Friday, October 24, 2008

a little transparency.

You may not want to read this post.... i understand if you decide not to.

depression, doubts, anxiety - that's part of my 'this' on my last post. Majority of my struggles are mental. (which has a lot to do with depression) I've had to force myself to get out of bed for the past week. I've had to force myself to literally STOP thinking about certain issues. I've had to force myself to go out in public. So many things that i'm dealing with.

I will be the first to tell you that i've had plenty of moments where i've sat and thought about God. How it would be so easy to see how and why people don't understand or believe in Him. To doubt if He really exist. To wonder if i was ever saved. The list goes on....

But i do this with every aspect of my life.

I do not believe that i'm a depressed person because of a chemical imbalance in my brain or anything like that... in my heart or mind i have always felt that it had something to do with my relationship with God. Never the less, it's a struggle that i'm working through... wether it's how i'm created and must fight through for the rest of my life - or if it is something about me not trusting God. (and i realize this is blaming myself, yes.)

I had to babysit last night so that my parents and another couple could go to the movies.

It's been a really really tough past couple of days.....

I didn't want to be alone so i asked my sister to go with me. Her boyfriend was coming in so she would only be able to stay for 2 1/2 hours with me. When it came time for her to leave i literally had to hold my tears in. (She doesn't know this) But I was so lonely. A loneliness that i wanted my Savior to fill SO bad, but felt like He would never come. Just please, show yourself to me. Why won't you come? What am i doing wrong? Is it my heart? Because i'm human and if you're waiting on me i'm never going to get anywhere. God, please. Fix me. Why don't i care about anyone? Why can't i feel anything? I'm so blind. I know you're all around me, but nothing makes sense to me right now.... it's been too long. When will i grow up and learn?

You know the feeling.... in a room full of people, plenty of opportunities yet feeling so alone, not to mention vulnerable, on the inside.

The little girl started crying all of a sudden for no apparent reason.

I want my mommy.

I picked her up and sat down in the rocking chair with her.... I fought back the lump of tears in my throat for a while - then i just let it flow.

tears streaming down my face.

I know... me too.

I held her so close and scratched her back for who knows how long. Her breathing turned loud and heavy and had a rhythm to it - so peaceful in that moment. so real. She was SO close to me that i couldn't help but feel her with me. I sat there rocking, listening to her breathing, scracthing her back, crying and talking to God.

God, i'm hurting.

I decided to talk to her about it.

Do you know Jesus?
sniffle.... noooo.
Do you know who God is?
uh.. mm... yeth.
He loves us you know. Don't you wish He would come over here and sit with us and love on us?

I know i'm retarted. But i wanted Him in the physical to come and tell me to my face... Megan, you are going to be okay. I am here. I love You. Quit listening to this and start listening to this....

A teacher at school mentioned my weight Friday... in a very blunt way. I saw him walking up so i smiled, waved, said hello, how are you? His response was, a squinted questionable disgusted face....
uh o my. Are you losing weight?
No sir. Do i look like it?
My goodness yes. Don't lose ANY more.

Thank you. Thank you SO much. Was that suppose to be one of those critical i care about you compliments? I mean seriously?

You look disgusting... anorexic.... sick.... what the heck is wrong with you?

I walked to class wondering if you could really see it showing. I told mom about it later and asked her if i looked like i was losing weight. She said yes. Well, you can tell in your face.

She knows my issues. I decided to pour out my heart to her the other night, because i didn't know what else to do. (i'm sure it hurts as a mom to realize your daughter is still struggling with the same thing that was bothering her 3 years ago.... thinking it had all passed and was gone.) I should be stronger.

I have to remind myself that i will get through this. Even though it seems like an eternity. I just feel so ignorant. People probably think i'm the most annoying stupid person in the world. I don't mean to be....

He is doing something in me - even though i don't understand it. Teaching me to be strong. To listen. To recognize His voice. To surrender to His will. To have confidence in the decisions that i make, because He told me himself.

Right now i feel like i'm being blown back and forth.... swimming laps down and back.... trying so hard to surrender to this voice that i feel, but this other one constantly coming back. God, is this you? Did i hear you wrong? Maybe i thought i knew you, but really i am missing all your signals? O where are you? Please get my attention.

I must choose. Choose to get out of this chair. Choose to make friends. Choose to surrender to the pain.

He will come. I choose to believe it.

1 comment:

mary carol said...

i love you and amy praying for you fervently...God has not forsaken you nor will He ever...dont think in terms of you "should" be anything...should is a term that society places on us...look to God's word for what you ARE and what God as for YOU...just a thought as I was reading :)