I have been thinking about my blog all day.... what to say? how much to share? what to talk about?
My emotions have been like a whirlwind inside of me all day. I have shed many tears today before the Lord - some out of frustration, others out of complete fear, and still others because i long to be in His presence. I long for everything in me to be His. I want to be willing to drop everything that i am doing and go where He calls me. Wether that be while i'm in a movie theatre and feel the need to get up and leave....or if it be to wake up at a random hour in the middle of the night and pray.... or to stand up for something that i believe in no matter who is there and what they'll think of me... if it be to lift up my hands infront of a group of people - with tears streaming down my face... if that means walking this way while everyone else i know is walking the other way... if it means stopping this job or that degree and starting another... i long to know Him and be completely obedient.
I posted a while back with some things that i was struggling with - i have been thinking on those for a while. I feel like i have come to realize some things, but haven't been able to post about them yet.
I have never truly had to make a 'decision' in my life. I mean up to this point everything was kind of planned out for me. When you're a kid you kind of just follow where ever your parents take you. You go to elementary school, middle school, junior high, high school, and then for me - college. Even when it came to getting a job in high school - i never made the decision on my own... my parents had to force me by threatening to take away my car.
I remember trying to decide where to go to college. I guess it was the first and only decision i really made... although the ONLY place i looked was Ouachita. I never had an interest in any school or career or degree - never had thought about... never had to make a decision towards MYSELF up to this point. I just figured one day i would wake up and KNOW! i dont know maybe? My choir teacher talked about OBU all the time through out my years in her choir program... never did i have an interest in it. She took groups of people down to visit the campus every year - never did i go. I don't remember the day that i changed my mind.... could not tell you when it even came into the picture. All i know and remember is that we took a trip up there all of a sudden and i auditioned for the Dean of the School of Music. I don't know have a clue what my thoughts were or my motives of going to this school... Both of my parents went with me to my audition. I warmed up with a wonderful encouraging lady who eventually ( a year n a half later ) became my voice teacher and person who i could confide in. After i sang through my songs for the Dean and Choir Teacher, they took me into this office with my parents... we were sitting there waiting to hear if they were going to offer us a scholarship and if so, what that amount would be.
They announced the amount to us... it was the highest amount they gave to anyone. I was excited (because back then didn't have much confidence), but i had no clue about money. I didn't know anything about tuition cost and if this award would help significantly or what not. I was just excited that i got anything at all. After we left the office mom and I stopped to use the rest room. I was still completely lost i guess (i thought everything was good, YAY we got a scholarship) - i remember her telling me that i could not go to school there. I stood there confused, realizing that i wouldn't understand because i didn't comprehend the whole money situation. We got in the car and started to head home.
For the next few blocks my parents argued over wether or not we should turn around and go talk to someone about our situation. (o yeah, this school was out of state) To this day i can see myself sitting in the back seat unafraid, not worried.... i'm not sure if it was a peace from the LORD... I just know that i knew this is where i was going (because my God isn't worried about money). I guess part of me was certain. I didn't want to look anywhere else - i dont know if it's because i just didn't want to, or if it truly was the Lord through me.
We did turn around that day - we talked to my admissions counselor and ended up getting more scholarships... they were so helpful and willing to do whatever it took to get me to this school. I still don't know if i made the right choice to go to that school. I regret a lot about it. Not the school, but i guess myself.
I spent too much of my time worrying about my 'decison'... i didn't feel right about my major, the guy i was dating, the school i was at...
I had never had a responsibility... i didn't know the Lord as much as i lead myself on to believe... I had never had to make friends ...
With the situation with my ex ending, i once again had no say in the decision that was made.... Don't get me wrong - i'm thankful that my parents stepped in. Who knows where i would be right now... I just wish that i would have been mature enough to choose on my own. I was just so worried about everything - expecting it all to fall into place and make sense... but nothing ever went away. All the doubts were still there - with the relationship (and with school.)
I sat there a few weeks ago thinking about my past and where i was with the Lord right now. I was so desperate to hear from Him... i had heard so many people talk about 'hearing' Him and being completely 'certain' that this is where He wanted them. i wanted that for myself. I trust in God - i believe in who He is, completely - i know what He is capable of - i believe in His power...
I am afraid of myself.
I know that He can speak to me - i was afraid i was not going to recognize it... I know that He loves me - i was afraid i was going to ignore His love and His guidance...
I don't trust myself.
It's like i look at life and situations in 2 categories -
Somethings happen to us that are completely out of our control... such as miscarriages, lost loved ones, car accidents, getting sick....
Then there are situations where we must 'decide'.
Remember this is what i'm not GOOD at it... have never had to do it. I know that God has plans for me - plans for a hope and future... and He will finish those plans. But I also know that i have to be willing to listen to Him and i ultimately must choose what to do. What if i don't recognize His voice? What if i 'choose' the wrong thing?
I guess in the past i have always taken situation number 1 above and been okay with it. I'll just let it go and realize that it was or was not God's Will. But when it comes to me listening to His voice and then 'deciding' - I freak out.
From that moment on i changed the way i was offering up my prayers.... (through reading another woman's blog and feeling lead to do so). I am still very afraid, but am learning to WAIT. Continually telling myself that He WILL speak to me when He is ready... all i can do is seek Him over and over, and ask Him to open my Spiritual Ears so that i can recognize Him in whatever way He chooses to speak to me.
I don't want to box in Him - we are called to have faith like little children... i guess i'm just really really worried that i'm not going to hear Him... then i'm afraid that i expect to hear Him in the wrong way....
I realize that this post is probably not making much sense and is very random, but i ask for your prayers. I have been trying to step out on my own for the past 4 months. To rely on my Father and not MAN. I've been seeking His face more than ever before in my life. I'm still unsure of what He is telling me, but in my heart i kind of feel like i'm getting a certain answer over and over. Not sure if it's Him though. I just keep praying that He will continue to speak to me over and over, like He did Samuel, until i recognize that it's the Lord that is speaking to me...
So i type this asking for your prayers - to be sure of what the Lord wants me to do in this situation.... no matter how fearful i may be. I want to hear Him for myself so bad, make a decision, and feel certain that it was the Lord who spoke it to me...
I want to make a decision on my own, people....
I also have some more prayer requests to lift up - A guy came up to me at church last night asking about my major... i told him (General Studies) and he responded with this, "you are better than that... that's a degree for people who have no goals." I wasn't sure how to respond to that... what to think. i'm not sure if the degree i'm getting is the one that Christ wants me to pursue. It's been on my mind for a while (actually since my freshman year, yeah see- still there) It's my last year of school so it's kind of late to change, but if that's what He wants of me then i want to be obedient. I took the easy way out a year ago thinking maybe this is where He wants me, but now i'm not sure. I can see both sides in the situation... I know that even though i may have taken the easy way and made a mistake, this could be exactly where He wants me and just wants my trust when May comes that He will guide me and open the door for a job or what not.... I also know that He may want me to change no matter the issues of money or time, and that even though i may not feel smart enough, confident enough, or qualified enough - He could very well be calling me to pursue this other degree.... so i ask that if this is where He wants me and the exact degree that He wants me to have that i will find His peace and continue on trusting Him with my future... if not then i will be able to stand up, get loans for myself (because once this year is over, i'm on my own), and fall in love with what ever He calls me to do.
Also, my mother turned in her two weeks resignation today.... i know i haven't mentioned anything, so this is probably a total shock. She didn't want to let it out until it was a sure thing. She had been praying about this job for a while - she did one of those 'specific' prayers where she asked for a flat out sign and if it didnt happen then it wasnt His Will for her. It kind of bothered me, but if that's what she felt lead to do then i trust her. Turns out He far exceeded her sign that she was asking for... so she felt like she couldn't turn down the offer. This job is less than she is making in her current one, but she feels like it's where He wants her. Pray for His confirmation continually even though the decision is already made. I just want her to be happy! Her job won't make her happy, only Christ will... So i just ask you to pray for her with this new job and yeah - you get what i'm saying.
K well..... this entry has been all over the place. And i'm sorry for that - i need your prayers. I want to know my Savior so bad.... I want to know what it means to hear His Voice... His guidance... i don't want to feel stupid anymore - like i'm doing the wrong thing when everyone else is so strongly feeling something else.... AHH, if you just knew my heart and my mind - i can't even express it to you. I'm so tired of jumping off one side of the fence, guessing that maybe this is the right way. For once in my life, i want to be Megan (completely on her own), seeking the Lord, and then in return hearing His answer.
Thank you all for the influence you are having in my life. You do not realize it... truly. Good night for now. I love each of you.
Father, Creator, Lover of my soul, please draw near. You know me inside, You know when my heart is genuine. I can't come before you being anything else than flat out what you see in me. I can't fool you.... sometimes i feel like my heart longs to be real, but my head tells me that i'm not there. Take me deeper Lord. You don't want me to know all the details or even understand - you just want my trust and obedience. Father i need you. I need you to open my ears and my eyes so that i can find You.... see You.... hear You... know You. I love You Father. I recognize that you know exactly what i need - so please help me to recognize your voice and where you are calling me. I will go, i just need you to show me... please. Forgive me for the sin in my life. O God, i long so bad to know You.... to feel Your presence. So here i am Lord - waiting on You... please come.