Friday, January 16, 2009


If you don't want to be ill......

Make Decisions.

The undecided person remains in doubt, in anxiety, in anguish.
Indecision accumulates problems, worries and aggressions. Human history is made of decisions. To decide is precisely to know to renounce, to know to lose advantages and values to win others.

I did not write this - and, honestly, i don't know who to give credit to or else i would do that. I'm taking a Behavior Modification class this semester, and to be real with you, I never thought about how it would benefit me. I guess i was thinking more of being a mom and knowing how to handle my children's behavior in a more positive way. On the second day of class my teacher played this video. This was the second page that popped up..... i wasn't even able to finish watching the whole video because i grabbed my pen and started scribbling down the words in my spiral.

I don't make decisions. It's really really warped and i don't even know how to explain it to you. I guess i'm worried about hurting others, doing the wrong thing, picking the wrong career, not finding my calling - which would then lead to me not being 'myself'..... I need instructions, a list, a game plan, i need to know that this is where He wants me and this is what He has called me to do.

Ask me how far that has gotten me?

I mean it's not like i know what i want or even know what i don't want. It's not like this job or that one doesn't satisfy. It's not like so in so isn't good enough for me. I'm just afraid of it/him not being what He wants for me so then i'm living a lie and not knowing it. I just figured you would somehow have this gut feeling or you would know what you wanted in life or where you were supposed to be and who with.

Did you read that first sentence up there? The undecided person remains in doubt, in anxiety, in anguish. If that does not better sum up who i am then i don't know what else does. And the reason it's so frustrating is that nothing has happened to me to make me be this way.

Well, i made a decision. (And i actually made it before i saw this video in class - bonus points.) That's what lead to this post.

I haven't mentioned this on my blog yet because i didn't want to make a big deal about it. And in all reality it's not a big deal. I thought seriously about getting my teaching certificate. I looked online and was getting everything ready to send my application in to be accepted into the program. Then i realized you had to have a diploma - so i couldn't jump at it just yet.

I didn't know what i was going to do about a job (for this semester) and i was about to lose hope. I mean i have MWF off - what am i going to do all day? I don't want to sit around the house - i mean i would love to, but i'm too afraid that i won't grow up or learn or whatever else you can be afraid of. I've been cleaning this house like crazy - there's not much left to do.

Then mom called and told me i should SUB this semester on my OFF days. That way i can decide whether or not i even want to get my certificate. I filled out my application and turned it in the next day.

You should have seen me when i went to turn that thing in..... i'm walking up to the door and all of these thoughts are going through my head - what am i doing? am i even capable? i'm going to be in charge of a group of students? am i even ready for this? do i even want this, much less like the idea? ahhh ahh ahh...

I headed straight for the bathroom and prayed. Then i took a deep breath and turned in my application.

I got the job.

And i'm terrified. super nervous. slightly excited.

So there we go. Now you know. I'd appreciate your prayers if you don't mind. And i would love to pray for you if you have anything you're dealing with.

As it turns out - Behavior Modification might be an answer to prayer. (We even have to pick a 'behavior' that we want to change, find an accountability partner, and keep a journal... I'll let you know how it turns out.)

Love You All -

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