Friday, June 27, 2008

opening up.

There isn't technically a limit on how many entries you post each month, but considering there are only 30 days in June and i've posted about 34 entries - i think i've reached my limit! I'm starting to get SO into this blogging stuff. I must pace myself! I really enjoy reading other woman's blogs! I get to see their struggles, their heart, their realizations, their growth, so many things... and i'm only blessed by it! I started this blog about 3 months ago not thinking much of it! I had a friend who blogged and i was always so excited to read hers. She's a very humerous girl and her wisdom always amazed me.

When i first started blogging i was very intimidated, for many reasons -

number one: my grammar is horrible!!! Incase you haven't noticed! All those years of getting on instant messenger, and finding ways to shortcut through text messaging, they have only messed up everything i learned in high school! (plus, i DID graduate from Marshall High - that could explain a lot too! ha!)

number two: i wasn't where i was supposed to be spiritually. I had never given the Lord my whole heart, my everything... i wanted control and i was searching for SO much to fill me up! I knew that getting on here and sharing what i was learning would be a stretch because i did NOT feel wise enough when it came to understanding the scriptures! And it would be plain for everyone to see...

number 3: The month before i joined bloggerville i had decided to end a relationship... ( which was totally the Lord, because i was never brave enough to do it ) I figured it would be a way to fill some time, since i couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore... should have known the Lord had other plans!

You see my whole life, or should i say sense 8th grade, (see does the comma go before or after the or? or is a comma even correct?) i had gone from boy to boy. Now i've only really had about 5 boyfriends, which is probably a TON compared to most people, BUT i always had a guy that i was "talking" too... or on their end, that i was being USED by. They would never seem to accept me as their FULL girlfriend, they'd just talk to me at night time, when they were alone, so that NO one else knew about it... and i let them treat me this way? YES! I don't believe there was EVER a time that i was completely single without a guy calling me, even if it wasn't official bf/gf. I didn't realize then that all the advice the youth ministers and those older than me were giving was actually true. It's not just the physical/sexual things you do with guys that cause you damage, every decision you make towards dating will affect you. I became this needy person that was searching for someone, ANYONE, to accept me. It got to the point to where any guy that would give me attention i was game for. The summer before college i met a guy at youth camp, whom i thought was IT! i mean it just couldn't get any better, WE MET AT YOUTH CAMP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! haha, stupid me! I believed, or 'convinced' myself that he was who i would spend the rest of my earthly days with. I got severely depressed about 2 months into our relationship, but you have to remember this was the same time i was starting my freshman year in college. I went to the doctor and the counselor after my best friend made me go. I had dropped an enormous amount of weight for my size, was not eating, cryng all the time, and just had no desire to do anything. After the counselor and doctor diagnosed me as 'severely depressed' they recommended i get on medication. I talked to my parents and we decided we might as well try! Everyone was filling my head with SO much noise. The doctors, counselors, boyfriend, parents, and friends, were telling me my depression came from being a homebody and just being stressed out from my first year of school, living away from home. They said it was satan trying to ruin me and this guys relationship, because he knew what we could become. I never believed it! I wanted too, but something never let me accept it. See i started having doubts toward this relationship that i was in... i didn't know if i loved him anymore, i couldn't feel anything, i started doubting and freaking out ALL the time.... then my depression came. In my heart i believed, or felt, that my depression came because i had ignored the Lord's voice! I know He wasn't sitting there going, 'You, my daughter, did not listen. So you are going to be punished with this little thing i call depression.' i don't believe He is like that. But i do believe that we can ignore His voice, run far away, then Satan pulls us in and numerous doubty, evil things begin to happen in our life. (Does that make sense?) I know this is a really long story and i'm sorry, but i'm not a short story person! After a year and a half of dating him and continually doubting my feelings towards him we finally broke up. Or should i say fell apart! He very angrily decided we should take a break so that i could figure things out. I WAS FREAKING OUT! How was i going to make it alone? Now a break to me, was a break... to him it was, i am angry, and now i get to see other girls. I was so hurt. I don't blame him though, i put him through so much crap and he stuck beside me the whole time putting up with it. But as soon as he got the guts to let go, it was like his actions didn't match was he had been telling me all those months. It hadn't even been a week and he was with other girls all the time, into all hours of the night, and even exchanging lips with them. I didn't understand. I was so dependent on him and so desperate. I called him and asked him what was up, if he was done with me or if we were still considering this a break... because somewhere down the line our definition of a 'break' was NOT matching up. Anyways, skipping a few things, something horrible happened. My parents began to open up and tell me how they felt. They told me from the outside looking in what they believed was happening. They talked to friends and all came to an agreement. I had been mentally abused and manipulated. To this day i still cannot accept that. I just blame myself. I don't trust myself. It had to be my fault. The day that my parents finally stepped in and ordered that he stay away from me, was the first day he layed a hand on me.... no he didn't hit me... but he grabbed my wrist and got right into my face. My parents said i got out in just the right time. It starts with mental abuse, they manipulate you and pull you in, once they know you're hooked then the physical abuse starts to show...... i don't believe that was what happened. Something just won't let me. Maybe they're right, but i just blame myself. I was the one who drove him insane and he was just angry. This wasn't who he was. Whatever it was, i know now that that's not who i'm supposed to be with. No matter how angry you get with each other, you should never treat each other that way... me towards him, or him towards me. I have to look back at that situation and realize if we had gotten married and something devastating happened, how might he react?

After getting out of that relationship the Lord brought another guy into my life. My years of being in horrible relationships and doing horrible things had ended. For some reason, when i met this guy everything changed. He was the best example of Christ in my life. No one had ever made an impact on my life like he had. When i was with him, i was a better person... he challenged me in my relationship with the Lord. Something was just different. But then the doubts came in that relationship too. I had convinced myself in the relationship before that this "feeling" was the Lord... so this relationship must be wrong too. I hung on with my needy dependent self, thinking that it'd just go away. Finally i got to the point to where i couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do it to THIS guy. I was vulnerable whenever we started hanging out and i was still very needy and looking for acceptance... I needed to care about him, he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be used. (and that's what my head was telling me i was doing... Satan or not, it was there, and it was affecting him) I had to BE SINGLE for once and get myself right with the Lord. I had to go to the only One who could complete me and let Him bring the healing. I had to seek His truth so He could reveal to me wether or not these voices were truth or lies... I thank the Lord for that relationship and how God used it to bring me to my knees. I thank Him for the influence that this guy had on my life. I will remember it forever. It's so odd to me that this ONE person was the ONLY one who for some reason i believed, and changed what i was doing. It had to be the Lord!

I believe i was saved whenever i was younger, but i don't believe i gave my whole heart to the Lord until this situation happened... I am learning to put my faith in the Lord. To trust Him with everything that i have. I am coming to the place where the only true unconditional acceptance lies... and not searching for it everywhere else. I am learning what it means to be in love with Him and to be complete in Him. I had to stop listening to everyone around me, and quiet all the voices inside my head. I am letting my Shepherd show me His voice so that i can recognize Him no matter what difficulties come. No matter how many doubts or voices rise up.... i will be able to hear His and follow where ever He leads me! I'm not sure if those doubts came a few years ago because of Satan, out of my own fear, or if it was because i ran away from the Lord.... but i do know that if i seek Him with all my heart, He will lead me! (not me searching for Him through boys or other people, but searching the LORD for myself - i needed to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him) He will guide me, He will walk with me through every valley and mountain that comes. He will show me the man He has created me to spend the rest of my life glorifying Him with... and if i'm wrong... He will lead me back to this amazing guy who had such an influence on my life. But until then, i am dating the Lover of my soul!

I am sure i probably did a bad job at explaining and i might have even left some things out on accident. And i am sorry if this makes NO sense, you are welcome to ask me ANY questions, no matter how bad they might sound... I regret my past and how i used guys to some how feel complete and accepted, but i am not ashamed to share that with people. The Lord will use it if He chooses too. I didn't plan on this being this long, i didnt even plan on writing on this in the first place.... it just all started pouring out. But now you know a little more about where i am right now in life. Hopefully you will be able to see my journey as i grow through this time, and come to know my Savior. This blog has been like an accountability partner for me. Although i don't do it for acceptance, i look forward too and am so worried about keeping it updated... which keeps me continually seeking my Savior for more answers! It has allowed me to see that the Lord is working in my life. He is molding me. I can go back and read over certain posts to remind myself of these things on the days whenever i feel like i'm stuck in the mud forever. No more searching for worldly things to fill holes inside of me, i am now searching The Potter - The Creator - The One who gives True Life!

I am growing and I am learning! Glad you could be apart of that!

I love you Father. I thank you SOoooo much for bringing me to my knees. I thank you for revealing yourself to me even in the midst of MY mistakes. I thank you for an awesome christian influence, and how you used that to bring me to You. Help me to continue to seek you with ALL of my heart, and to let You reveal to me who you want me to be with and when... and until then i will be patient! i pray for this guy, i lift him up to you! Show us what you want to happen. We love you and need you! Thank you for life!

1 comment:

Mandy said...

I LOVE reading your blog. I find it amazing that we can be at such different places in our lives & still be working on the same things. Several things you have written about this week have been things that I too have been struggling with lately. I only wish that I had begun work on thses things much earlier in my walk with the Lord. I am reassured & comforted to know that I am not the only one struggling with these issues. I'm just not brave enough to blog about it yet!! I hope that writing about it is helpful for you. It has been a blessing for me to follow. Love Ya Girl!