Monday, June 30, 2008

The Good Shepherd

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice... I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep... I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father -and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd." John 10:1-5,7-11,14-16

As i find myself voicing the same prayers over and over, struggling with what seems like the same issues time and time again, i realize how desperate i am and how much i am longing to hear my Saviors voice. I read this passage the other night before i went to bed... it stirred something inside of me and i started to do some google searches and studies. You often hear people call sheep 'stupid'... i mean that's just what they are! In their very character they are just not very smart. Ever think about why Christ compares us to them? In His word He continually calls us the sheep of His pasture... His flock! Is He calling us stupid? In Matthew 9:36 Christ labels sheep without a shepherd as harassed and helpless, yet He has compassion on them. Appearently we need a Shepherd. Looking up all these sites, reading about sheep, their character, and the role of their shepherds, has really made me dwell on what He could possibly be saying to us in His scripture.
In the East, shepherds brought their flocks into one central sheepfold every evening where half-a-dozen flocks gathered together and were guarded by a porter or gatekeeper behind locked doors. In the morning the shepherds returned and each called his own sheep. Although the flocks had been mingled together, each flock knew its own shepherd's voice, and each would follow its own shepherd and no other. This is the picture our Lord uses with regard to the encounter between the man who had been born blind and the false shepherds, the Pharisees.

It is amazing to me that out of all of those voices, and in the midst of their mingling, they can hear and recognize their shepherd. And this is what Christ calls us to be like. We should recognize His voice, no matter how many others are sounding off in our head, and we should run to Him, and NO other.

I found this picture while googling information. As i stared at the picture i realized that the sheep were made out of telephones. Immediately, i began to think about this passage in John 10 where it talks about our Shepherds voice. When is He calling you will you recognize it, will you hear it? Will you pick it up, be obedient, and go exactly where He calls you? such an IRONIC picture! (I wonder if they were thinking about this passage while constructing these, or if it's completely coincedental?)

Here is one thing i found...

People often say that sheep are "stupid" because of their strong "flock mentality." A sheep will become very agitated if it is separated from the rest of the flock. However, it is this flocking behavior that provides their best defense against predators. (sheep101)

This reminds me of the body of Christ. Do you think there is some kind of connection between Him calling us the FLOCK of His pasture, and insisting on there being Unity in the body of Christ? We need each other to stand against the enemy (predator) and his evil schemes. If we all came together and were truly unifired, i'm sure he'd go running in the other direction at the massive flock starring him down.

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart... "I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will i look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered... I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak... You my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, are people, and I am your God, declares the Sovereign LORD." (Isaiah 40:11; Ezekiel 34:11-12,15-16,31)

I read an article online from a man who had taken a trip to visit the Bedouin people, whom are nomadic shepherds. As he sat in his tent one night realizing that he had nothing in common with this man, he began to tell him the story about the shepherd... he had 99 sheep and one other had wandered off and gotten lost. He left all of the others just to go and find the one. The Bedouin man called the SHEPHERD stupid, and said if the lost sheep ever came back he would kill it. When asked why he would kill it, he responded with...

"Because he had shown himself to be stupid. A sheep that stupid will just get
lost again tomorrow."

This is a beautiful picture of our Lord, our Good Shepherd. He knows that we are going to get lost tomorrow. But He still over and over again leaves the rest of the flock just to come and find US! Instead of this Bedouin man seeing this as an act of kindness on the Sheperds part, he continually called the Shepherd stupid, wasting his time on a beast that would never even appreciate his being rescued. If that is not a better picture of how we are, then i don't know what is? Over and over in the bible you see the Lord as the Shepherd, and we are the sheep, the flock of His pasture. No one is a waste to Him. He took what man calls the stupidest beast on earth, and compared us to them. Yet He rescues us over and over and NEVER gets tired of it. I think of my mother telling me not to do something whenever i was younger, but something inside of me insisting on trying to defy everything else and do it anyways. No matter how many times she told me, "baby you shouldn't do that, you are going to get hurt", i ended up trying it. Why don't we listen? She is only protecting me, because she's been there and knows better than I.

So does my Father in Heaven, my Creator. He knows exactly what i need to satisfy and fill me. Yet i go and try to find something else, that in my mind, will satisfy some need that He will never be able to meet. You think being compared to something stupid would kind of hurt, but i love the picture. No matter how stupid we are, no matter how far away we go, He is waiting to hear that little (and you would think annoying) cry for help 'BAAaah', and He will leave everything else to come and rescue us.... it NEVER ends!

Psalm 23:1 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

In John, Christ used the analogy of the shepherd going out INFRONT of the flock, guiding them. The shepherd knew exactly which path to take so that they wouldn't lose any of their sheep. And that's exactly what i think about when reading verse 3 in this Psalm. He is guiding me along paths of righteousness, He is walking right infront of me, leading me. He knows the WAY!

Isaiah 53:6 says, We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way... Maybe we should stop trying to find some short cut or detour and just trust that He has something beautiful that He wants us to see on His path! He tells us that He knows the Way, He is the Way, and if we just look to Him and follow Him, we won't get lost.

Christ wants to be our Shepherd! He wants to carry us close to His heart, He wants us to recognize His voice and come running. He wants us to follow Him because He knows exactly which road we need to take, so that we won't fall off the edge. We should realize that we are helpless with out Him... we need His guidance. He wants us to know that no matter how stupid we may act, seem, or feel, He is willing to continually come and rescue us. He loves too! He is there waiting, right out infront of you... open your eyes and recognize your Shepherd! He will guide you! We should flock together, be unified as a body, just like sheep. We might be stupid in character and need someone to guide us, but one thing we can learn and have the ability to do, is recognize His voice over any other!

It's like i picture Jesus standing there pleading with these people, "please please listen to me! It's me! I am the good shepherd! I need you to understand and get this... I am this good shepherd, I will lay down my life for you!" Everytime i read this i can't help but get excited! I love the analogy of the shepherd and his sheep. I NEED HIM - I AM COMPLETELY HELPLESS WITH OUT HIM! I want that voice to be so dear to me. I want to cherish it! Any time He speaks or shows Himself, i want to stop dead in my tracks and be in awe. I want to follow it. I want it to be so near to me that i don't even recognize the strangers (satan) and completely resist and ignore it.

Psalm 95:6-7 Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.

Saturday, June 28, 2008


I came across the Living Proof Ministries blog with Beth Moore and her daughters Thursday night. I added their link to my sidebar along with the other bloggers i like. It was like finding a treasure, haha! I really like Beth's wisdom! Sometimes she can be so routine with her phrases, but you can't help but see the Lord through her studies. I looked over the titles of some of their older post on the archive, and decided to read some that caught my eye. It makes me sick how easily they can make their thoughts flow, it's so smooth... it just seems as if i get on here and it gets all jumbled up. I'll read back over mine and i'm like ugh, i stink at this. O well though! Most of the time i post for myself, because it helps to let things out!

I got to spend a few hours with Cari and the girls last night! It always makes my day! They are the most loving kids! Everytime you see them you feel welcomed... they want to hug you and will spend hours asking you questions over and over. I enjoy their acceptance and love! Even though they're just kids, they probably don't realize how much it means to me and touches my heart!

Well i'm going to spend the day with my mom, shopping and what not! I hope you all have a fantastic day!

May i pray for you?

Lord i come to you now lifting up whomever is reading this blog. I pray for their day, the one they are currently going through. I pray for their eyes, ears, hearts to be open to take all of You in. You know each of our circumstances, struggles, victories, things that we are going through and so i lift those up to you right now! Thank you for Life! Show us who You are in a new way today! Help us not to miss it! I love You!

Friday, June 27, 2008

opening up.

There isn't technically a limit on how many entries you post each month, but considering there are only 30 days in June and i've posted about 34 entries - i think i've reached my limit! I'm starting to get SO into this blogging stuff. I must pace myself! I really enjoy reading other woman's blogs! I get to see their struggles, their heart, their realizations, their growth, so many things... and i'm only blessed by it! I started this blog about 3 months ago not thinking much of it! I had a friend who blogged and i was always so excited to read hers. She's a very humerous girl and her wisdom always amazed me.

When i first started blogging i was very intimidated, for many reasons -

number one: my grammar is horrible!!! Incase you haven't noticed! All those years of getting on instant messenger, and finding ways to shortcut through text messaging, they have only messed up everything i learned in high school! (plus, i DID graduate from Marshall High - that could explain a lot too! ha!)

number two: i wasn't where i was supposed to be spiritually. I had never given the Lord my whole heart, my everything... i wanted control and i was searching for SO much to fill me up! I knew that getting on here and sharing what i was learning would be a stretch because i did NOT feel wise enough when it came to understanding the scriptures! And it would be plain for everyone to see...

number 3: The month before i joined bloggerville i had decided to end a relationship... ( which was totally the Lord, because i was never brave enough to do it ) I figured it would be a way to fill some time, since i couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore... should have known the Lord had other plans!

You see my whole life, or should i say sense 8th grade, (see does the comma go before or after the or? or is a comma even correct?) i had gone from boy to boy. Now i've only really had about 5 boyfriends, which is probably a TON compared to most people, BUT i always had a guy that i was "talking" too... or on their end, that i was being USED by. They would never seem to accept me as their FULL girlfriend, they'd just talk to me at night time, when they were alone, so that NO one else knew about it... and i let them treat me this way? YES! I don't believe there was EVER a time that i was completely single without a guy calling me, even if it wasn't official bf/gf. I didn't realize then that all the advice the youth ministers and those older than me were giving was actually true. It's not just the physical/sexual things you do with guys that cause you damage, every decision you make towards dating will affect you. I became this needy person that was searching for someone, ANYONE, to accept me. It got to the point to where any guy that would give me attention i was game for. The summer before college i met a guy at youth camp, whom i thought was IT! i mean it just couldn't get any better, WE MET AT YOUTH CAMP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! haha, stupid me! I believed, or 'convinced' myself that he was who i would spend the rest of my earthly days with. I got severely depressed about 2 months into our relationship, but you have to remember this was the same time i was starting my freshman year in college. I went to the doctor and the counselor after my best friend made me go. I had dropped an enormous amount of weight for my size, was not eating, cryng all the time, and just had no desire to do anything. After the counselor and doctor diagnosed me as 'severely depressed' they recommended i get on medication. I talked to my parents and we decided we might as well try! Everyone was filling my head with SO much noise. The doctors, counselors, boyfriend, parents, and friends, were telling me my depression came from being a homebody and just being stressed out from my first year of school, living away from home. They said it was satan trying to ruin me and this guys relationship, because he knew what we could become. I never believed it! I wanted too, but something never let me accept it. See i started having doubts toward this relationship that i was in... i didn't know if i loved him anymore, i couldn't feel anything, i started doubting and freaking out ALL the time.... then my depression came. In my heart i believed, or felt, that my depression came because i had ignored the Lord's voice! I know He wasn't sitting there going, 'You, my daughter, did not listen. So you are going to be punished with this little thing i call depression.' i don't believe He is like that. But i do believe that we can ignore His voice, run far away, then Satan pulls us in and numerous doubty, evil things begin to happen in our life. (Does that make sense?) I know this is a really long story and i'm sorry, but i'm not a short story person! After a year and a half of dating him and continually doubting my feelings towards him we finally broke up. Or should i say fell apart! He very angrily decided we should take a break so that i could figure things out. I WAS FREAKING OUT! How was i going to make it alone? Now a break to me, was a break... to him it was, i am angry, and now i get to see other girls. I was so hurt. I don't blame him though, i put him through so much crap and he stuck beside me the whole time putting up with it. But as soon as he got the guts to let go, it was like his actions didn't match was he had been telling me all those months. It hadn't even been a week and he was with other girls all the time, into all hours of the night, and even exchanging lips with them. I didn't understand. I was so dependent on him and so desperate. I called him and asked him what was up, if he was done with me or if we were still considering this a break... because somewhere down the line our definition of a 'break' was NOT matching up. Anyways, skipping a few things, something horrible happened. My parents began to open up and tell me how they felt. They told me from the outside looking in what they believed was happening. They talked to friends and all came to an agreement. I had been mentally abused and manipulated. To this day i still cannot accept that. I just blame myself. I don't trust myself. It had to be my fault. The day that my parents finally stepped in and ordered that he stay away from me, was the first day he layed a hand on me.... no he didn't hit me... but he grabbed my wrist and got right into my face. My parents said i got out in just the right time. It starts with mental abuse, they manipulate you and pull you in, once they know you're hooked then the physical abuse starts to show...... i don't believe that was what happened. Something just won't let me. Maybe they're right, but i just blame myself. I was the one who drove him insane and he was just angry. This wasn't who he was. Whatever it was, i know now that that's not who i'm supposed to be with. No matter how angry you get with each other, you should never treat each other that way... me towards him, or him towards me. I have to look back at that situation and realize if we had gotten married and something devastating happened, how might he react?

After getting out of that relationship the Lord brought another guy into my life. My years of being in horrible relationships and doing horrible things had ended. For some reason, when i met this guy everything changed. He was the best example of Christ in my life. No one had ever made an impact on my life like he had. When i was with him, i was a better person... he challenged me in my relationship with the Lord. Something was just different. But then the doubts came in that relationship too. I had convinced myself in the relationship before that this "feeling" was the Lord... so this relationship must be wrong too. I hung on with my needy dependent self, thinking that it'd just go away. Finally i got to the point to where i couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do it to THIS guy. I was vulnerable whenever we started hanging out and i was still very needy and looking for acceptance... I needed to care about him, he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be used. (and that's what my head was telling me i was doing... Satan or not, it was there, and it was affecting him) I had to BE SINGLE for once and get myself right with the Lord. I had to go to the only One who could complete me and let Him bring the healing. I had to seek His truth so He could reveal to me wether or not these voices were truth or lies... I thank the Lord for that relationship and how God used it to bring me to my knees. I thank Him for the influence that this guy had on my life. I will remember it forever. It's so odd to me that this ONE person was the ONLY one who for some reason i believed, and changed what i was doing. It had to be the Lord!

I believe i was saved whenever i was younger, but i don't believe i gave my whole heart to the Lord until this situation happened... I am learning to put my faith in the Lord. To trust Him with everything that i have. I am coming to the place where the only true unconditional acceptance lies... and not searching for it everywhere else. I am learning what it means to be in love with Him and to be complete in Him. I had to stop listening to everyone around me, and quiet all the voices inside my head. I am letting my Shepherd show me His voice so that i can recognize Him no matter what difficulties come. No matter how many doubts or voices rise up.... i will be able to hear His and follow where ever He leads me! I'm not sure if those doubts came a few years ago because of Satan, out of my own fear, or if it was because i ran away from the Lord.... but i do know that if i seek Him with all my heart, He will lead me! (not me searching for Him through boys or other people, but searching the LORD for myself - i needed to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him) He will guide me, He will walk with me through every valley and mountain that comes. He will show me the man He has created me to spend the rest of my life glorifying Him with... and if i'm wrong... He will lead me back to this amazing guy who had such an influence on my life. But until then, i am dating the Lover of my soul!

I am sure i probably did a bad job at explaining and i might have even left some things out on accident. And i am sorry if this makes NO sense, you are welcome to ask me ANY questions, no matter how bad they might sound... I regret my past and how i used guys to some how feel complete and accepted, but i am not ashamed to share that with people. The Lord will use it if He chooses too. I didn't plan on this being this long, i didnt even plan on writing on this in the first place.... it just all started pouring out. But now you know a little more about where i am right now in life. Hopefully you will be able to see my journey as i grow through this time, and come to know my Savior. This blog has been like an accountability partner for me. Although i don't do it for acceptance, i look forward too and am so worried about keeping it updated... which keeps me continually seeking my Savior for more answers! It has allowed me to see that the Lord is working in my life. He is molding me. I can go back and read over certain posts to remind myself of these things on the days whenever i feel like i'm stuck in the mud forever. No more searching for worldly things to fill holes inside of me, i am now searching The Potter - The Creator - The One who gives True Life!

I am growing and I am learning! Glad you could be apart of that!

I love you Father. I thank you SOoooo much for bringing me to my knees. I thank you for revealing yourself to me even in the midst of MY mistakes. I thank you for an awesome christian influence, and how you used that to bring me to You. Help me to continue to seek you with ALL of my heart, and to let You reveal to me who you want me to be with and when... and until then i will be patient! i pray for this guy, i lift him up to you! Show us what you want to happen. We love you and need you! Thank you for life!

Thursday, June 26, 2008


a friend, mother, and wife, whom i look up to very dearly, posted an entry yesterday on the Proverbs 31 passage... We had a conversation on the phone the other day about what she had been learning in a bible study group she is in.

This passage is not about the wife of noble accomplishments, but the wife of noble character.

It's not about all the things she can do or provide for you, it's who she is! That's what i want for myself and my family. That's exactly what i have been praying for God to do in my life and heart! It's not as if i read it thinking, 'i have to get up early, be excited and ready to work and provide for my family... ' I was thinking this woman loved what she was doing! She enjoyed being a wife and mother! She loved serving her family and was ready at any moment for the opportunity to be there! And she did it with ALL her heart! Not because it was her task! That's where i want my heart to be! I saw everything that i was involved with and i was completely unhappy... it's like i kept searching for God to show me where He wanted me, why He had created me and then i'd be happy... i was SO wrong! My heart was in the wrong place. He had me exactly where He wanted me, and i was missing Him because i was trying to search for something better! (when it doesn't exist) Whenever i have a family of my own i want my kids to see who i am, to see how i conduct myself, see my attitude towards the things that i do, to see me praying, to see me worshiping the Lord.... and that's what i want them to take away. I want to spend time with them, love them, pray with them, teach them what it means to LIVE for the Lord in EVERYTHING that we do! I want them to be excited about life! And i want to be that example! Not because of anything that i'm doing, but the attitude and heart behind what i am doing!

It's as if the people at work see you working, never complaining, never giving up... but completely giving your all, smiling and loving on every person that comes your way! They don't think man she is GOOD at typing and filing - they think she never once groans or tries to take the easy way out... she works with all her heart! That's how i want my family to see me! Mom did everything with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength! (ever notice the order of the things listed in that verse? our heart is the first.... it must begin there)

These are my thoughts! It's been on my mind for months, and then she brought it up also!!! Maybe God wants to get our attention!

You should read Cari's blog! I couldn't have said it any better than her... It's an eye-opener!

Thank you for Cari Father! Thank you for her wisdom and her ability to admit things openly! Be with her and her family! Give her a sincere heart to serve You by serving her children! Be with her in every single task that she has... wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher, everything! Help us all to have genuine hearts that show our love for you in everything that we are doing! Not because of what we do, but because of you! I love you!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

nappy nappy!

I found these pictures while flipping through one of our family photo albums! I died laughing whenever i saw the first 2 pictures you are about to view!

This picture was taken probably around age 4 or so? I fell asleep in the rocking chair... look at how funny i look! What is so hilarious is the NEXT picture!
Now, a few years later...

In the SAME exact chair, SAME exact position, it even looks like my clothes are almost exactly the same! Is that not funny? Excuse whatever filth is all over my clothes and face... there's a coloring page and a pencil(?) in my hand - maybe i wrote on myself? What is ironic is that i still sleep in the chairs like this! Just ask Cari! We were at her house Sunday afternoon and i fell asleep watching the movie, in this same position! Curled up into a ball sideways in the chair! Some things we just never grow out of i guess! :)

This next picture i just post for fun!! Since this seems to be the NAP picture blog, i felt this one was appropriate! Don't mind the freaky doll face planted into the dirt in the back ground... i'm not too sure what that's about! I learned to sit in the swing like this whenever mom or dad was too busy to push me. My feet could reach the ground and i could do it myself! Obviously i got tired and decided to take a little nappy... i just rocked myself to sleep! haha! And appearently mom thought it was neccesary to get on camera!

O and one more thing! Did you notice that my hair style NEVER changed! Sad day! Whenever i was old enough to decide on my own, i had LONG hair for many years! :)

Wonderful Wednesday!

Hold on to your hats people!!!! I cooked supper tonight! (yes, Cari, I DID!) All by myself too! Mom called this afternoon and asked if i could go to the store to get stuff for supper. She had to meet with the guy who is leading worship at church on Sunday and said she would be in a hurry and wouldn't have time to pick it up and cook. Me and Zoey went to Walmart after finishing some girl time errands and had a blast going down the aisles! I got off work at 4 and decided, 'why not just surprise mom and make supper?' Thing is - i've ONLY cooked once in my entire life, and that was 3 years ago, AND my mom was there helping me the whole way. I had faith today though! I knew i could do it, mom just never believed in me. I made dorito caserole!!! and i didn't burn it!!! Brandon even had TWO huge helpings! I was very proud of myself! I didn't even look at the recipe, it was ALL in my memory! Did i ever tell you the story about psychology and the memory test?

I'll tell it anyways...

We were on the topic of memory in my psychology class this past semester. Short term and Long term Memory! He did this little test with us just to see if the results matched the typical studies found. Most people can remember 7 numbers.... (which is probably why phone numbers are 7 digits) The teacher called out 6 numbers and then as soon as he was finished listing all 6 of them, we were to immediately write them out. Afterwards, he would recite them to see if our paper/answers matched the numbers he called. Everyone in the class got 6 numbers - then we moved up to 7... still the whole class. Then he said, "watch the difference when we add just ONE number, there will be a huge drop off." He called out 8 numbers.... we all rushed to write down the numbers. He recalled them to us and asked for a show of hands for those who could remember all 8 numbers in the exact order... There were 3 of us - us, me being included! Out of the whole class. The reason i tell this story is because i'm realizing the gifts the Lord has given me! I think it's so important because it opens your eyes to alot of things. I am a very observant person, and could tell you exactly how a situation went down with almost every detail completely accurate. I can read a book, or study for a test, and recite back to you word for word what is on the page... i can even tell you where the sentence is located on the page, right or left, top or bottom. I can read my bible and then remember reading something, flip through and know what area of the page the verse will be on. I can learn a verse, song, dance, motions and within minutes be able to perform them for you without looking. I can also remember what has happened to you, wether it be devastating or completely amazing! You could tell me your grocery list and i will go to the store and come home with everything on your list. I could list things over and over, but i'm not doing this to boast. I say all of this because i'm growing in my relationship with the Lord and it's bringing me so much excitement to understand and realize certain things... I just feel like i am learning alot. We are given gifts for a reason... to glorify God. Along with those gifts can come weaknesses... like the fact that sometimes having such a good memory i have a really hard time forgiving myself, or moving on from the past. Things seem to get stuck! But through our weaknesses the Lord's strength is proved perfect! When i am weak, then i am strong, God's grace is sufficient to carry me on! (Cedars) I've been thinking alot about this whole memory thing and how i can take that and use it for God's glory. Life is beautiful - with the Lord! It's absolutely beautiful! May we all seek the Lord for Him to reveal to us where He has gifted us and be excited about it! Go out and use that to glorify Him! And may we bring our weaknesses to Him so that He can shine through us!

I heard the kitchen door open, feet crossing the room, the purse landing on the counter, and waited for her reaction!!! She turned the corner into the living room, squinted her eyes, tilted her head, and said, "did you? cook supper? the whole thing?" 'yes' "you mean i don't have to do anything? it's ALL the way done?" 'yes' "o my goodness, I LOVE IT! I come home from work and don't have to worry about a thing!" that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced. Philemon 1:14

Spontaneous acts are the most fun! No one asks you to do anything, you do it because you want to do it, sincerely. Don't you enjoy doing something without being asked to do it? I sure do! It means more! I'm so glad i could make my mothers day today!! I love to see her happy!

Thank you for this day Father! I want to be apart of Your work, i want to find delight in doing Your will! Open me up and reveal to me the things that don't need to be there... bring up the things that do, so that i may glorify You! Change me, take this heart of mine and make it genuine. Help me to love, truly truly love! I'm seeking You Father, reveal Yourself to me... please! I love you!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


lyrics to a song by Natalie Grant - Awaken. this is the chorus and second verse... This is my prayer to the Lord tonight!

Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, Lord
Awaken me.

My soul is longing, my heart is searching
I'm desperate for You to move
Give me a hunger, pull me closer
I'm crying out to you.

Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, Lord

Open my eyes so i can see Your presence dwelling inside...

Awaken my heart
Awaken my soul
Awaken the passion in me.


As you can see i tried to change up my background and well, i got tired of looking through page after page to find one i liked... so i settled with this one. Looks alright i guess?

I got to thinking about how much i've been reading books lately and decided i should set them down for a few days and put God's Word first. I read my bible every morning and most of the time at night before i go to bed, but i just felt convicted. Like i was putting other books before His and getting super interested in them. There was a while when i was reading His word SO much i was just going through book after book.... it was like everytime i heard a sermon i could tell you where it was found because i had read so much the weeks before. I guess that's why i felt so convicted. I got so excited and interested in all these other books that i stopped reading His continually through out the day. Everytime i got free time instead of picking up the Bible, i picked up one of these Christian fiction books. And while i've learned alot from them, i feel the need to pace myself. Maybe i'm just over reacting and freaking out(which is what i do best), but this is what i feel.

I tried to take the kids to the park today and we had to leave because i felt nauseated. The older i get the easier i seem to get sick to my stomach. My poor kids will have to pass up them little tea cups or spinning rides when we go to the Theme Parks. By the time they get here i'll really have some issues with things of that kind. haha! I can't even watch Levi play nintendo, or i get dizzy and start to feel like i'll blow. I don't think it's all games, i just think it's the ones that have races - four wheelers, dirt bikes, skateboards, cars, you know what i'm saying.... Going round and round them tracks, No thanks, Not so much! I think today it was the heat - i just can't take it as much anymore. Or maybe i'm not getting enough sleep? I told them we'd tried tomorrow morning before lunch, that way the sun isn't directly over us. Yeah! We'll see how that one goes!

Do you ever feel like you pray for something in your life OVER and OVER and are continually consumed by it? Because that's where i am right now - i feel so stuck. I know i'm suppose to trust God, put Him first, follow Him and serve Him... but it's like something just feels wrong. I'm really having trouble with some mental issues. I've been trying to deal with some things and admit things from the past to myself, because i thought maybe they were true... but i also know that Satan can make you think you are your past. So how do i know when it's the truth and i need to deal with it and when it's satan flat out lying? I want to resist him, so that i can conquer, but it's like i'm SO stuck. One day i admit ok yes i struggle with that, yes i did that, so where do i go now... then it's like the next i feel the opposite and i dont understand. I am so tired of this consuming me. I got on my face last night beside my bed and cried out to God - desperately! I know i'll make it through this, but i just feel like something is wrong... something isn't settling right inside of me. I have really bad issues with trusting myself - i need the Lord to break through all of this stuff in my mind. Have any wisdom?

I need to go read His word, seek Him right now... I just scared that i'm not going to hear His voice, and i'm going to miss Him.

I need you Father... i need you to bring deliverance and victory so bad... I dont even know what to say right now, but i need you. Show me whatever it is that isn't right within me, so that i can stop. Help me to discern the lies of Satan.... God i need you.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Pool Time!

We decided to have a photo shoot of our time in the pool this afternoon... you will NOT be seeing me in any of these pictures! Here are the kids! Zoey and Levi!!!

Little Levi! It's amazing i even got a picture of him! He told me to tell you hello! He LOVES jumping on this tube and trying to stand without falling over.

Their favorite thing to do is jump onto the big yellow float and glide across the water. They fight over it constantly. This would be them in action!

This is Zoey sitting in the pink chair floaty! She has on her favorite swimsuit! We worked on her backflip today and she eventually did one all by herself! Yay Zoey!

Look at that Love!!

It only lasted for a moment.... Levi is spitting on Zoey and me... gotta cut it short!

The End!

Zoey and Levi wanted to title this entry.... so pool time it is!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Sun, Shopping, Shoes

Mom, Casie, and I decided we were WAY to incredibly white for it being the end of June, so we decided we would all lay out today! We spent about 2 1/2 hours in the pool! Hadn't done that altogether in a while! Casie had already made plans for the night, so mom and i decided to head over to Longview and do a little shopping. She was looking for a shirt to go with a skirt she has had for a while, and i was looking for some accompaniment tracks. Books-a-Million was having a One Day Sale today, so of course we just HAD to stop there. I was talking to Cari last night and she mentioned that it was an awful tease for them to send her that brochure when she aint be gotten the time to come and get more books! We eached mentioned that we are currently in the middle of tons of books at once.... and still need to finish those before we buy more! I didn't hold up on my end of the deal though! I bought 2 new books today! Everytime i go into that store i don't want to leave.... i just keep passing stuff and oooing and awwing! It's like okay let's go now and then i'll start to walk and my eye will get stopped on another book and i just HAVE to stop and read the cover. I need to learn some discipline and self control i guess... haha! I bought another one of Rivers' books because i finished the last one in 5 days, and i also bought another book titled, 'When God Pursues a Woman's Heart.' It's about realizing how much God truly loves you and wants to fulfill all the desires inside your heart, how He pursues us as Women and how we were created... In the opening passage she talks about how so many women are use to medication, treatment, or something that they can FEEL, that they no longer know how to sense God personally. (raise my hand) I am guilty of this in every single area of my life! I remember last summer when i was a sponsor at youth camp, one of the Junior High girls came up to me talking about how she couldn't feel God.... she saw all these other people experiencing Him and she even remembered a time before when she completely FELT Him and she hadnt felt it in a long time. I explained to her if she based her relationship with God on a feeling then she was going to miss Him in so many areas... There are going to be moments when we can feel His presence or what not, but alot of the time it's about Faith and Trust. If we expect to feel Him all the time we are going to miss Him and miss opportunities! It's so easy to know the Truth, especially when you've heard it your whole life, but how do you teach someone to discern the voice of God, to truly know Him, to allow that Truth to actually change you and not just the people around you? Anyways, we'll see how this book goes!

I'm totally a shoe person!!! I was so into shoes that it got to the point where mom told me i had to throw away a pair each time i bought a new one! (that NEVER happened) When i was going off to college i could NOT narrow my shoes down, so i had to take them all! I had this humongous bag which somehow amazingly all my shoes fit into! I got rid of a bunch of them within the past year and actually haven't bought any in a while. I used to buy them everytime i went shopping, but honestly i have gotten to the point to where i won't buy anything unless i KNOW that i have something to wear with it. My mom tends to still think that i have a shoe feddish, but i really don't.... gotten a little wiser i guess you can say! Tonight was a different story though! I bought 3 pairs of shoes tonight.... I KNOW I KNOW! tisk tisk! The great thing is they were each under 10 dollars, i just couldn't pass up the offer! I told my mom it was a reward for not buying shoes in a long time! haha! she laughed!

Well i need to head to bed! i think my dad finally got his computer fixed, so tomorrow i'm going to try and scan some pictures!!! I have some funny ones to show! (well i think they're funny, maybe you won't... o well!) Goodnight folks!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Wore Out! And Worth It!

Well the boys went on the Annual Church Golf Tournament so it's just the girls at home, and actually Casie is still house sitting so it's really just me and mom! Let me just say i am exhausted!!!! I didn't realize how bad out of shape i was... I guess i haven't really been doing motions continually for 3 hours a day since i was in Cheerleading. It's finally hitting my body today. WHOO! We went to walmart tonight and i thought i was going to fall out on the floor.

So i actually had to teach a song today in VBS! I'm talking i had to stand up IN FRONT, be the leader, and TALK! TOTALLY out of my comfort zone. I guess you can say i lack confidence in the whole stepping up area. It's like i see all these people older than me who know so much better than I, or who are qualified in this area and i'm like, "you want me to teach, infront of them? OOO no!" I've just never saw my personality as the teacher type... that's one of the reasons i dropped the whole music major deal. But i sat on the front pew of the church, thanked God for the opportunity and asked Him to carry me through it. What is odd is that last night as i was praying it's like i saw this happening... Is that possible? It's like it almost prepared me for it this morning when i walked in and Ricky gave me the news that i was in control! I think it went alright!

Well Cari just called, gotta go do some searching da web for muh friend! Have a great weekend! Love you all!

Thank you for this week Father, and for carrying me through this morning, it's been so fun! It's been so awesome to see the kids smile each day! I pray for cari and the kids as they travel home, keep them safe and cari awake/alert! Thankyou for the weekend and for rest again! Help me to love, take my heart Father! Make it Yours! Thank you for changing my life!!! Help me to surrender even more! May my satisfaction be in knowing you! I love you!

Thursday, June 19, 2008


I couldn't find anything to blog about tonight... actually struggling with alot of issues in my heart and mind. I read this in Matthew 13:45-46

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.

I remember going to those stores where you can get those cards with the origin and meaning behind your name. I still have one somewhere, but am not sure i could locate it at the moment. Reading these verses tonight reminded me of my name. Megan is of Greek and Welsh Origin. It is the Welsh form of Margaret, meaning Pearl. I decided to google the meaning of names and see if this was accurate. Turns out all the sites said the same thing.
Here are the list of meanings they gave for Megan - Pearl, Great, Mighty, Strong and Capable. First off, i was like oooo Pearl... they're pretty! Then, i was like strong? what does that have to do with a Pearl?
In William Young's - The Shack - he says, 'Pearls are the only precious stone made by pain, suffering and finally, death.' I did a little research to see just how a pearl is made... I'm not sure if i figured it out quite right, but what seems to be is that a pearl is made from an Oyster. A parasite or organism gets into the oyster shell and them through some process (the death of the oyster) a pearl is made. 'a pearl is created spontaneously by nature — without human intervention — or with human aid'. (wikipedia) Can i get a BIG ol' plus on that! My Father in Heaven created me, NO ONE ELSE. And He created me JUST the way He wanted me and intended me to be... and i am precious to Him! I am His Pearl! He even says in His word that I am worth it... worth the price... even death on the cross! Through His death, we have life, and we are His pearls!
A pearl is the only 'gem' the can be worn in its natural form, there is no need of cutting, reshaping or designing. (from I like my findings! God formed me, He created me for a purpose, He has given me specific gifts and abilities so that i can be used by Him, He has given me everything that i need to accomplish what He has called me to do... He is my STRENGTH - in Him i am strong and capable of whatever He calls me to do... through the life that He gives! it isn't neccesary to try and recreate or redesign me. Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God made me exactly how He wanted me. If i seek Him, He will reveal to me His plans and His purpose... In Luke 9:23 Jesus says, "if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For wheover wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." I have to die daily.... to be who God wants me to be... to experience life to the fullest.... and upon dying, i realize that i need a Savior. Death is beautiful - it brings us to the Lord. Death brings strength... but not human strength, strength that comes only from the Lord and His Holy Spirit.
Revelation 21:21 The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. In God's word He explains the gates of Heaven like single Pearls... Jesus says, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6 Is that not amazing? Jesus is the ONLY way we get to Heaven, He is the gate, He is the single Pearl... We have to go through Him... That is SO beautiful to me! God is worth it! It is worth it to die daily just to know Him! But not only is He worth it, He lets us know in His word by how much He loves us, that we are worth it to Him too. We are His pearls of great price!

So here's a little recap : Like this verse in Matthew says - The Lord values us greatly... He went and sold everything and bought us.... how much did it cost? DEATH! Through the Lord's Death we were given Life! He is the ONLY way to Heaven, the Pearly Gate! Pearls are created through death, and we are His pearls! He gave up EVERYTHING and bought us with that ultimate price - Death on the Cross. He created us beautifully and with Him as our strength we are mighty enough to do anything. He is our Pearl - We are His! We should give up everything for Him! He gave up everything for us! We must die today!

We are strong, we are capable, we are beautiful precious stones!

I love you, O LORD, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and i am saved from my enemies. Psalm 18:1-3

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Little Levi.

Something has been on my mind today, because of the date.... I am not able to share what that is at the moment, but one day i will. For God's glory! It won't seem to go away though, and i can't figure out why. Maybe it hasn't been dealt with fully.

I am starting to see Levi as the little kid that he is... some days my patience is running thin and he can be so annoying, but this week i've seen him in a different light. My heart felt different towards him today. We had to run some errands, one of the stops being a shop for Zoey to try on uniforms for school... Levi and I sat on the floor outside her dressing room, waiting to see if we approved of how the shirts fit. I looked over at him sitting on the floor indian style, being completely silent... Something was just different today. When i looked at him, i felt like i loved him and wanted to cry. Next, we went to get my oil changed. With it being a new place for them, they were clinging to my side. We all 3 squished into 2 chairs, Levi sitting in the middle. He looked at me at one point and said, "i'm cold"... i told him to scoot back and i'd block the air, maybe then it'd be warmer! We sat there for about 20 minutes. There was a dog in the waiting room, a big one. Levi wanted to pet it, but was too scared... he said he wanted me to pet it first. I didn't feel like it, but now i regret it.... I could have been apart of the Lord bringing him joy today, just by petting a dog. He just wanted to see that he wouldn't bite, but i was too tired to get up. Levi is usually Mr. take charge, i can do this! He's at the age where he wants to do everything on his own, yet he also wants to copy his older sister. He follows her EVERYWHERE, wants to sit RIGHT next to her, things of that sort. She gets annoyed alot of the time, and doesn't want anything to do with him.... but then there are days when your heart can't help but be softened by what you see. She'll sit with him, her arm around his shoulder, or snuggle up in the same sleeping bag watching a movie.... there are the occasional moments when she will care for him, asking what he'd like to eat.... It's beautiful to see siblings love. I know it has to be hard for her and even annoying, but he loves his older sis and wants her approval so bad. I need to love Levi more, do the activites that he truly takes delight in, no matter how sweaty that might involve me getting. I need to be patient and let him try things on his own, instead of rushing and worrying about what mess he might make. I need to see him for who he is, and approach him that way. He fell asleep today (on accident) while watching a movie...i couldn't help but see the innocence in his face while he was asleep! Children are beautiful when they are sleeping. You realize how much they need you, you feel like you just want to pick them up and hug them, love on them.... I just kept sitting there, glancing over and watching him as he slept. I can't wait to have a child of my own! I love you, even though you don't exist yet, and i pray for you!

Thankyou Father for Levi! Thank you for this opportunity to grow and learn about you. Open my eyes to continue to see you for who you are and what it is that you are teaching me through this job. Help me to love Levi the way that he specifically needs it. Be with him tomorrow as he hangs out with his friends... be with his parents as they raise him. Help them to love him also! I do come to you now praying for my children, you know them even though they aren't concieved yet... prepare me to be the Mother and Woman that they need. Take my heart Father, mold it. I need you, thank you for Life! It's beautiful!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

break my heart.

We had a church softball game last night, as i was sitting there i looked over and noticed this homeless guy. He is always there, someone said he even sleeps on the benches. I've noticed him at all the other games, he will stand behind the dugout and smile and laugh with our guys... it's as if he feels like he's apart of the company! It made me smile one night, to see him laughing!

Last night he walked up to one of our players and asked if he could have some water. The guy said yes, but then realized that we didn't have any cups.... The homeless man immediately stuck his head into the trashcan, digging for something to drink out of. I got my mom's attention and was like mom mom i can't take this.... i turned back and continued to watch him! My heart was breaking so bad i was about to cry, but i stopped the tears. Those kinds of things get to me.... we take for granted the things that we have all too often. This man was completely unashamed and not embaressed... i mean i guess he had no other choice, but still. He found a cup, my brother rinsed it out, then filled it to the top! I looked over to see what he was doing later on and he had pulled 2 nickles out of his pocket and was starring at them like he had found a treasure! I notice these people walking down the street all the time while i'm driving in my air conditioned car, going places that they were probably not even welcomed. There is one lady who walks on campus ALL the time, i started making a point everytime i saw her to wave and smile! One day as i was walking to my May term class i passed her... actually on FOOT! I got nervous and was afraid to say anything, but remembered Whom i was living for! The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40) As i got closer to her, i smiled and asked her how she was doing. She smiled, and said Fine, thanks for asking! It's the moments in life when you are completely nervous and afraid, but your heart knows it's the right thing to's like you're on this thrill ride to be apart of something! I LOVE IT!

I pray for a heart that is genuine, that loves people, and that cares enough to do whatever it takes... i want to truly truly love and care about EVERYONE! I want my heart to break! I want it to be real! I saw this same guy tonight at the game... he was sitting on the bench watching some guys play basketball! You know it probably makes his day just to be around people! We should take this situation with him and be grateful for ALL that we have, even down to the family and friends in our lives! We should be unashamed to admit when we need help! Even though our circumstances may be different than his... it takes courage to admit to others when you are struggling with something and need help, prayer, guidance. And we should LOVE! Even when it's hard!

Love you all!

Monday, June 16, 2008

sleepy sleepy....

Some girls decided to stay over last night, the decision was made around 8 o' clock. I had planned on going to sleep around 10 or so, i knew i would need a good amount of sleep with it being VBS week. Let's just say that did NOT happen! Around 1:10 a.m. i said, "YALL we are going to DIE in the morning... we HAVE to go to sleep!" We all trecked upstairs, but the laughs and conversations continued on for a while in bed. (i believe dilerium had hit a few folks!) This week is a pretty busy week! On top of doing VBS from 9-12 i still have Zoey and Levi in the afternoons... although this week we have an extra kid - Monday through Wednesday we have a 10 year old boy with us, and then Thursday and Friday we have a younger boy joining us. Casie also got asked to house sit for a friend, which means i will be staying the night with her! Mom wasn't too cool with her staying in a house all alone! OOOooo whenever your body is maxed out, and sore, you just crave your own bed.... but that will not be happening this week! O poor pitiful me! haha!

After VBS this morning, the kids and i had lunch, then we watched about an hour of tv! I was about to fall asleep sitting there, so i decided to start putting some people in swimsuits and applying sunscreen. By 2 o' clock we were out the door, and headed to the pool! I was planning on reading while the 3 of them entertained themselves, but i decided to put on my swimsuit in case i got too hot! Good thing i put that thing on!!! Zoey jumped in at one point and china decided to go in with her (on accident)... she was underneath the floaty, paddling for life... i didn't have time to De-flipflop, or unlayer my clothes... so i just jumped in with everything! I know it's not like she's my kid or anything, but in that moment i felt like she was! I was sitting there afterwards, replaying the whole thing and i was like, ' you know what? i never once thought about how cold the water was going to be, never tried to stop and take off my clothes, i just threw down what i was doing and jumped right in. and i was completely calm!' I know that may seem and sound SO stupid, but it made me think about being a mom! There are going to be times, when you just REACT because something is happening to your child, and it was nice to see that (even in this scenario with my dog) i was completely calm about it! I always wonder if i will have what it takes to be a mom! My heart longs to be that, and it's probably going to be a few years before that happens. Ever wonder why God gives you certain desires SO early, but then you feel like it's going to be YEARS until they are fulfilled? GROWTH! I guess that's why... i have so much more growing up and learning to do! But i can't wait! It's going to be beautiful!

The girls that stayed the night were 2 girls from the youth group at church.... we talked for quite a while, voicing our opinion on certain situations/things. I sat there trying to decided what was considered gossip? What was appropriatte to say, and when should you hold your tongue? It wasn't as if we were dogging people, or telling dark hidden secrets that we knew about others... we were simply stating what we thought about situations and how people handled them. But my head, or heart(?), was struggling with it. I just kept wondering if it was wrong.... I prayed for the right things to say, although i know i failed in certain areas. At one point, I encouraged the girls to write a letter to this person, sharing what they would like to see done or changed within 'this' group. It frustrated me to hear some of the things that i heard last night, but i guess that's what the world is coming to. SAD! I love home, i really really do, i like my bed, and i like the comfort here... i LOVE the church i attend, i look forward to seeing certain people every Sunday, and totally embracing the opportunities the Lord has given me... but i do NOT like this town. I don't want to live here when i'm graduated, married, and especially not with my kids. What if the Lord decides He wants me here? I guess i'll have to get my heart right?! I just want to experience other places!!! I'm thinking Washington sounds like a pretty awesome place to live! Never been there, just heard James talk about it over and over.... everytime i see a picture i'll ask him, "is that what Washington is like?" and he says, 'No! Washington is SO much better!" haha - don't know if that one will happen for me though! Seeking the Lord for Guidance!

I love you Father! Thank you for all the kids that came to VBS today, i pray for all of the workers, and everyone who will be attending tomorrow. Prepare our hearts, help us to worship you! We do this all for Your glory and to know You more! Be our strength and rest this week as it is going to be tiring! We need you Father. Direct me in your paths Father... show me where You want me to go! I am waiting on You! Love You!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I Am Not Alone!

I have to go review for VBS, but i wanted to post this video i found today... Natalie Grant singing I am not alone. She has such an amazing voice to go along with this powerful message!! Enjoy!

Be expecting a post full of interesting pictures whenever i can figure out how to work my dad's new scanner!!! Love You!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Update! Update!

Vacation Bible School starts on Monday! Today was decoration day at the church.... everyone was there decorating their classrooms! It gets so exciting to see everything up, it gets you into the mood of VBS! I'm looking forward to this week, it's always so fun to me!

UPDATE! Erin made it to Japan! She has been there for 2 days! I haven't talked to her or anything, but her sister told us that she called and told them she made it! I got on the list to get an email from her with updates on how things are going! I will post some of those whenever the time comes!

I have to babysit at the church tonight, i'm not sure what for though! I don't know what kids i will have, usually if i know the event i can think about what kids are coming.... but she never told me what it was for! With all the vbs decorations up we will have to find something to do that won't mess everything up. I'm not good at planning! :/ I guess we'll just have to see how it goes!

Father i come to you now, thanking you for this opportunity to serve tonight, to be with kids. Help me to have patience and to love them. Help me to give it my all, and to make it fun for them! I need you Father... i need your clarity, your light, your truth.... I'm crying out to you! Please show me Your face! I love you!

me? how and why?

I had yesterday and today off.... honestly, although refreshing, i don't like having nothing to do. Maybe someday i will truly enjoy it, but i guess for now i fear. I'm afraid that i'll go back to doubting, feeling alone, or depressed, or whatever else could possibly take me over. I slept in yesterday, i woke up early, but wouldn't let myself get out of bed. I remember being a teenager and being able to sleep til 1 or 2. My parents always told me i was wasting my day, and ALWAYS let me know how lazy i was whenever i woke up... "Well hello sleeping beauty! You FINALLY decide to get up? Your day is half gone now." Sometimes i just wanted to say, "well not really, i stay up late, the hours of my day are just different than yours... but thank you, you have ruined my day by reassuring me that i'm worthless! haha" No i'm kidding, it was never THAT bad! I just can't seem to sleep in late anymore, but i guess it kind of a good thing! Whenever i think of sleeping in, it takes me back to the many months that i went through depression and taking that stupid medication - i need to get over that crap huh? It just grips me sometimes... not in big areas, but still it's there...

Yesterday i didn't do much, some chores here and there around the house, swam (by myself) for an hour n half, watched tv, and then read. Today was a much better day - in the sense that i had stuff to do. I, once again tried to sleep late, got up spent time with the Lord, did some things around the house, ate lunch with the family, got ready, took China to the Vet, went by the Bank, came home and went over VBS material, then waited on a phone call from a friend. I totally forgot that it was Father's day... for some reason, i thought there was a longer distance between Mothers day and Fathers day - but i guess i was mistaken! I decided i should go tonight and get something for him! I invited my sister, but she had plans with her boyfriend... i let her know that he was welcomed to come, if he wanted, but she said if they went it would have to be a quick trip... they did NOT want to shop around. I, on the otherhand, had some other places i wanted to go. I just wanted to get out. I just wasn't feeling the whole going alone thing, i mean i very well could have, which i usually do, but i just didn't want to today. I called an old friend, a few years younger, to see if she wanted to go... she accepted! We both had things we had to do during the day, so i opted that we make it a 'night trip'.

Now rewind a few weeks... I am HORRIBLE at making friends! I get stuck and comfortable where i am, and i don't like to get out, go through the process of getting to know each other... YOU KNOW!? bad attitude - slap me someone! I was SO shy growing up, i never had to make friends... the friends i had, were family friends that i had grown up with, i dont even remembering having to go through the whole get to know you, get comfortable process. I realized a while back that this is something i DEFINETLY need to work on. The only way we can better know ourselves is by being involved in relationships with others, and the only way to serve the Lord is to get out there and do things - to have friends! I'm trying... i really am! It seemed like for a while no matter how hard i tried, i would make plans or schedule things and then the door would SLAM in my face... i got so frustrated. 'ok Lord... i thought this is what you wanted me to do... i was SO sure that you spoke this to me, but i keep trying and everytime i make plans, something happens and it doesn't work out. What do you want from me?' Those were my thoughts! Nevertheless, one night at church this girl popped in my mind. I continued to think about her, and possibly even prayed about it... i get my thoughts and prayers mixed up - is that normal? anyways! I eventually went up to this girls mom and asked her if she went out much, if she had many friends? She let me know that she didn't do much, sat at home alot, studying or what not... I asked if she would be my friend! haha sounds retarted, i'm SUCH an ackward person! I told her that i don't have any friends, and i'm really trying to make some, and i felt like the Lord put her daughter on my heart.... she told me that her daughter would LOVE to hang out! I went up to her after church, told her the story i had told her mom, and then we switched numbers.

I left church that day feeling very stupid, and thought maybe it was better left unsaid, just a dumb idea on my part.... A few weeks later my mom came home and told me that she ran into this same mom in a store, and that it had meant SO much to her daughter that i would even think to ask her to hang out and be friends. Today as i was making plans to go shopping - i gave into my fears and chose to call this close younger family friend... whom i'd be comfortable with. Mom reminded me over lunch that i had YET to fulfill what i had said to this other girl! I had already felt it that morning.... 'CALL HER!' SOooooo, I did! On my way to the Vet, i called her and let her know the plans... i figured with this other friend with us, it wouldn't be so ackward, and i could halfway be comfortable and myself! Turns out, the Lord had other plans! The family friend called and couldn't make it.... i immediately was, afraid? i guess that's what i was feeling?! I started praying, 'ok Lord, here i am.... i SO need you with this one today, this one is definetly out of my comfort zone.... what are you trying to show me today, what am i suppose to say or do? o my goodness... i'm freaking out, anxiety is creeping in... when will it go away? OK OK Take it one day at a time - I need you to guide me through this day Lord, i'm very nervous and scared.... be with us!'

We survived! Each of us.... each with our VERY shy personalities and insecurities! There was hardly ever silence.... i made sure that questions were constantly being asked, or stories were being told. Thank you Lord for carrying us through our night... even though it seems so small and even ridiculous to freak out about, i thank you. I want you Father, i want you to change me, show me who You want me to be... please God! Be with this friendship! May it be used for Your glory, take it where You want it to go!

As i sit here and type this i am reminded of a Girls Retreat that we had my Senior year of High School. The last night the leaders had a special event planned for us. We went outside, around 9 or 10, with the beautiful dark blue sky and stars above us, and noticed a path leading down towards the pond... there were lights leading the path! When we reached the bottom of the hill, there were blankets spread across the lawn.... The smalls groups each had one leader, with about 4 youth girls... That night our leaders got on their knees and washed our feet.... As they poured water over our toes and wiped them off with a towel that had our theme (tupos - Purpose) written on it, they shared with us what they thought about us each individually! Not only did the leaders share, but we went around the circle and told each other words of encouragement, things we enjoyed about each others, things we admired or so on... This same girl was in my group. I remember sitting there with my feet in this metal pot as this lady washed them, and tears streaming down my face because i felt so unworthy! Not because of her washing my feet, but because of these words that were being spoken about me.... i remember this girl crying, almost as if weeping, as she told me how much she admired me.... it wasn't like she was just saying it to make me feel good, like you hear people do ALL the time, to try and keep you going or fulfill their duty of being a good person... this was sincere and from her heart, and i did NOT understand why! I dont even remember what she said, probably because i was in such shock! But i can't forget that moment. She looked up to me? She admired me? WHY? What in the WORLD had i done, that she looked up to me? If she ONLY knew the things i did with boyfriends.... if she only knew this or that, yet she looked up to me? Did she even know, that i wished i could be as innocent as her? I didn't understand, but i was completely humbled in that moment.... I needed to change my life! I WAS/AM worth it to God, He DID/DOES love me... i didn't/don't have to do those things to be accepted, or be that person to be cool.... Someone actually looked up to me... even though i don't know why, it gives me reason enough to realize that i am important to God! And now - i am trying to pursue a friendship with her... maybe she'll realize she's an idiot and wonder, 'what in the world did i use to see in this chic?' hahaha Or maybe God will completely amaze us at what He has planned... i dont know! But i am searching for Him in this, and i'm going to leave my mind wide open for Him to do wonderful things!

I love you Father!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Sweep Me Away

Father i love your ways... you came in your mercy and died in my place.
All i can do is bow because of your mercy and your soveriegn grace that you sweep me away....
sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters.
sweep me away, sweep me away in your love... where nothing else matters.

tears rolling down my face because of your love and your sweet embrace, peace that just overflows...
it's here that i know, you have been waiting to sweep me away, sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters...
sweep me away, sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters!

nothing else matters.... just you and me!

This is a song on Kari Jobe's site. I heard it about a year ago, and i have loved it ever since. if you visit this page, in the top right corner you can barely see the buttons for the music playing... click to song number 5 and you can listen!


Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Stacy and I were sitting in my brother's room the other night talking. I saw The Purpose Driven Life, Selected Thoughts and Scriptures for the GRADUATE (Rick Warren), sitting on his bookshelf. We each got a copy of this little devotional type book when we were seniors at Church, moving on to the next step in our lives. As a church body, a couple years back, we were encouraged to buy the Purpose Driven Life book... we would read it during the week, speak on it during Sunday school and then our Pastor would bring a sermon on Sunday morning. The book was created to last for 40 days, so we started this little journey. I believe i was a Junior or Senior in high school whenever our church was studying this book. I remember liking it and even lending it to 2 friends to read, but it wasn't a book i would go through again. Atleast right now the desire isn't there! Honestly whenever i got this little devotional book written by Warren, i never even opened the cover. It looked exactly the same as the book, only smaller, and my heart i guess wasn't in the right place.... All of THAT to say, this particular night i got up and flipped open the book to read the first page. I guess i was just curious... Despite my old attidue and feelings toward this book, I haven't forgotten what i read that night - it's stuck in my brain... and not only that but so much has related to those few little sentences on that one page. I know everyone has heard it, but it's again just one of those times where it hit Home and the meaning took ahold of my heart in a different way than it ever has before. Here is what the page said (and i quote):

Contrary to what many popular books, movies, and seminars tell you, you won't discover your life's meaning by looking within yourself. (here is my favorite part... you ready?) You didn't create yourself, so there is no way you can tell yourself what you were created for! You must begin with God, your Creator. It is only in God that we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny.

It is God who directs the lives of his creatures; everyone's life is in his power. Job 12:10

I like, no not like, LOVE the way that it says ' you can't look within yourself ' I have lived too long trying to go through my day and do things on my own... i will have a bad attitude or doubt or whatever... and be like, no megan be nice, you can do this, you can believe this. You can talk to yourself over and over and hope that one day something inside of you will change, but it'll never work... 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, 'And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.' It is ONLY by the power of the Holy Spirit that we can be changed... I love hearing Him called, Creator. and i can't state it any better than Warren did, when he said 'we can't tell ourselves what we were created for.'

A few weeks ago i found this in Acts - The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth.... he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being. (17:24-28)

That one got me the night i read it - i was like seriously? MAN! Our God is Soveriegn, and He is SO in control!!!

I started reading John Piper's, Don't Waste Your Life, yesterday afternoon. In the opening section of the book, this is what he said -

"You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Piper states that he wrote this book to help us taste these words as sweet, instead of bitter or boring. He also says that it was not always plain to him that pursuing God's glory would be virtually the same as pursuing his joy. He believes that millions of people waste their lives because they think these paths are two and not one. I agree with him, i've even been guilty of thinking that.... i mean i guess i knew that there was joy in the Lord (especially serving Him and being apart of furthering His kingdom), but i don't know... I just felt like i wasn't good enough, or no matter how hard i tried i could never reach what these other people were experiencing. i just never let go enough and trusted him to have control of my life.

I sat down and went over one of Beth Moore's, Stepping Up, devotionals for today.... the theme for today was Vain Labor. The main passage we were studying was Psalm 127. This is the passage that says 'unless the Lord build's a house, the builders labor over it in vain...' She took us to many other verses in the bible that confirmed that unless we are working and living for the Lord, EVERYTHING we do is in vain... meaningless... as Ecclesiastes 3:11 says it.

i really find this all exciting because i keep running into all of these passages and they are all linking together. I have to be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit, and nothing else inside of me....The Lord is my Creator, and only He can tell me what He has created me to do.... if i seek Him, He will reveal His plans for my life to me... then I will live out my purpose, glorify Him, and experience His joy! ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! Talk about killing tons of birds with one stone! anything else that i 'try' to do with my life will be in vain, it won't amount to anything. He is the only person who knows the future - He has set it in place (He knows who we'll marry, what job we'll have, where we'll live).... I'm thinking I should call on Him more often for directions!

Once again, i feel super excited about something.... i want to share it, in a way that you will feel the joy and excitement that is inside of me.... but i don't feel like i've done that. I know this is so simple and we've heard it all of our lives, but i love it when you feel like the Lord is speaking something specific to you.... you know the feeling, every book you open reiterates the same thing over and over, or you see the SAME EXACT verse everywhere you look... I love it that we can't run from God. He just hits us from all directions! I'm just excited that i'm seeking the Lord, and i'm seeing Him speak back... i have longed for that for SO long that tears still fill my eyes as i type this.... I want that Voice of Truth so bad! I want to recognize it over anything else in my life... i want to die to myself, and live for Him... i want to find the simple things beautiful... i want less to be more... i want HIM! O i can't express it!!! Life is turning for me, and frankly even though i'm very scared and having a hard time, i am learning what it is to be strengthened in the Lord. I don't believe i have ever been this strong before, but it's not me, it's the Lord... i want more of that! I will make it through this - Malachi 3:10 "Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if i will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."

I love you Lord! You amaze me when you speak... i long for more! Continue to flood my heart with Your desires and Your Truth. Amaze me with who You are, and how you can change even me... I am SO thankful for You and Your goodness! I am learning Father, thanks for not giving up on me! - me. Open my eyes that i may see wonderful things in your law. Psalm 119:18


This is the conversation that took place this morning through text messages...

Brandon: 'i made an A in our class.'
Me, thinking: seriously? he made an A? he had a B going into the final, and i pretty much wrote his paper.... i better have made an A... i had all A's going into this thing... i carried him through this class.. ooooo i will be so angry if he did better than me, i made all the study guides, i attended all the classes, i helped him write his paper..... mmm.
Megan: 'he already posted them?'
Brandon: 'Yeah. see what u made! HEE!'
Megan: 'i'm not around a computer, i'm at the library.'
Brandon: 'O ok :) BRIGGID!'

If you are caught off guard by the weird language that my brother uses.... that's normal! He likes to make up his own words, and create meanings for all of them!

After we left the libray, part of me was wanting to be selfish and drag the kids to my house, just so i could check my grade. I let the urge pass on by though... i held off until 2 when i got off of work. I get home, go straight for the computer, sign into my school account, click on May term, check grades, and this is what i see -

Final Grade: NG

i believe my heart stopped beating.... the only thing i can see that standing for is, no grade. which means either he hasn't posted mine yet, or the dreadful warning that he gave us at the beginning of the semester has come true for me. he said if you plagerized you would automatically FAIL the course... he even warned us of a student last semester whom he asked to drop the course because he just couldn't leave him with an F on his transcript.... so i'm thinking.... what if i forgot to cite one of my quotes, what if i left out a footnote on my paper.... what if, what if? AHH! and he is just being so nice, he's just gonna leave me with a NG instead of an F... o my goodness!

I send Brandon a message back...

Megan: 'mine says NG.'
Brandon: 'O really! MINE TOO LOL! GOTCHA! BRIGGID!'
Megan: 'you are gay.... i was wondering how it was posted that fast. and umm you getting an A?'
Brandon: 'lol BRIGGID!'

I'm so glad that he can take my blunt honesty.... he knows i saved his toosh in that class. and not only that class, but ALL the others that we some how end up enrolling in together. Each semester we have atleast one class together, and it's not even planned. We just walk in, look at each other, and shake our heads. Here we go again!!! His girlfriend always makes fun of him because every class he has ever been in, he's had a friend to help him with the answers for study guides - it's either me, stacy, james, or he makes a buddy! Stacy told him that next semester she was going to be the one to ride in the shade and he could do all the work.... i looked at her and was like umm YEAH, you'll fail! She looked at me and smiled and said, "no actually, it will just be you carrying both of us next semester! haha" I quickly said, "and what if one test i just decide the night before to not do anything? Just get yall back for relying on me all the time." Brandon goes, "yeah, i'll get the answers from you in the morning!" Too bad he's right!!! You know i aint ever going to rely on anyone to find the answers for me, especially not him... i'm too paranoid.... anxiety driven! haha! anyways, i give you credit Brandon, you got me today! Totally got me - i was just about to have a nervous break down....

So the reading club - YEAH! Didn't go over so well! Poor workers! I will have to tell you that story another day!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

being a kid....

I took the kids to Walmart today to get some toys for the pool. I figured since they are going to be the main ones playing with them in the first place, i might as well let them pick them out. There was a pretty good selection, compared to usual memories of the pool aisle at Walmart. As we were walking up to the door, Levi asked if he could ride in the buggy because he was too tired to walk. My first thought was, should a five year old be riding in a buggy? Is he too big? I was kind of annoyed today, so my initial reaction was to say no, but something stopped me. A memory popped in my head - I flashed back to all the times we use to go to the grocery store with mom when we were younger. We used to LOVE riding in the buggy! They had the best buggies, they were just the perfect hieght so you can sit underneath on the little rack thingy. And if i recall correctly, i was definetly older than 5. So we get inside, i pick up Levi, put him in the basket, and off we went! I don't remember the last time i pushed one of those things... but i just acted completely normal and confident as i used all my strength to walk at a normal pace and turn without looking like a weak nerd! haha i'm so retarted!

My wheels got to turnin after the buggy incident.... i started to think back on things that we did as children. I remember those liquid popsicles that you put in the freezer and after 2-3 days they are frozen and you can eat them - they come in 7 delicious colors : yellow, orange, red, pink, purple, blue, and green! Sometimes mom would even let us create our own snow cones or popsicles - we'd get a cup and pour whatever liquid we wanted, yes we even made tea snow cones!!! haha, and then a few days later we'd get a spoon and go to town! My mother used to sit out by the pool and watch as Casie and I would pretend we were professional swimmers. We would flip upside down and put our feet in the air and try to make up routines... you know, you get in the deep water, put your palms on the ground, push up until your legs are above the water, and then you try ever so gracefully to twist until you're completely under water. :) yeah yeah, maybe we're weird! Also, one last quirky thing we did.... My dad used to have a golf cart, we would pretend it was our car and we'd drive ALL over the pasture! We would each plan our dream house and then place it somewhere in the yard, and make imaginery roads to get to each others home. O memories!!! I took a childgrowth and development class this past Spring- it explained alot, and helped to understand why children act the way they do! Especially the whole imaginery pretending stage!

Well, the Reading Club at the Library starts tomorrow morning... Zo and Levi have a doctors appointment in the afternoon, so i'm getting off a few hours early! I'm off to plan out the day...

Thank you Father for reminding me of my childhood, so that i can let Levi be a kid today..... i thank you for so many memories that i seem to so easily forget! Thank you for my parents.... Help me to be aware of what you are trying to teach me through them. Start now preparing me to be the mom that you want me to be. Let the changes inside of me be eternal, and not just swallowed up for today! Be with us tomorrow as we try this new club at the library... carry us through our day. I love You!

cloudy day...

a big storm came through last night.... i sat upstairs in the media room without the tv or anything on. The thunder seemed so loud, it was echoing. Each time i saw the huge flash of lightning come through the blinds, i would lift my shoulders up and wait for the huge boom. It just seemed to rumble extra loud last night, but something about it was so peaceful. To think that the Lord planned each thunder storm, the literal ones, and the physical ones we go through in our lives. It was just so neat to sit there and listen!

The paper is due today.... I'm SO DONE!!! yay! haha anxiety was pretty high yesterday. Everytime i do a paper, i have to go over it like 20 times in my head to make sure that i answered the exact question that was asked and covered ALL the bases and requirements... i finally just gave it up and was like you know what Megan - it's going to be okay!! AHH i'm just super glad that it's done.

I'm taking the kids to see a movie today, since it's gloomy outside. It should be interesting to see how our first experience at the theater goes... hm?

Well, i've gotta go finish getting ready so we can get lunch done, then head to the show! Have a super day!

Father i need you today.... i'm tired, physically and mentally. Please break through all of my walls and everything that is going on in my life... Open my eyes to see you and experience you EVERYDAY! I want to see you for who you are, and experience the intimacy of a relationship with you. Please God! Thank You for today... may i give my all, and live for you! Love - me.

Monday, June 9, 2008

4 years in pictures....

Here is a slideshow of pictures from the past few years.... my senior year of high school until now - my senior year of college!!! It involves family, friends, events, different things like that... I tried to put them in the order that they were taken, but i'm sure there are a few mistakes... It was getting a little long, so i finally stopped adding pictures!!! I'm sure some of your family members, or even YOU yourself will be in some of these pictures! Love!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Louie Giglio - Laminin

I praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:14

For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, wether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:16-17

Nothing can seperate us....

I am going to share what was spoken at church tonight.... i pray that God will use this message as a reminder to all of us.... maybe someone special needs to hear it tonight!

First off a woman shared a song tonight that was taken from this passage in the bible :

Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nore the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

She explained before she sang that she took a trip to the Phillipines one summer and the tradition over there was to have a Life Verse.... not just a favorite verse, but the verse you consider to be your Life Verse... She came home and began to search for one to call her own - and this was the one she came up with! I think we all need a reminder that nothing we ever do, no mistakes we make will seperate us from God. I am so so so thankful for his love and faithfulness!

The pastor got up and spoke on a passage in Hebrews 10. I am not going to go into depth on all that he said, but the main message was about perseverence... nothing you go through, nothing you do, can take away your salvation - but it can take away your confidence. So endure, and persevere!

he closed with this video... i want you to watch it, then i leave you with the same charge that our pastor gave us.

Are you convinced that nothing you do can seperate you from the love of God.... all of your mistakes, fears, brokeness, is meant to bring glory to God... and if you let it He can use you! Wether it be some sin that has taken over your life or some hardship that you have NO control over, but it has happened to you.. whatever it is - the Lord brings victory - and it will NOT seperate us from Him... have confidence and endure! Everyone of us has a testimony and it is SPECIAL and someone needs to specifically hear yours.... If you had to write out your cardboard testimony tonight, what would you say? Maybe some of us need to be awaken to the Lord's goodness and realize what He has done for us, then we will be able to write ours... maybe others are in the complete middle of their cardboard - you have the struggle and the fight you are going through, but will you endure long enough to see the Lord bring victory and complete the other side of your cardbaord. And still there are those of us who have a specific testimony of the Lord's healing power and goodness, and could write it down tonight! If you are a child of God, NOTHING can snatch you out of His hand... He loves you, not because He has to, but because He wants too... He cares THAT much, that He died for you and made it to where NOTHING on this Earth could seperate you from Him. O people let it sink SO deep within you... Fall in love with the Father and allow Him to have complete control in your life! You will NOT regret it! I am in the middle of my fight, and tonight increased my hope even more... i am going to conquer... the harder the battle, the better the victory!!! What is your testimony? - what has happened in your life? - will you step up, endure, persevere, and give your all to Christ?

O Lord, thank you for who you are! Thank you for church families - the body of Christ... Lord it's so beautiful how you bring all of us together, with each of our different past and struggles... yet none of that stuff matters to you, because you are the Healer... Bind us together Father! Help us to step up and share our lives with others so that they may be blessed by You! Like Carlton said this morning, help us to stop making excuses for not being good enough, and realize that through you we can do ANYTHING... we need to step up to the plate and live for you! We need you Father, we love you! Thank you that NOTHING i do can seperate me from you!