For me, it's commitment.
I'm slowly becoming aware and learning this about myself. I see the walls up when it comes to relationships, and as soon as I accept something huge (like a job) my mind is tempted to go into freak out mode.
Most people say let the past be the past and don't keep hashing through, and for the most part I agree. But there are instances when you need to go back and figure out where things fell apart so that you can move forward. The past can help you be prepared for the future - not beating yourself up about it, but being honest and real with what happened. I firmly believe the Lord has to bring us to a place when we're ready to hash through.
It is clear to me where mine all began. Now i'm continually begging and believing Him for my healing.
Sometimes people make fun of me and crack jokes about how I think too much (and for the record it's 10 times better than it used to be), but really what it is is me trying to make sure that i'm being real and genuine in everything I do. There was a season of my life when so much doubt consumed my mind that I didn't know who I was, what I believed in, or what I even wanted anymore.
When I'm asked to take commitments or start a relationship i'm very guarded and hesitant because I want to make sure that everything I do and say is completely honest and genuine.
What if I take that job and realize that I hate it? Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? Do I love this... really? And if I find out that I dont, does that mean i've been living a lie?
Waiting for a teaching position was the easy part for me. I placed my faith in Him and just knew that I didn't have, or need, to worry about it. Accepting the position and letting it become official has been hard.
I keep reminding myself of the same Truth's that He has shown me over the past year... and i'm continually speaking the name of Jesus outloud. The Lord has shown me that absolute freedom is real.... and i'm believing Him for it.
I refuse to do nothing. My fear could keep me bound if i let it. If I let my fear of commitment take over I would never take a job or think about having a husband one day; all because I might wake up and realize that I hate what i'm doing, and then beat myself up that i'd claim to be someone that I wasn't. It seems silly to others, but it's my weakness.
So I trust all of my decisions and circumstances over to Him. He is God and I need to only be still and trust Him. Where I am right now in life is my reality. And whatever i'm doing i'm going to pray for His passion to carry me through. If I wake up and hate it.... atleast I know I tried and I'll wait for Him to lead me some where else.
Run away from your fears? Or press into Him?
Oddly enough... there is freedom in that raw place. That raw, open, vulnerable place of surrender. He is bigger than anything that tries to hold you captive. Think on Him, not the fear.