Tuesday, April 29, 2008

truth hurts sometimes.

i have finished taking both of my finals today - YAY!!! and i think i did fabulous! I have about 2 hours then i have to go pick up Zoey and Levi from school. We'll have snack time, do homework, watch some tv or play a game, then get Levi ready for his baseball game tonight. Then once i'm done there, it's home to go on my run....

Here is what Beth Moore has to say today... actually yesterday, but it isnt making it into my blog until today : )

God said to me, "You are not to build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood." 1 Chronicles 28:3

At first i wasn't sure where she was going with this one, i had to read the verse over about 5 times before i realized.... so here are her thoughts.
Sometimes God willingly tells us, His children, why we are being oppressed... if we are willing to listen. Most of the time we just want God to fix our messes and not have to hear why or how we got into it in the first place.... "Lord, just set me free! I dont need to know why, there's no need to dig up the past. Let's just get on with life."

But instead God says, "I want you to know what went wrong so that the next time you're in this same situation, you'll make different choices; you'll seek Me instead."

This gives my heart rest in a weird way... i have been dealing with the same old crap (excuse me) for about 3 years now. I will cry out to God to heal me, to fix me, just take away the confusion and let it be... yet i get nothing. Well i'll get something every now and then, but it's usually from myself. It's like okay, well here are my options, this could be the problem, or this could be the problem or even possibly this... so which makes more sense? The thing is, sometimes we are so far in something that we can't trace back our steps to see where it started. It's so deep in us, that ONLY the Father can reveal to us what it is. And the KEY is to get to the place where you are ready to hear what He has to say... no matter how bad it's going to hurt, we've got to be able to accept it, to move on and stop doing it. This has been my hearts cry for the past month.... "God reveal to me whatever i'm doing so that i can stop... i've tried figuring it out and i can't find it. I need you to be my Savior, to bring up whatever it is in me that i keep doing... to reveal it to me in a way that only YOU can... you are the only one who TRULY knows me and what has gotten me here. Open me up, search me, bring it to where i can see it and deal with it. Mold my heart, change me, break me up, so that you can rebuild me. i want to turn around and be genuine and if that means losing everything and falling completely on my face.... that's where i want to be." This verse could not have come at a more perfect time. I love it when you feel like you're learning something and then you read His word and you're like O my goodness - that's what you told me and here it is in your word. In the Lord's timing, He will reveal to me what's wrong.... nothing about me going desperately to my friends letting them tell me what they think is wrong (even if they are completely correct) ...it will come from Him! If He chooses to do it through them, then so be it... but in the past i went to them, and i wanted to believe what they were saying so bad, i just never could. Possibly because my heart wasn't ready to hear it... only God knows.

I am going to grow. I am going to get through this time. But as for now, i lift up my eyes to Him, to Him whose throne is in heaven. As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so my eyes look to the Lord my God, till he shows me his mercy. (Psalm 123:1-2)

Within His perfect timing and His perfect Will my eyes will be opened, my heart will be changed.... for now i continue to seek Him and wait at His feet as he reveals so many other amazing truths to me.

Abba Father, thank you for Your word. Thank you that it is still alive and works in our lives today. Search us God, break our hearts, tear us down so that you can rebuild us and heal the wounds.... but leave the scars so that we are reminded of your mercy forever.. and reminded to seek You in all things. i love you -me.

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