Sunday, November 30, 2008
Outside my window... the sun is shining and the wind is blowing like madness. It was very cold when i left for church this morning.
I am thinking... only 2 weeks left - this final stretch is killing me.
I am thankful for... my relationship with Jesus Christ. Even though at times it feels chaotic and crazy i am falling more in love with Him everyday. I don't want it to end.
From the kitchen... There are many delicious sweet treats - cookies, milk duds, Andees Mints, M&M's, and turtles. Enough to gain some weight over the Holidays.
I am wearing... actually - i was trying to take a nap, but my tummy was hurting so i decided i would blog since i couldn't sleep. With that said, i am wearing my "jammies".
I am going... to church in about 3 hours. One week until The Mystery of the Manger Christmas Musical. It's also 5th Sunday Sing and mom scheduled the family to sing - I'll have to sneak in and sneak right back out to be with MP3.
I am reading... the same thing as last week. School kind of messes up with your reading huh? I did get a little more "fun" reading done over the break. Nothing forced!
I am hoping... that when i sit down to work on this paper tonight it'll all just start flowing. I don't know that i've ever had this much trouble writing a paper. What is my deal?
I am creating... christmas gift list for friends and family, a book shelf for my bedroom, some decorations for the Holidays.
I am hearing... it's always really quite when i do these post - i feel like my answer is always the same. Simply the hum of my computer and the wind blowing outside. Crazy crazy wind. Reminds me of that Babes in Toyland movie - have you seen that? It was one of my favorites growing up.
Around the house... Casie is napping, Brandon has gone to change a flat tire on his car, not sure what mom and dad are doing - maybe napping also? And all the Christmas decorations are finally up and done with. Mom met her goal of getting them up in time to enjoy this year.
One of my favorite things... seeing someone genuinely worshipping the Lord. I love an honest pure heart. It has this domino affect that pushes and challenges others to evaluate themselves.
A few plans for the rest of the week... are you ready for this?
Monday - research paper due, Babysit, Casting Crowns/Natalie Grant/Avalon/etc Christmas Concert
Tuesday - Christian Missions Project and Presentation Due, Decorating for MP3 with Cari
Wednesday - Calender project due for Youth Ministry, babysit, Adult Choir
Thursday - a regular school day, MP3 Mystery of the Manger rehearsal
Friday - school, babysit, and a FREE night to get a jump start on studying for Finals, oh and babysit a little more (i almost forgot)
Saturday - MP3 Dress Rehearsal
Sunday - church and MP3 Presents The Mystery of The Manger Christmas Musical
Then it's Finals week and school will be over for a whole MONTH!
Here is a picture thought i am sharing with you...
China had to be house trained when we first got her. She was barely 3 months old. Poor thing got shut off in the kitchen. She would often sit there with her nose through the holes peeking at all the fun that was going on the living room without her. Now isn't that cute?
More Simple Daybooks...
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I HATE PAPERS. ESPECIALLY RESEARCH PAPERS.
I have been working on one for about an hour and there are SO many stinkin' little rules that you have to follow that i'm not even to the actual paper yet. I am such a baby. This kind of stuff literally makes me cry. I know that seems ridiculous but i'm being honest. It's like i have to just let it out then i can get over it and make myself get on with the work.
I am such a baby when it comes to this stuff that i often calculate my average and see how much damage it would do to my grade. If i didn't do this Research Paper at all i would make an 85 in the class because of all my test grades - 100, 100, 105, 105 and then the Final in 2 weeks. Is it bad that i would even consider not doing it at all?
That's who i am. I give up when it causes tension or asks too much of me. I don't want to do it.... (clearly an unbiblical attitude)
"Just think, this time next year you'll be done with all the studying, papers, and projects. You'll never have to do it again." Mom
Can i just say Amen to that. That is the ONLY thing that i am looking forward to about graduation. I don't mind working on things and being productive. I very well can do it, but i can't stand when it's forced. My heart has some huge desires and i'll sit down and work hard on things that mean something to me, but this junk... no, thank you.
I am so worried about graduation in May. Only because i don't like to be alone. It scares me. And because it scares me, i guess deep down i've always just felt like God would do that to me. In my mind it's like i see Him choosing the one thing that i don't want.... being single and alone when May gets here. Like it really makes me angry when there are these couples who are engaged or married and they are fretting about graduation coming up. I'm like shut it - atleast you have someone to come home to after work. Atleast you know that you aren't alone in making your decision. Atleast you have someone to talk to about your problems and.... AHH can you tell i'm upset?
I am so not ready for Graduation. Where am i going to go? What am i going to do?
I just want to have my own family and that'd make me happy. I've never cared about a job or what i'd be doing. And now that i have to face that reality in less than 6 months all by myself i'm freaking out.
God, i'm so emotional and afraid right now. I want to graduate because i'm tired of school, but really i'm so not ready for graduation. I'm so immature, young, and still don't have a clue where to go. God, what do i do? I need You so bad right now. I love You, i really really do, but could you please be small enough for my human mind to grasp a little bit of what You are speaking to me right now. I'm tired Lord. Please help me finish this paper, i know that seems like a silly request but i don't feel smart enough or strong enough to do it. God i'm desperate for You.
Friday, November 28, 2008
So i slept in until ..... yeah. Then i got up and worked on 2 projects that i have due this next week in school. Mom came home around 3 from some in town shopping she had been doing. She was itching for a trip to Hobby Lobby. Some creative ideas were forming in her head and when that happens, there aint no waiting..... it's gosta happen right then.
I printed off my coupons i get through email and gave them to her. She was THRILLED! But now that i think about it - we didn't even end up using them. We totally forgot. How silly are we?
She expressed that she really didn't want to go alone. So i finished up what i was working on, threw some clothes on, and went with her. We had a wonderful time. Well at first it kind of started off slow, but then something happened at we both got the giggles and were being incredibly silly. It was really a fun mother/daughter time. I'm glad i decided to go despite what i felt.
So we spent entirely too much money at Hobby Lobby AGAIN.... remember how i told you it's a dangerous place? It really is! But the trip wasn't all bad. We got the Christmas shopping for the Grandparents on both sides all finished. Just making our way down the list of things to do.
We also got a few other gifts.
For Christmas on my dad's side of the family we are doing Dirty Santa this year. Honestly, it's kind of been more of a relief than years past. Why you ask? Well, because you don't have to think about a person that lives 500 miles away whom you hardly ever see and try to guess what they enjoy, want, or need for Christmas. You simply buy a feminine (or whatever sex you are) gift and then we'll play the Dirty Santa game. You'll probably find out more about people through this game than trying to guess what they want for Christmas. You'll see what they fight for and what totally gets ignored. It ought to be interesting.
You know.... this is probalby the best thing that has happened to our (extended) family. This little Dirty Santa game. We live hundred of miles a part and when we come together for Christmas it's not fun. Sorry, but it's not. I'm not in touch with my cousins, i'm not close to my relatives like i dream and wish it could be. So maybe this is PERFECT. We'll have to sit by each other, we'll have to STAY until everyone has gotten a gift and played the game, we'll have to laugh and talk.
I love the idea of a big family. Playing games, sharing stories, loving each other, wanting to spend time together, crying together, praying, learning things about each other, being goofy..... Like Dan in Real Life. I want a family like that. A family that all crams into one house for a weekend and doesn't turn on a single tv, but instead finds things to do together. I WANT THAT. A big happy family. They don't come easily though. It takes work, but i know it's possible.
Anywho - maybe this'll be good for us. More interactive!
Is it bad that i'm already bored with my bathroom? Because if i were honest i'd have to say that i am. This decorating stuff, I LOVE IT, but it's too much for me. It's like i have to stare at it for a few days to realize if i like it. And if i don't then i'll move it to another spot or try something new. It's all Cari's fault you know? She sent me a picture of her amazingly cute bathroom. And so now i'm bored with mine.
Well i think i've been bored for a while because i can't find a curtain that hits the spot and i have yet to finish the room with the tub and toilet. There is SO much brown in there it is driving me insane.
Soooooo.... i've been thinking. I might throw in a lime greenish color. Here is a towel that we amazingly already had in our home to match the previous bathroom decor. You know what that means - F R E E !!!
I got some round ornaments, different sized boxes, wrapping paper, ribbon, cinnamon pine cones, and a tray to get festive for the holidays. I'm trying to be creative - so you'll have to wait and see what i make! I figured since my bedroom and bathroom are kind of in the middle of make overs i might as well decorate for the Holidays in there. Maybe it'll get me in the season!!! As if i need that? I'll let you know how those projects go. I could end up hating them too.
Have you ever watched Janette Oke's films or read her novels? I've started watching the Love Comes Softly series and i must say it is very very good. Maybe i'll watch the next movie tomorrow.... as soon as i'm done writing my research paper that is :) !
Alright, well there is my day. Nothing too fancy! How was yours? Do you dare go out shopping on this crazy day?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Today turned out to be such a beautiful day....
The Kilgore Family - Thanksgiving 2008
We could atleast act like we love each other.
No, really we're practicing our pose for the cover to our next CD. Yeah, right. Now, let's try this again....
Of course, pictures with the Grandparents.
Enjoyed a little of this....
attempted to take one of these as a family....
mom and i made this...
and i brought this...
(left over from the night before)
we sat out here and took advantage of the nice weather...
I read this
while the rest of the family watched this....
and China did this
Well, actually, the flash was a little too bright, so she did this....
and i've neglected too much of this...
Time to get back to work.
I said this 12 times. You annoyed yet?
(did you go back and count all of those?)
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
So i didn't handle my words and body language exactly as i had wished, but i tried to fix them as soon as i realized how i was acting. My heart was being softened as we continued on. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that i didn't love my parents/family like i should have. That i didn't accept who they were (even the annoying parts that seem to have no logic). All of those things are apart of who they are and makes them unique. And i am called to love them despite whether or not it meshes with me and MY WAY of doing things.
One thing i really enjoy are decorations for the Holidays. Christmas lights are so pretty to me. And the garland, christmas tree, stockings, wrapped presents, and yummy desserts. There are millions of people across the world who do not have the chance to experience a lighted christmas. We are so blessed to live in America. We take for granted so many little things - like our Christmas traditions. Yeah, they may be time consuming, frustrating, painful, etc. But it's always a pay off when you are done and get to enjoy all of your hard work. I pray that we will be more patient and thankful as we continue on with our traditions through out this Holiday season. There are those who never get the chance (in their lifetime) to experience all that we do (in one season).
But i also pray that we don't forget the real reason for the season. It's not about our traditions as a country or as a family... (although, we can and should be thankful for them.) Sometimes we get so used to living in America and having so much that we focus our time, energy, money, and hearts into things that don't matter at all. So i pray that we won't get so focused in on getting everything done perfectly, but instead pay attention to what really matters. Holidays can be stressful - there is no doubt about that! I pray we slow down and enjoy it this year.
Father, i thank you for the chance to experience a lighted Christmas. I thank you for the many traditions that we have. May they never become routine for us, but truly an enjoyable growing experience. Thank you for working on me and making me aware of where i need to change. May my heart be willing and ready to accept change. Be my motivation and strength - i need You. I love You.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I have felt extremely exhausted the past few days. I don't know what my deal is. Maybe it's the fact that i've had to be at "work" at 7:30 and stayed up too late the night(s) before. Whatever it is, i feel physically and emotionally drained more than usual.
I experienced a taste of what it feels like to be a parent yesterday. I had to put my foot down and punish Levi, which is extremely hard on certain days. When it's not your child it's difficult to know exactly what to do to reach them. I had to focus really hard on my patience and determination yesterday.
I felt like a mean babysitter. His friends came over to ask if he could play and i had to tell them no. I went back into his bedroom to talk with him just to make sure that he knew what was going on and that i did indeed love him. When i cracked the door open i could see him starring out the window as he watched his friends playing and laughing outside. It was like his whole countenance changed from anger and rebellion to broken. It was as if you could see his body drooping once he realized that he wasn't going to get to play with them. He looked so upset.... and i was only looking at the back of him. I shut the door as tears literally started to form in my eyes. I stood in the hallway praying and realizing that being a parent has to be extremely hard. I asked for help with my future children - especially the first time i have to discipline them and feel like a mean mom.
I squatted down to his eye level and had a talk with him. As i was leaving his bedroom i stopped and said, "I love you, Levi." I didn't want a reply.... i wanted him to know that i really do. He is only 5. Some days i see myself and realize that i'm being extremely hard and maybe even expecting too much from him. I need to calm down and be patient with him. I'm just struggling trying to find the right balance between discipline and giving attention.
I am thankful for the opportunity to work with children - even though it is difficult, tiring, draining, and overwhelming at times. I know that He is only preparing me for the future. I am learning things (most of the time through my mistakes) through this job that i wouldn't be able to learn in an office or at any other work place.
And i am thankful for that.
Lord, i am sorry that i get impatient, lazy, and annoyed sometimes when i'm babysitting. I thank you that i am aware of my mistakes and that there is always room for growth. Thank you so much for this experience. I would rather learn how to love, teach, and raise children than be payed higher bucks. Take my heart. I want Your desires. I want a heart like Yours. I lift up the Stovall's to you - thank you for the opportunity to be a part of their lives. I love You.
Monday, November 24, 2008
At MP3 rehearsal Sunday night there was a little girl on the front row crying. I squatted down infront of her and asked if she would like a drink of water. We took a walk down the children's hallway and used the fountain in that building. On the way over i asked if something was wrong. She started crying a little harder and then eventually mumbled out these words....
"I just can't sing like everyone else."
This is one of those moments where you want all of the right words to say. You want it to stick and mean something to her. You want to get the point across to her, but at the same time speak love and not just try to sound sweet and comforting.
I am usually not good at things like this. I want to be, but i try too hard and ruin the moment.
"Did you know that God made you that way on purpose? He did not make a mistake when He created you. And He wants you to sing anyway, and to even have fun while you're doing it. So you don't worry about it. You just go in there and have fun okay?"
The rest of the rehearsal i had anxiety... God, did i say the right thing? What if i didn't get the point across to her? Please let that take root and make sense to her. She's a child, but i know it's possible for her to understand.
That moment was meant for me too.... Isn't it funny how He works that way? It was like i felt her emotions in that moment. It was so neat. I wanted to love her, i wanted her to sing to the top of her lungs despite what others thought or how she felt about herself. It made me realize how precious the gift of singing is.... how truly blessed i am to have this gift.
Music is a big part of my life and family. It has been a battle for years. I never want it to be about me - i never want my pride to swell up or to perform for the sake of performing. (I had my moments back in high school and it makes me so angry now to look back on.) I genuinely want to worship the Lord. And i struggle on a daily basis to fight back the voices in my mind. I never want to take my voice for granted.
Have you ever really sat back and thought about yourself? I did not get a say in what my voice would sound like (speaking or singing). I didn't get to choose my hair color. If my nose was pointed or rounded. If my foot would grow to a size 8 or stay a size 5 for the rest of my life. He made each of us uniquely and if we try to be someone else we are ruining the surprise for everyone else.
I didn't get to choose what my voice would sound like. It is never okay for me to take credit for it. It's not mine to begin with. I am His, all i have is His. This is His voice and by singing to the best of my ability i'm simply giving back to Him what already belongs to Him.
There are so many people who only wish they could have the talent and gifts that you have. May we never forget how truly blessed we are. And never try to be anyone else.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:14
Praise Him. Give thanks to Him today for the way He made you and the person He created you to be.
I do thank you, Lord, for the gifts you have given me. Soften my heart even more. I am Yours, uniquely made for Your purposes. That's so neat to me. May i only use my voice to glorify You. And may i embrace who You made me to be instead of trying to be everyone else. Your favor is what i desire - i am here to please You and no one else. I love You.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
We took the passage in 2 Kings where Naaman was cured of his leprosy. The main point of the message was that we often miss God's blessings because of our pride or because things don't happen the way we think they should. Which was the case for Naaman. Elisha sent a messenger that told him to go dip himself in the Jordan River seven times and then he would be healed. He was angry and refused to listen to the directions that were given him. The Aman river and Pharpar river were much better than the Jordan.... and sending a messenger? Elisha couldn't come out and say it to him personally?
Naaman expected some big powerful waving of the arms experience where he would instantly be healed of his leprosy. Something big and amazing. But what he got instead was something simple... something that took action on his part... and something that took time. He would have missed the blessing of being healed of his skin disease if he had not let go of his pride and acted on the directions that were given him.
I'm convinced that we are guilty of the same thing. We try to do things on our terms. We think we know exactly how something should go down. We try to convince Him of what we need - which is incredibly silly considering that He created us. I wonder how many times we have missed blessings because we either weren't obedient, our pride got in the way, we didn't have faith, or we expected something big when he wanted to do it in a simple way that took a little more time and action on our part.
I am currently learning this RIGHT NOW, but will refrain from going into details at the moment.
My prayer for myself (and you also if you'd like) is that i will be able to accept what the Lord has planned for me. That I will believe that His words are trustworthy and true. And that i will step out in faith. The best measure of faith is when it is followed by action. When the Holy Spirit asks you to do something, it requires - faith, obedience, change, and action. But not on our terms. I don't know about you, but i don't want to miss the blessings simply because i think my plan is better or because of silly pride.
I need to trust. I need to have more faith. I need to make changes. I need to be obedient. I need to take the time to fight.... to not give in so easily. I realized this week that i had convinced myself that i was defeated. We are never defeated (with Christ). We just have to trust that He is at work within us... we have to keep on pressing on when we don't feel like we can give anything else.
We have to be more dedicated, more determined, more focused, more patient, and more hard working. He wants my all. Yes, He is powerful enough to wave His arms, snap His fingers and wash away all that is consuming my mind and conquering my life. And we praise His name for that. But that may not be the way that He wants to bring the healing.
He is growing us into maturity - where we don't lack anything but look more like Him. The only way to do that is through suffering through some things. But He promises blessings on the other side - blessings that you cannot buy if you wanted to.
Don't miss them.
With it being Thanksgiving week i challenged my girls to pray for the Lord to open their eyes to see the little blessings, the simple unexpected ones that we don't even recognize. Our preacher mentioned today that we get so accustomed to our everyday lives and posessions that we don't even recognize when something is a blessing. SO TRUE. I wanted to try and think of a way to dwell on all the Lord has blessed me with. (especially since i told my sunday school girls to do it - i don't like to require something of someone if i am not doing it also... it seems hypocritical)
So..... i have decided that each post this week will be focused on the many blessings in my life. If i set this goal i will be paying attention to everything that is going on through out my day. I will be looking for them.
Angie, had a wonderful teachable moment with her daughter this weekend (related to being thankful). She minored in English and is very gifted at writing... you should definetly click on over and read her post instead of me explaining it to you.
I don't feel like this post flows smoothly, but i refuse to get all twisted up about it. I love you all! And i hope you have a truly fantastic week.
I love You, Lord. Thank You for simply being You.... i'm sorry that i allow my pride to get in the way. Thank you for forgiveness. Will you open my eyes to see how much it cost you? To be full of gratitude. To be overwhelmed by You. That's where i want to be.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
If you are thinking it's kind of early to start pulling out the Christmas Decorations.... well, i'm feeling you. But she did have some fairly good reasons involved.
Last January we got new tvs which meant we had to get a new entertainment center to hold the one for the living room. The entertainment center we had been using for many years was hand made by my grandfather. It had tons of storage space, but no cubby holes or shelves for decorations.
So this was reason number one for our trip to Longview. It has been 10 months that we've had to stare at those empty shelves.... it's about time we bought something to fill up the space and make it pretty.
The second reason she had for wanting to decorate was because she invited some folks over for the Tech/OU game. I guess it was important for her to have decorations up for these people???
And third... Christmas break is always super busy for her. By the time she pulls out all her christmas decor it's time to pack it back up. "I don't ever have time to sit back and enjoy it." (those were her words to me) She was determined to have them done in time to enjoy it herself this year. So determined that Thanksgiving hasn't even passed and Christmas is all over the Kilgore household.
Now back to this Tech vs OU game.... We have 8 chairs in the Media room and we have 9 people here. I'm just going to let you guess who got booted out of a seat.
I got stuck in what mom calls the HOLE - those round mushroom looking chairs. I mean it's my home and we invited these people over, so i had to be cheery about the whole ordeal. Of Course! :) I'm just kidding - i really don't care!!
Since dad was so quick to give my seat away.... and not worried about hurting my feelings :) .... i went downstairs and grabbed the computer.
"Is it going to offend anyone if i blog while we watch this game? I mean, i'm really not a sports fan.... there is no need for me to pretend that i'm interested."
So here i sit - typing away in the corner while sitting in the HOLE.
Have i ever mentioned that i LOVE Hobby Lobby? It's really a dangerous place. Definitely works on your self-control, will power, and helps you practice the whole 'do not over endulge' thing.... there are lots of pretty pretty things in there. You probably shouldn't go but like once a year. Unless you are super rich!!
Alright. I'm off to 'watch' a football game! Or maybe i'll surf the web?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
but this bible study has gotten me each week.
And to think that i wasn't going to attend it because i missed the first two weeks. I remember even thinking that maybe it wasn't God's will or timing for me. How easily i give up when the littlest thing interferes with my life. Every single week - i kid you not - every thursday night something happened that almost kept me from going.
I had groups that were scheduled to meet to work on projects that i just happened to plan on Thursday evening at the exact same time as Bible Study.
I told mom at 5:15 that i would go to the grocery store, run errands, and pick up supper for her... and then realize at 5:55 (while sitting in the Dominoes drive-thru) that bible study started in 5 minutes.
And i don't forget things. I am very good at remembering where i am suppose to be, what time i'm supposed to be there, when things are due, etc. It's not like me to forget. Not the case this semester.
Or i'd have a really really emotional day, literally balling my eyes out or on the verge of doing so... Feeling like i physically cannot leave my house. The thought of being around a group of people just hurts to think about on those days. You don't feel like you can do it...
But each week i fought my insecurities, weaknesses, emotions, and even schedules to make it to watch the video for this bible study. And each week my heart felt completely at home and even full. Each week i couldn't wait to hear what she was going to say because i knew that it would be genuine and heartfelt. I knew it would grab ahold of me.
You know when something is completely simple yet amazingly beautiful at the same time. When verses and stories come together so perfectly. When a person speaks with this passion that you cannot avoid. When they inspire you and even make you feel like you can be that person to... completely in love with the Lord. Sold out passionate for Him. O i can't explain it.
When we get passionate about something, when our desires start to change and in turn affect our lives... you can bet opposition, business, and whatever else that will hinder or try to bring you down is coming your way. That's how i have felt with this bible study. And though i can't say i've given in when it comes to this bible study, i have to admit i've given in to the opposition in pretty much every other area of my life. I get so determined and then i fall flat on my face and give up. I'll get distracted, lazy, or let ignorance take over. I'm realizing that i'm not as hard a worker as i thought i was. I am going to have to pursue some things. To make some decisions with out knowing the outcomes. To try things that i've never mastered before knowing that i may make a mistake or even fail miserably. I'm going to have to lay my thoughts down and trust that He is bigger than all that consumes my mind.
I am so thankful for Angela and the words the Lord spoke through her. If you get a chance you need to do this bible study - A Beautiful Offering by Angela Thomas - You will not be disappointed.
so now that i've said all of that (and realize that you probably didn't want or need to hear it), i am going to share with you the lyrics to this song.
This Is My Offering - Kelly Minter
I will not give what costs me nothing
When I bring my sacrifice
Cause You have asked for only one thing
That I gladly give my life
So now I lay down on Your altar
Knowing what I lose I'll find
Please receive me though i falter
For all I have is Yours, it's no longer mine
With my mouth I will praise
With my heart I will obey
This is my offering
I will go where You lead
I will trust what I can't see
This is my offering, This is my offering
May my worship be a fragrance
Rising up in sweet refrain
As I come into Your presence
May I be a life worthy of Your name
With my mouth I will praise
With my heart I will obey
This is my offering
I will go where You lead
I will trust what I can't see
This is my offering, This is my offering
Be well pleased
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I can't decide which ribbons to use, and things of that sort. But i have just about every thing you could imagine in this Nuetral color scheme here.... I'm sure it's rather plain and even boring to some of you, but i must say i feel it is very Megan-ish.
so i'm still playing around with it. Just wanted to see if i could figure out how to load it on here.
I am terrible at this stuff....
Please don't tell me it's cute just to please me. lol. I want honesty.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I really admire creativity. Someone who truly has a gift at thinking up such amazing ideas and then on top of that being able to go through with them. Like sometimes i think i have this great thing in my mind, but then realize that i wouldn't have a clue where to start or how to pull that out of my brain enough to make it real.
I wish i were creative.
For instance, with this boring blog here that i have.... i want a new look. Actually i've wanted one for a while now, but get so tired of flipping through page after page after page. So i end up settling with something that pleases me enough to look at.
I have spent hours on the scrapblog website looking at others scrap pages, searching through backgrounds, ideas... and then even trying to create my own. It's too much for me. Too many selections to choose from. I need them all to fit on one page so that i can choose the one i like the best. I'm such a detailed person that i can't pull things together and see the big picture.
So for now my page is still being worked on - and who knows if i'll ever know how to transfer it onto the actual blog here and make it work.... oh, and umm, be brave enough for you to see it also... yeah, that's scary.
Who knows how long i have been sitting here at this computer... doing absolutely nothing fruitful... why?
Why are computers so addicting? I've been limiting my time on here because i get so convicted. It's so tempting everytime i get a break or even just glimpse the computer out of the corner of my eye. If only i were that addicted to my time spent with Him. It's terrible. I know that it's entirely possible.... and i want that. But in our humaness we just don't understand. We get distracted so easily.
The bible study that i've been doing this Fall has really been a blessing. Angela Thomas, i'd never heard of her until this study, but i really really really like her. So real, genuine, down to earth, honest, and passionate about what she does. Man! Each week i am amazed at the Lord's wisdom and love pouring out of her. I completed my last week of homework this morning and honestly, i'm sad it's over.
She ended the study with an analogy for us. An analogy that would hit home because we've all been there. Each time you go on vacation or visit some new place you will often go to a shop... to buy some kind of souvineir with some kind of inscription or picture or something that reminds you of where you've been all week long. And usually it's some old cheap thing that you never even pay attention to. You'll be cleaning and run across it and then all of these memories from the trip come flooding into your mind. And for a moment you are back in that place, or wishing that you could go back there, reliving all that happened. She relates this to our relationship with Christ. So often we settle for the souvineir (in this case a bible study). We are enjoying the vacation while we are there in the moment, but then we get back into our busy schedules and regular routine of life and about a week or two later the memory fades and it's long gone.... until one day we see that book sitting on the shelf and it reminds us of all the hours we spent studying and tasting His goodness. If only we could move there, just literally camp and live there for the rest of our lives instead of letting it be a vacation that we go to every now and then to get away from our everyday schedules.
Sometimes i wish that just for a moment He would let me see with His eyes the life/relationship that I could have with Him... i know that if i could even get the tiniest little taste i would have a hunger for Him and His righteousness. I would be craving it all day long and not be satisfied by anything else. Just a little sip of His goodness and love that would leave me thirsty for a drink of His living water again.
I get so lost in my sin and confusion that i can't even imagine or see past it all. It's like i'm drowning trying to figure out where i went wrong and how in the world to get back on the right road again. My eyes have been blinded by all of this darkness that i have let slowly creep into my life. Darkness in the form of selfishness, pride, attention, fear, and doubt.
While i'm sitting there in the dark totally scared i realize how much i need Him. How there is no hope without Him. How i can't do anything on my own.
Oh, a taste... a little sip.... that leaves you with a hunger and thirst for righteousness.
Make it so for us, Lord. Help us even in our humaness to be able to grasp the life that we can have with You. Take us there. Let's start packing and storing up treasures right now to make sure that we are ready for the vacation that will last an eternity. I want to be filled with your love, patience, kindness, gentleness, selflessness and servant attitude that i can't even be zipped up but instead am overflowing.... I want to think on those things. To seek first Your kingdom and the things of You. To experience as much of You as i can here on this earth. Thank you, Lord, for Angela. Bless her life and multiply the time she spent pouring over Your word to find exactly what You wanted each of us to hear. You amaze me!
Monday, November 17, 2008
For Today..... November 17, 2008
Outside my window... the sun is shining through the trees and someone is reving the truck engine.
I am thinking... that i should hurry up and post this before i'm late for school.
I am thankful for... opportunities to serve and be used. It's one of the only things that keeps me going.
From the kitchen... i'm pretty sure it's a mess in there. I am going to tackle that at the 10 o' clock hour.
I am wearing... white t-shirt, cami, khaki colored fleece jacket, blue jeans, khaki and brown mocasins, and hair pulled through my brown cap.
I am going... to class in about 2 seconds.
I am reading... On This Day by Carlson and my bible.
I am hoping... to once again get many school projects under my belt today. I procrastinate too much. If i'd just do it it'd be over with.
I am creating... my christmas list and creative ideas for gifts for the family. And also my bookshelf make-over.
I am hearing... still hearing that truck outside, plus the hum of this computer... other than that pure silence.
Around the house... dad and China are napping in the recliner. Everyone else is gone for the day.
One of my favorite things... feeling really close to the Lord, totally in tune and at peace with Him.
A few plans for the rest of the week... tonight i am meeting with 2 groups to work on presentations/projects/paper that are due within this week. Adult choir practice Tuesday and Wednesday. The usual weekly business.
Here is a picture thought i am sharing with you... Mary and I at Kendra's wedding summer of 07.
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Sunday, November 16, 2008
I guess i have a lot on my mind. Since i can't clean or sort through my life and problems maybe i'll feel better if i clean everything that i can physically see and handle.
I used to be able to just go to sleep whenever i was emotional or stressed out. It was like my RUN TO or ESCAPE or whatever you call it. But i can't do that anymore. I lay there tossing and turning, dreaming about the things i'm trying to conquer and get over. I wake up and immediately remember whatever it is that i'm going through.
That heavy feeling like something is weighing you down is becoming all too familair for me. A constant reminder that something isn't right in my life. That there are still countless issues that need to be dealt with. I feel horrible because i've gotten to the point to where i'm tired of it. I'm just tired.
I don't even know why i'm blogging. I have nothing to say. Just avoiding laying in my bed....
I suppose it's evident that He is working in my life. It's just hard to remember that in the midst of the chaos. (Chaos that seems to last for years and years.) I do have more to say, but i keep typing and then deleting.... i guess i'm just not ready to unload it all yet.
Good night, Lord. I'm too tired to even pray... i've heard that's when you need to pray the most. Please fix my mess of a life that i've made. It is definetly too much for me to handle, too big for me to fix. You are the only One. And i'm desperate for You.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Today i decided to go sit with my mom at the Elementary school where she works. It's pretty interesting all that takes place in the nurses office. You should spend a day in there, you would be surprised, humored, grossed out, ticked off, heart-broken, etc etc. Such a wide variety of activities, situations, and students.
Once 3 o' clock rolled around i hopped in my car and drove across town to pick them up. I'm usually there before 3 so they were probably wondering what the heck was up. There was only one van left in the car pool line when i pulled up. Before Levi could even get his seat belt buckled he spit out the sentence, "I want to go to my Papa's." Alright then. Off you go!
I'm so not cool enough for him. I'm boring or mean or something. It was definetly best for him to go with his grandparents today because my heart was so not where it needed to be and i would not have been prepared for him. I so wouldn't have been a sweet loving person.
Since it was just Zoey and I... i tossed up the idea of PAYLESS. Roaming through the aisles looking at shoes. LOVE! I haven't gotten to do that in FOR EVER! I knew she'd be crazy about it. So that is what we did.
We have about the same size foot, so we were in the same section. Although our tastes weren't quite matching up. I'm not a sparkly person.... no bling for me.... i'm not much into the knee high boots either... or whatever you call them.... BUT i am definetly a shoe person. I have weird taste when it comes to shoes. I really love them. I mentioned over the summer that i use to buy them ALL the time when i was in high school and always got picked on. I'm not that crazy anymore. Actually, i hardly ever buy shoes anymore. I even ignore the entire shoe section when i'm in stores. What's the point? BUT today my heart just needed to go back to the old high school Megan and feel like SOMETHING was normal. Life has been so chaotic for the past few years and i dont know... i guess i'm overwhelmed and drained by it all. I just want normal sometimes. Or atleast to feel normal.
Do you ever feel like that?
So i tried on many different pairs of shoes. Just me and a little girl who doesn't have any preconceived or judgemental ideas about me. And i tried on some mores shoes, and some more... and some more. Stopping to check in the mirror EACH time. And yes, even bought 2 pair. I'm really excited about them!
I've been in denial about some issues with myself for a few years now. Three years to be exact. Today made that even more appearent, but atleast i'm admitting it. I don't take care of myself. There is a fine line between not caring about what you look like and not treating your body right. And mine is the latter. I formed some bad habits during my depression that i've YET to let go of. I feel like i've said this sentence a lot lately, but - It Is Time To Change!
I'm not saying that i have to worry about what i'm going to look like everyday, or try to dress up to impress people... NO THANK YOU! I just need to care about myself and take care of myself. Because i am so not doing that. You may not see this from the outside looking in, but IF you lived with me you would know.
Whenever people would point things out - usually family members - i would make up some Godly excuse to justify my actions... They were very true statements... just not the true reason for my actions.
(I mean it's bad when an elementary school kid who is a complete stranger points something out about your appearence. And it's bad when it hits you once you're already sitting in class, close enough for the person sitting next to you to notice, that your leg hairs are an inch long. That's terrible. And that's gross... I'M GROSS. And i don't even care(well deep down i care), i just let myself get that way. These are not even the bad things people. I refrained from telling you the truly nasty stuff... if you only knew.)
So... my little shoe shopping adventure was fun... and now i need to go make a commitment to treat myself a little better than i have been doing. Why are habits/addictions so hard to break? I'm not good at conquering things....
The Lord gave me this body. I should take care of it so that i can be used for His glory.
I'm really good at making commitments or getting some super great ideas at night time. And then my alarm goes off the next morning and i'm back into my old shell and literally have to FORCE myself out of bed. He is bringing more and more stuff up... painful, embaressing, hard stuff that i need to work on. A change is about to come - My body is going to be SO mad at me. haha!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
looked at the course availability....
decided what i wanted to take...
And now i am about to register for my last semester of college....
Can you hear me screaming on the inside? Because i definetly am. Totally freaking out. Like where in the world did this semester go? I look up and it's already time to register for a new semester?
I was sitting in class today making a list of everything i had left to do before the semester ended... and it hit me. My brother graduates in less than a month. Wait... what? No more classes with him? No more seeing him walk on campus?
I know that sounds retarted, but you get so use to seeing someone and then they're gone and you realize how much comfort it brought you. That sounds retarted, but it's true. For the past 2 1/2 years i have gone to the same school as my brother. And for the past 2 years we've had majority of our classes together - on accident each time. (the Lord knew he needed my help to graduate... he would not have passed without me!!! It's not a secret - he will admit it to you.... he often buys me sonic to repay the many study guides and quiz answers that i provided.) It's going to be so different not having him there.
I made it at Ouachita without knowing a single person in my class or on campus. I act like the world is about to end - it's not. I'm just dramatic and seem to analyze and think about things in deeper details than others. sorry.
I'm also seriously considering getting a real job next semester. "Real" as in not babysitting. Don't get me wrong, i have had fun and i love keeping kids, but i think it's time to do something else. (Possibly past time.)
Plus, i only have 3 classes to take so i need to do something with my time. I need to be fruitful instead of sitting around the house. It'll be good practice for me before i have ZERO classes and a completely empty day. A little preparation - He is good like that huh?
Although, i don't have a clue where to look or what to do. It makes my heart very anxious... but that's part of growing up, learning, and exploring. I've only had one job other than babysitting in my entire life, and that was 2 nights a week at Golden Corral for almost 2 years. I was the most lazy server ever... and probably could have smiled and cared a little more about the people i was serving also. I didn't have the right heart or mindset back then. Since then i've had an awesome friend that the Lord has used to teach me and show me so many things. I honestly don't know where i would be without his influence.
So - i will be okay! I can do this! haha! I'm such a NERD! You think i'm playing... but i'm really nervous, anxious, afraid, unsure.... everything!
While registering for my last semester of college one of my friends said, "AWW you are so grown up." I quickly corrected her... No, this is the point in life where you realize how much more growing you have left to do. How much you've missed. I'm so not grown up... FAR from it!
I need to calm down. He is faithful. He will guide, protect, and keep me. I just know myself - i'm ignorant and it usually takes me long to learn things. I often miss His gentle whispers. I guess i'm afraid of not seeing Him. But worrying will do nothing. So here i go....
Submitting my schedule for my last semester of college.
And then trusting that He will continue to guide and provide.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The past few days i've been so aware of my sin. How dangerous it is. How much it hurts others and yourself. How much confusion it brings to your life. How it consumes your thoughts.
I owe so many people apologies, but am so confused about the whole situation that i don't even know where to begin or what to say. I'm scared to say anything at all for fear of making things worse.
I am thankful for this brokenness because it's softening my heart. It's changed the way i view my family and the time spent with them. And it's also made me so aware of my need of Him.
I've been praying to get through things - it's bringing up old wounds and confusion, but i have to keep going.... i have to put things behind me... find myself.... and move forward. I have to be mature and quit depending on others(because that just in turn ends up hurting them).
Thank you Lord for working on me. Please continue to pull me through this. Help me to work through all of my thoughts so that i can set things right with people. I know it's probably going to hurt, but i want a heart that is genuine and honest. Mold me, Lord. I want a heart that loves - really really loves. I pray for my future family.... Lord i want to be the best wife and mother... please prepare me. Take my heart - it is yours - Please prevail, have Your way in my life! I love You.
Monday, November 10, 2008
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Thursday, November 6, 2008
In order to be this kind of person you have to have the eyes of Jesus. You must be able to step outside of your circumstance and look in at what He is trying to work in or through you. I'm not good at this in my own life. I want to be, because i truly believe it's breathtaking and beautiful, but i have to admit to you... i stink.
Below is a story that i read recently that overwhelmed me, brought tears to my eyes, and reminded me of the love of Jesus.
A mother and father got a phone call one afternoon that their teenage daughter, age 15, was pregnant. You can imagine what they must have felt in that moment. I'm sure it felt like the world stopped spinning all together or started spinning uncontrolably faster. The mother tells her story through her blog. How the Lord taught her lessons of grace and mercy through her daughters pregnancy. Everyday that her daughter walked in the door from school she (the mother) had two options - she could remind her of her mistake over and over again or she could forgive her and love her unconditionally.
Talk about imitating Jesus.
Romans 5:8 says, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
He died knowing that tomorrow we were going to reject Him, forsake Him, spit on His face, ignore Him, be disobedient, and downright rude. He loved us so much that He went to the cross anyways. And each time i mess up He forgives me over and over.... He doesn't remind me of the mistake that i made the day before each morning when i wake up. He loves.
And that's how i am suppose to love.... knowing that tomorrow (my friend, sister, brother, or whomever) is going to probably do something that downright hurts me, upsets me, ticks me off, or makes zero sense and is completely ignorant to me. I am suppose to love even when the person seems to be the least bit deserving of grace.
The daughter asked her mother if contractions hurt. The mother recalled the pain of each of her deliveries. Yes baby, but you were worth it all.
I couldn't help but think of Christ when i read that.
Yes, Megan. Dying to give you life hurt. But you were worth it all. I love you that much that i would do whatever it cost to bring you to life.
I don't know that i will ever think of labor, delivery, and the contractions that we have in the same way. It is now a picture of Christ to me. Loving someone so much that you are willing to surrender to whatever pain may come.
That's life.... that's the picture of Christ..... loving when it's hard, loving when it hurts, loving knowing that you may not get anything in return, loving knowing that it may cost your life.
In Micah 7 it says that the Lord delights to show mercy.
I want to be a woman of grace, mercy and love. A woman of God. A woman who radiants His light and love where ever she goes. I want that so bad, that i can't even express it to you. In my humanness i can't even imagine being that kind of person. I don't feel capable of it. I feel like i either try too hard and mess up, or i don't try hard enough. I feel like i will never be able to reach that woman. But i know that it is possible through Him. I just have to continually surrender everyday, even though at times i don't even know what that means or what that asks of me.
Life is a process. A journey. It isn't about finding a career, a husband, a job, or even being a mother. It's about finding Him and then reflecting that light in those places. It's about going through the process of discerning His voice and His will in each of those situations. It's about love. It's about Jesus.
I encourage you to click the links back to her page and read her story. It's much more detailed than mine.... and much more interesting. Writing is my worst subject. As if you haven't noticed. I must get going - i've already missed one class while typing this... because i take entirely too long trying to form my thoughts to where someone else will understand them when reading my blog. I love you.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Dorothy. She was the glue that held this house together for many years. She cleaned, cooked, babysat, entertained, and many other helpful things so that mom could come home from work without having a huge list to worry about. She probably helped more with mom's sanity than anything else. haha. She drops by every so often to say hello. It's always a joy to see her. This woman truly loves us. You know someone really loves you when you feel it without them ever uttering those 3 words to you.