Friday, November 14, 2008

A Change Gonna Come

Every Friday afternoon i have an hour of time to waste before i have to be at the school to pick up Zoey and Levi. It's always such a pain... by the time you drive home it's time to turn around and leave, but if you stay exactly where you are it's really boring and seems super long. You don't want to waste gas though. I never know what to do.

Today i decided to go sit with my mom at the Elementary school where she works. It's pretty interesting all that takes place in the nurses office. You should spend a day in there, you would be surprised, humored, grossed out, ticked off, heart-broken, etc etc. Such a wide variety of activities, situations, and students.

Once 3 o' clock rolled around i hopped in my car and drove across town to pick them up. I'm usually there before 3 so they were probably wondering what the heck was up. There was only one van left in the car pool line when i pulled up. Before Levi could even get his seat belt buckled he spit out the sentence, "I want to go to my Papa's." Alright then. Off you go!

I'm so not cool enough for him. I'm boring or mean or something. It was definetly best for him to go with his grandparents today because my heart was so not where it needed to be and i would not have been prepared for him. I so wouldn't have been a sweet loving person.

Since it was just Zoey and I... i tossed up the idea of PAYLESS. Roaming through the aisles looking at shoes. LOVE! I haven't gotten to do that in FOR EVER! I knew she'd be crazy about it. So that is what we did.

We have about the same size foot, so we were in the same section. Although our tastes weren't quite matching up. I'm not a sparkly person.... no bling for me.... i'm not much into the knee high boots either... or whatever you call them.... BUT i am definetly a shoe person. I have weird taste when it comes to shoes. I really love them. I mentioned over the summer that i use to buy them ALL the time when i was in high school and always got picked on. I'm not that crazy anymore. Actually, i hardly ever buy shoes anymore. I even ignore the entire shoe section when i'm in stores. What's the point? BUT today my heart just needed to go back to the old high school Megan and feel like SOMETHING was normal. Life has been so chaotic for the past few years and i dont know... i guess i'm overwhelmed and drained by it all. I just want normal sometimes. Or atleast to feel normal.

Do you ever feel like that?

So i tried on many different pairs of shoes. Just me and a little girl who doesn't have any preconceived or judgemental ideas about me. And i tried on some mores shoes, and some more... and some more. Stopping to check in the mirror EACH time. And yes, even bought 2 pair. I'm really excited about them!

I've been in denial about some issues with myself for a few years now. Three years to be exact. Today made that even more appearent, but atleast i'm admitting it. I don't take care of myself. There is a fine line between not caring about what you look like and not treating your body right. And mine is the latter. I formed some bad habits during my depression that i've YET to let go of. I feel like i've said this sentence a lot lately, but - It Is Time To Change!

I'm not saying that i have to worry about what i'm going to look like everyday, or try to dress up to impress people... NO THANK YOU! I just need to care about myself and take care of myself. Because i am so not doing that. You may not see this from the outside looking in, but IF you lived with me you would know.

Whenever people would point things out - usually family members - i would make up some Godly excuse to justify my actions... They were very true statements... just not the true reason for my actions.

(I mean it's bad when an elementary school kid who is a complete stranger points something out about your appearence. And it's bad when it hits you once you're already sitting in class, close enough for the person sitting next to you to notice, that your leg hairs are an inch long. That's terrible. And that's gross... I'M GROSS. And i don't even care(well deep down i care), i just let myself get that way. These are not even the bad things people. I refrained from telling you the truly nasty stuff... if you only knew.)

So... my little shoe shopping adventure was fun... and now i need to go make a commitment to treat myself a little better than i have been doing. Why are habits/addictions so hard to break? I'm not good at conquering things....

The Lord gave me this body. I should take care of it so that i can be used for His glory.

I'm really good at making commitments or getting some super great ideas at night time. And then my alarm goes off the next morning and i'm back into my old shell and literally have to FORCE myself out of bed. He is bringing more and more stuff up... painful, embaressing, hard stuff that i need to work on. A change is about to come - My body is going to be SO mad at me. haha!

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