Thursday, July 10, 2008


My phone died a few days ago and totally resisted the life i tried to give back to it... it wouldn't respond to my charger. I tried Brandon's because we have the same phone, but still got the same response. After 2 days of nothing, i finally tried my car charger. I wanted to make sure it was really messed up before i took it up to Alltell and made a fool of myself. o yes, it's happened before. It wouldn't work for me, but i took it up there and the phone was FINE for them. Whatev!

The computers also decided to go on strike this week. It started out just with the laptops - then slowly took over each computer in the house. I don't talk on the phone much, or receive many emails... so this was not a big deal to me. It felt good once again to see that we don't need those things to live. I got upset, because it seemed like everything in my life was going wrong. I don't need the phone or computers, there are ways of going around those, but when you are in the middle of a storm trying so hard to figure things out, it just adds on to your list of things that seem broken.

I have been going down hill for quite a while now, feeling like my prayers have been hitting the ceilings. I'm pretty good when it comes to situations and hard things happening. I can look at them and if it doesn't turn out the way i wanted, if i don't get a certain part or position, i just blow it off and realize it's not God's Will. When it comes to a flat out storm in life, when you can't tell the truth from a lie, that's when i'm toast. I state once again that my issues are with trusting myself.

Say you are applying for a job and you are going for interviews, doing all sorts of things and it's like all these doors keep closing in your face... or people think you're totally crazy or what not...

Do you look at it as 'OH, Satan is trying really hard to get you to coward down, but God wants you to resist all of that and give it your all.' Or the other way 'God is closing the door, trying to get you to realize and accept that this just isn't where He wants you.' I know both of these can be truth... so how do you know which it is. Because both will be there, both voices, but you must choose which to listen to. How do you determine the Lords?

I know it comes with developing a relationship with Him, learning His character, how He works, how He speaks to you, different things like that, but what happens when you feel like you're trying so hard to do all of that and are still getting nothing.

Possibly God is speaking and you just aren't recognizing His voice... you need to dig deeper and find out who He is. How do you do that when you feel like you're doing everything you know to do?

One more thing i know.... It takes a willing heart that is able to accept what God wants. Sometimes we aren't in the right place to hear what He has to say, or we're running from Him. Again what do you do and how do you know if it's your heart that is the issue?

Do you see my problem? I can see almost every single angle and they are all screaming SO very loudly. It's not just in knowing my Savior it's in every aspect of my life. My head tells me that it's me... i need to grow up, i need to do this or do that or what not, but i try and i dont have a CLUE what i'm supposed to be doing. Then sometimes i feel like it's satan reminding me of my past, and i need to resists... again with the voices!

I talked to a friend today because i had been given an opportunity to serve in a certain area and i wanted to pray about it and be sure that it's where God wanted me. I called to give her my answer. Still through all my praying, i got nothing. It's different when it's one area of your life, but when you feel like everything you pray about you hear nothing from Him... surely it has to be you. But what am i doing wrong? I'm crying out people, literally drowning in my tears because i don't know what to do. I just want to know Him so bad, i want to have Faith in Him, and I DO... i just dont trust me! I NEED HIM! I need Him to show me Himself, to fill this void inside of me, to show me the truth and how He speaks to me and i'll follow the rest of my life... i need so much, but don't feel like i can ask because i should accept and be okay with what He's already given me.

I don't know who i am anymore. What i like to do. What gifts/talents He's given me. NOTHING... i can't think clearly through any situation and it's almost as if my emotions are just jacked up.

I can't even express to you all the noise inside. There again, lies one of my horrible qualities. I can't express what i'm thinking or feeling, and no one ever understands where i'm coming from. I just feel like satan is taking over, and i can't find God anywhere. I'm trying so hard to hang on, but my pinky is about to lose grip and i will go flying. I've been doubting every area of my life. I need to find Him. Will you please pray for me? If the Lord lays something on your heart, some scripture, or a personal testimony, i would love to hear it... I have been hesitating about typing this. Not because i'm worried about what others think, i know we are here to help each other. There is a verse in the bible that says something about passing on everything we've learned to those around us... i know there is someone somewhere who understands what i'm going through or SOMETHING. So i share this to be open, to allow someone else to be used by God and then one day, others will be used by my story. I'm sure that i've probably left out ALOT of info, and i'm really sorry, but hopefully you get the picture. There is just so much noise, and i don't know what to listen to. And i can't take it anymore.

O Father, i need You.

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