Will power? What?
Tuesday morning i was sitting in class(the same class that i should be studying for) and of course i wasn't paying attention. I got into a bad habit of making my To Do List and any other lists i could think of during that time. It's lunch time, third class of the day back to back, an hour and 20 minutes long..... my brain just gives up by then.
No lists were made Tuesday, that i can recall. Instead i had a book that i was reading. I know... you're probably thinking, 'that's so rude.' Forgive me.
It's a Godly book. That makes it better right? A devotional sort of book, if you will. When God Pursues A Woman's Heart... by some lady - Cindy M. - I can't think of her last name. Sorry.
After i finished a chapter in my book i decided to write out a prayer. It takes more time when you do that. You are thinking about your words. Going through them slowly. Dwelling on them. And it's always interesting to look back on later... although sometimes painful.
I started by proclaiming who He was.
Father. God. Creator. Healer. Deliverer. Comforter. Rock. Jesus Christ.
Then i admited exactly where i was.... my mind, my heart, me. And told Him i was sorry for not trusting or having enough faith.
I went on to beg Him to pursue my heart until it was His - no matter how high the walls.
To not let all my preconceived ideas or feelings to get in the way of me recognizing and experiencing Him.
Please, show Your power, Lord. Even right now with my weak mind and soul.... please don't delay. I know and believe You are God - You are on your throne. You will come.
As soon as i got done praying this verse came to mind.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
It was as if the light came on all of a sudden and i understood it in a different way.
Excuse me. I need to back up a little so that you aren't completely lost. Here are some of the lies, or whatever you would like to call them, that have been resounding in my head.
You aren't attracted to Godly men.
You are so sexual. That's what you want.
You will not marry a good guy. It's not what you want.
You weren't created for that.
You can't be in love with the Lord.
You want this... (sinful, ungodly, evil things)
Should we stop there?
All of a sudden it was as if He said to me.... You, in your human sinful selfish nature may feel like you want these things. Deep down you may actually even physically feel that desire within yourself.... but I AM TELLING YOU... You Do Not Want That In Your Life.
You may not feel that way.... but believe me... YOU DON'T WANT THOSE THINGS. It will not be good for you. Trust me on this.
It was like a mother telling her child, baby you don't want to eat that much candy. But yes mommy i do. It looks so yummy, i know it taste yummy, it's my favorite, i really feel like i want that. But no sweety, trust me, you DO NOT want that much candy. It's going to turn out bad after you taste its goodness. You don't want it. Physically you may FEEL as if you want it, but no, you really don't.
I'm so much of a feeler. I take what's inside and express it to people. I want to be genuine so i thought that's what i had to do. O how i had been deceived.
We can't live off of our feelings. We can't love based on our feelings. You may feel a certain way - you may truly truly feel a certain way - but what does He say?
DON'T TRUST IT. TRUST ME. EVEN THOUGH IT'S OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU FEEL. PLEASE TRUST ME. I'M TELLING YOU, IN THE LONG RUN, YOU DON'T WANT THOSE THINGS.
Change my heart, O God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, O God. May I be like You.