silent scream

checked my degree audit....

looked at the course availability....

decided what i wanted to take...

And now i am about to register for my last semester of college....

AHHH!

Can you hear me screaming on the inside? Because i definetly am. Totally freaking out. Like where in the world did this semester go? I look up and it's already time to register for a new semester?

I was sitting in class today making a list of everything i had left to do before the semester ended... and it hit me. My brother graduates in less than a month. Wait... what? No more classes with him? No more seeing him walk on campus?

I know that sounds retarted, but you get so use to seeing someone and then they're gone and you realize how much comfort it brought you. That sounds retarted, but it's true. For the past 2 1/2 years i have gone to the same school as my brother. And for the past 2 years we've had majority of our classes together - on accident each time. (the Lord knew he needed my help to graduate... he would not have passed without me!!! It's not a secret - he will admit it to you.... he often buys me sonic to repay the many study guides and quiz answers that i provided.) It's going to be so different not having him there.

I made it at Ouachita without knowing a single person in my class or on campus. I act like the world is about to end - it's not. I'm just dramatic and seem to analyze and think about things in deeper details than others. sorry.

I'm also seriously considering getting a real job next semester. "Real" as in not babysitting. Don't get me wrong, i have had fun and i love keeping kids, but i think it's time to do something else. (Possibly past time.)

Plus, i only have 3 classes to take so i need to do something with my time. I need to be fruitful instead of sitting around the house. It'll be good practice for me before i have ZERO classes and a completely empty day. A little preparation - He is good like that huh?

Although, i don't have a clue where to look or what to do. It makes my heart very anxious... but that's part of growing up, learning, and exploring. I've only had one job other than babysitting in my entire life, and that was 2 nights a week at Golden Corral for almost 2 years. I was the most lazy server ever... and probably could have smiled and cared a little more about the people i was serving also. I didn't have the right heart or mindset back then. Since then i've had an awesome friend that the Lord has used to teach me and show me so many things. I honestly don't know where i would be without his influence.

So - i will be okay! I can do this! haha! I'm such a NERD! You think i'm playing... but i'm really nervous, anxious, afraid, unsure.... everything!

While registering for my last semester of college one of my friends said, "AWW you are so grown up." I quickly corrected her... No, this is the point in life where you realize how much more growing you have left to do. How much you've missed. I'm so not grown up... FAR from it!

I need to calm down. He is faithful. He will guide, protect, and keep me. I just know myself - i'm ignorant and it usually takes me long to learn things. I often miss His gentle whispers. I guess i'm afraid of not seeing Him. But worrying will do nothing. So here i go....

Submitting my schedule for my last semester of college.

And then trusting that He will continue to guide and provide.

More Transparency

The Lord is really working on my heart lately. To be honest it hurts, but i want every part of it. I don't want to live my life halfway or just doing enough to get by. I've lived enough of my life that way, it's time to change.

The past few days i've been so aware of my sin. How dangerous it is. How much it hurts others and yourself. How much confusion it brings to your life. How it consumes your thoughts.

I owe so many people apologies, but am so confused about the whole situation that i don't even know where to begin or what to say. I'm scared to say anything at all for fear of making things worse.

I am thankful for this brokenness because it's softening my heart. It's changed the way i view my family and the time spent with them. And it's also made me so aware of my need of Him.

I've been praying to get through things - it's bringing up old wounds and confusion, but i have to keep going.... i have to put things behind me... find myself.... and move forward. I have to be mature and quit depending on others(because that just in turn ends up hurting them).

Thank you Lord for working on me. Please continue to pull me through this. Help me to work through all of my thoughts so that i can set things right with people. I know it's probably going to hurt, but i want a heart that is genuine and honest. Mold me, Lord. I want a heart that loves - really really loves. I pray for my future family.... Lord i want to be the best wife and mother... please prepare me. Take my heart - it is yours - Please prevail, have Your way in my life! I love You.

Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today... November 10, 2008

Outside my Window... It is dark and misting. It's been raining on and off all day long. Supposed to get worse tonight and tomorrow.

I am thinking... that i will be super glad whenever i graduate and never have to write a paper, study for a test, or work on presentations ever again. I love being productive and accomplishing things, but these things bring my heart zero delight.

I am thankful for... Children's Choir. To be honest i didn't think i would love it this much, but i truly truly love it. I wasn't sure if it was where God wanted me back when i was asked to join the team, but i'm so glad i fought the anxiety and said yes. It has been such a blessing and He is definetly at work within me.

From the kitchen... I don't really know what is going on. I had supper with some girl friends this evening at J-Tree.

I am wearing... the same thing i wore to church last night. grey t-shirt with green cami, blue jeans, leopard moccasins, and hair in a cap!

I am going... to watch a movie after i publish this post. Although i should do some school work.

I am reading... my bible study book - I think this is my favorite semester of bible study yet.

I am hoping... to pass all of my classes this semester. I am a good student... I PROMISE! I don't fail courses, but this semester is the toughest semester i've had yet.

I am creating... a new bookshelf. I love whenever people are creative and use things that already exist in their home. Saving money, recreating, using their brains, being creative - LOVE IT! Mom found an old dresser out in the shop this weekend and had a GREAT idea to give it a make over and use it as a bookshelf. I'm excited!

I am hearing... the tv and my parents talking about their fathers birthdays. Both of their fathers have the same birthday -weird huh?

Around the house... Brandon has class on Monday Evening. Casie (panola choir) had practice at etbu this evening, so she is here spending the night at home. Mom and dad are watching tv and i'm bloggin it up!

One of my favorite things... laughing with my family and feeling at peace. We had so much fun spending time together on Friday evening.

A Few Plans For The Rest of The Week... school - i don't think i have a single test this week (A MIRACLE). Adult Choir on Wednesday. Bible Study on Thursday. Babysitting. MP3 sings in church on Sunday morning.

Here is a picture thought i am sharing with you... me and my sister at the Noah Musical in Branson this past summer. I remember having a horrible attidue that day because i didn't have time to do my hair and change clothes - that was so silly. Maybe i should have attended Cari's True Beauty Retreat.

For other Daybooks click here!

grace, mercy, love

I love stories or analogies that parallel the bible and life of Jesus. I love when people can take any situation and relate it back to Christ. I love seeing Jesus in the people all around me. It's beautiful. When i see them it makes me even more excited to be a mother, but even more afraid at the same time.

In order to be this kind of person you have to have the eyes of Jesus. You must be able to step outside of your circumstance and look in at what He is trying to work in or through you. I'm not good at this in my own life. I want to be, because i truly believe it's breathtaking and beautiful, but i have to admit to you... i stink.

Below is a story that i read recently that overwhelmed me, brought tears to my eyes, and reminded me of the love of Jesus.

A mother and father got a phone call one afternoon that their teenage daughter, age 15, was pregnant. You can imagine what they must have felt in that moment. I'm sure it felt like the world stopped spinning all together or started spinning uncontrolably faster. The mother tells her story through her blog. How the Lord taught her lessons of grace and mercy through her daughters pregnancy. Everyday that her daughter walked in the door from school she (the mother) had two options - she could remind her of her mistake over and over again or she could forgive her and love her unconditionally.

Talk about imitating Jesus.

Romans 5:8 says, But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

He died knowing that tomorrow we were going to reject Him, forsake Him, spit on His face, ignore Him, be disobedient, and downright rude. He loved us so much that He went to the cross anyways. And each time i mess up He forgives me over and over.... He doesn't remind me of the mistake that i made the day before each morning when i wake up. He loves.

And that's how i am suppose to love.... knowing that tomorrow (my friend, sister, brother, or whomever) is going to probably do something that downright hurts me, upsets me, ticks me off, or makes zero sense and is completely ignorant to me. I am suppose to love even when the person seems to be the least bit deserving of grace.

The daughter asked her mother if contractions hurt. The mother recalled the pain of each of her deliveries. Yes baby, but you were worth it all.

I couldn't help but think of Christ when i read that.

Yes, Megan. Dying to give you life hurt. But you were worth it all. I love you that much that i would do whatever it cost to bring you to life.

I don't know that i will ever think of labor, delivery, and the contractions that we have in the same way. It is now a picture of Christ to me. Loving someone so much that you are willing to surrender to whatever pain may come.

That's life.... that's the picture of Christ..... loving when it's hard, loving when it hurts, loving knowing that you may not get anything in return, loving knowing that it may cost your life.

In Micah 7 it says that the Lord delights to show mercy.

I want to be a woman of grace, mercy and love. A woman of God. A woman who radiants His light and love where ever she goes. I want that so bad, that i can't even express it to you. In my humanness i can't even imagine being that kind of person. I don't feel capable of it. I feel like i either try too hard and mess up, or i don't try hard enough. I feel like i will never be able to reach that woman. But i know that it is possible through Him. I just have to continually surrender everyday, even though at times i don't even know what that means or what that asks of me.

Life is a process. A journey. It isn't about finding a career, a husband, a job, or even being a mother. It's about finding Him and then reflecting that light in those places. It's about going through the process of discerning His voice and His will in each of those situations. It's about love. It's about Jesus.

I encourage you to click the links back to her page and read her story. It's much more detailed than mine.... and much more interesting. Writing is my worst subject. As if you haven't noticed. I must get going - i've already missed one class while typing this... because i take entirely too long trying to form my thoughts to where someone else will understand them when reading my blog. I love you.

Brain Fart

If you need a good laugh, just try to do this. It's nearly impossible.

And feel free to laugh at us if you want.

Right leg rotate clock wise. Make a 6 with your right hand. (obviously if you're left handed it would be opposite, but you get it)

Enjoy.

Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today... November 3, 2008

Outside my Window... china is enjoying the sunshine. She's roaming around the yard, sniffing everything possible.

I am thinking... that i'm a total nerd. I wrote out this post in pen during my 9 o' clock class so that i could quickly transfer it onto my computer and publish whenever i got home. I figured it'd save time because i have to think hard to fill in some of these spaces.

I am thankful for... my church family. Especially the adult choir. They probably wouldn't even know it, but it's a highlight each and every week to spend time together. I always leave feeling refreshed. Life is truly better with friends!

From the kitchen... The counters are kind of messy, but the dishwasher is loaded.

I am wearing... bown and cream striped shirt, with yellow undershirt, blue jeans, brown shoes, hair down with a clip to keep it out of my face, and yes - make up! I've been doing really good getting myself ready each day. Breaking old habits from my depression (only because it's healthier this way).

I am going... to pretty much camp out in the library this week.

I am reading... still reading through Numbers and 2 Kings. Almost done with The Divine Embrace. Come Christmas i'll have tons of new books to enjoy!

I am hoping... to get a good amount of things done at the library in the next 2 hours until class at 1 o' clock. Being wise and productive is always fulfilling to me.

I am creating... a to do list for this incredibly busy week.

I am hearing... the music playing on my computer, and the loud tv. I'm not even watching it (it's the golf channel), but i need the noise.

Around the house... there are wall to wall items that need to be sold in a garage sale. Don't get me started. :)

One of my favorite things... Feeling wise and productive. Like something is clearly thought through, planned, and perfectly carried out.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... school. library. test. paper. presentation. babysitting. adult choir. teaching sunday school. finalizing motions for MP3. bible study. and attending a Jewish Christian church for psychology of religion.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... taken on friday afternoon.
Dorothy. She was the glue that held this house together for many years. She cleaned, cooked, babysat, entertained, and many other helpful things so that mom could come home from work without having a huge list to worry about. She probably helped more with mom's sanity than anything else. haha. She drops by every so often to say hello. It's always a joy to see her. This woman truly loves us. You know someone really loves you when you feel it without them ever uttering those 3 words to you.

Canton

Friday afternoon i called my mother at work to see if she would be interested in going to Canton on Saturday. She was totally caught off guard.

Me: "Do you think i'd like it? I've never been."

Mom: "Well, YEAH! They have everything you could ever imagine there. And since you're so

into decorating you'd really love it."

Me: "Well, do you have plans? Do you want to go?"

Mom: "Well, yeah! Let's go."

I gave up my one morning to sleep in so we could get an early start towards Canton.

I LOVE IT! All the creative minds... i really appreciate well thought out creative ideas. The whole outside deal, walking from booth to booth, seeing peoples homemade creations. It was so fun to me. Such a good experience. I was trying to make a mental picture of everything i saw to hopefully recreate it one day (when i have a home of my own).

Mom got lots of Fall decorations (as if she needed more). And i helped her pick out the christmas wrapping paper for this year. Plaid - YUMMY!

I got some more decorations for my bathroom.... Hopefully to finish off that boring empty wall.

a towel rack. some beads that wrap around candles or probably something else a creative person could think to do with them. and that brown square deal - i'm not sure what the proper name is for it. lol. sorry. I seen them in homes all the time and i really like them. SO i got me one for super cheap!

and also a rug. (I don't know what that white stuff is on the bottom right... it isn't there in real life. It must be my retarted camera.)

I feel like SUCH a nerd for buying a rug. I have no need for a rug right now, especially not this size... but it was ALL of my favorite colors. (brown, white, black, and khaki) and on sale! I've been wanting to do my bedroom in these colors with like a random accent color - red or something. When i saw this rug i was like oooooo yeah, that's it! Mom loved it too! She never understand my whole brown and black deal... because according to majority of the world YOU CANNOT MIX THOSE 2 COLORS. But i just saw it in my head and knew if i could somehow find the way to pull it off one day it would look GREAT!!! When i pointed out the rug to her she literally oohed and ahhed.. "O YEAH, that looks good. And it will match with anything because it has both brown and black." I refrained from saying, Told Ya So!

I'm not really lovin' it right now in my room though. I need to bring everything together. I have college decorations, my old bedroom from years ago decorations, then new pieces that i put in within the past year of two.... it's SO all over the place. But i didn't want to leave it rolled up so i had to bring it in here. One of these days i'll get around to finishing up my bedroom. You see those bright colorful things over there. Those are still left over from when i redid the bathroom. They need to go. You want them? They are throwing off my room even more. :)

This one booth had old window frames... I'm into that! If i had a place of my own i would have spent so much more money and bought so much more stuff.... but i have no where to put it now, so i must wait! It pushed my little decorating button though and got my brain going. Now i have so many ideas just waiting to be explored and implemented. (is that the right word? It sounded so smart.)

Most of all, i loved spending time with my mother and sister. We don't do it often enough.

Thank you, Lord for a fun weekend and for time spent with my mom and sister. Thank you for teaching me how to love and put others first... please keep teaching me. I do want change in my life. Won't you keep working... I love it when you are around! Life is so much better with You! I love You!