I remember sitting at the table in Sunday School around eleventh grade surrounded by many other girls from my church. Our teacher was speaking to us about finding a mate. We were each given a piece of paper and were told to list out the qualities that we wanted in our future husband. She even had this testimony to go along with the lesson. She made a list at some point in her life and would check off everything on her list with each guy she dated. But it never failed, something was always left on the list. No guy could ever meet everything that she wanted - until she met her husband. She knew after two weeks that she was going to marry this guy because she was able to check off everything on her list. Nothing was left without a mark beside it.
I even remember her telling us it was okay to want a guy who was good with money, or attractive or athletic or whatever else.... And that one day we would meet a guy that matched our list - until then we should not settle.
I sit here crying as i type this because to this day i can't make a list.
I mean God gives you the desires of your heart right? So i should be able to spout off all the things that i desire in my husband right?
I haven't been able to forget that day in sunday school. I remember which side of the table i was sitting on, who was sitting next to me, i even remember struggling trying to think of some things to put on my list.... I don't know that i learned anything from that lesson - other than the fact that i'm a complete idiot because i don't know what i want. Ever since that day i've had this negative view of myself - it's like i constantly put pressure on myself to complete this list that supposedly everyone has. I get so upset because i feel like a horrible christian who can't desire Godly things - all because she can't complete this stupid silly list.
It's as if that list is ME... i can't be complete until i find out what i desire.... it's like i need to know what i want so that i know who i am....
I look towards May and freak out because i still don't know what i want in life. What job am i going to enjoy doing? What kind of man do i want? God, why can't i answer anything? Why do i feel like i don't know me or anything that i want in life?
Maybe it's because this life isn't about me.
I wish that were the real true reason that i can't complete my list and i think partially it is, but to give that statement full credit would probably be a lie. I guess growing up in my mind i knew that it didn't matter what i wanted - God knows my needs and i should trust whatever He gives me. (whether it be a job, sickness, school, husband, etc.) But it's like i'm trying to form this Godly list that would please Him because i'm supposed to be "this" person. And i constantly fall short of that "list".
Instead of being so hard on myself what if i just changed the way i viewed it? I came across a woman's testimony tonight and it's really got me thinking....
Maybe i should get to the place to where i can say "God, i don't care anymore... it doesn't matter at all..."
What if i let go of my grip and just said it does not matter what i want. I just want you.
What if i even got to the point to where i was able to say God i accept the fact that you know what i need and that may mean never getting married at all.
What if i gave that empty piece of paper to God and left it for Him to fill.
What if i welcomed whatever He wanted to write down - even if that meant things that i never thought i could enjoy or accept.
What if He chooses the single life for me? What if he's shorter than me? What if he's overwieght? What if he has an illness? What if he's in the military and spends most of his time away from the family? What if we are never able to have kids? What if he passes away early in our marriage?
God it does not matter.... i don't care anymore.... i just want You. What if i could get to the place to where i not only said that sentence, but meant it?
I think it's great that my teacher at the time had desires that she saw the Lord fulfill. He does give us the desires of our hearts and appearently He spoke to her through that.... but that same testimony currently does not hold true for my life. Not because He isn't capable of giving me desires, but because my story and life is different than hers.
I think my life is about surrending anything i could ever want and just letting Him show me what He wants for me. I think my life is about being okay with the past and the mistakes i've made..... yet at the same time believing in His soveriegnty. I think my life is about welcoming whatever comes across my path with complete open arms despite how hard the road might look. I think my life is about being okay with who i am even if i can't give you a description.
I do not know what i want - and it's scary and even hurts.... but i do know that deep down this desire is growing inside of me to be in love with Him and that's all He truly cares about. I should never be so consumed with finding a mate that i can't worship Him. I mean what's the point of marriage if it doesn't bring you closer to Him? What's the point of anything if it doesn't honor Him or leave you longing for Him?
I need to stop looking for all the flashing signs that point to Mr. Right and wait for Him to reveal it to me in His timing. Let go of how it happens, when it happens, what it looks like, how long it lasts.... and just let Him be.
I need to worship the One who is big enough yet small enough to handle all of the details and make the decisions for this area of my life.
What if i gave Him the pen and let Him write the story?
Will You write my love story, Lord? I want to be able to say the sentence to You... i want to welcome whatever You have for me. Please, i beg You to come. Give me eyes, ears, and a heart that recognizes You. You know my struggles - and You are the only One who can save... so please, Lord, i surrender.