Thursday, November 13, 2008

silent scream

checked my degree audit....

looked at the course availability....

decided what i wanted to take...

And now i am about to register for my last semester of college....


Can you hear me screaming on the inside? Because i definetly am. Totally freaking out. Like where in the world did this semester go? I look up and it's already time to register for a new semester?

I was sitting in class today making a list of everything i had left to do before the semester ended... and it hit me. My brother graduates in less than a month. Wait... what? No more classes with him? No more seeing him walk on campus?

I know that sounds retarted, but you get so use to seeing someone and then they're gone and you realize how much comfort it brought you. That sounds retarted, but it's true. For the past 2 1/2 years i have gone to the same school as my brother. And for the past 2 years we've had majority of our classes together - on accident each time. (the Lord knew he needed my help to graduate... he would not have passed without me!!! It's not a secret - he will admit it to you.... he often buys me sonic to repay the many study guides and quiz answers that i provided.) It's going to be so different not having him there.

I made it at Ouachita without knowing a single person in my class or on campus. I act like the world is about to end - it's not. I'm just dramatic and seem to analyze and think about things in deeper details than others. sorry.

I'm also seriously considering getting a real job next semester. "Real" as in not babysitting. Don't get me wrong, i have had fun and i love keeping kids, but i think it's time to do something else. (Possibly past time.)

Plus, i only have 3 classes to take so i need to do something with my time. I need to be fruitful instead of sitting around the house. It'll be good practice for me before i have ZERO classes and a completely empty day. A little preparation - He is good like that huh?

Although, i don't have a clue where to look or what to do. It makes my heart very anxious... but that's part of growing up, learning, and exploring. I've only had one job other than babysitting in my entire life, and that was 2 nights a week at Golden Corral for almost 2 years. I was the most lazy server ever... and probably could have smiled and cared a little more about the people i was serving also. I didn't have the right heart or mindset back then. Since then i've had an awesome friend that the Lord has used to teach me and show me so many things. I honestly don't know where i would be without his influence.

So - i will be okay! I can do this! haha! I'm such a NERD! You think i'm playing... but i'm really nervous, anxious, afraid, unsure.... everything!

While registering for my last semester of college one of my friends said, "AWW you are so grown up." I quickly corrected her... No, this is the point in life where you realize how much more growing you have left to do. How much you've missed. I'm so not grown up... FAR from it!

I need to calm down. He is faithful. He will guide, protect, and keep me. I just know myself - i'm ignorant and it usually takes me long to learn things. I often miss His gentle whispers. I guess i'm afraid of not seeing Him. But worrying will do nothing. So here i go....

Submitting my schedule for my last semester of college.

And then trusting that He will continue to guide and provide.

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