms... 3 more weeks of school, which equals 5 more days of class, then finals, then graduation. My cap 'n gown have been ordered and we're working on the dreadful invitations. If it were up to me I wouldn't be participating in the ceremony at all, but mom refuses to let that happen. And considering she made it possible for me to even attend college, it's the least i can do. I have done great on my tests this semester which makes me very happy! Still have zero plans of what I will do afterwards.

From the kitchen... something smells delicious. Mom is making dinner and talking to Casie (based on the conversation I hear taking place) on the phone. I'm sure there is plenty of cleaning that needs to take place.... yeah.

I am wearing... black nike hat, torquoise t-shirt, black jacket, blue jeans, tennis shoes.... and ZERO make up. We had to pack on the make up for the Sacrifice last week. The past 2 days i have yet to completely apply it back on.

I am creating... nada. I did "create" a curtain for my bedroom window. It's pretty interesting! I don't know what happened to the rod that goes above my window and i had ZERO money to buy a new one; or even a curtain to go with it for that matter. I saw it as an opportunity to improvise and get ready for what may lie ahead in the future - slow cash flow. So i took my old shower curtain from my dorm days, tied a ribbon to it, rigged it up, and made it look somewhat curtain like. I bet you have all kinds of pictures filling your mind now! :)

I am going... to the store for my mother in a few minutes. She needs cornmeal.

I am reading... Waking The Dead by John Eldridge or however you spell his last name. So far I'm enjoying it - especially considering my emotions, circumstances, and thoughts right now.

I am hoping... to be healed (mentally and emotionally). I'm thinking that maybe my father was right a few years ago when he said I may never fully get over "this" or that it would take lots of healing time. Can you tell i'm struggling? Gotta love my honest personality.

I am hearing... the dishwasher running in the kitchen and the machines in the laundry room also.

Around the house... Mom is finishing up supper, getting ready to go get a hair cut and run a few other errands. Dad is at work and will be home within the next hour or two. Casie is at school. Brandon moved out almost 3 weeks ago and is now a big boy on his own. And I am about to head to the store for my mother so that i can make the cornbread for supper and it be ready when everyone gets ready to sit down and eat.

Random statement here but I feel like it stinks in this house. Do you ever feel that way about your home? I asked mom what the smell was and she acted like i was crazy. Maybe i'm creating the smell in my mind.... wouldn't surprise me.

One of my favorite things... turning in an assignment. Just knowing that you are DONE and it is out of your hands. And also getting a good grade on it!

A few plans for the rest of the week... Subbing 2nd grade tomorrow, adult choir and then Sacrifice celebration party Wednesday evening, class on Thursday, Friday - Sunday no plans as of now.