Friday, October 24, 2008

Out of the Box

Transparent :

  • Capable of transmitting light so that objects or images can be seen as if there were no intervening material.

  • So fine in texture that it can be seen through; sheer.

  • Easily seen through or detected; obvious: transparent lies.

  • Free from guile; candid or open: transparent sincerity.

  • Obsolete Shining through; luminous.

I attended my first week of bible study last night (although it was technically the third week to the others). Each time we meet we exchange prayer cards - a flash card on which you write your name and any prayer request, need, praise, etc that you might have. In Bible Studies in the past you exchance these as you are leaving, as in about to head out the door, adios.... Most of the time i wouldn't even read mine until i left or got in my car. Our leader had the great idea to put us into small groups this year - about 5 or 6 women sharing their hearts, struggles, hurts, wounds, praises....

:/ Does that make you feel as uneasy as it does me?

We would now start exchanging these cards at the beginning of our meeting together in our small group meeting time. I already mentioned that i missed the first two weeks, and you know how shy i am.... I don't need to tell you how much this idea of small groups bothers me. (in my mind and as a whole i think it is beautiful and i love it. But when it involves me actually sitting there participating, i aint lovin it.) Personally, i am struggling. Really bad with some issues in my life - past, current, future, all of the above.... sometimes i don't even know what is wrong - i just cry and feel psycho.

As i sat there contemplating what to write on my prayer card (or how LITTLE to write) i started thinking. We are about to break up into small groups.... who did she say was in my group again? Would i be okay with this person knowing this about me? They see me singing in the choir. I'm supposed to be so on fire for God and so in tune... i can't tell them that i struggle with 'this' on a daily basis. ('this' being what i'm going through)

A friend once told me - the best hold the enemy has over you is a secret. I'm sure that's not how it was worded, but you get me. We hold things in because we are so afraid of someone knowing, or we want to be big and mature and get through it or figure it out ourselves... all the while we are hurting so bad inside. It's so unbiblical. Not to mention unhealthy. Painful. Time consuming.

You may even have a very good reason for feeling the way you do and not being able to share your deepest hurts with someone. Maybe you don't trust anyone because of some relationship(s) from your past. Maybe you've never felt like anyone truly cares. Maybe you don't want to be annoying. You don't want someone to see how truly an idiot you are, and how immature you really can be. who knows....

I decided to let it go and be real. So what if i break down and cry when this person reads my card and comes up to me saying - Megan, i had no idea.

My insecurities and all of my hurts were on that flash card.... written down for someone else to see.

I caved. I couldn't do it.

I grabbed another card and wrote the famous - unspoken. And some 'bigger broader' words that had to do with the things i was struggling with. Like Graduation and plans after, discerning the Lord's voice. Things like that. (God knows. It's not necesary to write it all down.)

I felt as if i had WHIMP written all over me. You couldn't do it. Just go back home and sit in yoru little rocking chair and cry and cry and cry..... It's much more comfortable there. Quiet. No one can see your tears. No one talks to you. Eventually one day you'll get over this.

I knew He wanted me to write my heart down on that card, but i couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I mean even if i did i would feel like i was lying, or making something up for attention, even though clearly something isnt' right within me. I mean how do you ask prayer for something that you can't even understand or put words to yourself.

We have homework assignments (beyond our group studies) that take about 30 -45 minutes 5 days a week. The one i read this morning was about sharing your heart with others. The things that are the flat out most painful for you. Your struggles. Wounds. Insecurities. Basically be transparent. Be Real.

I so don't want to do that. I don't. But appearently when God gets thematic we should listen. And whatever i'm 'trying' to do now isn't working for me. I'm not getting anywhere.

She asked us to think of a time in our lives where we've experienced healing. More than likely it came through a relationship. (is it bad that i couldn't think of a single thing?)

I decided to think of physical healing since i couldn't think of anything else. I had surgery my sophmore year in high school. I hurt my shoulder while cheering. Spring Break 2003 while all my choir friends were going to Washington D.C. for choir tour, i was in the hospital being cut up, fixed up, sewn back up, drugged up, and then sleepin' it up. (which honestly i was fine missing the trip) Those next few months were some of the most annoying months of my physical life. I couldn't sleep - i would lay there crying because i was SO uncomfortable. Please, Lord, just let me go to sleep. I can still picture myself sitting on the edge of my bed frustrated. Many nights i would get up and go sit downstairs in the living room, in the dark. What else do you do?

I couldn't do anything by myself. Shower. Hair. Make up. Use the restroom. Carry my books. I had to have an escort to class. My arm was secured in this hidious humongous blue pillow that i had to wear at all times.

I had a horrible attitude during those months. So resistant to letting anyone help me. I know they were loving me, but i didn't want it.

I say i couldn't do anything, but if you knew me back then, you know i found a way to do it all by myself. Make up - left handed. Writing in class - left handed. Even using the restroom. (you should try that one, you'd be surprised at how much you use both hands.) so many things i just wanted to do alone..... But mom knowing it wasn't healthy continued to offer help and be there. This 15 year old daughter sitting in a tub completely bare infront of her mother, unable to physically use her shoulder, arm, or hand so that her mom has to clean her. Humiliating. Truly.

Or maybe transparent?

If only i had surrendered. Let others in. Let them love me. Sure it wouldn't have been comfortable and not even the way i wanted it all to go down... but it's healthier. Not to mention i would have healed faster.

I think sometimes we try to be tough. We think we see this straight path or plan that leads to getting through something... and maybe it does. And maybe it is even faster than letting everyone do it for you. But i think if we were honest, we would admit the healing was only temporary. The pain always came back. This stupid little cycle that continues to interupt your life.

Making friends has never come easy for me. I want them. I just don't want to go through the process. (unbiblical, i know.) And i don't know how to be myself. Honestly, deep down it probably has to do with insecurities that i never knew existed.

I never realized how insecure i was with myself. Not until i sat in my car thinking about this bible study, school, and my relationships. I do have issues. Some deeper than others. Many that i don't feel like i will ever get over. Hopefully some time soon i will learn what it means to surrender.

I want myself back again.

(whoever that person is... Or to atleast feel like myself - this is you, trust this.)

So now what about you? Are you currently struggling with something but are too afraid to open up and share with others? Or are you on the other side - tired of listening to peoples problems, wanting them to shut up and quit being selfish, o grow up chic.... or maybe you have been through what they're going through but are too afraid to go back to that place and hash through all of those wounds. But aren't we suppose to be like Christ? Are we not told to imitate Him?

I'm pretty sure there are countless stories in the bible where God continually takes people out of their comfort zones to accomplish His will. And He tends to use relationships (believers) to carry out His work - whether it be healing or something completely different.

So will you change? Will you keep sitting there? Or will you step out of your comfort zone - opening up to share your heart or lending an ear/time to listen to someone share?

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:2

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