The Fence

"Why don't you ever pursue anything?"

A friend very bluntly asked me this yesterday. I'm thankful for friends like him who aren't afraid to hurt me. He tells me how it is (straight up) and majority of the time he is right on. I'm pretty good at looking at someone, evaluating their situation, and even giving advice... what i'm not good at is realizing it for myself. I need someone to flat out point it out to me then it's like my eyes are opened and i see it.

I glared (sp?) at him because i figured he was talking about one situation inparticular. I soon realized that this is me entirely. I don't pursue anything. I don't pursue relationships (friends, dating, etc), I don't pursue activities, I don't pursue jobs... the list goes on.

I am thinking back to a post i wrote this summer. I had realized that if things happened to me i was perfectly fine with dealing with them, but if i had to decide (hear from God) or choose on my own i wasn't okay with it. I couldn't do it. Often i would pray, "God i don't care what you're asking me to do.... i will do it with everything i have, but i can't hear you, i can't figure out where you are telling me to go."

Why do i need Him to tell me to go? Why can't i just go?

I think He is probably sitting there going 'Megan, you have wasted SO much time because you are waiting on me to tell you to do something. Just go BE.'

I am such an outcome person.

I talk so much about how i don't know what i like or what i want to do. This summer i realized that no matter what i'm doing i should give it my all; no matter if i sense some strong feeling inside of me that God has called me there or if i'm totally guessing. Where ever i am and whatever i am doing i am called to give my ALL; so whenever it's over i can look back and realize man i hated that or man i loved it, man i'm so gifted there or dude i'm SO not gifted with that. But if i sit here waiting for the morning that i wake up and all of a sudden feel like i LOVE something then i'm more than likely never going to get anywhere. I know that it doesn't happen that way, but nevertheless i continue to live that way.

Why? I DO NOT KNOW.

Many people ask what my plans are when May gets here. I don't really have any. Well i guess somewhat i do, but for the most part i do not have a clue.

I know that i want to move out, because i think i need to grow up. I need to be on my own and learn some things. Part of me even wants to move out of Marshall. (yet there are many things that i fear about all of this)

I got to the point to where i was okay with not knowing what job i would have. I was gaining confidence in so many areas of my life. I knew that i could do whatever He asked me to do, and i would give it my all so that no matter what doubts came i wouldn't be able to blame myself.

I have now gone a step further after this friend asked me this question.

Not only do i need to give my all in every situation to find out wether or not i like it, but i need to pursue things. They are NOT just going to magically fall in my lap.

I guess i just figured that i would all of a sudden discover something i loved and i would get a job in that area. Or someone would offer me a job or mention something and i'd go there. Why am i waiting on everything to come to me? Why don't i for once go out and DO something (on my own, without being told)?

I could list many reasons as to why i'm like this. Some of it just being ignorance; i simply did not know any better. Some being how i was raised. But finding out all those reasons do nothing.

I need to get out there and try things.

Today in one of my classes we were talking about missionaries and common misunderstandings that come with them. Here is one of those:

All missionaries are good with learning/speaking a foreign language.

Our teacher told many stories to prove that it wasn't true, but it was this sentence that grabbed ahold of me.

You will never learn (a language) if you are afraid of making a mistake.

He said the part in parenthesis also, but the italicized part is what i heard for myself.

I can't sit here waiting for everything to fall in my lap. I also can't wait for everyone to come to me offering me opportunities. Who cares if i don't feel a strong call from God - GO FOR IT and see how it turns out. You aren't always going to feel that sense of Him telling you to do something. Sometimes you just have to risk and try things.

It's like i am sitting here on the fence waiting for the wind to blow and knock me off.

Why don't i jump off it... pick a side and go... if i'm wrong, He will bring me back... but if i wait for the wind to blow i might be there for a while.

(i did very good last week walking up to girls and introducing myself. i have stepped it up around the house (all summer) helping clean and do other things without being asked. So i am learning. But still for the most part i don't pursue and that needs to change. I will never learn until i take a chance and risk making a mistake.)