Choreography : Megan (I even got my own little name and title on the program) And i tell you that because of this next story....
A mother of a child that was in the Wee Praise (4-5 year old choir) came up to me after the performance and said this.... wait for it, it's pretty funny!!!
"Kendal, what does Miss Megan do in choir? Does she teach you?"
"No, mom. She doesn't talk. She just uses her hands."
HILARIOUS!! That is too funny! Before i walked away i bent down and asked her what she was in the Manger Scene.... she answered, "An Angel". Then looked at her mother with a big smile - SHE DOES TALK!
I am currently at the library - dad's computer has some kind of sickness... poor thing won't even turn on. He unplugged it when the storm came through a few nights ago so that it wouldn't get electricuted (it's happened before) and now, despite his efforts to be safe and wise, it won't come on at all. WEIRD? So here i sit printing off study guides and powerpoints for the week of finals that lies ahead of me. I have to wait about a minute inbetween each print job..... so since i'm a people watcher i've been using my free time to glance at the hundreds of classmates that walk past me. I don't know any of them - how sad? I'm a senior at this school and i've recognized 4 faces while i've been sitting here. Truly sad. Well, my pages have successfully printed so i am heading out the door.... we'll finish this at home.
I haven't been doing so hot for a while now. I put on a big smiley face at church because i'm tired of feeling selfish and like all i ever talk about are my problems..... but this here is my blog and my place - so i want to be transparent. I want to have the freedom to speak about my insecurities, weaknesses, fears, and just plain ol' stinkin crud. And i also want you to know that i welcome whatever you have to say. I need people in my life who are not going to be afraid to tell me the truth or to let me know that something isn't right. Is that not what we are suppose to do for each other? So i apologize for being ignorant and struggling with the same things over and over.... but please feel free to speak your heart and/or mind.
I read back over a few of my older posts Friday night and got so angry (frustrated, upset, etc) with myself. Over and over i read about these 'changes' that i was supposedly going to make in my life.... how i was going to fight harder than i ever had before and conquer this stuff that is consuming me.... and here i am drowning farther in it than i ever imagined or thought possible. I don't even know how to pray about it anymore.
I've realized over the past few days that i don't think i have much courage or faith in myself. I've never really pursued anything. I've never dreamed about something and thought that i could become it. I've never signed up for a position or job that i really wanted.
Being the choreographer in choir is the first time that i've ever truly done anything..... the first time that i had to get up infront of a group of people (without using my singing voice or my looks, because that's all i ever felt like i had in high school) and teach or somewhat have a job. It was the first time that i really fought my fears in a healthy (productive?) way. I was so nervous about being up infront of those kids and those older women. I'm so not smart enough.... i just feel ignorant infront of these people.... i wasn't even sure if it was where God wanted me when i was asked to help out. But for some odd reason i went for it. I was so afraid of messing up or being lazy or ignorant or whatever that i worked harder than i probably ever have. I pushed all of my insecurities back and got up there and believed that He could use me and i could actually do something. (i'm such a nerd i'm sitting here balling me eyes out) I know this may sound totally self centered, but i am proud of myself. I've been so down and angry with who i am for the longest time now.... but this is one area where i feel like i did my job with everything that i had in me - i just went with whatever came to me knowing that everyone could think it was dumb or totally hate it. I knew that i needed growth and this was a place to start..... and i loved it! I can't express how fun it was for me!
So thank you, Lord, for all that you are doing through this choir - even in my life. Thank you for Cari and how much she means to me. She will never know how much it meant for her to ask me to help. Bless her life Lord. Thank you for Melanie and Becky and all that they do to make choir happen. I lift them up to you this evening. It's so neat to see all of these women with different gifts come together and make something happen. I've enjoyed spending Sunday evenings with them and i can't wait to get to know them more!
We Love You!!!!