From my 6 years in the youth group one of the main things i can remember hearing over and over is, "get your relationship with Christ right and then everything else will fall in place."
My father told me a year and a half ago whenever i was leaving one of my classes at Ouachita that i MUST love the Lord first, or nothing else will work.... no other relationship will last or be possible, unless i truly love Him first!
A friend told me a few months after that, "the ONLY relationship that matters in your life, is your relationship with Jesus Christ..."
I believe each of these people are correct! Although spoken at different times, each of them speak the Truth. I must hold Christ dear to my heart, i must love Him with ALL that i have, i must seek Him will ALL that i am... Whenever He becomes my LIFE, and holds the key to my heart, then in His timing He is going to fill it with everything that He has had planned since the beginning of time. I can't MAKE Him speak, i can't CREATE Truth, i can't FIND peace within myself.... Each of these things can ONLY come from Him. And until i get myself in the right position and place to hear what He has to say, and have a willing heart that is able to accept it... nothing else will work. That may mean that i have to sit in complete silence and cry out to Him for a while, but He will wait and it will be PERFECT... and at just the right time He will speak and i will recognize and be able to completely surrender to all that He has. I must let go of all that i have - i must give Him complete control - and He will not let me down.
"Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it"
Malachi 3:10
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:1;6
My faith is definetly being tested right now... so many things aren't making sense... so many things are unclear.... But i'm thinking if the LORD provided a whale to swallow Jonah and bring Him back whenever he DELIBERATELY disobeyed, then if i am deceived and go the wrong way - He will come and get me. The only thing that i know to do, is let go of everything that i'm holding on to, and trust that He will fill me up with everything that i need.
I believe that you can know something and be taught it your whole life, but not realize that you yourself aren't there.... How come you can hear things over and over and know they are correct and true, but then you hear it in another moment and something about it is completely different and something inside of you changes? It seems like i keep learning the same things over and over! Which confirms our pastors sermon last week - some Truths MUST be taught time and time again... you can never over preach them. Christ must not only be first, He must not only be the center, He must be my LIFE!
I write this tonight because for 4 months now i haven't had a clue... i've been seeking Him, crying out, trying to change my attitude, my focus, everything. It was like i was so unsure of where i was suppose to be going or what i was suppose to be doing. I needed so bad for God to tell me, 'Megan stop doing this and do this', but i couldn't get that from Him. I just wanted to hear SOMETHING from Him - i didn't even know what He sounded like and i was searching SO bad for the tiniest little whisper or glimpse... but still nothing. It's like Abraham in the bible - God told Him to leave His family, His Country, EVERYTHING he was familair with and go to another place... In faith, not knowing where he was headed, he started walking. Sometimes we have to start walking in faith, unsure of where we are going or if it's even the right direction and trust that God is STILL in control. I'm SO afraid of being deceived, i'm SO afraid that i'm going to go the wrong way or listen to the wrong voice, but i must take a leap of faith... i must take a risk for God, and trust that He will bless it, and He will hold me!
I am on a journey to conquer my mind - it is holding me captive. This is the scariest, hardest thing i have EVER had to do... i'm serious, as i type tears are in my eyes because i am SO afraid. You do not understand the amount of confusion in my mind, the many voices, the uncertainty, the doubts that have kept me in bondage for 3 years now... it is time to have a little will power and see what the Lord does. He is good! I must believe it! The Lord will break free, the Lord will bring FREEDOM through my obedience and faith in Him.
I need You so bad Father! I'm desperate for You! I will wait until You choose to make Yourself known to me... o God, don't let me miss it!
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