Tuesday, June 3, 2008

His goodness.... it's REAL.

I sat outside on the porch this afternoon (surprise anyone?), praying and thinking about a lot of things. I came inside to get my bible and noticed a Billy Graham special on TV. I sat down and began to watch these people share their testimonies of how God changed their lives... and for the first time in my life... i felt like i understood what they were saying. As i watched joy was overflowing within me, i kept shaking my head 'yes' like they could see me agreeing with them, and my eyes continually filled with tears as each person told their story. I have been struggling the past year with my salvation - i was saved at a very young age, and i dont remember it... and the parts that i do remember of it are completely different than how my parents will tell the story. I know that satan can make us feel like we aren't saved, but i just continually struggled with it. So i have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed over this issue for months now.... The past 2 months i believe are an answer to all those prayers... and tonight was part of it. As i watched that show i realized that something inside of me was completely different and it's not Megan. These people continually talked about how their heart had changed and they were living a 'new life'. I finally feel like i'm there and that i'm not just agreeing because i've heard it my whole life, but i agree because i truly am experiencing His cleansing power in my life. I am realizing how amazing God is and how if you just let go and let Him - you will NEVER regret it. But it takes alot of letting go... letting go of pride, control, comfort, relationships, everything.... and it hurts, but one day healing comes... and you can't help but cry tears of joy - even in your suffering. Something is truly changing inside of me and even though i still don't have a clue what i'm going to be doing in a year, where i will be living, what job i will have, or what ever else you could possibly think to ask me... i'm not afraid. I want to LOVE what i'm doing.... I dont want to just have a job and go everyday waiting for 5 o' clock to get there. I want my heart to be in love with what i'm doing - so i am seeking the Lord more than i have EVER sought Him before... i don't think i ever knew what it MEANT to seek Him... but i am glad that i was able to get to this place of complete brokenness so that He could show me Himself and His goodness. May i NEVER forget it....

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