Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Today i opened my inbox to find an email adressed to Graduates.
O, wait. That's me! You get these emails all 4 years that you are in college - they just click that little folder that sends them to ALL students and the undergraduates get to sit there and realize, 'hmm thanks, i still have SO far to go'. You get so use to ignoring them... This is for me - AHH, i actually have to read this.
Deadline for applying for graduation is coming up in about 2 weeks.
Rehearsal will be May 1, 2009 and the crazy crazy crazy Graduation ceremony will be held May 2, 2009 in the Ornelas Spiritual Life Center.
My heart is sinking... lol. This is so incredibly scary.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Brandon and his girlfriend left last night to go to her home town for a dentist appointment. The dreaded wisdom teeth removal surgery appointment! That's a mouthful right there. Try to say that fast! They are spending the weekend with her family and coming back on Sunday evening.
Casie has gone to West Texas to visit her boyfriend at Texas Tech. It's family weekend and Mrs. Becky (his mother) invited her to go along... unannounced to Jordan. It's a TOTAL surprise! She called me about an hour ago to let me know they had made it safely. Jordan came to the hotel to meet his mom and when he knocked on the door, Casie answered! SURPRISE!!! He had no idea! Good Job, girls!
Mom, Dad, and I are going up to the Civic Center to help serve dinner to the Evacuees tonight. What an exciting thing! I've never done anything like this before, and honestly i've never seen my parents be apart of this type deal either. I was shocked when they called to ask me to come along. I have so much stuff that i need to do, but i didn't want to pass up this opportunity.
Tomorrow evening Cari and I will be going over to Louisiana to lead worship for a Women's Ministry. If you think about it say a little prayer for us. I have never done this before. I've sang in concerts all my life, but never have i stood up infront of a group of people and lead worship. I want it to be genuine, nothing rehearsed, nothing for show. I am pretty nervous about it.
I have 4 tests, a group presentation, and a book report all due next week. And that's just school! I think the Lord is teaching me how to balance and manage things.
When you pray for something, you better get ready for all that is about to come your way.
I thank you Lord for who You are. Help me to grasp even the tiniest bit of who You are, all You've done for me, and how much Your love me. Take me deeper with You Lord. I pray for my family. You know each of our schedules, but beyond that You know what's going on inside our hearts, Lord. Bring clarity, be our light and guide us through this time. I pray over the service tomorrow. That You will help me to forget about everything else that is going on in my life... that i will get up on that stage and truly be in Your presence and worship You. Thank you for Cari, and her patience. I lift her up to you also. Prepare our hearts for You. I need Your forgiveness, I need You so desperately in my Life. I love You Lord.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I added a new blinky button thing on the side bar to the right :
It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. -The Nesting Place
I've had The Nester on my list of blogs that i like to visit for a few weeks now. She's so creative and i love it. Also, she updates her page almost every single day so it gives me something to do... when i should be doing other things. She loves to decorate, but calls herself a lazy perfectionist. She doesn't sew things, she doesn't hem her curtains, she hangs things higher than they are supposed to for many different reasons... some for the eye sake, some for technical sake, you get the idea. She even has this thing that she calls Window Mistreatments. Instead of Window Treatments - following all the rules, fixing them perfectly and how they SHOULD go, according to the professional decorators and what not, she takes short cuts and blah blah blah - hints the Mistreatment of the windows. Actually she mistreats a lot of things in her home (decorating wise). Basically she breaks the rules.
A friend and I went on a walk yesterday. I had been thinking through some questions that i wanted to ask him. Since i have spent majority of my time with him, i figured he knew me more than any other person in the world. I wanted to know something i needed to work on as a person specifically.
"What are some things that i need to work on, deal with, whatever?"
As friends we are suppose to sharpen each other, spur one another on in love and so on.... I guess that's what i wanted. I wanted to (as Cari would say) stick my pride in my pocket, hear what he had to say and learn how to fix it. I guess i just want to love more, be a better friend.
It didn't take him long to think of something... actually a matter of seconds and words came spitting out of his mouth. :) haha! (thank goodness i was prepared!)
After i got him to define the word and give an example, we were good to go.
Definetly right on track with that statement. That's me.
"Like the Pharisees" he said, "you're worried about all the rules."
I asked him to give me an example of where i've done this in my own life. Not because i don't believe him, i'm right on track and totally believing it. But because i'm a detailed person. I learn better with examples and plenty of details... more than enough details. You can't overload me with details - i need them dudes! Okay i said details 4 times!
Anyways, he quickly thought of an example - i must really really be legalistic because he didn't have to think long. :( He shared it with me, and i was like... "oooohh, mmm, uhh yeah!"
I won't share the story because there are people involved, but i can share the part after - he asked me why i felt the way i did, or why i was worried about this issue. My answer was because i guess i think of everything as a motive. I so didn't word that right. What i'm trying to say is this, when i do something i try to figure out what my reasoning or motives are behind it... if they aren't good then i shouldn't be doing it. Hopefully that makes sense.
So i guess in turn i'm very judgemental on people. I expect a lot from them. Not on purpose, but maybe because that's how i am with myself.
This isn't going anywhere. I guess i just really liked the conversation. I loved communicating and being completely okay with someone pointing out my flaws. I want to be able to face them head on, to admit them to myself, and then find a way to deal with them. I think we need friends like that - friends who can be honest with us and we in return not get our feelings hurt. I think like scripture says we should learn to sharpen each other, instead of getting hurt when someone points something out. We should spur one another on in love and good deeds.
Sometimes it's hard for us (as individuals) to see what it is that we are doing wrong. We need people to help us realize and become aware of some things in our lives. Majority of the time they see it before we do. I just want a friend that will be kind enough to share it with me so i can learn to fix it - and hopefully i can be that kind of friend to them also. Not in a judgemental way, but us being on the same page and both wanting to work on things!
I'm going to shut up now.... i'm not making sense. I'm totally stressed out and have way to many things planned on my schedule right now. I've never been this busy. Good night!
And remember - It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. Don't worry about all the rules and following things to a T... just love people, exactly where they are!
Monday, September 15, 2008
There are no excuses when a storm is passing through. You can't go outside because of the weather. You can't get on the internet, watch tv, etc etc etc. I see a family sitting on the floor, playing games, telling stories from childhood, sharing experiences, loving on each other... with the candles flickering all around the room. Mmmm, so warm!
It was a little over 24 hours that we were without electricity. But it never seems to amaze me how much we can find to complain over. We have evacuees staying in the civic center, in church gyms, all over the places... they don't even know if their homes are still there... yet we are complaining about not having electricity and our food in the fridge going bad. Seriously?
I hope in the future whenever i have a family of my own moments like these will be cherished. That they will remind us of the truly important things in life. Family, God, Relationships. They will bring us even closer together as a family. It's times when the electricty goes out that you step back to dwell on God and all that He has blessed you with.
I was reading this Saturday morning before we lost power.
And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. God made two great lights- the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light to the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. Genesis 1:14-18
I thought about that for the rest of the day. Sleeping with all the windows open. Waking up all through out the night to hear crickets chirping and the trees moving in the breeze. Dwelling on God's creation.
It's never just a storm for the Lord. He always has a bigger plan. Maybe it's to get families closer together. Maybe it's to bring the party on the lawn into the house so that you have no where to escape to - you spark up a conversation with your lost friend and lead him to Christ. Maybe it's to bring the lost evacuees to a place where they will hopefully see Christ in how you live, react, etc.
Thank you Lord for all that we are blessed with. Thank you for the sun, moon, and stars. Thank you for Your beautiful creation. We are so blessed beyond what we ever deserve. Thank you for moments when we are forced to stop and dwell on all that You are, and all that You've made. May we never forget the important things... engrave them on our hearts. I love you.
Mom, Dad, and I were in the living room talking - i had to relay this to you... it was just too good to pass up! Listen to what was said.
Mom: "You would think with technology now days we could do something to stop it."
Dad just shakes his head.... "and what do you have in mind?"
Mom: "well, with how technically advanced we are, you would think we could shoot rockets at it to break it up."
Up to this point her arguement was pretty convincing, but don't be fooled... yes, technology is very advanced now a days... as soon as that last sentence came out i realized how RIDICULOUS this conversation was and how silly my mothers thinking was...
Me: "Mom, seriously? You can't stop a storm. It's not just like the ocean decided to make some huge waves and come on land all of a sudden. It's the wind, and everything else coming together in a way that creates all this."
Mom: "That's exactly what your dad said."
Me: "I see where i get my thinking from."
This is one of those moments that is just too funny to pass up. I run upstairs to tell Brandon. This is his response.
Brandon: "O my gosh. That's like, Let's get 2 helicopters and tie a big tarp to it and fly towards the wind to hold it back."
Me: " And i see where Brandon gets his thinking from."
I know he was only kidding, but the fact that he came up with it THAT fast shows you it was in there somewhere.
Poor Poor Momma! She tries so hard sometimes!
Friday, September 12, 2008
I think you might need to take a seat for this one...
Guess what just happened?
I.... Megan... Yes, Me.... Just went out with some girl friends.
I know, i know right?!
I've been thinking a lot... trying to figure out why i am so afraid to make friends and be a part of a group. What exactly is my deal? What happened in my past that has gotten me to this point?
You know, growing up i had a best friend. We were like twins. Did everything together. I was very comfortable with her. Know what happened? She moved. Yep. Fifth grade, middle of the year. I was completely devastated. I don't remember if i cried... i'm sure i must have, but i can't remember at this point.
From that point on i never really had a best friend, or a set 'group' of people that i hung with. I remember 8th grade - guys started to notice me. The cool, popular ones. (the ones who drank, smoke, were cute, every girl wanted) Yep, those. I got my first boyfriend that year. And when he dumped me, i acted like the world was going to end. I remember finally breaking down into tears as i was packing my lunch for school one morning. Mom told me i can't give someone my heart that fast. Should have listened to those words - they were very very very wise.
I dated guys constantly from that point on - up until the last few months of my life actually. And if it wasn't official, i call you my girlfriend you call me your boyfriend, type deal - i was still talking with a guy on the phone each night... or flirting with another.
Maybe i realized they were constantly there when girlfriends weren't always there. Or i knew exactly what to do to win them over and be accepted. Sometimes it's just easier to get along with boys. Or atleast that's what i set my mind on at a young age. Not on purpose of course. I guess out of circumstances....
I started giving myself to any guy who would show me attention. (attention that i learned to get)
Why lose yourself? I don't mean physically or sexually, although that is true also... i mean actually lose who you are. It's not worth it. It takes a long time to figure out everything you missed all those years when you were trying SO hard to be someone else... JUST so you could be accepted, loved, and what ever else for someone who wasn't even really you.
Dude, i am unloading huh? I'm really not angry... promise. I'm actually feeling very good tonight. My spirit is high. I feel clean. (i know that sounds weird - but i don't know, like i can breathe) I guess i'm thinking outloud. One of those post that i would usually put on my personal journal, set to private, so that no one can read. Here we are...
I did eventually gain another best friend. Better than the first one i had. Not neccesarily the person, but the fact that we were more grown up, mature, etc. It was my freshman year of college. We clicked almost instantly. Had so many things in common, yet didn't clash. I miss that friendship. After 6 months she decided to join a social club (just as my depression was hitting a peak) and our relationship was pretty much over. No more time for me, because everything was devoted to her new SISTERS!
We've reconnected. Said our apologies. We are okay with each other. I guess we just grew apart at the time considering everything that was going on.
After that i clung to my x. I didn't have anyone else. Never really had to make friends - i mean i had that best friend, but that was one of those weird situations that hardly ever happens. You don't even have to put forth the effort, it just works out perfectly. I believe it was a total God thing because i wouldn't have made it through my first semester without her in my life... so i don't consider that 'having to make' a friend.
Then that relationship fell apart with that guy and i literally had no one.
I think i've always just kind of closed the door on relationships. I've searched for someone to love me. Some relationship to be in. All the while missing the one relationship that matters most.
If that relationship isn't right you are going to search for something to fill that hole... and you will continually be hurt because NOTHING will ever be enough...
You know when you search for love instead of loving, you never find it. When you try your hardest to find the perfect guy, the perfect friendship, the perfect job, the perfect (fill in this space) instead of learning to accept others as who they are, circumstances as what they are, and love them without expecting something in return... you won't be satisfied. Life isn't easy. For the most part, let's just be completely honest - it stinks. It's really hard. People will betray you. You will be hurt. You will even deceive and hurt yourself. Things will fall apart. Bad things will happen to good people and vice versa. But even in the midst of all of that crap, you can have joy. You can learn to take what life brings you... and you can learn to love it no matter what. When you start doing that - i think you've found the key.
Fall in love with the Lord. Jesus Christ. He is real. Have a real, genuine, personal, intimate relationship with Him. Let Him be your best friend, father, husband and learn to love (and see everyone) just as He sees them. Quit expecting things from people (because really it's probably something personal within yourself that you're wanting...) and flat out love them.
When you get that relationship right, it is then that you will be satisfied... you will start to love others, naturally... and you won't even think about getting anything in return.
I didn't mean to go into all of that. Been thinking a lot. This is who i've been. Continually searching for people to love me, meet my needs, finding faults in them, expecting them to be this or that... when really it was me who was messed up - not them. I needed to fix the one relationship that mattered. And i needed to love without expecting anything in return, because when i expect something or try to find my fulfillment and satisfaction in a human (or thing ) I'm not going to find it... and i'm going to be let down. Don't waste your time losing who you are because you're trying to fit some mold because so in so will accept it. Learn to love who you are. And believe me, i know how hard it is sometimes to not even know who that person is... but search for it like you are searching for hidden treasure... and be that person.
I had fun tonight. For the first time, in a long time and maybe even my entire life, i went out with some friends and didn't expect anything from them and didn't try to be who i thought they wanted me to be. I just WENT and i just WAS. I'm tired of trying to fit a mold, and i didn't even realize that i was doing it. It was some unconcious habit i had formed (probably through dating stupid guys).
I'm going to step down off of this little soap box that i am on.... I feel at peace tonight. It feels pure. I don't even know what else to say. I'm going to go before i regret typing this and have an anxiety attack. Love.
Thank you, Father.
Oh, but i love me some gingham too! Maybe i'll find a way to incorporate them into the room!
If you think of any creative ideas... be sure to let me know! I'm super excited about this project!
These are some flowers that are out in the front yard. Mom planted them at some point, but i've only noticed them as of recent. I love them! I'm not a photographer, nor do i have a camera that is worthy of taking pictures of flowers and stuff. I love my camera, don't get me wrong... i'm just warning you so that you aren't expecting something grand!
Remember the mysterious toilet shelf thing-a-ma-jig that i told you about? Well here it is...
GAG! I'm really thinking i need to do something about that. I cannot WAIT for an actual REAL bookshelf. No heart cut outs, no toilet seat slot, no girlyness. Plain and simple dark brown bookshelf. MMM! This has got to go!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
He revealed to us that we have a group project coming up - next week actually.
Not only that, but we got to choose our topic and our groups.
Since i wasn't there i got the joy of being randomly placed into a group. Once again, don't know any of these people. The project is due next Wednesday a week from today.
After Adult Choir i came home and worked (thought) through some of the next songs we are singing in MP3 (children's choir). I need to start working on more than one song a week. It may seem simple now, but I don't want something to slip up on me and be behind. I felt the need to prepare tonight, so i sat and thumbed through the book. Even penciled in some things.
As i was finishing up with that i remembered this group project... once again, i remind you, is due NEXT Wednesday. I suggested that we all get each others emails, search the web, find information, report it to each other, then divide up how we want to present it. Did i say there are 2 girls and 3 guys in this group? Without the girls nothing would have been planned. I would love to give the other girl credit, but i never even heard her say one word. Think God is giving me opportunities to step up?
anywho moving on... I found a website that was quite helpful and interesting. It had lots of information.
Our topic is Movies/TV Shows. We are to present what our Youth are watching these days. He has given us a 20 minutes time slot. I'm thinking we could pull up some top 10 list and that'll take about 60 seconds and we'd be done... not sufficient for him. Appearently we have to be creative and put more thought into this.
This site was GREAT. It filled my head with so many ideas. Hopefully now we will be able to spread it out to fill more of the 20 minutes that he has given us. And hopefully i will not just take this as a group project/assignment due for school, but i will write it on my mind and heart to remember when i have children. We need to care. We need to be aware of what they are doing, what they are watching. They will model whatever is going in... whatever is being fed to them...
I came home from school today and dad was watching Andy Griffith. This is a daily thing for him. Mom and I sat down and watched it also. I'm thinking that's a pretty good show... :)
This is totally irrelevant, but just felt like bloggin.
Off to bed. Hope you have a fantastic day, night, or whatever follows when you read this. haha!
As for me - Good night!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Last summer we traveled all the way across Texas to a tiny little town, that i can't even remember the name of, for a friends wedding. On our way home we stopped by this place pictured above. I loved how the sun was hidden behind the cross. Perfect Picture Opportunity!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I've folded all the blankets and picked up the Media Room. Put a load of Laundry in the dryer and brought a clean load up. All the clothes are now where they belong. That lead to tidying up my bedroom which didn't take long because i had already cleaned most of it Friday. Then i moved to the bathroom. I cleaned everything - now what i mean by cleaning is not Windex the mirros, scrub'n bubble the counters, etc. I mean i picked everything up and it is now neat and organized looking!
Now that all that is done, i'm not sure what to do with myself.
I've already finished my homework for tomorrow. I've made up the motions for next weeks song for MP3 (Children's Choir). What to do now? I'm still not tired.
This is all so random... i'm sorry for blabbing on.
Below are pictures from my bathroom right now. I'm about to start painting this week if i can settle down with a paint color. There are two rooms to our bathroom : the toilet/shower room, and the sink/mirror room. The rooms are kind of small so it was hard to get a good picture... bare with me. The wall color in these pics are so not accurate - it's pretty bright lime green. Must be something about my camera and the lighting...
This would be the entrance into the toilet and shower.
And now the left.
o my goodness, i HATE the way this picture looks...Here are the sinks in the other room.
Casie on the right.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I don't have anything important to post about... so if you want to skip over this one, feel free!
This is probably my busiest semester yet. Along with being busy it seems as though every single one of my classes or activities involves stretching my personality in some way.
For instance, I am in 3 classes that insist on coming together as small groups and discussing what we are learning. Hmm... i need to make friends? Remember me making that comment - well, here we go! THREE CLASSES haha. And it's not just every now and then, it's everyday. "Why don't you turn to those around you and talk through your thoughts on this matter?" I am learning to love it. I am also learning that we are all so so so different in how we handle (interpret) information in our brains.
Also, 3 of my classes have a big group project due at the end of the semester. Once again getting together with people and working through something.
I am taking Psychology of Religion. I had the professor who teaches this course last semester and that was my main reasoning for enrolling. I enjoyed his class because he put his heart into teaching it. To me he does a very good job at communicating. He challenges his students, but not to the point that they are stressed and uncomfortable to come to class...there is a perfect balance and that dude has it.
This class is perfect for where i am in life and the things i am working through. Today we talked about faith and doubt. Is it okay to doubt your faith? The whole class agreed that yes, it is totally okay and get this, actually normal. I came to the realization that it was normal a little over a year ago whenever i asked a friend about some things that were going through my mind. But i am curious as to why you don't hear much about it otherwise? How come i could ask certain people if they have ever questioned if God existed and they would get bugged eyed and assume that i'm insane? Perhaps it's because they are too afraid to go there themselves. Because it's definetly not a comfortable place to be...
We looked a Kohlberg's stages of Moral Development, Fowler's stages of Faith Development, as well as (i believe) Erickson's stages of how our thinking Develops. We tried to compare all three and it was AMAZING to me how much sense it made. O, i loved it! One of those moments where you see the light, grab your pencil, and write out a sermon in a matter of seconds. I will have to save that for another post because it will take much explaining... and i will have to dwell on how to communicate that to you in a way that you understand what i am saying. So yes, it's okay to doubt your faith. It's apart of you becoming you, having your own personal beliefs and relationship with the Lord. Okay okay, i'm moving on.
I made it through my first year of teaching Junior High Girls Sunday School. I have a lady who is helping teach this year and that kind of stresses me out. I feel more confident whenever i'm infront of a group without someone older than me sitting in and listening. I guess i feel like they are older and smarter or wiser... they will listen to me and i will mess up or whatever. So here is another area where i am being stretched. She asked if she could watch me for a month until she got the hang of things. AHHhh! :)
I was asked to help with the Children's Choir this year. After thinking through it for a few weeks i finally decided to give it a try. Appearently my title is choreographer. AHh. That just stresses me out hearing it. I don't like to be in control. I am very organized, i feel like i have great ideas, but i like to keep them to myself or tell someone else and they can pursue it. I don't like to stand up and just state my point and take control. And like i stated earlier i get very intimidated teaching infront of those older than me. All of these things i will be working through and conquering with Children's Choir. That's one of the reasons i felt like i needed to be apart of it. Yes, it will stress me out. Yes, i will probably mess up. Yes, there will be days when i feel like an idiot. Yes, it will STRETCH me... and more than likely it will hurt at times. But growth can only come from being stretched.
I got the materail (music, videos, cd, etc.) for this years christmas musical yesterday. When i was thinking of being the 'one who teaches the moves' (i like that better than choreographer), i asked our music minister if there were videos that came with instructions on moves and he said yes. I found out after I gave my YES for working that there may or may not be choreography that comes with our selected musical. AHHHhh... This means i may have to step it up even more, be even more brave and confident, to the point of creating my own choreography? There is a video from a church who performed this musical a few years back. Should have known that it would be cheesy and that i wouldn't like it.... So here i am, trying to think through all of this.... be confident and create something in my non-creative brain.... very stressful, but growth, people, GROWTH! haha.
I must admit that i sat through my classes flipping through the pages of this book, reading over words and trying to think of movements. Tisk Tisk! What can i say? I was nervous about getting my first one under my belt. I just needed to get it done, haha! I came home and have completed one song - movements and all! I showed my mother and she smiled. I'm thinking i probably need a 2nd opinion from someone who will tell me wether or not they truly like it. Mom could be acting kind so that she will not hurt my feelings. I don't need that.... i need honesty... blunt honesty. Hurt me, so that i can grow.
So those are the big things.
Classes that involve topics that challenge my thinking ( along with my faith) and why i believe certain things. Working in groups and actually engaging in conversation with peers. Teaching Sunday School with a lady older than I. And the biggest of all, learning wether or not i am truly gifted with choreography and teaching a group of kids to learn them.
I definetly feel like God is working on me. There are so many things that i do not know - not out of stupidity, but out of ignorance... i simply do not know any better.
You will never grow unless you try something beyond what you've already mastered.
I'm not sure where i heard this quote. I thought about it while i was sitting in class thinking about everything i am a part of this semester. Okay, i guess that's all... Have a fantastic evening! Love~
I don't even know what to say Lord. Thank you for knowing my heart, my thoughts, my needs even when i don't know them or can't express them. Continue to work on me. I love You.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
A friend very bluntly asked me this yesterday. I'm thankful for friends like him who aren't afraid to hurt me. He tells me how it is (straight up) and majority of the time he is right on. I'm pretty good at looking at someone, evaluating their situation, and even giving advice... what i'm not good at is realizing it for myself. I need someone to flat out point it out to me then it's like my eyes are opened and i see it.
I glared (sp?) at him because i figured he was talking about one situation inparticular. I soon realized that this is me entirely. I don't pursue anything. I don't pursue relationships (friends, dating, etc), I don't pursue activities, I don't pursue jobs... the list goes on.
I am thinking back to a post i wrote this summer. I had realized that if things happened to me i was perfectly fine with dealing with them, but if i had to decide (hear from God) or choose on my own i wasn't okay with it. I couldn't do it. Often i would pray, "God i don't care what you're asking me to do.... i will do it with everything i have, but i can't hear you, i can't figure out where you are telling me to go."
Why do i need Him to tell me to go? Why can't i just go?
I think He is probably sitting there going 'Megan, you have wasted SO much time because you are waiting on me to tell you to do something. Just go BE.'
I am such an outcome person.
I talk so much about how i don't know what i like or what i want to do. This summer i realized that no matter what i'm doing i should give it my all; no matter if i sense some strong feeling inside of me that God has called me there or if i'm totally guessing. Where ever i am and whatever i am doing i am called to give my ALL; so whenever it's over i can look back and realize man i hated that or man i loved it, man i'm so gifted there or dude i'm SO not gifted with that. But if i sit here waiting for the morning that i wake up and all of a sudden feel like i LOVE something then i'm more than likely never going to get anywhere. I know that it doesn't happen that way, but nevertheless i continue to live that way.
Why? I DO NOT KNOW.
Many people ask what my plans are when May gets here. I don't really have any. Well i guess somewhat i do, but for the most part i do not have a clue.
I know that i want to move out, because i think i need to grow up. I need to be on my own and learn some things. Part of me even wants to move out of Marshall. (yet there are many things that i fear about all of this)
I got to the point to where i was okay with not knowing what job i would have. I was gaining confidence in so many areas of my life. I knew that i could do whatever He asked me to do, and i would give it my all so that no matter what doubts came i wouldn't be able to blame myself.
I have now gone a step further after this friend asked me this question.
Not only do i need to give my all in every situation to find out wether or not i like it, but i need to pursue things. They are NOT just going to magically fall in my lap.
I guess i just figured that i would all of a sudden discover something i loved and i would get a job in that area. Or someone would offer me a job or mention something and i'd go there. Why am i waiting on everything to come to me? Why don't i for once go out and DO something (on my own, without being told)?
I could list many reasons as to why i'm like this. Some of it just being ignorance; i simply did not know any better. Some being how i was raised. But finding out all those reasons do nothing.
I need to get out there and try things.
Today in one of my classes we were talking about missionaries and common misunderstandings that come with them. Here is one of those:
All missionaries are good with learning/speaking a foreign language.
Our teacher told many stories to prove that it wasn't true, but it was this sentence that grabbed ahold of me.
You will never learn (a language) if you are afraid of making a mistake.
He said the part in parenthesis also, but the italicized part is what i heard for myself.
I can't sit here waiting for everything to fall in my lap. I also can't wait for everyone to come to me offering me opportunities. Who cares if i don't feel a strong call from God - GO FOR IT and see how it turns out. You aren't always going to feel that sense of Him telling you to do something. Sometimes you just have to risk and try things.
It's like i am sitting here on the fence waiting for the wind to blow and knock me off.
Why don't i jump off it... pick a side and go... if i'm wrong, He will bring me back... but if i wait for the wind to blow i might be there for a while.
(i did very good last week walking up to girls and introducing myself. i have stepped it up around the house (all summer) helping clean and do other things without being asked. So i am learning. But still for the most part i don't pursue and that needs to change. I will never learn until i take a chance and risk making a mistake.)
What Do I Know of Holy - Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all. If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
What do I know of You who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about how You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be...The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees.
What do I know of You who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life it's name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise?All creation knows Your name on earth and heaven above. What do I know of this love?
What do I know of You who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?