Saturday, November 29, 2008

Being Emotional

Can i just be real honest with you?


I have been working on one for about an hour and there are SO many stinkin' little rules that you have to follow that i'm not even to the actual paper yet. I am such a baby. This kind of stuff literally makes me cry. I know that seems ridiculous but i'm being honest. It's like i have to just let it out then i can get over it and make myself get on with the work.

I am such a baby when it comes to this stuff that i often calculate my average and see how much damage it would do to my grade. If i didn't do this Research Paper at all i would make an 85 in the class because of all my test grades - 100, 100, 105, 105 and then the Final in 2 weeks. Is it bad that i would even consider not doing it at all?

That's who i am. I give up when it causes tension or asks too much of me. I don't want to do it.... (clearly an unbiblical attitude)

"Just think, this time next year you'll be done with all the studying, papers, and projects. You'll never have to do it again." Mom

Can i just say Amen to that. That is the ONLY thing that i am looking forward to about graduation. I don't mind working on things and being productive. I very well can do it, but i can't stand when it's forced. My heart has some huge desires and i'll sit down and work hard on things that mean something to me, but this junk... no, thank you.

I am so worried about graduation in May. Only because i don't like to be alone. It scares me. And because it scares me, i guess deep down i've always just felt like God would do that to me. In my mind it's like i see Him choosing the one thing that i don't want.... being single and alone when May gets here. Like it really makes me angry when there are these couples who are engaged or married and they are fretting about graduation coming up. I'm like shut it - atleast you have someone to come home to after work. Atleast you know that you aren't alone in making your decision. Atleast you have someone to talk to about your problems and.... AHH can you tell i'm upset?

I am so not ready for Graduation. Where am i going to go? What am i going to do?

I just want to have my own family and that'd make me happy. I've never cared about a job or what i'd be doing. And now that i have to face that reality in less than 6 months all by myself i'm freaking out.

breathe Megan.

God, i'm so emotional and afraid right now. I want to graduate because i'm tired of school, but really i'm so not ready for graduation. I'm so immature, young, and still don't have a clue where to go. God, what do i do? I need You so bad right now. I love You, i really really do, but could you please be small enough for my human mind to grasp a little bit of what You are speaking to me right now. I'm tired Lord. Please help me finish this paper, i know that seems like a silly request but i don't feel smart enough or strong enough to do it. God i'm desperate for You.

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