Wednesday, April 23, 2008

my heart sings.

I have been really focusing on what it means to give my ALL, my entire Life, heart, and mind, everything to Christ.... what it means to be complete in Him. To realize that nothing i find, NOTHING will make me happy. No relationship, no career, no hobby, no friendship, NOTHING will make me happy. Being complete in Christ is the ONLY way to live and be happy, then those friendships, careers, relationships are ways for me to grow, to share, to expand, whatever the case may be. I feel like a lot has changed lately, but still at the same time i'm like AHH i'm so not even close to being there.

Music has always been a part of my life, but i struggle with it on a daily basis... i never want it to be about me. I pray about this continually, everytime i get up to sing, everytime i think about singing as a career.... i'm like Father i can't do it if it's about me, i want to get up there and the overflow of YOU in my life to just pour out and it be SO real.... nothing about how talented or gifted i am, but people being COMPLETELY in AWE of YOU... of you speaking through music. THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE is my hearts desire. I love to sing. Some of my most meaningful moments or worshipful moments are when i'm singing in the music room at my house, completely alone. Most of the time i will be home alone, no one else is there, or either they're busy paying no attention. I will pour out my heart to God and it seems SO real, and i love it because it's not about me or what anyone thinks of me... it's me giving back my voice to the Lord, the Giver - the One who blessed me in this area in the first place.

With it being my last year of school i look ahead and am not sure where i will be a year from now. It's very frightening, but i know that my Soveriegn Lord is in Control and i just have to know Him, Love Him, and follow Him!!!! I've been praying for Him to show me His desires and for mine to line up right there with them.... for it to sink deep into the depths of my heart and who i truly am and CHANGE me.... I find myself more and more everyday loving to sing, and thinking about it more and more... i'm not to sure if this is Him, or what, but i will continue to lift it up to Him and grow in that area. If He chooses to give me the opportunity to sing i will take Him up on it and give Him all the glory!

My parents and i are practicing a song that we are singing at church in a week and a half and i am SO excited about it. We just got through practicing it a few minutes ago, and i just can't express how much singing fills my heart. Music does just about everything to me..... it makes me feel worthless, full, sad, excited, overwhelmed, unworthy... SO many things.

I will continue to pray for God to change me, make me over, truly truly make me over as i seek to know Him and be obedient to His calling on my life.

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:19-20

Father i come to you now acknowleding that You are the True Giver of all things. Thank you for my family.... and my parents that brought me up and introduced me to music at a very young age. Nothing makes my heart overflow more than singing Father. I want to give it ALL to you, i want it to be an expression of my gratitude and praise to you EVERYTIME i open my mouth and lift up songs to you. I want it to be worship to your ears Father. Not just my voice, but the way i choose to live my life. God i want to know you so bad, i want to recognize your voice and be obedient to whatever you call me to do. Keep me near you Father, and aware of how you speak to me. Help me to recognize You in my life and go wherever you call me to go, even if that means to places that i am not comfortable going. Show me Your truth and guide me in Your plan for my life. I love you Father, but i want it to go SO much deeper. Hear my hearts cry Father. please. I need you and i love you. I lift up Diane, Iona, Josh, Tim, Larry and whoever else is traveling and attending papa Hanks funeral tomorrow. Keep them safe and hold them in your arms. May the joy in their suffereing during this time speak so loudly to those who attend. Thank you for pain, suffering, growth, and joy.... me.

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