Friday, January 9, 2009


It has been a stressful, but very productive and fulfilling past few days. I feel like i'm learning so much. He really is soveriegn and in control despite my decisions and even mistakes. He is always working even when i don't understand. And rain (eventually) brings you to a place of worship that the sun cannot.

Things are changing in my life.

You want to hear my old "plan"? I always thought i would go to college, get engaged and then marry the summer after graduation, we'd wait 2 or 3 years then start trying to have children....

The only part of my plan that has actually come true is that i went to college.

The emotional and mental issues that i've struggled with have always been painful, confusing, and overwhelming, but at the same time it has made me a better person. I haven't viewed people the same way since i've gone through those things. Becoming the loser at school that no one sits with, the girl who looks incredibly skinny and gross and obviously needs help, the person who always seems to worry and gets on your nerves and you just want to shake her so that she'll wake up.... that's me - and it's embaressing. But also very very humbling.

I'm more aware of peoples feelings because of what i've gone through. No, i'm not claiming to know everything. I'm simply saying that being that far down really changes the way you look at people, their situations, and even decisions.

I'm going to admit to you that i've been to that place.

The place where you're hurting so bad that you just want to die. You want to leave this world and get away - i mean there's no pain in Heaven and if dying is what gets me there then i'm ready to go.

I've been there. I feel for those people.

I can't stand when i hear others making fun of people with mental illness (no matter how big or small - it's still an illness). And the reason is because i know that no one would choose to be that way on purpose. Something is really wrong and not lining up inside of them. But you get so use to being in that place that you're miserably comfortable there and can't seem to get out.

We tend to think that our "situation and circumstance" is so much harder than everyone elses. We look at other people and know the answer to their problems. We get frustrated with them for being so stupid and not knowing how to handle what they're going through. Man has my view changed.

I pray that i never forget what i felt while going through all of these issues. I pray that it will continue to affect how i view people and the things they are going through. That i won't pretend to know everything about their situation, their home life, their emotions, their past, etc... And that it will even change how i view my children's behavior and decisions. We don't know what's going on inside of everyone around us.

I still have so much to work on, so much that i don't understand.... but i'm learning that even when it doesn't make sense, even when i'm frustrated to the max, even when it feels like it's taking months and i should be over it by now.... He is still in control.

Hold on.

... but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:4

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