Monday, August 18, 2008

frustrated to the max.

This was written over a period of 3 days... it took me that long to get the guts to type it, figure out how to say it, think through everything, and work around my schedule. I would type bits and pieces whenever i got a chance. Some moments i had to stop either because i was angry, too sad, or couldn't deal with it.

I've been struggling really really really (i need to type -really- many more times) bad with who i am. I don't understand and it's driving me insane. I thought this battle i was fighting was getting better and that i was going to conquer, but i actually feel like i'm getting worse.

How can a person not know who they are? How can they not understand things about themselves? How do you not know what you like? Or what you desire for a husband?

It makes me feel like a complete idiot... and i don't know what to do.

I haven't felt like blogging for a while because i'm feeling so down on myself, and blogging is one place where i don't feel like i compare to anyone else. I stink at expressing myself or explaining anything so each time i've sat down to type i end up x-ing out the page because i can't do it. I don't want to be anyone else, i want so bad to just be ME - but i don't feel like i know who that is... ahh i'm so angry. How many tears do i have to cry before He hears me? What am i missing? What am i doing wrong? I don't understand...

I decided to try and blog about it anyways. Let everything out. I feel stupid doing it, but maybe someone else feels the same way and needs to see that they're normal. I don't feel normal... but i don't know, maybe there's someone out there.

I avoid posting about many topics for millions of reasons : fear of certain people reading them, someone getting hurt by what i say, not explaining myself well enough, being misinterpreted, looking like an idiot.... I wouldn't be rude about anything, it would just be about things i'm learning or wish to let out... things about my life, my relationship with the Lord, and my family that i wish would be so different.

There was one night imparticular this summer where i was really wanting to talk to someone and didn't feel like i could because i was told never to tell a soul what had happened a few years back. I sat down at my computer and blogged on my personal journal as tears flowed from my eyes, onto my cheeks and down on my shirt.

Many times since then i have written in that journal, which is set to private, so that no one else can see it. There's no telling what you would think or feel if you read it. Maybe you would feel completely at home or maybe you'd realize how much of a lunatic i am. The thing i like about it is i don't have to edit anything... i can go in there and say whatever the heck i want, i can type away not worrying about it making sense, and then i can hit publish and not have to sit here in anxiety wondering what will come of it.

I wish that were the case when it comes to this blog, but i can't seem to get there.

I was going to try and explain everything i'm going through, everything that has brought me to this place, everything going on in my mind, in my life, eh-ver-y-thhiing... but i don't know if i can do it.

I don't trust myself... even if i started explaining i would doubt what i was saying... i would feel like i was just making all of this crap up for attention. you're such a liar, megan, get ahold of yourself.

I stink at relationships.

Every single kind of relationship there is. I stink at making friends. I stink at dating. I stink at picking out the kind of guy to marry. I stink at understanding the Lord and being in a relationship with Him. I stink at my own relationship with MYSELF.

I broke off my past relationship because i thought i was wrong. I thought i was too dependent on the guy. I didn't feel like i was where i needed to be with the Lord. I could no longer lean on this guys 'yes' that he felt from the Lord - i needed to be able to know Him for myself and get it too. I couldn't use him anymore. I couldn't stand all of the CRAP and NOISE in my mind.... i just couldn't do it.

There was part of me that felt like i would come around. I would get my life right with the Lord and get a yes too.

But there was a bigger part of me that never saw it happening. Just be real with yourself, Megan... it's over.

I tried admitting everything to myself. Everything that i felt to be true. I tried working through all the noise and being real with myself and with the Lord.

I slowly piece by piece let everything go. I took down all his gifts, all his pictures, everything that reminded me of him. I stopped emailing. I eventually stopped calling after being selfish and afraid of him letting me go. I did everything that i knew possible to show the Lord that i wanted whatever He wanted... here i am Lord, what do you want from me?

I kept thinking about the story with Abraham and Isaac. There was part of me that was hopeful when hearing that story. Maybe he just wants to see that i'm willing to sacrifice it and let it go completely... and then as soon as i'm about to bring down my hand He will step in and bring it back together.

I finally realized that i had to forget about that story. As long as it was in my mind i wasn't fully letting go. I reminded myself over and over that Abraham never knew the outcome. He never knew God would step in - he really let everything go. And i must do that first. If God chooses to step in, so be it. But first, i must forget about the out come of the story with Isaac and do the first part. I must gather all of my supplies, i must carry the relationship to the altar, and i must lay it down and sacrifice it... ALL THE WAY.... and then wait for His guidance from there.

I read Angie Smith's blog about the fine line of hoping and praying for God's power, yet realizing the other outcome is still possible. From that day on i changed my prayer to the Lord. Anytime the thought of this guy came into my mind i would simply say, "I praise you Lord because you are powerful enough... but Your Will be done."

I felt like there were these voices inside of me saying, "Megan, you are still hanging on."

Yet i didn't realize what i was supposed to do next.

"God here i am... i've let go of everything that i know to let go of... i've admitted all of these things to myself and to you.... i know both outcomes... i'm crying out to you.... i'm trying to find you for myself... but i'm stuck here, Lord, and i can't figure out where You are telling me to go."

While we were on vacation this is where i was. So i prayed for the Lord to take me deeper. "What do you want me to do next? I promise that i will do it, i just need You to help me recognize Your Voice and what you are telling me to do next."

One day about two weeks ago i was trying to think all of this through. I prayed and prayed and prayed. There was part of me that felt like God was telling me to call the guy and tell him NO. Just tell him it's over.
"But, Lord, He already knows that. We are broken up. He knows it's over. What good is that going to do him?"
It's not for him... it's for you.
Just trust Me with all that you have.

I didn't understand, but i tried to dwell on it.

I drove to longview fighting all of this in my mind. The whole pray for a sign thing popped in my mind. "okay God if i see his car i will call him and tell him no." I am so not a pray for a sign person. I'm too doubty that i won't believe it even if i see it. I'll just convince myself that i took the easy way out and that i didn't trust the Lord. When this popped in my head i just figured it was satan... i was like NO GOD NO... don't listen to that. I guess part of me knew it was coming... and it did. I passed his car - the exact one. I mean yeah, i had to pass his work on the way to Books-A-Million so duh... there was a huge possibility that he'd be there, but still I had no idea his schedule or if he even worked these days... and of course he was there. I got so frustrated, the kind of frustration that makes you laugh.

I didn't call.

Before i got out of my car at BAM i layed my head on my steering wheel and prayed. "Okay Lord, if this is what you want me to do then i need to do it and trust. I need to trust that no matter what i say or do, You are completely in control. So after i pick out my book i will call him."
I never did.

A few days later i ended up calling him, but not for that reason. Just to talk. I found a good excuse, and persuaded myself. We hadn't talked in a while anyways... what could it hurt?

It did hurt. I wasn't expecting what happened. He was angry with me. He's never been angry with me like that before... and it freaked me out. We got together to talk and after about an hour i finally told him that i felt like it was over. I didn't do it the right way though. I don't feel like i said exactly what God wanted me to and i've regreted it ever since.... but i can't call him back. I have to trust in God. I have to respect him and leave him alone.

Maybe if i'd listened in the first place when the Lord told me to call him, and i had fully obeyed it wouldn't have ended up this way.... but it's done.... so i must forgive myself and move on with my life.

This brings me to the next place that i can NOT explain to you even if i wanted to. It's not that i don't feel comfortable doing it... it really is because i do not know how to explain it... i don't even understand it myself.

I doubt myself way too much.

My dad has mentioned many times that he believes i'm in the midst of spiritual warfare. He did a study this past spring on this topic. I don't know what my deal is, but i always choose not to believe it. It just seems like some kind of excuse. I must be doing something wrong... it has to be my fault. It always is....

I gave in.

I'm doing the bible study.

Want to know why?

Because i can't find myself and i can't seem to find the Lord either. My mind and thoughts are literally consuming, frustrating, confusing, etc...

I took my no that i 'thought' i got from the Lord and was trying to become the Woman of God that He wanted me to be. I knew that i was supposed to be that person no matter who i was around. He was to be my foundation and i should live my life to please Him. I kept praying for my husband - that i'd be the woman He needed. That the Lord would mold me into who He wanted me to be for Him. Yet i felt fake. It's like i was doing all of these things to find Him, hear Him, get closer to Him, fall in love with Him... but something was bothering me inside. I can't explain it and it makes me angry.

I guess it's frustrating because i feel like the Lord would want an awesome christian guy that reminds me of Him to be my husband, yet my mind tells me that i have no desire for that. My mind tells me that it'll never happen. You weren't created for that. You weren't created to be that mom. You weren't created to be that close to the Lord. You weren't created to hear Him.

I know it has to all be lies, but i can't conquer.

My head tells me that i'm creating all of this, but seriously, is it possible for someone to do this to themselves? Really?

I know that if this isn't the right guy for me the Lord has someone else 10 times better for me and it'll all work out, but what's my deal? It's not like i'm sitting here going o my gosh i can't make it without you... i'm dying over here... i'm super sad... i'm depressed.... i'm crazy crazy in love with you - i'm none of those things... my mind is just CRAZY... and i don't understand.

I seriously started wondering if this was who He had for me and i was just running away. Believing Satan's lies.

Maybe i was wrong. Maybe this is it.

After my dad mentioning the Spiritual Warfare study millions of times, other things began to happen.

During church yesterday morning most of the time i sat there frustrated.... tears in my eyes... i didn't even sing most of the time. Ardyn even said, "why weren't you singing?" She kept looking at me, moving the hair out of my face to see what the deal was. I was trying SO hard to focus. To hear Him. To understand, but it's like i couldn't picture ANYTHING. It's like my mind isn't able to comprehend or understand... and it never will be. I"m just stuck here because this is how God has made me... (satan?)

Phil put his arm around me during the offeratory and asked how life was with a little smirk on his face. (He always seems to ask on the days that i'm NOT okay... it's like he can tell or something) I didn't even have an answer for him. Tears came into my eyes. I fought them back, but i know he saw them. He laughed and asked if i enjoyed being sad. I laughed back and said NO. "You know your answer. You know exactly what you have to do to fix this." I sat there trying to figure out what that answer was. I knew what he meant, but i could have sworn the Lord told me no... (did you read my post about letting go?)

I went home and prayed. I sat on my bed afraid to take a nap because i didn't want to miss the Lord if He chose to speak to me. I begged for Him to wake me up if He had something to say. I went to church still frustrated and confused. Want to know what the sermon was about?

How to conquer the enemy-satan and Spiritual Warfare.

During the prayer right before the altar call part of me felt like i needed to go down front. I didn't know why... i had nothing to say... i couldn't think... i couldn't feel... i couldn't do anything... but i've learned if you feel like 'maybe' the Lord is asking you something then do it if you don't see any harm. So down i walked - all by myself to the altar. I sat there... and told Him, "i have nothing to say... i don't even know why i'm down here... but i wanted to be obedient... please come... please show me what to do..." Bro John came over and prayed with me - such a genuine man.

I left still confused and angry.

When i got home i asked dad for the study he had been talking about.

This morning while i was babysitting Zoey had a friend over. The mother of this friend called to talk with me. I hadn't talked to her in months. She randomly asked about my relationship with this guy. ( i knew she already knew my answer, but i told her anyways ) All of a sudden she started talking about Spiritual Warfare and how she had dealt with it personally. She had been through a relationship with a guy who was very mentally abusive and manipulative. She explained it in a way that made me feel like maybe that was what i'd been through. My parents and others have told me that many times, but i just blamed myself. I sat there wondering, "okay God... this has to be you right? this is so random? Do you want me to keep going on with my no or do you want me to think about this?" Part of me got excited - yay maybe it'll all work out... then i was reminded of myself. You use people, you are dependant, you like acceptance, you don't even know what you like, etc. I tried pushing it away. I was in a very excited good mood for most of the day....

I took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese and then went to some other stores since we were already over there.

As we were leaving Walmart walking through the parking lot to get in the car guess who we walk RIGHT up to?



seriously.... i don't get it.

As you can see, mentally, i have some issues.... and i blame myself... but i don't know how to stop whatever it is i'm doing.... i don't believe it's satan... i've tried taking the first step and admitting it.... but i don't want to make an excuse if it's me.... i hate this.

I don't even trust myself posting this, but i'm about to hit publish anyways. I feel like i'm lying and creating all of this..... i wish i had some anxiety pills to pop because anxiety is definetly building up.

Please Lord... please come. If any of this is not true, if it's a lie then please, be in control of that... i need You. i don't understand.

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