Almost a year ago, my mom was driving to a patients house in her car while listening to the radio... they were interviewing a woman named Kathy Herman, a writer, from Tyler. Since we were making the trip all the way across Texas to Guy and Jenae's Wedding, mom decided what better way to pass the time than reading.... Kathy is a christian ficiton author, so mom went to Lifeway and got one of her books. I remember on the way home, after the long week of being in West Texas getting ready for the wedding, tears streaming down my moms face as she closed the book... She had finished it!!! Of course, like always, my dad reached over and messed with my mom at how sensitive she is to crying... I can still hear him laughing! She didn't even try to defend herself... she just smiled, laughed, sniffed, looked back at us, pointed, and said - "yall have to read this!"
I don't even remember when i started reading it, but i took her up on what she said and read the book.... since then i think i've read 5 of her books!!! i love them! It hasn't even been a year, and i've read so many of her books.... At the end of her books, she has some scripture to go along with her story, and questions to get you thinking... If you have free time and enjoy reading, you should look for her books! And may the Lord bless you and speak through them.... He is big enough you know!
I say all of this because i just finished the second book to her most recent series.... I started it Thursday night, and it's Saturday night and i'm ALREADY done!!! haha... shows you how lazy my life is.... but seriously... the book was on forgiveness - Never Looking Back. Which is funny because i have been dealing with so much guilt and confusion the past week. I broke down tonight in my bedroom.... i went in there, closed the door, got on my knees to pray... i desperately asked the Lord to meet with me... to show me something... whatever i have to do to know Him more, to get over this guilt and put it behind me.... i prayed for Him to meet with me.... then i hear my name - no it wasnt Him... haha it was my mom!!!! But i believe it was Him answering my prayer. I havent struggled lately with opening up to my mom and connecting... i will try to explain what i'm feeling and going through but she never understands.... which is NOT her fault. So i kind of closed off.... But tonight the night before Mothers Day - at my breaking point, asking the Lord to meet me... He sends my mom into the bedroom as i'm on my knees.... she comes in and asks what's wrong... so through my tears and hard breathing (haha) i share with her my heart.... what i feel like is the problem, opening up completely to the guilt and things that are inside of me.... we talked for probably less than 10 minutes... but i thank the Lord for what happened tonight!
She reminded me that God has forgiven me for my past... He has sent people into my life, for His purposes and His timing... and He has chosen to take some of those people away... despite my mistakes... it's not my fault... God has a plan and i need to accept that... to let go of my mistakes and the things i may have done to hurt the other person.... I will never be able to know the Lord and become who He wants me to become if i let my guilt take over.... I have to forgive myself....
It always amazes me how God brings everything together.... my past, my mistakes, my wanting to get close to my mom again, my tears crying out to Him, this random book on forgiveness.... AHH it amazes me!!! anyways this book basically reiterated exactly what my mom said to me, and i love that!
1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
Father thank you for who you are... o i love it when you amaze me! Forgive me for being so little minded.... keep taking ahold of my life and filling me with your truth.... i want so bad to become who you want me to become... may i never strive or settle for anything less.... o Father please.... Thank you for Mothers - especially mine.... even though we don't always see eye to eye and would do so many things different, you wanted her to be my mom for a reason... open my eyes to see all of that....Thank you for life! I need you! I love you!