Saturday, June 14, 2008

me? how and why?

I had yesterday and today off.... honestly, although refreshing, i don't like having nothing to do. Maybe someday i will truly enjoy it, but i guess for now i fear. I'm afraid that i'll go back to doubting, feeling alone, or depressed, or whatever else could possibly take me over. I slept in yesterday, i woke up early, but wouldn't let myself get out of bed. I remember being a teenager and being able to sleep til 1 or 2. My parents always told me i was wasting my day, and ALWAYS let me know how lazy i was whenever i woke up... "Well hello sleeping beauty! You FINALLY decide to get up? Your day is half gone now." Sometimes i just wanted to say, "well not really, i stay up late, the hours of my day are just different than yours... but thank you, you have ruined my day by reassuring me that i'm worthless! haha" No i'm kidding, it was never THAT bad! I just can't seem to sleep in late anymore, but i guess it kind of a good thing! Whenever i think of sleeping in, it takes me back to the many months that i went through depression and taking that stupid medication - i need to get over that crap huh? It just grips me sometimes... not in big areas, but still it's there...

Yesterday i didn't do much, some chores here and there around the house, swam (by myself) for an hour n half, watched tv, and then read. Today was a much better day - in the sense that i had stuff to do. I, once again tried to sleep late, got up spent time with the Lord, did some things around the house, ate lunch with the family, got ready, took China to the Vet, went by the Bank, came home and went over VBS material, then waited on a phone call from a friend. I totally forgot that it was Father's day... for some reason, i thought there was a longer distance between Mothers day and Fathers day - but i guess i was mistaken! I decided i should go tonight and get something for him! I invited my sister, but she had plans with her boyfriend... i let her know that he was welcomed to come, if he wanted, but she said if they went it would have to be a quick trip... they did NOT want to shop around. I, on the otherhand, had some other places i wanted to go. I just wanted to get out. I just wasn't feeling the whole going alone thing, i mean i very well could have, which i usually do, but i just didn't want to today. I called an old friend, a few years younger, to see if she wanted to go... she accepted! We both had things we had to do during the day, so i opted that we make it a 'night trip'.

Now rewind a few weeks... I am HORRIBLE at making friends! I get stuck and comfortable where i am, and i don't like to get out, go through the process of getting to know each other... YOU KNOW!? bad attitude - slap me someone! I was SO shy growing up, i never had to make friends... the friends i had, were family friends that i had grown up with, i dont even remembering having to go through the whole get to know you, get comfortable process. I realized a while back that this is something i DEFINETLY need to work on. The only way we can better know ourselves is by being involved in relationships with others, and the only way to serve the Lord is to get out there and do things - to have friends! I'm trying... i really am! It seemed like for a while no matter how hard i tried, i would make plans or schedule things and then the door would SLAM in my face... i got so frustrated. 'ok Lord... i thought this is what you wanted me to do... i was SO sure that you spoke this to me, but i keep trying and everytime i make plans, something happens and it doesn't work out. What do you want from me?' Those were my thoughts! Nevertheless, one night at church this girl popped in my mind. I continued to think about her, and possibly even prayed about it... i get my thoughts and prayers mixed up - is that normal? anyways! I eventually went up to this girls mom and asked her if she went out much, if she had many friends? She let me know that she didn't do much, sat at home alot, studying or what not... I asked if she would be my friend! haha sounds retarted, i'm SUCH an ackward person! I told her that i don't have any friends, and i'm really trying to make some, and i felt like the Lord put her daughter on my heart.... she told me that her daughter would LOVE to hang out! I went up to her after church, told her the story i had told her mom, and then we switched numbers.

I left church that day feeling very stupid, and thought maybe it was better left unsaid, just a dumb idea on my part.... A few weeks later my mom came home and told me that she ran into this same mom in a store, and that it had meant SO much to her daughter that i would even think to ask her to hang out and be friends. Today as i was making plans to go shopping - i gave into my fears and chose to call this close younger family friend... whom i'd be comfortable with. Mom reminded me over lunch that i had YET to fulfill what i had said to this other girl! I had already felt it that morning.... 'CALL HER!' SOooooo, I did! On my way to the Vet, i called her and let her know the plans... i figured with this other friend with us, it wouldn't be so ackward, and i could halfway be comfortable and myself! Turns out, the Lord had other plans! The family friend called and couldn't make it.... i immediately was, afraid? i guess that's what i was feeling?! I started praying, 'ok Lord, here i am.... i SO need you with this one today, this one is definetly out of my comfort zone.... what are you trying to show me today, what am i suppose to say or do? o my goodness... i'm freaking out, anxiety is creeping in... when will it go away? OK OK Take it one day at a time - I need you to guide me through this day Lord, i'm very nervous and scared.... be with us!'

We survived! Each of us.... each with our VERY shy personalities and insecurities! There was hardly ever silence.... i made sure that questions were constantly being asked, or stories were being told. Thank you Lord for carrying us through our night... even though it seems so small and even ridiculous to freak out about, i thank you. I want you Father, i want you to change me, show me who You want me to be... please God! Be with this friendship! May it be used for Your glory, take it where You want it to go!

As i sit here and type this i am reminded of a Girls Retreat that we had my Senior year of High School. The last night the leaders had a special event planned for us. We went outside, around 9 or 10, with the beautiful dark blue sky and stars above us, and noticed a path leading down towards the pond... there were lights leading the path! When we reached the bottom of the hill, there were blankets spread across the lawn.... The smalls groups each had one leader, with about 4 youth girls... That night our leaders got on their knees and washed our feet.... As they poured water over our toes and wiped them off with a towel that had our theme (tupos - Purpose) written on it, they shared with us what they thought about us each individually! Not only did the leaders share, but we went around the circle and told each other words of encouragement, things we enjoyed about each others, things we admired or so on... This same girl was in my group. I remember sitting there with my feet in this metal pot as this lady washed them, and tears streaming down my face because i felt so unworthy! Not because of her washing my feet, but because of these words that were being spoken about me.... i remember this girl crying, almost as if weeping, as she told me how much she admired me.... it wasn't like she was just saying it to make me feel good, like you hear people do ALL the time, to try and keep you going or fulfill their duty of being a good person... this was sincere and from her heart, and i did NOT understand why! I dont even remember what she said, probably because i was in such shock! But i can't forget that moment. She looked up to me? She admired me? WHY? What in the WORLD had i done, that she looked up to me? If she ONLY knew the things i did with boyfriends.... if she only knew this or that, yet she looked up to me? Did she even know, that i wished i could be as innocent as her? I didn't understand, but i was completely humbled in that moment.... I needed to change my life! I WAS/AM worth it to God, He DID/DOES love me... i didn't/don't have to do those things to be accepted, or be that person to be cool.... Someone actually looked up to me... even though i don't know why, it gives me reason enough to realize that i am important to God! And now - i am trying to pursue a friendship with her... maybe she'll realize she's an idiot and wonder, 'what in the world did i use to see in this chic?' hahaha Or maybe God will completely amaze us at what He has planned... i dont know! But i am searching for Him in this, and i'm going to leave my mind wide open for Him to do wonderful things!

I love you Father!

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