Are you sitting down?
I think you might need to take a seat for this one...
Guess what just happened?
I.... Megan... Yes, Me.... Just went out with some girl friends.
I know, i know right?!
I've been thinking a lot... trying to figure out why i am so afraid to make friends and be a part of a group. What exactly is my deal? What happened in my past that has gotten me to this point?
You know, growing up i had a best friend. We were like twins. Did everything together. I was very comfortable with her. Know what happened? She moved. Yep. Fifth grade, middle of the year. I was completely devastated. I don't remember if i cried... i'm sure i must have, but i can't remember at this point.
From that point on i never really had a best friend, or a set 'group' of people that i hung with. I remember 8th grade - guys started to notice me. The cool, popular ones. (the ones who drank, smoke, were cute, every girl wanted) Yep, those. I got my first boyfriend that year. And when he dumped me, i acted like the world was going to end. I remember finally breaking down into tears as i was packing my lunch for school one morning. Mom told me i can't give someone my heart that fast. Should have listened to those words - they were very very very wise.
I dated guys constantly from that point on - up until the last few months of my life actually. And if it wasn't official, i call you my girlfriend you call me your boyfriend, type deal - i was still talking with a guy on the phone each night... or flirting with another.
Maybe i realized they were constantly there when girlfriends weren't always there. Or i knew exactly what to do to win them over and be accepted. Sometimes it's just easier to get along with boys. Or atleast that's what i set my mind on at a young age. Not on purpose of course. I guess out of circumstances....
I started giving myself to any guy who would show me attention. (attention that i learned to get)
Why lose yourself? I don't mean physically or sexually, although that is true also... i mean actually lose who you are. It's not worth it. It takes a long time to figure out everything you missed all those years when you were trying SO hard to be someone else... JUST so you could be accepted, loved, and what ever else for someone who wasn't even really you.
Dude, i am unloading huh? I'm really not angry... promise. I'm actually feeling very good tonight. My spirit is high. I feel clean. (i know that sounds weird - but i don't know, like i can breathe) I guess i'm thinking outloud. One of those post that i would usually put on my personal journal, set to private, so that no one can read. Here we are...
I did eventually gain another best friend. Better than the first one i had. Not neccesarily the person, but the fact that we were more grown up, mature, etc. It was my freshman year of college. We clicked almost instantly. Had so many things in common, yet didn't clash. I miss that friendship. After 6 months she decided to join a social club (just as my depression was hitting a peak) and our relationship was pretty much over. No more time for me, because everything was devoted to her new SISTERS!
We've reconnected. Said our apologies. We are okay with each other. I guess we just grew apart at the time considering everything that was going on.
After that i clung to my x. I didn't have anyone else. Never really had to make friends - i mean i had that best friend, but that was one of those weird situations that hardly ever happens. You don't even have to put forth the effort, it just works out perfectly. I believe it was a total God thing because i wouldn't have made it through my first semester without her in my life... so i don't consider that 'having to make' a friend.
Then that relationship fell apart with that guy and i literally had no one.
I think i've always just kind of closed the door on relationships. I've searched for someone to love me. Some relationship to be in. All the while missing the one relationship that matters most.
If that relationship isn't right you are going to search for something to fill that hole... and you will continually be hurt because NOTHING will ever be enough...
You know when you search for love instead of loving, you never find it. When you try your hardest to find the perfect guy, the perfect friendship, the perfect job, the perfect (fill in this space) instead of learning to accept others as who they are, circumstances as what they are, and love them without expecting something in return... you won't be satisfied. Life isn't easy. For the most part, let's just be completely honest - it stinks. It's really hard. People will betray you. You will be hurt. You will even deceive and hurt yourself. Things will fall apart. Bad things will happen to good people and vice versa. But even in the midst of all of that crap, you can have joy. You can learn to take what life brings you... and you can learn to love it no matter what. When you start doing that - i think you've found the key.
Fall in love with the Lord. Jesus Christ. He is real. Have a real, genuine, personal, intimate relationship with Him. Let Him be your best friend, father, husband and learn to love (and see everyone) just as He sees them. Quit expecting things from people (because really it's probably something personal within yourself that you're wanting...) and flat out love them.
When you get that relationship right, it is then that you will be satisfied... you will start to love others, naturally... and you won't even think about getting anything in return.
I didn't mean to go into all of that. Been thinking a lot. This is who i've been. Continually searching for people to love me, meet my needs, finding faults in them, expecting them to be this or that... when really it was me who was messed up - not them. I needed to fix the one relationship that mattered. And i needed to love without expecting anything in return, because when i expect something or try to find my fulfillment and satisfaction in a human (or thing ) I'm not going to find it... and i'm going to be let down. Don't waste your time losing who you are because you're trying to fit some mold because so in so will accept it. Learn to love who you are. And believe me, i know how hard it is sometimes to not even know who that person is... but search for it like you are searching for hidden treasure... and be that person.
I had fun tonight. For the first time, in a long time and maybe even my entire life, i went out with some friends and didn't expect anything from them and didn't try to be who i thought they wanted me to be. I just WENT and i just WAS. I'm tired of trying to fit a mold, and i didn't even realize that i was doing it. It was some unconcious habit i had formed (probably through dating stupid guys).
I'm going to step down off of this little soap box that i am on.... I feel at peace tonight. It feels pure. I don't even know what else to say. I'm going to go before i regret typing this and have an anxiety attack. Love.
Thank you, Father.