struggles

As you can see i tried to change up my background and well, i got tired of looking through page after page to find one i liked... so i settled with this one. Looks alright i guess?

I got to thinking about how much i've been reading books lately and decided i should set them down for a few days and put God's Word first. I read my bible every morning and most of the time at night before i go to bed, but i just felt convicted. Like i was putting other books before His and getting super interested in them. There was a while when i was reading His word SO much i was just going through book after book.... it was like everytime i heard a sermon i could tell you where it was found because i had read so much the weeks before. I guess that's why i felt so convicted. I got so excited and interested in all these other books that i stopped reading His continually through out the day. Everytime i got free time instead of picking up the Bible, i picked up one of these Christian fiction books. And while i've learned alot from them, i feel the need to pace myself. Maybe i'm just over reacting and freaking out(which is what i do best), but this is what i feel.

I tried to take the kids to the park today and we had to leave because i felt nauseated. The older i get the easier i seem to get sick to my stomach. My poor kids will have to pass up them little tea cups or spinning rides when we go to the Theme Parks. By the time they get here i'll really have some issues with things of that kind. haha! I can't even watch Levi play nintendo, or i get dizzy and start to feel like i'll blow. I don't think it's all games, i just think it's the ones that have races - four wheelers, dirt bikes, skateboards, cars, you know what i'm saying.... Going round and round them tracks, No thanks, Not so much! I think today it was the heat - i just can't take it as much anymore. Or maybe i'm not getting enough sleep? I told them we'd tried tomorrow morning before lunch, that way the sun isn't directly over us. Yeah! We'll see how that one goes!

Do you ever feel like you pray for something in your life OVER and OVER and are continually consumed by it? Because that's where i am right now - i feel so stuck. I know i'm suppose to trust God, put Him first, follow Him and serve Him... but it's like something just feels wrong. I'm really having trouble with some mental issues. I've been trying to deal with some things and admit things from the past to myself, because i thought maybe they were true... but i also know that Satan can make you think you are your past. So how do i know when it's the truth and i need to deal with it and when it's satan flat out lying? I want to resist him, so that i can conquer, but it's like i'm SO stuck. One day i admit ok yes i struggle with that, yes i did that, so where do i go now... then it's like the next i feel the opposite and i dont understand. I am so tired of this consuming me. I got on my face last night beside my bed and cried out to God - desperately! I know i'll make it through this, but i just feel like something is wrong... something isn't settling right inside of me. I have really bad issues with trusting myself - i need the Lord to break through all of this stuff in my mind. Have any wisdom?

I need to go read His word, seek Him right now... I just scared that i'm not going to hear His voice, and i'm going to miss Him.

I need you Father... i need you to bring deliverance and victory so bad... I dont even know what to say right now, but i need you. Show me whatever it is that isn't right within me, so that i can stop. Help me to discern the lies of Satan.... God i need you.