It seems as though every time i get on here to blog i am at a loss for words. Maybe it's because everyone elses blog that i read are so perfectly written and sound so wise. I was on Natalie Grants website the other day and found out that she just started blogging... i read her first entry and it seems she has the same fear i do. Sounding Stupid!
I am tryinig so hard to know Christ right now, to fall completely in love with Him, to figure out who i am no matter what mistakes i've made in the past.... I'm reading this book and it's been such a help during this time. It's changed my whole outlook on God. It's making me let go of all my preconcieved ideas of who Christ is and think about EVERY aspect of who He truly is, as Father (God), Son (Man), and Holy Spirit. I guess i've never truly taken the time to think about it in depth.... i caught myself "talking" to Him today while i was sitting in my car waiting for one of my classes to start and it was as if i was telling Him a joke and we were laughing together. Might sound stupid, but i was like YEAH Father... i want to laugh with you, i want to be SO in love with you, i want you to be my Best Friend. I want the simple things to be SO beautiful to me. In the book there is a part where Jesus (as fully Human), is sitting on a boat dock looking at the stars and He says "man this is SO beautiful it never gets old".... and the man with Him is like, "but you created it, what do you mean it never gets old? " and so they have this conversation and He tells him, even though i am fully God i came to Earth and took on EVERY role as a human... I experienced life just as you do. So when i see the trees, flowers, or stars in the sky it's as if i'm seeing them for the first time and it's SO beautiful. I want to have His Eyes. I TRULY do.
I catch myself getting scared because i'm like God if i fall in love with you and my desires line up with yours then what if one day the human desires creep back in... i'm always going to be cautious and afraid of falling, because living like you isn't HUMAN, it's not normal. This weird fear i guess... i can't even explain it. But then i realized that's the WHOLE point... it's not normal for us because if there was no effort in it, then there would be no relationship. A friend told me once, if God just MADE you love and make right decisions, there would be no relationship or true LOVE there. The fact that we have to think about things, we have to put forth an effort and care shows how much we want to know Him.... My problems aren't going to go away completely, but i have to look at that as a way to keep me reminded of Christ. To keep me reminded of what He has done for me, and how much i need Him!
I want to experience Him in a way i NEVER expected, to fall in love with Him and grow in His wisdom, WAY beyond anything i ever thought possible. Sometimes it seems like i'm trying to reach this goal that i will never get to, but i won't let that stop me. I want to know my Savior!
I recently heard a song by Point of Grace called Heal The Wound... it talks about how sometimes we wish we could rewrite history, erase the past, i use to pray that you would take the shame away.... so then i can pretend i dont even know who that person is, but i've realized it's the memory of the place you brought me from that keeps me on my knees.... When God heals, He often leaves the scar to remind us how merciful He is. Our past, our testimony's speak louder and deeper to others around us than i think we really know. I've always had this fear of my testimony, like it's not good enough or something.... but i heard a speaker say once that EVERYONE has a story, and every story should be told, because someone out there specifically needs to hear YOURS.
This is getting incredibly long and isn't even flowing, but that's how i work. I'm growing, and i'm learning... even though somedays i feel like i've hit a brick wall.