Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Day Two

I feel the need to unload tonight...... (i have no plans for this post - let's just see where it goes)

I have felt extremely exhausted the past few days. I don't know what my deal is. Maybe it's the fact that i've had to be at "work" at 7:30 and stayed up too late the night(s) before. Whatever it is, i feel physically and emotionally drained more than usual.

I experienced a taste of what it feels like to be a parent yesterday. I had to put my foot down and punish Levi, which is extremely hard on certain days. When it's not your child it's difficult to know exactly what to do to reach them. I had to focus really hard on my patience and determination yesterday.

I felt like a mean babysitter. His friends came over to ask if he could play and i had to tell them no. I went back into his bedroom to talk with him just to make sure that he knew what was going on and that i did indeed love him. When i cracked the door open i could see him starring out the window as he watched his friends playing and laughing outside. It was like his whole countenance changed from anger and rebellion to broken. It was as if you could see his body drooping once he realized that he wasn't going to get to play with them. He looked so upset.... and i was only looking at the back of him. I shut the door as tears literally started to form in my eyes. I stood in the hallway praying and realizing that being a parent has to be extremely hard. I asked for help with my future children - especially the first time i have to discipline them and feel like a mean mom.

I squatted down to his eye level and had a talk with him. As i was leaving his bedroom i stopped and said, "I love you, Levi." I didn't want a reply.... i wanted him to know that i really do. He is only 5. Some days i see myself and realize that i'm being extremely hard and maybe even expecting too much from him. I need to calm down and be patient with him. I'm just struggling trying to find the right balance between discipline and giving attention.

I am thankful for the opportunity to work with children - even though it is difficult, tiring, draining, and overwhelming at times. I know that He is only preparing me for the future. I am learning things (most of the time through my mistakes) through this job that i wouldn't be able to learn in an office or at any other work place.

And i am thankful for that.

Lord, i am sorry that i get impatient, lazy, and annoyed sometimes when i'm babysitting. I thank you that i am aware of my mistakes and that there is always room for growth. Thank you so much for this experience. I would rather learn how to love, teach, and raise children than be payed higher bucks. Take my heart. I want Your desires. I want a heart like Yours. I lift up the Stovall's to you - thank you for the opportunity to be a part of their lives. I love You.

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