Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Through God's Eyes.

I wrote this almost 4 years ago, when i was going through a difficult time.... and it's by no means good, but it was the cry of my heart one night as i sat in my room. I remember writing in within minutes.

Have you ever wondered if the world could see
or knew all the things you'd done,
what would they think?
Would they believe the things you say?
Think you're fake because you pray?
or question your faith?

My Father sees, forgives-forgets,
the things i often do regret.
How can this be?
Sometimes i wish the world could see ... Through God's eyes.

Cause through His eyes,
He's there each time we fall,
with an outstretched arm he says, come one and all.
When the world laughs at you,
God's there to lend a shoulder,
cause He sees past all your tears and pain, to who YOU are.

My child don't worry, your sins are forgiven,
you may remember, but i have forgotten.
No matter what you do, You're still my child,
and I will always be here, loving you!

My heart is heavy tonight, as i sit here tears are filling up in my eyes..... I couldn't find the words to express anything in my blog, so this popped in my head. I just figured i would share it. Not for praise, but just because i had nothing else to say.

Father help me to realize your love, your forgiveness, your goodness.... i know that it's out there, i just fail to recognize it. Open my eyes Father, i want to see with your eyes. Not just your beautiful creation, but i want to see others the way you see them. Fill my heart Father, please. I come to you, seeking you and your wisdom for my life.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

truth hurts sometimes.

i have finished taking both of my finals today - YAY!!! and i think i did fabulous! I have about 2 hours then i have to go pick up Zoey and Levi from school. We'll have snack time, do homework, watch some tv or play a game, then get Levi ready for his baseball game tonight. Then once i'm done there, it's home to go on my run....

Here is what Beth Moore has to say today... actually yesterday, but it isnt making it into my blog until today : )

God said to me, "You are not to build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood." 1 Chronicles 28:3

At first i wasn't sure where she was going with this one, i had to read the verse over about 5 times before i realized.... so here are her thoughts.
Sometimes God willingly tells us, His children, why we are being oppressed... if we are willing to listen. Most of the time we just want God to fix our messes and not have to hear why or how we got into it in the first place.... "Lord, just set me free! I dont need to know why, there's no need to dig up the past. Let's just get on with life."

But instead God says, "I want you to know what went wrong so that the next time you're in this same situation, you'll make different choices; you'll seek Me instead."

This gives my heart rest in a weird way... i have been dealing with the same old crap (excuse me) for about 3 years now. I will cry out to God to heal me, to fix me, just take away the confusion and let it be... yet i get nothing. Well i'll get something every now and then, but it's usually from myself. It's like okay, well here are my options, this could be the problem, or this could be the problem or even possibly this... so which makes more sense? The thing is, sometimes we are so far in something that we can't trace back our steps to see where it started. It's so deep in us, that ONLY the Father can reveal to us what it is. And the KEY is to get to the place where you are ready to hear what He has to say... no matter how bad it's going to hurt, we've got to be able to accept it, to move on and stop doing it. This has been my hearts cry for the past month.... "God reveal to me whatever i'm doing so that i can stop... i've tried figuring it out and i can't find it. I need you to be my Savior, to bring up whatever it is in me that i keep doing... to reveal it to me in a way that only YOU can... you are the only one who TRULY knows me and what has gotten me here. Open me up, search me, bring it to where i can see it and deal with it. Mold my heart, change me, break me up, so that you can rebuild me. i want to turn around and be genuine and if that means losing everything and falling completely on my face.... that's where i want to be." This verse could not have come at a more perfect time. I love it when you feel like you're learning something and then you read His word and you're like O my goodness - that's what you told me and here it is in your word. In the Lord's timing, He will reveal to me what's wrong.... nothing about me going desperately to my friends letting them tell me what they think is wrong (even if they are completely correct) will come from Him! If He chooses to do it through them, then so be it... but in the past i went to them, and i wanted to believe what they were saying so bad, i just never could. Possibly because my heart wasn't ready to hear it... only God knows.

I am going to grow. I am going to get through this time. But as for now, i lift up my eyes to Him, to Him whose throne is in heaven. As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so my eyes look to the Lord my God, till he shows me his mercy. (Psalm 123:1-2)

Within His perfect timing and His perfect Will my eyes will be opened, my heart will be changed.... for now i continue to seek Him and wait at His feet as he reveals so many other amazing truths to me.

Abba Father, thank you for Your word. Thank you that it is still alive and works in our lives today. Search us God, break our hearts, tear us down so that you can rebuild us and heal the wounds.... but leave the scars so that we are reminded of your mercy forever.. and reminded to seek You in all things. i love you -me.

Monday, April 28, 2008

break for blog.

i have 2 finals tomorrow.... i'm taking a break from studying so that my brain doesn't go on overload.

I went running this afternoon with 2 of my friends. I'm trying to get in the habit of exercising everyday. It'll give me something extra to do during my days, instead of sitting around... plus it'll be good to get in the routine.

I also went to Longview to buy the next book after Rahab in Francine Rivers collection...... I'm super excited. I was going to ask for it for my birthday next monday, but i just couldn't wait a week haha... so i drove over after my final this morning and went ahead and bought it. This one is on Ruth - A woman of love. God is showing me so much through these women in history, how their situations and lives can be applied to ours today. I need to realize that time is in God's hand - and it's perfect. I'm learning to trust Him when i can't see the outcome and best of all be patient. He knows exactly what i need - i have to quit trying to do things my way and accept His.... It doesn't mean life will be easy or comfortable, but it does mean that He will be there to carry me through it.

Off to study some more... blogging really isn't working for me right now knowing that i still have stuff to cram for. Have a fabulous night!

interceding..... groans that words cannot express.

Romans 8:26-27
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

THANK YOU JESUS! I remember coming across this verse a year ago and thinking, "thankgoodness"... There are so many times in my walk with God that i'm emotionally drained, i dont have a clue what to pray anymore, but this verse makes me feel okay about that. I find myself praying the same prayers over and over, especially when it comes to things i'm struggling with. It's like God here i am again, lifting this up to you again.... am i praying the wrong thing? am i looking in the wrong places, what is it? I realize now that it's ok. I dont have the words to say, but my tears and silence will speak to the Lord, far beyond what my words could ever express. I am so thankful that the Spirit intercedes for me whenever i am weak.... It's ok whenever i feel helpless or unworthy, because i NEED a Savior, i need someone to speak on my behalf when i feel like i have nothing to give. I have become so aware lately of how unworthy i am, yet my Father's faithfulness doesn't depend on that. He is faithful and desires a relationship with me no matter how far away i go....

I desire so deeply to be in God's Will. To seek His word and find something new and interesting that He is speaking to ME.... to see Him working in my life and guiding me. I need my eyes opened so desperately.... I'm tired of dealing with the same struggles over and over, yet i find myself still in them week after week. It's one of those struggles that you dont realize you're doing - you can feel that you aren't where you're suppose to be, yet you dont realize what it is that you are doing.... somedays i'm like ok God it would be simple if it was something physically i was doing wrong, such as partying or being sexually impure.. because i know how to get that out of my life, if that were the case.... but it's something deeper within my mind and i dont know what i'm doing... so therefore i dont know how to conquer. I pray and try to lay this at Jesus' feet, day after day...that He will reveal to me whatever i am doing so that i can do a 180 and stop.... i still dont know what i'm doing wrong..... But i know that He has a plan and He is soveriegn and in Control.... i have to keep my head up and continue to seek Him and one day my eyes will be opened.... one day it will all make sense.... like Natalie Grant says - He will bring it ALL together! I can't wait until i get there.

Father i come to you now acknowledging that you are in control of everything. The past, the present and the future... you can bring it all together. the good and bad, all of my mistakes and turn them into something beautiful and use them for your glory. I know i am so unworthy of all that you do for me, but i thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for loving me. I so desperately seek your will for my life, i want to acknowledge whatever i am doing wrong and stop Father... but i can't seem to find it or understand it. Take away my confusion in a way that only you can Father. I need you. Open me up Father! I want to live for you.

Saturday, April 26, 2008


i believe one of the reasons the Lord brought James into my life, was to show me what it truly means to seek the Lord. I think so many of us want God to be the center, the drive of our lives, yet we don't ever truly surrender and do whatever it takes to Know Him. One of the ways the Lord speaks is through His word... The Holy Bible. It's sad to say that it took the Lord speaking through a friend to make me realize how off track i was, but i thank the Lord for James.... not because of anything James did on his own, but because of the Lord shining so brightly through his life. I dont think James will ever understand the impact he has had on my life... i admire him - he reminds me more of Christ than anyone i know.

Through being friends with James we started reading together... not just the bible, but Christian fiction books. I get so excited whenever i'm listening to a sermon and i can make connections, or i know how a story is going to end... i'm like I know THIS ONE...

James bought me Unashamed, the story of Rahab by Francine Rivers- and i just finished it. I kind of got sad when i realized i was done... i turned the last page, felt my heart drop, and said NO. I have read more books within the past year than i have read all 20 years of my life. Thankyou Father for using James to speak to me... thank you for his friendship and the life that he lives so boldly for you.

I gotta share a little that's on my heart from this book... i just have to!!!! Rahab lived in Jericho and the Israelites were coming to take/conquer the land (Jericho). She was a prostitute but took in the two israelite spies who came to seek out the land before their attack. She protected them from the King and made an agreement with them to spare her life from harm on the day the Lord had chosen to take over the Land of Jericho.....

this book is Francine Rivers' interpretation of the story, she explains Rahab throughout the story as a woman of true faith. She had lived in Jericho, been a prostitute, seen people worship man made idols and put their trust in things that would never save them..... But she had a burning desire inside her heart to know the God of Israel - she knew that He must be real, yet she had never even seen the work He had done with her own eyes.... I want to be like her. I feel like so many times in my life, i need a sign or some kind of vision or yes from the Lord to act and know what to do.... I want to trust in the Lord and have Faith like Rahab.

Rahab eventually marries Salmon... which through their family lineage comes the Messiah! Salmon in Francine's book was one of the spies who came to seek out Jericho, whom Rahab took in. From the moment he met her he was amazed by her faith and trust in a God whom she'd never physically seen with her own eyes.... yet she wanted to be apart of His people and would do anything - even going against the King of Jericho, to Know Him. Salmon loved her for who she was in God... He found her the most attractive and beautiful woman he'd ever seen because of God shining through her. O man - my eyes still fill with tears as i type..... whenever i read that i was like O God be my eyes! I cannot wait until God opens my eyes to see the man who he has prepared for me. But i don't just want an awesome Godly husband, i want to BE that awesome Woman of God, the Woman of Faith.... I want to look at my husband and to see God in him, and everything else just fade away. I want a marriage built on God, one that stands through every storm that comes, one that still holds hands when we are 80 walking through walmart.

Father i come to you now thanking you for brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank you for their interpretations put into books in ways that draw us near to you. Thank you for Rahab and her life. God i desire so deeply to love like you, for you to change my eyes, i want to love my husband like you Father... i want to look at him and see you and be so stinkin in love with him. I cannot wait for that day Father.... help me to become the Woman that you want me to be. Prepare me for my husband. Help me to be patient as i wait for you to bring us together. Open my eyes to see him and recognize him. Father i need you so bad. I'm so scared right now as i journey through this valley, each day is different, challening, and scary... Father please help me to recognize you and your voice, i'm SO desperate for you and your wisdom. O God i need you, i dont know how i ever thought i could do things my own way. Show me how you speak to me... show me you. Help me to fall so deep in love with you and with the desires that YOU have for me. Keep me aware of the enemy.... Father shelter me under your wings... i need you. i love you. i cannot wait for you to reveal the plans you have for me. Make over my heart, my life, my eyes, my everything Father. Be my strength on the days when i don't feel like i can go anymore. Dont let me do this MY way.... carry me Father. I pray for my husband wherever he might be, whoever he is.... Prepare his heart, draw him near to you, help him to fall in love with you and desire you more than anything in his life. lead us to each other, so that we can better serve you together. Thank you Father for who You are!

Girls Day.

Mom, Casie, Stacy, and I are going over to Shreveport today to look for Casie a prom dress. Dad and Brandon are staying to do yard work, while we have girl time. : ) So it's up a little earlier than usual on a Saturday and heading out to have tons o fun!

We have rehearsal tonight at ETBU for the Turn You Radio On Concert.... I'm trying to lose my voice, my throat has been hurting all week and now my ears are starting to do the same. Hopefully i'll be able to sing though.

Here is the verse from my Beth Moore Day by Day book....

I was like a docile lamb led to slaughter. I didn't know that they had devised plots against me. Jeremiah 11:19

Beth Moore admits that she once believed the only people who were captive were the spiritually lost, but God soon changed her mind when he showed her the truth from the inside out. Christians can be in bondage too... the worst kind of captive is a prisoner unaware, the prisoner vulnerable to her captors. She says anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God planned for us can hold us captive.... Be aware people! Be aware of the enemies schemes!

I so need the Lord to clear up many voices that are speaking through my head. I've so realized lately how hard it is to fight through a battle that you dont even recognize. I dont know where or what i'm suppose to be doing. It's like i'm suppose to fix something, but i can't find the thing that is broken. So here i am.... waiting on the Lord, taking it day by day, learning to have faith even when i can't see at all.

Lord open my eyes. Purify my mind, clear me up. Be my thoughts and my eyes, be my everything. I need you Father. Forgive me for the life that i've lived. Make me over Father into who you want me to be. Help me to recognize Your voice and Your guidance in my life.... i want to follow you. Let go and Let You! I love you.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

4 days left.

tomorrow is my last day of CLASS.... i can't believe it. Time to start cramming for finals. We get a break for a 4 day weekend, then May term starts on my 21st birthday. My only class today was at 8 o' clock, so i got myself up and ready, did my stuff, went to class, and yes came home and slept some more. It was a pretty boring lonely day, i did some laundry and loaded the dishwasher.

I thought about going on a walk with China, but decided to wait til mom got home to see if she wanted to join me. it's now 7:30 and we haven't decided if we are officially going to walk or not.... the sun will disappear soon, better hurry!

Brandon has an intramural softball game tonight at 9, so we will be going to watch that. SUPER FUN... not! anyways.... this was my boring day.

I have a paper due tomorrow, off to start that. Have a great night!


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

my heart sings.

I have been really focusing on what it means to give my ALL, my entire Life, heart, and mind, everything to Christ.... what it means to be complete in Him. To realize that nothing i find, NOTHING will make me happy. No relationship, no career, no hobby, no friendship, NOTHING will make me happy. Being complete in Christ is the ONLY way to live and be happy, then those friendships, careers, relationships are ways for me to grow, to share, to expand, whatever the case may be. I feel like a lot has changed lately, but still at the same time i'm like AHH i'm so not even close to being there.

Music has always been a part of my life, but i struggle with it on a daily basis... i never want it to be about me. I pray about this continually, everytime i get up to sing, everytime i think about singing as a career.... i'm like Father i can't do it if it's about me, i want to get up there and the overflow of YOU in my life to just pour out and it be SO real.... nothing about how talented or gifted i am, but people being COMPLETELY in AWE of YOU... of you speaking through music. THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE is my hearts desire. I love to sing. Some of my most meaningful moments or worshipful moments are when i'm singing in the music room at my house, completely alone. Most of the time i will be home alone, no one else is there, or either they're busy paying no attention. I will pour out my heart to God and it seems SO real, and i love it because it's not about me or what anyone thinks of me... it's me giving back my voice to the Lord, the Giver - the One who blessed me in this area in the first place.

With it being my last year of school i look ahead and am not sure where i will be a year from now. It's very frightening, but i know that my Soveriegn Lord is in Control and i just have to know Him, Love Him, and follow Him!!!! I've been praying for Him to show me His desires and for mine to line up right there with them.... for it to sink deep into the depths of my heart and who i truly am and CHANGE me.... I find myself more and more everyday loving to sing, and thinking about it more and more... i'm not to sure if this is Him, or what, but i will continue to lift it up to Him and grow in that area. If He chooses to give me the opportunity to sing i will take Him up on it and give Him all the glory!

My parents and i are practicing a song that we are singing at church in a week and a half and i am SO excited about it. We just got through practicing it a few minutes ago, and i just can't express how much singing fills my heart. Music does just about everything to me..... it makes me feel worthless, full, sad, excited, overwhelmed, unworthy... SO many things.

I will continue to pray for God to change me, make me over, truly truly make me over as i seek to know Him and be obedient to His calling on my life.

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:19-20

Father i come to you now acknowleding that You are the True Giver of all things. Thank you for my family.... and my parents that brought me up and introduced me to music at a very young age. Nothing makes my heart overflow more than singing Father. I want to give it ALL to you, i want it to be an expression of my gratitude and praise to you EVERYTIME i open my mouth and lift up songs to you. I want it to be worship to your ears Father. Not just my voice, but the way i choose to live my life. God i want to know you so bad, i want to recognize your voice and be obedient to whatever you call me to do. Keep me near you Father, and aware of how you speak to me. Help me to recognize You in my life and go wherever you call me to go, even if that means to places that i am not comfortable going. Show me Your truth and guide me in Your plan for my life. I love you Father, but i want it to go SO much deeper. Hear my hearts cry Father. please. I need you and i love you. I lift up Diane, Iona, Josh, Tim, Larry and whoever else is traveling and attending papa Hanks funeral tomorrow. Keep them safe and hold them in your arms. May the joy in their suffereing during this time speak so loudly to those who attend. Thank you for pain, suffering, growth, and joy.... me.

really now.

At the end of this semester, which is a week from today, i will have taken 26 tests. AH 26 tests in less than 4 months is OUTRAGEOUS! this has been such an exhausting semester... Amazingly though i've only failed 1 so far, but that could very well change because i had a test this morning and was not prepared. Totally my fault though!!!!

God i come to you now thanking you for another day! May i rejoice and be glad in it! Be with my mind and my emotions, help me to sort them out and deal. Father i so desperately need you right now with this situation i'm going through in my life. Open my eyes and ears, open me up completely to see and hear what you are speaking to me. I don't want to miss it Father. Be with James as he leads his bible study tonight, completely take over and speak through Him Father. May the kids pay attention and be interested in what you are saying through Him. Fill James up Father and may he be so excited to share what you have layed on his heart. Help him to grow in you and see your direction in His life. I lift up all my friends in choir who you have layed on my heart lately. Be with each of their different situations, as only you know each of them specifically. Thank you for who You are. I love you!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Wake Up The World

i added Gateway Worship to my side bar.....
scroll down to the Wake Up the World advertisement and click on tunes.
use the forward (arrow) button to listen to Save Me and Beautiful....
they are numbers 9 and 14.... i love them and just felt like sharing.

you'll have to turn off the normal music playlist, so that you can listen to this one.

have a blessed day!

Monday, April 21, 2008

God is love.

i was sitting in my car this afternoon waiting to pick Zoey up from school whenever i started reading 1 John 4:7-21

It's the passage about God's Love and Ours..... i started reading and was like ooooo this verse is good it needs to be underlined, ooo so does this one, o my and this one too..... WOW all of these! I felt funny because i was like underlining as i was going and i was like i should have just circled the whole passage instead of underlining all this haha..... all that to say, i think this passage is now one of my favorites!!!

it's kind of funny because i have been reading 1 John all weekend and then we talked about it in my New Testament class today.... My professor said the main purpose of 1 John is to give certainty and assurance to Christians, for you to know that your christianity is secure.... how do we know this? well this passage tells us in v 8 Whoever does not love, does not know God, because God is love. GOD IS LOVE. (v 16) whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

like MAN?!! i remember singing a song my senior year in High School that was called Do They See Jesus in Me.... these verses remind me of that song because there are so many times when we get frustrated with people or situations and we dont handle them or love them the way we are suppose to.....

The song goes like this -
Do they see Jesus in me?
Do they recognize your face?
Do i communicate your love, and your grace?
Do i reflect who You are in the way i choose to be?
Do they see Jesus in me?

Being a christian, i'm suppose to live like Christ and portray Him, but do i?

This may sound so very immature or infant like when coming to the scriptures, but i was like hm God is love.... let's go back to 1 Corinthians 13 and replace the word love for God, everytime it appears. Not that i dont know that He is all of those things; I just remember a guy in chapel the other day saying, "God is love, so do the math" . i was like alright then there sir?! I dont know what he meant by saying that, but i haven't forgotten it. so i kept thinking about all the verses that talked about love and tried to do the math haha. anyways.

I just really like this passage. it's beautiful!

(v 12) If we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

(v 18) There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

i remember one time in high school i was considering quitting cheerleading, because it wasn't fun anymore and it was just ALL going down hill. i can recall going through a difficult situation and thinking, i can't love this person - me Megan cannot love this person.... i'm going to have to stop trying and love them with God's love. I want to be complete in His love, i want to have no fear in love..... perfect love.... His perfect love.

i had to babysit the Johnson girls tonight - it was very fun! me and mari alice had a ball! i wrapped her up in her blanket and hid her arms underneath where you couldn't see them.... i put her infront of the mirror and was like where are mari hands? she would try so hard to get them out and i would laugh and be like NO and mess with her.... then she'd finally get them out and hold them up REAL high, laugh and then i would say no no and wrap them back up as she giggled more... we did this for a while! It's crazy how much joy the little things can bring you - Mari makes my heart happy! The moments i enjoy most in life are the ones that make me feel like my heart is smiling! It brings tears to my eyes!

I can't wait to be truly in LOVE with the Father - nothing fake or temporary.... my heart longs to be so passionately in love with Him...... and i can't wait..... then one day i will get to express that love to my husband and my kids. my eyes water as i type. When i'm complete in Christ and who He wants me to be.... with Him and His perfect love - then one day it's all going to come together..... i'm so EXCITED!

God i come to You now thanking You for who You are! Thank You for Your word and how it speaks to us. Thank you for the truly simple and beautiful moments in life that fill our hearts and bring tears to our eyes.... those are the moments i live for. I want my heart to be full of you. I want to love you with EVERYTHING i have and be complete in Your love. I want to be overwhelmed by You and Your love for me! Thank You for never giving up on me, and always loving me. May i love like You! May i go to whatever lengths and do whatever it cost, to know You and allow you to change my thoughts, heart, and motives. i love you. Be my eyes.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

a thankful heart.

the lesson in sunday school today was about The Lord's Supper and what it means to us as believers.... it's always interesting for me when i'm studying the lessons... the things that usually get to me are things i already know, but for some reason just by changing the order of words will change your whole mindset of it all. I teach Junior High Girls so it's probably the fact that it's brought down to a lower level, ha. We talked about how people will go to great lengths to be remembered after they pass away, but God gave us the ultimate way for remembering Him. On the day He was betrayed, He had supper with His disciples..... From that moment on any time they broke bread they would remember the painful sacrifice that Christ went through.... all because He loves us and desires to have a relationship with us. We talked about how we need to prepare our hearts before we partake in the Lord's Supper, it's a sacred time. We need to let go of all the bitterness and forgive where ever it needs to be given... we need to have a truly thankful heart. It's not just something that we need to be thankful for and remember on the days that we do take the Lord supper, it should be the very cry of our hearts.... from the depths of our beings we should be so grateful for all that Christ has done, continues to do, and will do. We will never comprehend the love that the Father has for us.... it's too overwhelming! I want to be thankful, truly truly thankful.... i want to feel it as i worship Him, i want it to be REAL and i want Him to accept it as worship. He knows the truth motives of our hearts, i want to get mine right and to be GENUINELY grateful.

We had the AWANA Awards ceremony tonight at church. It went very smoothly and turned out great. Afterwards we had a little fellowship with all the awana leaders, parents and kids.... we ate some food and chatted :) I got the priviledge of hanging out with Ardyn, Ash, and Mari Alice which i havent had in a LONG time. It was fun! We picked out what we liked to eat, we found a comfy place on the floor, sat down and shared food (Ash picked off my plate ha)!!! I love them!

After church i invited some college girl friends to come over and play Rock Band - they accepted. I was very proud of myself after i realized what i did.... YOU, Megan Elease just invited people over to hang out, without even thinking or hesitating.... Go You! haha We had a good time! Then i went up to the dorm and stayed for about 2 hours just hanging out in their rooms. I still prefer to be at home though! ha I will make it through this though.

I am only suppose to worry about today, actually not even WORRY about today, just take it one day at a time. Give God my ALL and then leave the results up to Him. So that is what i am learning to do. I love growth.... it's painful, but the days that you can actually see how far you've come make the hard days worth it.

The more I seek the Father, the more i will know Him, the more i will recognize Him, and the more i will fall in love with Him..... and i can't wait!

The weekend is over and it's the last full week of school. sigh.... a sigh of relief that is!!!

Father i come to you now thanking you for who you are! Keep us mindful of all that you've done for us.. let our lives and hearts cry out to you for how grateful we truly are. Break our hearts for whatever is in our lives that doesn't need to be there. Open us up and reveal things to us Father. I don't want to just get by anymore, i want to know you and do whatever it takes to get there. Show me your truth and help me to stand firm in that. Thank you for life, i want you to be my life Father. Continue to be with Iona, Diane, Cari, James, Josh, and everyone else that is affected by this event God. Help them as they plan things, and as they go through this time of grieving.... you tell us in your word that there is a time for everything, help them to mourn and deal with it properly Father. Wrap your arms around them and may they become closer to you through all of this. I love You. I need You. me.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

remembering... can't sleep.

today i slept in.... got up and did some chores through out the day. Talked to Stacy about life, graduating, moving on, things that seem so hard to think through at this age. You have fear and confusion, relationships or whatever that kind of messes up your mind and how you decide where to go and what to do at this point in life. GRADUATION.... man.

It's really hit me lately. I'm really growing up, well as far as TIME goes i'm suppose to be growing up, but for me, i still have a LONG way to go. And lately i've definetly realized it. it's very scary, but i can't let that get to me.. at some point i have to trust in God and follow His guidance, no matter how mature or where i seem to be in life.... Today is the day to start.

I hope every one is having a good weekend! It has really been a reflection weekend for me. You go about your week, your days and you get bogged down, you feel busy, overwhelmed or ALL of the Above.... haha You feel like you're praying and trying to know God more and follow His guidance, but yet you can't see or hear His guidance. It's hard, frustrating, and discouraging even at times, but then at some point it all just hits you. Peace over flows you and for a moment, however long it last, you can think about it... and see where you've come from and how much you've grown... even if it is the tiniest steps, they seem so big in that moment. that's how this weekend has been for me. Thank you Father.

Papa Hank passed away today. James and I visited him over Christmas and it's weird how much it all hit my heart. i dont know why, but it really got to me. The suffering and pain is all over for him now and he's definetly in a better place. Keep the family in your prayers.

I tried going to sleep, but i just layed there for a long time tossing and turning.... seems as though i have a ton on my mind. My prayer life is really beginning to change lately. I have been praying for God to help me become genuine in how i live my life and have a relationship with Him. I can definetly see how He is molding me, just by evaluating my prayer life. Sometimes i feel like i pray too much, but i guess i'll learn that too.... when to pray, when to Be Still and Know that He is God and let Him speak.

Father thank you for family, thank you for those we look up to and show us how to live for you. Be with everyone who is affected by Papa Hank's death. Help Iona as she deals with this, be her comfort and her strength. Keep her near you and may she feel your presence in her life right now. Help Diane and Iona both as they deal with this transition and figure out what to do next. Thank you for Your timing and how perfect it is even though we don't comprehend it. We need you Father, we are so in need of you in our lives. Help us to truly live for you and do whatever it takes to know You more. I'm so desperate to know You and to recognize your voice over anything else in my life. Carry me through my last year of school, show me who i am and help me to deal with whatever issues or things in my life that need to be dealt with. Show me how to have relationships with others, the right way! Help me to truly delight myself in You, and to have the same desires that you have for my life. Help me to follow your plan for my life.... I need you Father! I love You!

Friday, April 18, 2008

the weekend is here!!!

Casie went on a choir trip for the Seniors this weekend and mom went to help out.... so it's just me with the boys here this weekend. Tonight me stacy and brandon went to Longview. we ate at Papacita's then headed over to the mall to look around. Bath n Body Works was having some really good deals, 6 for $30 so i got a lot of yummy smelling body spray and shower gel..... i also got some sweet pea wall flower plug ins. I AM SO EXCITED!! my room is going to be smelling so pretty! Afterwards we went to the driving range and hit some golf balls. not really on my list of things to do for fun, but i actually had a good time. It helped me to get things off my mind and not worry about stuff for a little while. Then we stopped by walmart, got some essentials, then some candy to top the night off. haha :) All in All it was a great night!

This has been a pretty depressing week, but tonight has given me hope that it's all going to be ok... some day. I just have a lot to deal with and figure out before i reach that day.

Tomorrow i'm going to do some stuff around the house for my mom, then hang out with some girl friends later that night.... it should be interesting. I've realized that i've never truly had to make friends before. Not that i can't be good at it, i can be very confident and friendly... i just don't like it. I'm comfortable where i'm at, being at home doing nothing, but this hasnt served me well. So i'm stepping WAY out of my comfort zone and trying to make friends, some days i fail.... badly.... i just sit there balling wondering why i stink so bad. ha sounds stupid. anyways. I'm determined to find out who i am and be confident in that person. No better time to learn than now; a year from now i'll be living on my own and HAVE to make friends and have a real job. enough of that.

i hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Father i come to you now thanking you for who You are. Help me to fall in love with You. Show me what it means to be complete in You. Thank you for relationships, and how you use them to sharpen us and ultimately bring us closer to you. Help me as i make friends, be my strength and my confidence. I need your wisdom in my life Father. I love you and want to know you more. -me.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Phil 4

Philippians 4

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
11 For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation... 13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

I so wish that i could be like Paul and find contentment in every situation that i am faced with, but i find myself failing everyday. I know it's possible, but it just seems as though right now life is harder than it has ever been before. I have shed more tears and felt more confused during this time in my life. I know that i will get through all of this and i will become so much stronger and grow, but it's so hard to see that in the middle of it.

Thank you God for seasons of life, thank you for opportunities to grow... keep us aware of how big you are and that even though we can't see it at times, there is always a bigger picture.... You are at work even though we see no growth or fruit. Keep me near you, keep me strong. Help me to face this head on and give my life to you. I need you now more than ever, and want to be close to you for the rest of my life. i love you...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

obligation or desire?

so appearently i "thought" my test in Psychology was Thursday, but i get there today and realize.... NOPE, it's today! ha! It will totally be God's grace that helps me pass that one, because i was not prepared. That makes me sad because i've done really good all semester making A's and B's on all my test.... i want to bring my GPA up. Not that it's even "low" on certian peoples standards, but for scholarship reasons, i want it higher.

Speaking of Psychology, we had a very interesting discussion today. We talked about Attraction... Dr. New took tons of polls asking the class random questions, like "who pays more attention to physical attractiveness or LOOKS, Men or Women?" of course the class was 50/50 with their opinion... i didnt have one. But according to the statistics he says that most women are dating for money and men date with attraction in mind. I found it interesting to hear people speak on what they thought was important, some people surprised me. A woman who just recently got married raised her hand when he asked if money was important or if it mattered.... i kept mine down. I felt bad for her, but who am i to judge why she feels that way. She says that she believes most women think about money for security reasons, they want to know they are going to be taken care of and provided for. I tend to think it depends on what you consider being taken care of. Everyone has their own opinion of how much money is ENOUGH....

Dr. New asked questions like, "Say you have 2 equally attractive guys, but one makes 10,000 and the other makes a million... which do you choose?" FINALLY someone says personality... I was waiting for someone to say that, not that i couldn't haha but you know me i'm to shy and i do NOT speak up in class. hahaha On the way home i continued to ponder this interesting topic.... money and looks are both things that fade away, so what would be the biblical way of dating or picking a spouse? How would you debate this topic and tell someone what you believe? I think if you date for money or looks you are in for a rude awakening..... a few years down the road either of those could not be there. But their personality will ALWAYS be there.

I think so many of us seem to know what is "right", yet we don't desire it or go after it.... obligation or a matter of the hearts desire? As for now, i'm continueing for God to show me Himself, and for his desires and mine to line up..... i dont want to just "know" the right choice, i want to desire and LOVE the right choice..... just something to ponder i guess.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

life as a student.

It's only 3:15 and so far today i've already read a little over a chapter in The Shack, read a few chapters out of Galatians, Written a research paper, written another short story for my American Literature class, took a break for lunch somewhere in there and now find myself sitting here starring a hole in the floor..... then i'm like "Hello Megan, come back to Earth."

I have 3 papers due this week, and 2 tests to study for. It's seems as though this semester has been the fullest semester of all my college years. Although if i remember correctly my Junior year in High School was the hardest year too. I can remember people saying your junior year will be the toughest and then your senior year will be the year to relax, yet freak out about the future.

I'm totally exhausted, yet i dont know why because i got plenty of sleep last night. My head has this little pain that keeps coming and going near my right temple. Maybe i will take some Advil then have a little nap. I dont seem to do well with naps though. Ever since my depression which naps goes GREAT with, they seem to be great friends.... i can't seem to take naps without feeling sad. Memories i guess. I took so many naps when i was going through that year of struggling with depression that any time i take them now i have this fear that i'm lazy and depressed, so i just avoid even going there.

ALTHOUGH a nap would be very enjoyable right now.

I guess i should go figure out some way to be productive since i'm not going to give into the nap that is so calling my name. I suppose i will find something to do to pass the time, then once 9 or 10 reaches i can call it quits and close my eyes until morning.

Hope you are all enjoying your weekend. Love.

Friday, April 11, 2008


It seems as though every time i get on here to blog i am at a loss for words. Maybe it's because everyone elses blog that i read are so perfectly written and sound so wise. I was on Natalie Grants website the other day and found out that she just started blogging... i read her first entry and it seems she has the same fear i do. Sounding Stupid!

I am tryinig so hard to know Christ right now, to fall completely in love with Him, to figure out who i am no matter what mistakes i've made in the past.... I'm reading this book and it's been such a help during this time. It's changed my whole outlook on God. It's making me let go of all my preconcieved ideas of who Christ is and think about EVERY aspect of who He truly is, as Father (God), Son (Man), and Holy Spirit. I guess i've never truly taken the time to think about it in depth.... i caught myself "talking" to Him today while i was sitting in my car waiting for one of my classes to start and it was as if i was telling Him a joke and we were laughing together. Might sound stupid, but i was like YEAH Father... i want to laugh with you, i want to be SO in love with you, i want you to be my Best Friend. I want the simple things to be SO beautiful to me. In the book there is a part where Jesus (as fully Human), is sitting on a boat dock looking at the stars and He says "man this is SO beautiful it never gets old".... and the man with Him is like, "but you created it, what do you mean it never gets old? " and so they have this conversation and He tells him, even though i am fully God i came to Earth and took on EVERY role as a human... I experienced life just as you do. So when i see the trees, flowers, or stars in the sky it's as if i'm seeing them for the first time and it's SO beautiful. I want to have His Eyes. I TRULY do.

I catch myself getting scared because i'm like God if i fall in love with you and my desires line up with yours then what if one day the human desires creep back in... i'm always going to be cautious and afraid of falling, because living like you isn't HUMAN, it's not normal. This weird fear i guess... i can't even explain it. But then i realized that's the WHOLE point... it's not normal for us because if there was no effort in it, then there would be no relationship. A friend told me once, if God just MADE you love and make right decisions, there would be no relationship or true LOVE there. The fact that we have to think about things, we have to put forth an effort and care shows how much we want to know Him.... My problems aren't going to go away completely, but i have to look at that as a way to keep me reminded of Christ. To keep me reminded of what He has done for me, and how much i need Him!

I want to experience Him in a way i NEVER expected, to fall in love with Him and grow in His wisdom, WAY beyond anything i ever thought possible. Sometimes it seems like i'm trying to reach this goal that i will never get to, but i won't let that stop me. I want to know my Savior!

I recently heard a song by Point of Grace called Heal The Wound... it talks about how sometimes we wish we could rewrite history, erase the past, i use to pray that you would take the shame away.... so then i can pretend i dont even know who that person is, but i've realized it's the memory of the place you brought me from that keeps me on my knees.... When God heals, He often leaves the scar to remind us how merciful He is. Our past, our testimony's speak louder and deeper to others around us than i think we really know. I've always had this fear of my testimony, like it's not good enough or something.... but i heard a speaker say once that EVERYONE has a story, and every story should be told, because someone out there specifically needs to hear YOURS.

This is getting incredibly long and isn't even flowing, but that's how i work. I'm growing, and i'm learning... even though somedays i feel like i've hit a brick wall.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


we have 2 and 1/2 weeks of school left, then finals are here. These last weeks are filled with so many papers and tests..... which equals tons of stress. I can't believe the end of the school year is already here. It seems like we just started yesterday. My how time flies! I had a Marraige and Family Counseling test this morning at 8, but when we got there the printer messed up so they were trying to reprint the papers, then around 8:15 the tornado alarm starts going off so we all had to evacuate and move to room 107... which meant no test for today. Thank you God for grace in STRANGE ways. I need these extra few days to study.

University Singers concert went well the other night. Then I had a friend stay the night, which hasnt happened in years... i can't even remember the last time ha! Last Night i went to church, went to choir practice then halfway through left to go listen to the TnT Girls say their verses for AWANA. Next week is the last week for Awana's for this year which meant each kid was RUSHING trying to cram in about 10 verses to get tons of awards and prizes. I thought i was going to go crazy... a bunch of little girls crowded around me argueing over who is going next. MAN! I guess it's good that they were argueing over saying verses than anything else.... maybe? who knows! just trying to find something good in it all. ha!

Well I think i'm going to read some more of The Shack until class again at 11.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

first blog

I always enjoy reading Cari's blog so since i had time between classes, i decided to just give in and create one of these for myself. I use to blog on my myspace some, and since i am currently trying to delete that... this will be a great place to start over. Although, i don't have the time or much to say right now. Choir practice starts at 2 forUniversity Singers. We have a concert tonight and i will be VERY excited when it's over. Yes you heard me right, when it's OVER.... i'm so burnt out on Choir. I've decided not to be in it next year, and instead stay with the church choir. I dont think i will regret my decision... for many reasons unmentioned.

School is coming to an end, which is exciting yet scary because that means my last year of college is finally here. College hasnt been what i expected, nor does anything ever turn out the way we expect it to, but i feel like the past year and a half God has really been dealing with me alot. You don't realize how much you've grown until it just all hits you one day and becomes overwhelming. Anyways, all this to say. I'm very nervous about graduating next May and all that follows that, but i know there in lies the BEAUTY.... the fear of the unknown makes us become completely dependent on God.

My life seems to have taken a big U-turn the past month or so, but i know it's all for the better. I have total peace, even though i'm scared and uncertain about alot of things. I can't wait to get to know God more and be totally complete in Him.

Well i'm headed off to choir. Have a FABulous night.