Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I have to admit that i'm not really having a great day. This whole bringing in the new year with excitement and parties is not happening for me today. When i glance back over my life (and blog) of this past year i don't have good memories. I don't feel happy or even proud of myself. All i see is failure.
I read back over a couple of my entries a few days ago and was so embaressed at who i was, what i said, how i said it.... that i almost deleted this thing altogether.
I'm tired of this junk that is consuming my life, but i seriously do not know what to do about it. I'm praying, i'm trying to keep myself busy, i'm reading His word, i'm trying to love more, i'm trying to make so many changes.... but still these mental issues that need work meet me in bed when the day ends (not to mention any down time that i get during the day). Except i can't put a finger on those issues - i dont know exacxtly what they are, what He is asking me to do about them, how to fix it.... i'm so miserable and i'm just plain tired.
We are having a New Years Eve party tonight so we've been cleaning, cooking, and preparing for that all day. This didn't call for much because we just had a Game Night 3 nights ago. Still mom wanted me to make Hot Sauce for the party. Except i messed up while making it (which never happens because i make it ALLLLL the time). And to make matters worse my mother tried to understand my miscalculations... i will not go into that because my attitude is bringing nothing fruitful right now. I will admit that it was not honoring to my mother - i even raised my voice (and who was i frustrated with?).
Emotionally i'm not ready for people to come over to my house. Mentally i'm also not ready. I'm even more unprepared for the year that is coming... but it's coming whether i'm ready or not. I don't want this next year to pass and me to have the same feelings and attitude about what i've done and who i've been.
Lord, please help me get my heart in a place that is ready and willing to hear whatever it is that You have to say. I don't understand what is going on, what i'm doing wrong, or what You are wanting me to do.... but Lord i need Your help. Please forgive me for the past year and everything that i've done. Please remove everything that hinders me from hearing You. I need You Lord. Help me understand. Reveal to me what changes i need to make. I'm desperate for You. I need Your help to love everyone at this party tonight..... especially my family - everyone being home for the holidays is really starting to get old... please help me fix my attitude, mind, and heart. And forgive me for my funk. I love You! Won't You come?
I hope i haven't added funk to your New Year Celebration.
Have a Happy New Year and enjoy whatever it is that you do this evening! Love you!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Outside my window... the sun is shining through the cracks in the blinds. I'm not sure about the weather i haven't been outside today.
I am thinking... that this is the last daybook post for 2008 - with 2009 right around the corner i am reminded of the fact that it's time to get a job. Finding one has been way harder than i expected.
I am thankful for... the time spent with my handicapped cousin over christmas. I didn't want to leave when it was time to go. He's only 4 years old, but has the best laugh in the world. He was a little shy when we first arrived, but I got down on the floor with him, started grabbing toys, and he opened up. I can't wait to see him again.
From the kitchen... a fridge full of leftovers from Game Night yesterday evening and a dishwasher that needs to be unloaded.
I am wearing... black cami, brown long sleeve t-shirt, blue soffe pants, hair down
I am going... to clean out the vanity in my bedroom and send it out to dad's shop (with all the other junk that needs to go but mom can't get rid of). Then i am going to hang my mirror and figure out something to complete that corner of the room.
I am reading... my new ESV study bible - I LOVE IT!!!
I am hoping... to hear His voice and wisdom - still working on some personal issues.
I am creating... not really "creating" anything - but i do have some ideas for my mother since she wants to remodel the house. I think our house is big enough, I don't think it would be wise to add anymore rooms. Instead i think we need to part with some things that we aren't using - that would open up a ton of the storage rooms that right now are currently holding junk. Then you can fix the rooms to function in whatever way you want - office, music room, scrapbooking room... i just really like logic and wise decisions. No need to spend a ton of money.
I am hearing... the tv which is on the HGTV channel, the fire place, the rocking chair that i'm sitting in squeaking, and mom loading the washing machine.
Around the house... we actually cleaned yesterday, but still there are things that could be done. Laundry is a never ending task, along with dishes. There are towels starring at me from across the room - i am about to get to those.
One of my favorite things... watching people laugh - genuinely laugh. We had so much fun playing games last night and laughing with (at) each other. I love game night! I'm not much of a group person - I can be, but i think it has to be in the right environment. I was in charge of organizing the food last night, planning the games, and even explaining them. Not because anyone asked me, but just because i love doing it. Weird how warped my brain can be (majority of the time)... I'm working on it! I can take charge when certain people aren't around - what is the deal?
A picture thought to share with you... I am on my sister's laptop so let's see what i can find.
Me and Casie at the Bass Pro Shop in Springfield Missourri this past summer. She let me fix her hair that day - i love doing hair, but she never lets me. It always makes my day when she actually lets me mess with it! I'm also a sucker for people playing with my hair... it's so relaxing!
Want to read more Simple Daybooks?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I plan on moving out my vanity in my room and hanging this mirror on the wall - for now it will be my full length dressing mirror instead of walking downstairs to borrow mom's every morning.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
There were shepherds in fields
or atleast this is how the story goes
Woman with child and an inn with no room
born in a manger foretelling a tomb
this is how the story goes
But it's more than a fable
and it's more than a fairy tale
and more than my mind can conceive
I believe the wiseman saw the baby boy the angels called the son of God
Heaven's child, the Great I AM
born to take away my sin through nail pierced hands
Immanuel has come and I believe
Two thousands years still the story lives on
God gift to us sent to Earth wrapped in flesh
His only Son
And the heartbeat of Heaven confounded our wisdom
But it's still the simple truth that sets me free
I believe the wiseman saw the baby boy the angels called the son of God
Heaven's child, the Great I AM
born to take away my sin through nail pierced hands
Immanuel has come and I believe
Precious Child how can it be?
That God's great plan for His story would send you to that lonely tree?
That You would come for one like me?
I believe in a cross
I believe He came for one, He came for all
Heaven's Child became a man
And gave His life for me inspite of all i am....
Christmas lives in me
And I believe
Natalie Grant - I Believe
Happy Birthday Jesus! I love You!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I stole these baskets from my sister's closet. I'd rather have it crammed into a basket than sitting in rows lining the floor of the cabinet. It just looks more organized to me - or so my brain thinks.
And now is when i tell you that we do not need to go to the store for a VERY long time.
15 bottles of perfume, 16 bottles of lotion, 10 containers of shampoo and conditioner, 8 bottles of hair styling products, 5 bottles of face wash, 2 shower gels, 1 pump of foaming anti-bacterial hand wash, biore nose stripes, facial cleansing pads, and oodles of medicine. And this is after i threw most of it away.
I think we're covered for a few months. My savings account will glady appreciate it - MAY IS COMING PEOPLE!!!
As a family you could come together and do this - you could open your gifts and share them with each other outloud... explain your reasoning or why you chose what you have. Or you could choose to do something else with your gifts. I just think there has to be some kind of way to make this a meaningful experience. (i don't know - maybe i'm crazy)
Monday, December 22, 2008
For today... Monday - December 22, 2008
Outside my window... it is dark and very very cold for us Southern people!
I am thinking... that my day spent with Mary was very fun and relaxing. She had to finish some last minute Christmas shopping and i went along for the ride. I cashed a check from a few weeks ago and spent my birthday money from my grandparents. Appearently my birthday check never cleared the bank for two years in a row. She handed me a "Season's Greetings" envelope this weekend and told me Happy Birthday. I should have told her that i clearly do not need this money or i would have realized that i never cashed it..... but it was fun to have a little extra cash to spend on myself this evening.
I am thankful for... conversations with Mary. We kind of speak in 'Seasons' because we're so busy and neither of us pick up the phone to call the other. But no matter how long it's been since we've talked we always manage to pick up right where we left off. And i don't have issues about acceptance with her - it's just one of those friendships that you can't explain.
From the kitchen... mom is creating some delicious treats for her friends as Christmas Presents. There is stuff EVERYWHERE, but i'll be happy to clean it up tomorrow if it's still there. I've been in this cleaning mood for over a week now - and i'm liking it!
I am wearing... Texas A&M sweatshirt and Old Navy Fleece pants. Doesn't that scream warm and comfy!
I am going... to unpack my bag from this weekend whenever i am finished with this post.
I am reading... Dueteronomy still and some other fictional books that i've yet to finish. It's Christmas break maybe i'll have time to read them.
I am hoping... to be okay with myself again. Please pray for me - i'm having trouble praying for myself.
I am creating... i am not creating anything at the moment, but tonight Mary and I roamed all of the craft aisles a Hobby Lobby and my o my.... i did not realize all of the KITS and creative do it yourself things they had in there. I had visions of bonding time with my children. I cannot wait. Did i mention that i really want a family of my own? I'm ready to love my children! Is it possible to love someone that doesn't even exist yet?
I am hearing... dad doing something with the fireplace in the living room.
Around the house... my bathroom and bedroom are still clean - YAY!!! I really am trying to create good healthy habits for myself. (ones that should have been formed a long time ago) There is a ton of laundry that needs to be done, bags that need to be unpacked from this past weekend, presents still yet to be wrapped and those waiting to be opened, and a messy messy kitchen as mentioned above. Mom is finally off from work, Casie is home from School, Brandon is gone having Christmas with a friend this evening, and Dad is watching a movie.
One of my favorite things... i have Bath 'n Body Works on my mind right now because we went there tonight! Within the past year my favorite scents have changed. I now thoroughly enjoy Rainkissed Leaves, Sweet Pea, and Midnight Pomegranite. Especially the shower gel. And for my kitchen sink i would like Kitchen Lemon foaming soap. :) haha!
Did i already mention that i'm ready for my own family? haha!!! LOVE YOU!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I don't have one of those photo editing software things so i opened Paint and was going to fix those horrible evil eyes that i have going on there, but then i felt like that was my PRIDE speaking.... so i decided to leave it the way it actually came out! Sorry if it scares you.
Saturday morning all of the guys - cousins, uncles, nephews, in laws - went to play golf. This year started a new tradition... every year the guys in the family will play golf the Saturday before Christmas. Bonding - don't you love it?
The family was scheduled to be at Mama Billie and Papa Bill's at 2 o' clock in the afternoon.
I took my running shoes because i figured i would have nothing else better to do. I announced in the car on the way over that i brought my shoes so that i could go running. Mom stated that she wanted to go with me - so we set our alarms, got up the next morning, and were getting ready to go. I remind you that she had not planned on running... there was zero preparation for jogging down the street in a foreign town. She did not have clothes to wear so she had to settle for these bright red pajama pants with Mickey heads all over them. Then she had on a navy blue t-shirt that said "Walk with me - God". Zero Make up. Although knowing her she probably ran the hairbrush through her hair a time or two.
When i was in high school i use to cake on the eye make up. You could not miss it. Ever since i've been in college i've done things differently. During the week i hardly even touch my make up bag... on Sundays i throw on mascara and blush and that's it. If you look at my pictures i'm sure you would see that i look 'prettier' (in the world's terms) with all my make up on. Mom mentions it often that she wishes i would wear my make up - "it just brings out your beautiful eyes". It always hit a nerve with me. "This is how God made me... exactly... what is your deal?"
I agree that we should never 'need' our make up (or anything else for that matter). We should be completely comfortable with who we are so that we aren't insecure if we are running late one day and don't have a chance to put on our make up or do our hair. But if it's a health issue... then that's different. And deep down i think that's what mine had turned into - that's why it hurt so bad. I never took/take care of myself anymore... i let my crap consume my life. I've been trying to set my alarm for 9:30 to create good healthy habits and keep myself productive and fruitful. Friday morning i cleaned the house for mom, did laundry, loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, packed, wrapped presents for my brother and then finally had time to squeeze in a shower before we hit the road. I chose not to do my make up because we would be arriving at bed time. I didn't see the point of wearing it in the car for 6 hours to only wash it off when we arrived. When my mother came home i explained to her that i wasn't going to put on my make up since we were going to be stuck in a car all day long. "But we're stopping for supper." (okay? and i care because?)
It is now not an issue of health for me. I am making changes so that i prove this to myself. And it's definetly not because i'm lazy - i clearly was working ALL Friday morning to get things done, not to mention, woke up early when i could have slept in.
All of that is important information for the story... and it makes it SO funny! (and also because short stories do not exist in my life)
I told my mother that it did not matter what she looked like because truly it did not.... but i had to get this moment on camera. We snapped this picture before we headed out the door. She turned her head the other way because she didn't want you to see her no make up face. I told her that was fine - the pants were good enough for me! haha :) i'm so mean! So this picture was the best i could do to capture the event.
We head out the garage and as soon as we turn the corner there stand my cousins :) BWAHAHA!!!! Mom immediately covers her face, "NOOOO. No one is suppose to be here until 2 o' clock. We weren't expecting anyone. I look terrible." They started dying laughing... i already was - not at the way she looks, but because God can really be funny sometimes. We finally break away from them and start "running". I kept giggling and just said "own it".
"walk with me - God... hahahaha because i'll make you run into family members that you only see once a year... with no make up on and bright red mickey pajamas."
I told her that God was SOSOSO funny and that appearently He just wanted her to be comfortable with the way He made her. She laughed! And continued on with her once a year excuse and wanting to look her best.
An hour later we were taking showers, doing hair, make up and all that stuff. While i was in the shower she was doing her make up... i could see her through the glass. She started talking so i listened closer to what she was saying.... in a frustrated frantic voice i heard,
"i forgot my magnifying mirror. I can't see to put on my make up. And i forgot my brush to put on my eye shadow. And i forgot my mascara."
From the shower muffled by running water you hear - "OWN IT" BWAHAHAHHAHA!
I couldn't help but laugh. She knew not to ask me for mascara - i'd probably lie and say that i didn't have any so that she'd have to spend the whole evening like that... completely natural!!! She borrowed Casie's.
"walk with me - God"
He really is funny!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Here we have my dad's family. He is the youngest of four and the only boy. Looks identical to his father, and acts more and more like him the older he gets. You can imagine how much his father expected from him with him being the only boy and all. If you've ever wondered where he gets his strictness from - now you know!
And now we have their mates. (we took every kind of picture you can imagine - starting with Papa Bill and Mama Billie and then adding on to the family until we had everyone, 4 generations, in the picture... i won't show you all of them - don't worry!)
Grandchildren! These are my wonderful cousins (minus one) - we [Brandon, Casie and I] are the youngest of the bunch except for one cousin (in blue) a year younger than casie. Six of the grandchildren are married and have started their own families.... the next picture in line after this one would add in their mates and children, but we'll just stop here.
With the family growing we've had to make some changes for gift exchanging every year. A few years ago we started drawing names out of a hat so that each person only had to buy one gift. It definitely took a load off and eliminated a lot of stress. This year we are trying something new. We are doing Dirty Santa. Once again you are only asked to bring one gift - no gag ones of course! You buy for your gender and write Male or Female on the present. We'll play by the regular rules of the game - first person goes and selects a gift (matching their gender), opens it infront of everyone, then the second person can choose to steal their gift or select another from underneath the tree... all the way down until the last person in the circle.
I'm actually excited about this. I have to admit it was much easier to buy for an unknown female instead of trying to guess what my cousin/aunt/uncle from over 300 miles would enjoy, want, or need this Christmas. It's hard to buy for someone that you only speak to a few times a year. It just seems more practical this way. And i honestly think we may learn more about each other by watching which gifts people fight for and which ones they choose to pass up. It should be a fun bonding experience - one that is MUCH needed.
I cheated. I wrote this a few days ago and scheduled it to go off on the appropriate day. The rest of my dad's family lives in mississippi - pretty much right down the road from each other. They are all very close and familair with each other. We are the Texans who come in once (maybe twice) a year. You can clearly tell that we are outcasts when we have a family get together. He's been working on my heart with this issue for a few weeks now. I've set out to let my guard down and let my family in this year. I will step out of my comfort zone and be loving to these people. Instead of waiting on them to make a move, i will make the initiative. So no computer for a few days - my spare time will be spent trying to love people.
I want a Dan In Real Life family - can anyone say amen?
So with that said - i covet your prayers for this weekend.
What are your family traditions? Do have you any funny exciting stories to share? Do you have a really close family? What kinds of things do you do to bond with your relatives? I would love to hear about it....
And none of them read this blog - in case you are wondering about me spilling my heart!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I FOUND IT!!!
(Excuse how freakishly large my fingers look. )
I tell you what... i emptied that hamper yesterday - TWO TIMES - and did not see it.
Lord, even as silly as this sounds i thank you for helping me find this necklace. You know that i don't need it and it would have been fine if i'd never found it.... but i do thank you! I am reminded of Your goodness and blessings - You are good and give us more than we need! I love You!
I even remember her telling us it was okay to want a guy who was good with money, or attractive or athletic or whatever else.... And that one day we would meet a guy that matched our list - until then we should not settle.
I sit here crying as i type this because to this day i can't make a list.
I mean God gives you the desires of your heart right? So i should be able to spout off all the things that i desire in my husband right?
I haven't been able to forget that day in sunday school. I remember which side of the table i was sitting on, who was sitting next to me, i even remember struggling trying to think of some things to put on my list.... I don't know that i learned anything from that lesson - other than the fact that i'm a complete idiot because i don't know what i want. Ever since that day i've had this negative view of myself - it's like i constantly put pressure on myself to complete this list that supposedly everyone has. I get so upset because i feel like a horrible christian who can't desire Godly things - all because she can't complete this stupid silly list.
It's as if that list is ME... i can't be complete until i find out what i desire.... it's like i need to know what i want so that i know who i am....
I look towards May and freak out because i still don't know what i want in life. What job am i going to enjoy doing? What kind of man do i want? God, why can't i answer anything? Why do i feel like i don't know me or anything that i want in life?
Maybe it's because this life isn't about me.
I wish that were the real true reason that i can't complete my list and i think partially it is, but to give that statement full credit would probably be a lie. I guess growing up in my mind i knew that it didn't matter what i wanted - God knows my needs and i should trust whatever He gives me. (whether it be a job, sickness, school, husband, etc.) But it's like i'm trying to form this Godly list that would please Him because i'm supposed to be "this" person. And i constantly fall short of that "list".
Instead of being so hard on myself what if i just changed the way i viewed it? I came across a woman's testimony tonight and it's really got me thinking....
Maybe i should get to the place to where i can say "God, i don't care anymore... it doesn't matter at all..."
What if i let go of my grip and just said it does not matter what i want. I just want you.
What if i even got to the point to where i was able to say God i accept the fact that you know what i need and that may mean never getting married at all.
What if i gave that empty piece of paper to God and left it for Him to fill.
What if i welcomed whatever He wanted to write down - even if that meant things that i never thought i could enjoy or accept.
What if He chooses the single life for me? What if he's shorter than me? What if he's overwieght? What if he has an illness? What if he's in the military and spends most of his time away from the family? What if we are never able to have kids? What if he passes away early in our marriage?
God it does not matter.... i don't care anymore.... i just want You. What if i could get to the place to where i not only said that sentence, but meant it?
I think it's great that my teacher at the time had desires that she saw the Lord fulfill. He does give us the desires of our hearts and appearently He spoke to her through that.... but that same testimony currently does not hold true for my life. Not because He isn't capable of giving me desires, but because my story and life is different than hers.
I think my life is about surrending anything i could ever want and just letting Him show me what He wants for me. I think my life is about being okay with the past and the mistakes i've made..... yet at the same time believing in His soveriegnty. I think my life is about welcoming whatever comes across my path with complete open arms despite how hard the road might look. I think my life is about being okay with who i am even if i can't give you a description.
I do not know what i want - and it's scary and even hurts.... but i do know that deep down this desire is growing inside of me to be in love with Him and that's all He truly cares about. I should never be so consumed with finding a mate that i can't worship Him. I mean what's the point of marriage if it doesn't bring you closer to Him? What's the point of anything if it doesn't honor Him or leave you longing for Him?
I need to stop looking for all the flashing signs that point to Mr. Right and wait for Him to reveal it to me in His timing. Let go of how it happens, when it happens, what it looks like, how long it lasts.... and just let Him be.
I need to worship the One who is big enough yet small enough to handle all of the details and make the decisions for this area of my life.
What if i gave Him the pen and let Him write the story?
Will You write my love story, Lord? I want to be able to say the sentence to You... i want to welcome whatever You have for me. Please, i beg You to come. Give me eyes, ears, and a heart that recognizes You. You know my struggles - and You are the only One who can save... so please, Lord, i surrender.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Let's just say none of that happened.
I usually get sick around the same exact time each Fall and Spring. The whole lose your voice cold deal that last for weeks and sometimes even months. I was just thinking that i made it through this whole semester without getting sick one time. How odd!
But i thought too soon.... i don't feel good today. I can feel a sore throat coming on and my body is very weak. Maybe i can catch it before it gets too bad.
So i layed in bed til' after 2 AM trying to go to sleep. I got up to clear my throat because i felt like so much saliva was building up in my mouth. And when my alarm went off at 9:30.... you guessed it - i pushed snooze. I didn't get out of bed until one. I was SO tired. I hate sleeping that late - i feel lazy, depressed, immature, and so many other things. That's why i was purposefully trying NOT to do it. I have even been sleeping with my door open for about a week or two now so that i can hear my parents moving around at 7:30-8 in the morning. I am determined to do whatever it takes to bring changes in my life.
Since i slept in... All of my plans got pushed back and i could no longer be productive with my gas and time. Today was my last day to pick up the kids from school so i wanted to give them their Christmas presents. I rushed to Walmart to finish the last little details and get them wrapped so they could open them around 3:30. I felt terrible - it seems so unthoughtful to have to rush something - i just wanted them to feel special and it to go perfectly....
They ended up loving their gifts - i think. And really i had fun planning what to get and picking it out... i just saw it all unfolding differently (but i guess that's life).
The gift they got me was a cross necklace. I abosutely love it! I've been wearing it ever since i got it. I wish i had a picture to show you, but ......
Today i was in the shower and i reached up to grab my hair and realized i still had the necklace on. So trying to be wise i decided i should take it off. I didn't want it to get wet. I took it off very carefully and layed it in the basket on top of my dirty clothes next to the tub. Whenever i got out of the shower water had somehow escaped through the shower curtain and was running all over the floor. So i reached and grabbed the hand towel out of the bottom of the basket and started soaking up the water. After that i grabbed my towel out of the basket, started drying off, and threw my dirty clothes in the hamper. Then proceeded to get ready for the day. Casie took a shower about an hour after me and then we headed out the door to run errands. When i got home from work at 5 i realized that i never picked up my necklace from the basket..... i was in such a hurry that i totally forgot. It's no where to be seen people. I have searched EVERY WHERE - and now images of the beautiful necklace going down the drain are filling my mind. I don't know what else would have happened to it. I'm so mad at myself.
I keep saying "Lord, you know i really like that necklace and they spent money to buy it for me... i feel terrible. I can't find it... what exactly am i suppose to be learning from this? :) "
There may be absolutely nothing to learn - i'm just being silly. You see i'm really hard on myself - i get upset at the things i do (no matter how small). I don't know what my deal is. I just want to be a good person and be the best at what i do. I'm tired of feeling ignorant and immature.
Just know this - i am determined to break some old habits that i have.... and this little cold that is coming on and incident with losing my necklace today - it will NOT get me down. I can blame myself, forgive myself, be okay with it and then move on. So i'm off to make my To Do list for tomorrow...
As Natalie Grant would say, "I will not be moved!"
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I cooked supper the past two nights.... I forgot how much i loved it. Not that i'm good or anything, but more of the productive organized mom feel of it. I cannot wait to have a family. The desire seems to grow more everytime i clean, cook, organize, decorate, plan.... but i'm learning to wait on Him. We had an awesome time together last night - aren't the best moments spent in private with Him? Do you feel the same way? No one is watching, you can completely be yourself and worship Him - hopefully one day my humaness will get out of the way in public. I know it's a mental deal - i just need to learn how to conquer it.
Now that i'm out of school i've made a bad habit of staying up til midnight or later. Which then cuts into my day because i sleep in the next morning. It's now 11:30 - i need to get going. I should probably take some medicine too - i feel a sore throat coming on. Sorry for the boring post. Hope you have a fantastic day!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Outside my window... i haven't been outside yet today, but my boss called and told me it was way too cold for the children to play today. Fine by me - i love being inside. I did reach up and open the window enough to see that the wind is blowing like crazy.
I am thinking... that i really love a clean house. I love to organize, but can't ever seem to keep it that way. Ever since i cleaned last Thursday i have been picking up after myself each time i get through with something. If only it could become a habit - now that would make life SO much easier!!!!!
I am thankful for... church friends. I love my church family - one of the only things i love about this town.
From the kitchen... dishes are every where, the counters are piled full of junk, and the table is covered in scrapbooking paper, pictures, and christmas cards. I guess i should get on that when i get done here.
I am wearing... black cami, long sheet navy blue t-shirt, black trash bag shorts (i don't know the proper name, i've always called them trash bag shorts) I so don't match, but who's checking?
I am going... to clean the kitchen as soon as i get finished here and then pick the kids up from school at 3 o' clock.
I am reading... Deuteronomy and other Simple Woman Daybooks this morning.
I am hoping... to find a job for the Spring (and even longer than that if it be His will) and to have joy and peace in that.
I am creating... can't' really think of anything that i'm creating at the moment. I'm really not a creative person - i pretend and like to think that i am.
I am hearing... the television from downstairs - Casie is watching 7th Heaven. Other than that my computer!
Around the house... my bedroom and bathroom are tidy, fresh, and clean. Are you tired of hearing me say that? And i must say i have been a candle burning freak over the weekend. I LOVE candles... especially this creme brulee one that Cari gave me! Yummy! I even went to walmart and picked up a few more! This will definitely be a regular on my grocery list.
One of my favorite things... laughter! There's nothing like a deep belly laugh that almost brings tears to your eyes. I've laughed so much lately - i didn't realize how much i'd missed it - when i truly laugh i feel like me again. And that brings peace.
A few plans for the rest of the week... babysitting monday and wednesday, choir party on Wednesday evening, and heading to Mississippi to have Christmas with dad's side of the family on Friday. I'm working on finding something productive to do with the rest of my days - they are empty. Call me if you need anything! :)
A picture thought to share with you... Get your guns up!!!!
Casie has become a huge Tech fan - now that her boyfriend attends there! This was taken at her Christmas Concert last week for Jordan - Go Raiders!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Hadassah, Me, and Hannah at Mcalisters
O yeah... Hannah was Jane Blonde in our Children's musical last week - dad yelled her name across the auditorium this morning and she turned and i snapped this picture of her.... as soon as i took it dad said, "jane... jane blonde." HAHA! sorry - it was funny to me!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Two Names You Go By: Megan and Shmeg
Things You Are Wearing Right Now: blue jeans, grey t-shirt
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment: to feel wise and mature, and to have peace
Two people who you look up to: James Walker and Angela Thomas
Two things you did last night: Adult Choir practice and watched a defensive driving video with a friend
Two things you ate yesterday: Taco Soup and toasted ham n cheese sandwhich
Two people you last talked to: Brandon and Dr. Johnson
Two Things you're doing tomorrow: cooking and babysitting
Two longest car rides: Texas to Florida, Texas to Chicago
Favorite Holidays : Christmas and Thanksgiving
Favorite Vacations : Disney World
Last trip: Branson this past summer
Two favorite beverages: Dr Pepper, Sweet Tea
Everyone has already been tagged and i know they do not desire to be tagged again.... so it ends here!
Monday, December 8, 2008
For Today.... Monday, December 8th, 2008
Outside my window... it is dark. I don't think i've ever done a daybook this late.
I am thinking... that computers in general are addictive. I signed back onto my old facebook account (did you know that when you delete your account it doesn't really delete it?) this afternoon to send a messege to a girl at school. I needed to apologize to her and it was the only way i knew to contact her. I couldn't see any fruit coming from facebook so i deleted it back in March - getting back on there today was totally weird.
I am thankful for... my mistakes - only because they are opportunities to learn. Did you know that i'm a terrible babysitter? I make children cry. I don't know if i'm cut out to be a mother :( . Although, i do feel like i got to a childs heart today. I found it - i believe it's the only way to truly discipline someone - find what gets their heart... you'll know when you've hit it. It not only got to him, but it reached mine also - then we bonded. All was well afterwards! We even exchanged hugs!
From the kitchen... the counters are pretty messy, but that's nothing new. The dishwasher was loaded this afternoon, i'm not sure if it's been unloaded yet.
I am wearing... 2005 NCAA National Championship UT t-shirt, black comfy pants, socks, and pony tail.
I am going... to bed in a few minutes. I need to get an early start tomorrow morning so that i can finish my take home final before 4 o' clock. Morning is not my friend. Calling it a struggle would be an understatement.
I am reading... study guide after study guide after study guide.
I am hoping... to pass all my finals (and classes also) and find some kind of job for next semester. Peace - that's more of what i want - to feel like i've made the right decision about what to do next.
I am creating... some gifts for friends.
I am hearing... the tv from down the hallway and my computer hum once again.
Around the house... my parents are sleeping, stacy and brandon are doing who knows what - studying? YEAH RIGHT!
One of my favorite things... feeling strong and capable. I don't get that feeling very often - and that's only my fault. Insecurities stink - especially ones that you never knew existed.
A few plans for the rest of the week... finals, babysit, adult choir rehearsal, and a friend is staying over this weekend - so weird.
Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... this is Lauren Talley - you may have heard of The Talley Trio? Last semester we attended their concert and got our picture taken with Lauren!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Choreography : Megan (I even got my own little name and title on the program) And i tell you that because of this next story....
A mother of a child that was in the Wee Praise (4-5 year old choir) came up to me after the performance and said this.... wait for it, it's pretty funny!!!
"Kendal, what does Miss Megan do in choir? Does she teach you?"
"No, mom. She doesn't talk. She just uses her hands."
HILARIOUS!! That is too funny! Before i walked away i bent down and asked her what she was in the Manger Scene.... she answered, "An Angel". Then looked at her mother with a big smile - SHE DOES TALK!
I am currently at the library - dad's computer has some kind of sickness... poor thing won't even turn on. He unplugged it when the storm came through a few nights ago so that it wouldn't get electricuted (it's happened before) and now, despite his efforts to be safe and wise, it won't come on at all. WEIRD? So here i sit printing off study guides and powerpoints for the week of finals that lies ahead of me. I have to wait about a minute inbetween each print job..... so since i'm a people watcher i've been using my free time to glance at the hundreds of classmates that walk past me. I don't know any of them - how sad? I'm a senior at this school and i've recognized 4 faces while i've been sitting here. Truly sad. Well, my pages have successfully printed so i am heading out the door.... we'll finish this at home.
I haven't been doing so hot for a while now. I put on a big smiley face at church because i'm tired of feeling selfish and like all i ever talk about are my problems..... but this here is my blog and my place - so i want to be transparent. I want to have the freedom to speak about my insecurities, weaknesses, fears, and just plain ol' stinkin crud. And i also want you to know that i welcome whatever you have to say. I need people in my life who are not going to be afraid to tell me the truth or to let me know that something isn't right. Is that not what we are suppose to do for each other? So i apologize for being ignorant and struggling with the same things over and over.... but please feel free to speak your heart and/or mind.
I read back over a few of my older posts Friday night and got so angry (frustrated, upset, etc) with myself. Over and over i read about these 'changes' that i was supposedly going to make in my life.... how i was going to fight harder than i ever had before and conquer this stuff that is consuming me.... and here i am drowning farther in it than i ever imagined or thought possible. I don't even know how to pray about it anymore.
I've realized over the past few days that i don't think i have much courage or faith in myself. I've never really pursued anything. I've never dreamed about something and thought that i could become it. I've never signed up for a position or job that i really wanted.
Being the choreographer in choir is the first time that i've ever truly done anything..... the first time that i had to get up infront of a group of people (without using my singing voice or my looks, because that's all i ever felt like i had in high school) and teach or somewhat have a job. It was the first time that i really fought my fears in a healthy (productive?) way. I was so nervous about being up infront of those kids and those older women. I'm so not smart enough.... i just feel ignorant infront of these people.... i wasn't even sure if it was where God wanted me when i was asked to help out. But for some odd reason i went for it. I was so afraid of messing up or being lazy or ignorant or whatever that i worked harder than i probably ever have. I pushed all of my insecurities back and got up there and believed that He could use me and i could actually do something. (i'm such a nerd i'm sitting here balling me eyes out) I know this may sound totally self centered, but i am proud of myself. I've been so down and angry with who i am for the longest time now.... but this is one area where i feel like i did my job with everything that i had in me - i just went with whatever came to me knowing that everyone could think it was dumb or totally hate it. I knew that i needed growth and this was a place to start..... and i loved it! I can't express how fun it was for me!
So thank you, Lord, for all that you are doing through this choir - even in my life. Thank you for Cari and how much she means to me. She will never know how much it meant for her to ask me to help. Bless her life Lord. Thank you for Melanie and Becky and all that they do to make choir happen. I lift them up to you this evening. It's so neat to see all of these women with different gifts come together and make something happen. I've enjoyed spending Sunday evenings with them and i can't wait to get to know them more!
We Love You!!!!
Friday, December 5, 2008
After dinner we went on an adventure to check out Santa's Workshop. The kids got to make a sled - which meant they got a piece of wood that looked somewhat like a sleigh, four wheels, four nails, and a hammer. I think you get the idea. Hammer in your wheels and you've made yourself a car. Then they had this table where you could (quote, unquote) "paint" your sled (with markers). Both of them decided to pass up on that little opportunity, so here we are with these wonderful wooden sleds.
We came back to the house so the kids could watch Drake and Josh's Christmas movie on Nick. I made cocoa for them to enjoy while watching the show. (really working on this trying to be a sweet babysitter deal) While they were glued to the screen i tried to work through some plans for the opening song on our children's christmas musical. We have rehearsal in the morning and HAVE to get it figured out and nailed down. I'm kind of worried about it, but pretending (and trying) to look like i know what i'm doing. It could be a terrible disaster!
Also, i have worked on making a few changes to my schedule next semester. O, yes i forgot to tell you what "happened" to my transcript this week. When i transferred a lot of my classes from my previous school did not come with me..... well they came, but as electives - not what they really stand for. This is one of the reasons i changed my major. I was going to have to redo a ton of my music classes. You would think 2 colleges that are "sister" schools would be able to transfer courses, but no, it doesn't work that way. When you reach your senior year they send out all these emails telling you to check your degree audit to make sure that EVERY COURSE that you need for GRADUATION has been completed. I had completed everything except for my 39 upper level hours. When the Fall 2008 semester was over i would have 30 upper level hours completed - leaving me (do the math) 9 hours left to take in the Spring.
For some reason i got an email giving me permission to register myself for the upcoming semester. This doesn't happen all the time - it's kind of odd. I've gotten this email before, but never had enough faith to do it myself because i know how colleges can be. Mistakes happen all the time.... you know. I decided to go for it this semester, but had my advisor double check my work.
I checked, checked, checked, and checked over my degree audit many times to make sure i was adding all of my hours up correctly. My advisor looked at my transcript (instead of my degree audit) and said that instead of 9 hours i needed 10 upper level hours. Something about one of my OBU classes not counting full credit.
ANYWAYS - to make the story shorter.... he sent my degree audit and/or transcript to some head person at the school to triple check our work. What happened then?
Somehow mysteriously i now need 12 upper level hours to complete everything for Graduation in May. TWELVE? DO WHAT? I'm just wondering how 2 people missed calculated... i checked, my advisor checked, and we were only an hour off from each other - BUT we were looking at 2 seperate documents - then a HEAD person checks and extra hours get taken away... i don't get it.
Immediately after i got the email i logged onto Campus Connect to see what happened.... and yes, one of my upper level courses had been DELETED or REMOVED - which ever word you prefer. You think i'm lying? I am totally not. This kind of thing happened to my brother and some other people i know - all of us going to the same school. That's the reason i was hesitant about completing my registration on my own.
I don't understand.
I haven't mentioned this to my parents because i don't think it will do any good. I can hear my father now... "I swear. They are after money. That's all they want. That's why i didn't go to school. Too many rules and...."
It's not really a big deal to me (even though i'm blogging about it). I've never been one to get upset about things like this. Ask my dad - growing up he always got so angry because i never stood up for myself - well, i'm doing it again. It takes a lot to get to me angry. I just think it's funny that once again something magically happens right before a student is about to graduate.
Well, i'm about to put the kids to bed so i've gotta go. Hope you have a great evening!
Thank you Father for a productive evening that kept me busy. I love You.
I don't think i'm a good babysitter. It makes me realize how important it is to have a mother and father present in a home. You simply can't do it all by yourself. Or atleast i can't - and i'm not even a parent yet. But i also think i'm realizing how little faith i have in myself. I'm not doing so hot emotionally or mentally right now. It's very draining..... i won't share all of that right now.
My Christmas shopping is done! It's seems really really early compared to years past. But i feel relieved to get it out of the way.
Here is my dad's new favorite question for everyone he comes in contact with....
Today was the last day of classes. All i have left to do is study for and then take finals next week. Since i'm nearing graduation and about to get out into (what most people would call) the 'Real World' i've been thinking about things i wish i could go back and do differently - or i guess a better way to word that would be, "what i will do different with my children."
I will have to post that later.... Zo and Levi just got here! Have a great night! Sorry for the boring post.
Lord, i need you. You know everything that is going on inside of me better than i or anyone else could ever understand. Please be with us tonight. Help me to be patient and loving despite my emotions. I need your help, Father. I love You.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The concert was also amazing! You would think with my love for music that i would be a big concert person, but honestly i'm not really a concert-goer. I think growing up i was selfish and it was all about me, so i never cared to watch anyone else sing or perform. Then when i got in college i had to attend 25-35 concerts a semester (the boring ones) and so i got burnt out or something. Thankfully i've grown a lot since both of those incidents. But even still haven't been to many concerts within the past 2 years. But last night was great! Beyond great!
His presence was there.... i felt like i could sense his Real-ness. Do you know what i mean? To think that the Word became flesh - HERE ON EARTH. To think that He walked on this same earth that i walk on.... only many years earlier. And to know that He is REAL. And get this - coming back one day for people like me and you! That same God who was here a long long time ago... He is coming back one day. I can't grasp it..... MAN!
Mark Hall has a book out called Lifesong.... i believe that's the title of it. And it tells the story behind each of his songs. Ever since i heard his heart, perspective, and passion for life I can't help but like him and his music. Once again, a genuine person - my gosh it just speaks volumes to me.
Watching them sing to our Father in heaven and encourage others across this huge arena to do the same increased the desire in my heart. It made me want to do it even more for the rest of my life. That would be so much fun!
Well i need to go to sleep, gotta get up at 7 in the morning... and i can't hit snooze. But i leave you with the lyrics to one of Casting Crowns songs. Enjoy!
Oh little town of Bethlehem
Oh Bethlehem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
Oh little town of Jerusalem
Jerusalem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
United States of America
America, what will we miss while we are sleeping
United States of America
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Outside my window... the sun is shining and the wind is blowing like madness. It was very cold when i left for church this morning.
I am thinking... only 2 weeks left - this final stretch is killing me.
I am thankful for... my relationship with Jesus Christ. Even though at times it feels chaotic and crazy i am falling more in love with Him everyday. I don't want it to end.
From the kitchen... There are many delicious sweet treats - cookies, milk duds, Andees Mints, M&M's, and turtles. Enough to gain some weight over the Holidays.
I am wearing... actually - i was trying to take a nap, but my tummy was hurting so i decided i would blog since i couldn't sleep. With that said, i am wearing my "jammies".
I am going... to church in about 3 hours. One week until The Mystery of the Manger Christmas Musical. It's also 5th Sunday Sing and mom scheduled the family to sing - I'll have to sneak in and sneak right back out to be with MP3.
I am reading... the same thing as last week. School kind of messes up with your reading huh? I did get a little more "fun" reading done over the break. Nothing forced!
I am hoping... that when i sit down to work on this paper tonight it'll all just start flowing. I don't know that i've ever had this much trouble writing a paper. What is my deal?
I am creating... christmas gift list for friends and family, a book shelf for my bedroom, some decorations for the Holidays.
I am hearing... it's always really quite when i do these post - i feel like my answer is always the same. Simply the hum of my computer and the wind blowing outside. Crazy crazy wind. Reminds me of that Babes in Toyland movie - have you seen that? It was one of my favorites growing up.
Around the house... Casie is napping, Brandon has gone to change a flat tire on his car, not sure what mom and dad are doing - maybe napping also? And all the Christmas decorations are finally up and done with. Mom met her goal of getting them up in time to enjoy this year.
One of my favorite things... seeing someone genuinely worshipping the Lord. I love an honest pure heart. It has this domino affect that pushes and challenges others to evaluate themselves.
A few plans for the rest of the week... are you ready for this?
Monday - research paper due, Babysit, Casting Crowns/Natalie Grant/Avalon/etc Christmas Concert
Tuesday - Christian Missions Project and Presentation Due, Decorating for MP3 with Cari
Wednesday - Calender project due for Youth Ministry, babysit, Adult Choir
Thursday - a regular school day, MP3 Mystery of the Manger rehearsal
Friday - school, babysit, and a FREE night to get a jump start on studying for Finals, oh and babysit a little more (i almost forgot)
Saturday - MP3 Dress Rehearsal
Sunday - church and MP3 Presents The Mystery of The Manger Christmas Musical
Then it's Finals week and school will be over for a whole MONTH!
Here is a picture thought i am sharing with you...
China had to be house trained when we first got her. She was barely 3 months old. Poor thing got shut off in the kitchen. She would often sit there with her nose through the holes peeking at all the fun that was going on the living room without her. Now isn't that cute?
More Simple Daybooks...
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I HATE PAPERS. ESPECIALLY RESEARCH PAPERS.
I have been working on one for about an hour and there are SO many stinkin' little rules that you have to follow that i'm not even to the actual paper yet. I am such a baby. This kind of stuff literally makes me cry. I know that seems ridiculous but i'm being honest. It's like i have to just let it out then i can get over it and make myself get on with the work.
I am such a baby when it comes to this stuff that i often calculate my average and see how much damage it would do to my grade. If i didn't do this Research Paper at all i would make an 85 in the class because of all my test grades - 100, 100, 105, 105 and then the Final in 2 weeks. Is it bad that i would even consider not doing it at all?
That's who i am. I give up when it causes tension or asks too much of me. I don't want to do it.... (clearly an unbiblical attitude)
"Just think, this time next year you'll be done with all the studying, papers, and projects. You'll never have to do it again." Mom
Can i just say Amen to that. That is the ONLY thing that i am looking forward to about graduation. I don't mind working on things and being productive. I very well can do it, but i can't stand when it's forced. My heart has some huge desires and i'll sit down and work hard on things that mean something to me, but this junk... no, thank you.
I am so worried about graduation in May. Only because i don't like to be alone. It scares me. And because it scares me, i guess deep down i've always just felt like God would do that to me. In my mind it's like i see Him choosing the one thing that i don't want.... being single and alone when May gets here. Like it really makes me angry when there are these couples who are engaged or married and they are fretting about graduation coming up. I'm like shut it - atleast you have someone to come home to after work. Atleast you know that you aren't alone in making your decision. Atleast you have someone to talk to about your problems and.... AHH can you tell i'm upset?
I am so not ready for Graduation. Where am i going to go? What am i going to do?
I just want to have my own family and that'd make me happy. I've never cared about a job or what i'd be doing. And now that i have to face that reality in less than 6 months all by myself i'm freaking out.
God, i'm so emotional and afraid right now. I want to graduate because i'm tired of school, but really i'm so not ready for graduation. I'm so immature, young, and still don't have a clue where to go. God, what do i do? I need You so bad right now. I love You, i really really do, but could you please be small enough for my human mind to grasp a little bit of what You are speaking to me right now. I'm tired Lord. Please help me finish this paper, i know that seems like a silly request but i don't feel smart enough or strong enough to do it. God i'm desperate for You.