This is the time of year where everyone looks back on the past 12 months and makes all kinds of new resolutions for the coming year. I'm not sure i've ever really been one to make New Year resolutions and i'm positive that even if i did i probably would fail at completing them.
I have to admit that i'm not really having a great day. This whole bringing in the new year with excitement and parties is not happening for me today. When i glance back over my life (and blog) of this past year i don't have good memories. I don't feel happy or even proud of myself. All i see is failure.
I read back over a couple of my entries a few days ago and was so embaressed at who i was, what i said, how i said it.... that i almost deleted this thing altogether.
I'm tired of this junk that is consuming my life, but i seriously do not know what to do about it. I'm praying, i'm trying to keep myself busy, i'm reading His word, i'm trying to love more, i'm trying to make so many changes.... but still these mental issues that need work meet me in bed when the day ends (not to mention any down time that i get during the day). Except i can't put a finger on those issues - i dont know exacxtly what they are, what He is asking me to do about them, how to fix it.... i'm so miserable and i'm just plain tired.
We are having a New Years Eve party tonight so we've been cleaning, cooking, and preparing for that all day. This didn't call for much because we just had a Game Night 3 nights ago. Still mom wanted me to make Hot Sauce for the party. Except i messed up while making it (which never happens because i make it ALLLLL the time). And to make matters worse my mother tried to understand my miscalculations... i will not go into that because my attitude is bringing nothing fruitful right now. I will admit that it was not honoring to my mother - i even raised my voice (and who was i frustrated with?).
Emotionally i'm not ready for people to come over to my house. Mentally i'm also not ready. I'm even more unprepared for the year that is coming... but it's coming whether i'm ready or not. I don't want this next year to pass and me to have the same feelings and attitude about what i've done and who i've been.
Lord, please help me get my heart in a place that is ready and willing to hear whatever it is that You have to say. I don't understand what is going on, what i'm doing wrong, or what You are wanting me to do.... but Lord i need Your help. Please forgive me for the past year and everything that i've done. Please remove everything that hinders me from hearing You. I need You Lord. Help me understand. Reveal to me what changes i need to make. I'm desperate for You. I need Your help to love everyone at this party tonight..... especially my family - everyone being home for the holidays is really starting to get old... please help me fix my attitude, mind, and heart. And forgive me for my funk. I love You! Won't You come?
I hope i haven't added funk to your New Year Celebration.
Have a Happy New Year and enjoy whatever it is that you do this evening! Love you!