Confessions

Can't sleep.

The past two weeks spent at the lake were very enjoyable. Something must have happened to me over the past year because I spent almost every night out there with my parents despite the fact that I had to get up early to drive an extra 30 minutes into town to make it to work on time.

In the past any excuse I got to sleep at home I would take. It could have been the fact that we bought a new blow up mattress which I topped with an egg crate that provided much comfort. Whatever it was, I really enjoyed being out there this year. I wish I would have soaked it up even more.

What is my deal? I'm getting all emotional over a camping trip.

Not only did I sleep on an egg crate covered air mattress, I knee-boarded and attempted to ski. I say attempted because the skiing was a big failure. This is where I insert that hideous picture with my face contorted; clearly fighting with everything in me to succeed. The face obviously didn't help.

The fact that I was brave enough to try is huge in itself. Speaking of brave things, I'd like to think i've branched out a lot this past year.

I've been on 4 dates. All of which I shut down because I didn't sense anything. Okay, one of them shut me down, but I kinda prayed for that. Some people think i'm completely crazy for deciding if something is "there" that early on, but I mean really.... if you go on a date and don't get that "there's something about you that makes me want to stick around" feeling then why force yourself to go out again?

I've let too many people decide what is right for me in that past. I'm learning not to let their outside opinion affect me. And i'm begging for Him to lead.

In the process of all these dates i've come to some conclusions.

Number 1 - I like a sense of humor. There is something attractive about a guy that knows how to let go and have fun. Someone who has the ability to make a girl laugh and feel free. Atleast that's how it makes me feel... free. Laughter is good for my soul.

Number 2 - The past four guys that i've either dated seriously, been on a couple dates with, or had a crush on father's have been pastor's and they themselves were going into the ministry in some aspect. Weird?

No, I do not look for that type of guy... it just happened. And I just thought i'd mention it because it's odd.

Moving on...

Number 3 - There might be a little more to the whole number 2 type of guy.

As I was on my blind date this past week with a baseball coach, I felt a lack of his knowledge of biblical things. And please hear me out... I am not claiming to be a scholar nor am I saying that you can't have such knowledge unless you're in the ministry. I just think i'm realizing that there is something about a guy who knows his stuff that makes me feel secure. And by stuff I mean a guy who firmly stands for what he believes and knows scripture to back it up and what not. Not sure if that's good or bad. Just an observation and thought.

Number 4 - combine a sense of humor and a love for the Lord and you get, well.... a yummy guy. Godly is sexy - a guy that knows the right balance of fun and being serious. Yep.

So there you have it... My random, but not toooo thought out, thoughts.

I wrote a post who knows how long ago (I can't find it or i'd post a link) about a sunday school lesson that I remember very well. A lady was sharing how she had made a list of what she wanted in her husband and that she knew when she'd found "the one" because everything on her list had been marked off.

Back then I didn't know how to feel about it and partly that could have been because I didn't know what to put on my list. Over the years (mainly college?) I started to get a negative view of that lesson. It was as if I felt like we were telling God what we wanted instead of learning to trust what He knew we needed. It just didn't seem right to me. I decided I wouldn't make a list, I would just accept what He had for me.

Over the past year my view has changed.

I guess you can say my view of God has changed. I mean, that's what was wrong in the first place.

I don't think it's wrong to not make a list. That's perfectly fine. But when your motivation for not making the list also distorts your view of God... that's when it gets wrong.

Did I not think He was a God who could fulfill each of those desires? Does He merely give us what we need and nothing more?

It's like I saw God as someone who would never want me to be happy. Crazy? I knew that wasn't true, but yet my thoughts, faith, and trust didn't reflect that.

He isn't a god who is going to give us horrible situations just because He can and wants us to fight through them. He is the God who knows the situations that will create us into who He wants us to be. He is the God who knows the situations that will show us what we truly desire in life. in relationships.

He is the God who can do immeasurably more than we could ever think or ask.

I am now believing my God for who He is. A God who creates desires in us. And wouldn't it be neat to watch Him lead us to "the one" who meets each of those.

Lord Jesus, Your word says that you have created each of us, You've knit us together - which means you didn't just throw something together... you thought about it and spent time. I believe that You have given each of us a specific calling and desire. And I also believe that You are good. In Your perfect timing (even though sometimes it seems so far off) You will fulfill those. And if we get lost along the way and it doesn't seem like our plans are lining up with Yours... Lord, lead us back to You and help us re-shift our focus. In Jesus' name.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.