Being Emotional

Can i just be real honest with you?

I HATE PAPERS. ESPECIALLY RESEARCH PAPERS.

I have been working on one for about an hour and there are SO many stinkin' little rules that you have to follow that i'm not even to the actual paper yet. I am such a baby. This kind of stuff literally makes me cry. I know that seems ridiculous but i'm being honest. It's like i have to just let it out then i can get over it and make myself get on with the work.

I am such a baby when it comes to this stuff that i often calculate my average and see how much damage it would do to my grade. If i didn't do this Research Paper at all i would make an 85 in the class because of all my test grades - 100, 100, 105, 105 and then the Final in 2 weeks. Is it bad that i would even consider not doing it at all?

That's who i am. I give up when it causes tension or asks too much of me. I don't want to do it.... (clearly an unbiblical attitude)

"Just think, this time next year you'll be done with all the studying, papers, and projects. You'll never have to do it again." Mom

Can i just say Amen to that. That is the ONLY thing that i am looking forward to about graduation. I don't mind working on things and being productive. I very well can do it, but i can't stand when it's forced. My heart has some huge desires and i'll sit down and work hard on things that mean something to me, but this junk... no, thank you.

I am so worried about graduation in May. Only because i don't like to be alone. It scares me. And because it scares me, i guess deep down i've always just felt like God would do that to me. In my mind it's like i see Him choosing the one thing that i don't want.... being single and alone when May gets here. Like it really makes me angry when there are these couples who are engaged or married and they are fretting about graduation coming up. I'm like shut it - atleast you have someone to come home to after work. Atleast you know that you aren't alone in making your decision. Atleast you have someone to talk to about your problems and.... AHH can you tell i'm upset?

I am so not ready for Graduation. Where am i going to go? What am i going to do?

I just want to have my own family and that'd make me happy. I've never cared about a job or what i'd be doing. And now that i have to face that reality in less than 6 months all by myself i'm freaking out.

breathe Megan.

God, i'm so emotional and afraid right now. I want to graduate because i'm tired of school, but really i'm so not ready for graduation. I'm so immature, young, and still don't have a clue where to go. God, what do i do? I need You so bad right now. I love You, i really really do, but could you please be small enough for my human mind to grasp a little bit of what You are speaking to me right now. I'm tired Lord. Please help me finish this paper, i know that seems like a silly request but i don't feel smart enough or strong enough to do it. God i'm desperate for You.

Black Friday? Is that what they call it?

I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and heard the wonderful sound of rain pouring against the roof. Perfect! That noise instantly makes you want to crawl back into bed and snuggle up under your covers. Mom mentioned Thursday that she wanted to go back to Canton today.... to be honest i wasn't feelin' it. So i told her to wake me up when she decided what she was going to do. When i heard the rain i figured it was a no go for Canton. (yay)

So i slept in until ..... yeah. Then i got up and worked on 2 projects that i have due this next week in school. Mom came home around 3 from some in town shopping she had been doing. She was itching for a trip to Hobby Lobby. Some creative ideas were forming in her head and when that happens, there aint no waiting..... it's gosta happen right then.

I printed off my coupons i get through email and gave them to her. She was THRILLED! But now that i think about it - we didn't even end up using them. We totally forgot. How silly are we?

She expressed that she really didn't want to go alone. So i finished up what i was working on, threw some clothes on, and went with her. We had a wonderful time. Well at first it kind of started off slow, but then something happened at we both got the giggles and were being incredibly silly. It was really a fun mother/daughter time. I'm glad i decided to go despite what i felt.

So we spent entirely too much money at Hobby Lobby AGAIN.... remember how i told you it's a dangerous place? It really is! But the trip wasn't all bad. We got the Christmas shopping for the Grandparents on both sides all finished. Just making our way down the list of things to do.

We also got a few other gifts.

For Christmas on my dad's side of the family we are doing Dirty Santa this year. Honestly, it's kind of been more of a relief than years past. Why you ask? Well, because you don't have to think about a person that lives 500 miles away whom you hardly ever see and try to guess what they enjoy, want, or need for Christmas. You simply buy a feminine (or whatever sex you are) gift and then we'll play the Dirty Santa game. You'll probably find out more about people through this game than trying to guess what they want for Christmas. You'll see what they fight for and what totally gets ignored. It ought to be interesting.

You know.... this is probalby the best thing that has happened to our (extended) family. This little Dirty Santa game. We live hundred of miles a part and when we come together for Christmas it's not fun. Sorry, but it's not. I'm not in touch with my cousins, i'm not close to my relatives like i dream and wish it could be. So maybe this is PERFECT. We'll have to sit by each other, we'll have to STAY until everyone has gotten a gift and played the game, we'll have to laugh and talk.

I love the idea of a big family. Playing games, sharing stories, loving each other, wanting to spend time together, crying together, praying, learning things about each other, being goofy..... Like Dan in Real Life. I want a family like that. A family that all crams into one house for a weekend and doesn't turn on a single tv, but instead finds things to do together. I WANT THAT. A big happy family. They don't come easily though. It takes work, but i know it's possible.

Anywho - maybe this'll be good for us. More interactive!

Is it bad that i'm already bored with my bathroom? Because if i were honest i'd have to say that i am. This decorating stuff, I LOVE IT, but it's too much for me. It's like i have to stare at it for a few days to realize if i like it. And if i don't then i'll move it to another spot or try something new. It's all Cari's fault you know? She sent me a picture of her amazingly cute bathroom. And so now i'm bored with mine.

Well i think i've been bored for a while because i can't find a curtain that hits the spot and i have yet to finish the room with the tub and toilet. There is SO much brown in there it is driving me insane.

Soooooo.... i've been thinking. I might throw in a lime greenish color. Here is a towel that we amazingly already had in our home to match the previous bathroom decor. You know what that means - F R E E !!!

What do ya think? (well first off i think those cabinets need some serious dark chocolate paint... but that's for another day) I mean the colors - It sounds disgusting, but i've seen it done in Magazines and it's in style if you keep your eye open. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. I just figured i might as well give it a try. My plan is to buy a few pieces here and there to slowly bring in the lime green and not spend too much money all at once. It's too matchy matchy for me right now - i need to branch out and do something wild for a little while. And if i hate it, then perfect. Atleast i know i wasn't afraid to try it. (something that i need to work on in other areas of my life)

I got some round ornaments, different sized boxes, wrapping paper, ribbon, cinnamon pine cones, and a tray to get festive for the holidays. I'm trying to be creative - so you'll have to wait and see what i make! I figured since my bedroom and bathroom are kind of in the middle of make overs i might as well decorate for the Holidays in there. Maybe it'll get me in the season!!! As if i need that? I'll let you know how those projects go. I could end up hating them too.

Have you ever watched Janette Oke's films or read her novels? I've started watching the Love Comes Softly series and i must say it is very very good. Maybe i'll watch the next movie tomorrow.... as soon as i'm done writing my research paper that is :) !

Alright, well there is my day. Nothing too fancy! How was yours? Do you dare go out shopping on this crazy day?

Thanksgiving Day in Pictures...

Today turned out to be such a beautiful day....

The Kilgore Family - Thanksgiving 2008

And the siblings.

We could atleast act like we love each other.

No, really we're practicing our pose for the cover to our next CD. Yeah, right. Now, let's try this again....

There's a little more love!!

Of course, pictures with the Grandparents.

...thought this looked like the Cingular Bars, but appearently the rest of my family did not.

We ate some of this....

Enjoyed a little of this....


attempted to take one of these as a family....



mom and i made this...

and i brought this...
(left over from the night before)


we sat out here and took advantage of the nice weather...



I read this



while the rest of the family watched this....



and China did this



Well, actually, the flash was a little too bright, so she did this....


and i've neglected too much of this...

Time to get back to work.

I said this 12 times. You annoyed yet?

(did you go back and count all of those?)

Tradition

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is always reserved for putting up Christmas Lights. A few friends have joined us in years past (and that always relieves a little of the stress). It's always an interesting experience. As mom was praying over our lunch just before we were about to get started on this grand adventure, i added on to her amen with, "and help us be patient as we work together."

Family is often the hardest to get along with and to work with. I probably had the least amount of patience today. How retarted is that? I was the one that brought it up in the first place. That's probably why it was on my mind, because i needed to work on it the most. Each time something would come out of my mouth or cross my mind i would instantly hear myself..... "and help us be patient as we work together".

My brother and sister are Deen's (mom's side of the family) and i am most definetly a Kilgore (dad's side). Logic. That's where my patience runs short. I need things to make sense. I want them to be well thought out, organized, and to simply make sense. But i forget others do not have this desire nor do they have my brain or thought process. [This is where you insert the picture of mom, brandon, and casie.] (kidding!!!!)

Communication is key when you work together (or with relationships in general). I would ask a question and mom would say NO and explain to me the correct answer.... which would be exactly what i had said to her, but only worded differently. Which would make me even more frustrated. (I wanted to say, THATS WHAT I JUST SAID... and honestly probably did at some point.)

Have you ever realized how much that happens? Sometimes i think we (meaning you included) argue with people and come to find out we're argueing against the same thing. Finding out how to understand someone and communicate with them is a very hard task. It's not as simple as listening and then acting/answering. You have to remember that their mind isn't the same as yours. They may not process things like you do or it may take them more time to understand. So many factors come into play here. We aren't all the same. I think that's the beauty in it. Learning to work together, communicate, understand each other, and especially love. I don't think it was intended to be easy - what effort would that take on our part if it were?

So i didn't handle my words and body language exactly as i had wished, but i tried to fix them as soon as i realized how i was acting. My heart was being softened as we continued on. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that i didn't love my parents/family like i should have. That i didn't accept who they were (even the annoying parts that seem to have no logic). All of those things are apart of who they are and makes them unique. And i am called to love them despite whether or not it meshes with me and MY WAY of doing things.

Why can we go to a friends house and be sweet, loving, and patient.... but then we do the same project with our family and are not sweet, loving, or patient? What is the deal?

One thing i really enjoy are decorations for the Holidays. Christmas lights are so pretty to me. And the garland, christmas tree, stockings, wrapped presents, and yummy desserts. There are millions of people across the world who do not have the chance to experience a lighted christmas. We are so blessed to live in America. We take for granted so many little things - like our Christmas traditions. Yeah, they may be time consuming, frustrating, painful, etc. But it's always a pay off when you are done and get to enjoy all of your hard work. I pray that we will be more patient and thankful as we continue on with our traditions through out this Holiday season. There are those who never get the chance (in their lifetime) to experience all that we do (in one season).

But i also pray that we don't forget the real reason for the season. It's not about our traditions as a country or as a family... (although, we can and should be thankful for them.) Sometimes we get so used to living in America and having so much that we focus our time, energy, money, and hearts into things that don't matter at all. So i pray that we won't get so focused in on getting everything done perfectly, but instead pay attention to what really matters. Holidays can be stressful - there is no doubt about that! I pray we slow down and enjoy it this year.

Don't get frustrated so easily with the things that you should be the most grateful for.
Father, i thank you for the chance to experience a lighted Christmas. I thank you for the many traditions that we have. May they never become routine for us, but truly an enjoyable growing experience. Thank you for working on me and making me aware of where i need to change. May my heart be willing and ready to accept change. Be my motivation and strength - i need You. I love You.

Day Two

I feel the need to unload tonight...... (i have no plans for this post - let's just see where it goes)

I have felt extremely exhausted the past few days. I don't know what my deal is. Maybe it's the fact that i've had to be at "work" at 7:30 and stayed up too late the night(s) before. Whatever it is, i feel physically and emotionally drained more than usual.

I experienced a taste of what it feels like to be a parent yesterday. I had to put my foot down and punish Levi, which is extremely hard on certain days. When it's not your child it's difficult to know exactly what to do to reach them. I had to focus really hard on my patience and determination yesterday.

I felt like a mean babysitter. His friends came over to ask if he could play and i had to tell them no. I went back into his bedroom to talk with him just to make sure that he knew what was going on and that i did indeed love him. When i cracked the door open i could see him starring out the window as he watched his friends playing and laughing outside. It was like his whole countenance changed from anger and rebellion to broken. It was as if you could see his body drooping once he realized that he wasn't going to get to play with them. He looked so upset.... and i was only looking at the back of him. I shut the door as tears literally started to form in my eyes. I stood in the hallway praying and realizing that being a parent has to be extremely hard. I asked for help with my future children - especially the first time i have to discipline them and feel like a mean mom.

I squatted down to his eye level and had a talk with him. As i was leaving his bedroom i stopped and said, "I love you, Levi." I didn't want a reply.... i wanted him to know that i really do. He is only 5. Some days i see myself and realize that i'm being extremely hard and maybe even expecting too much from him. I need to calm down and be patient with him. I'm just struggling trying to find the right balance between discipline and giving attention.

I am thankful for the opportunity to work with children - even though it is difficult, tiring, draining, and overwhelming at times. I know that He is only preparing me for the future. I am learning things (most of the time through my mistakes) through this job that i wouldn't be able to learn in an office or at any other work place.

And i am thankful for that.

Lord, i am sorry that i get impatient, lazy, and annoyed sometimes when i'm babysitting. I thank you that i am aware of my mistakes and that there is always room for growth. Thank you so much for this experience. I would rather learn how to love, teach, and raise children than be payed higher bucks. Take my heart. I want Your desires. I want a heart like Yours. I lift up the Stovall's to you - thank you for the opportunity to be a part of their lives. I love You.

Thankful Day One

At MP3 rehearsal Sunday night there was a little girl on the front row crying. I squatted down infront of her and asked if she would like a drink of water. We took a walk down the children's hallway and used the fountain in that building. On the way over i asked if something was wrong. She started crying a little harder and then eventually mumbled out these words....

"I just can't sing like everyone else."

This is one of those moments where you want all of the right words to say. You want it to stick and mean something to her. You want to get the point across to her, but at the same time speak love and not just try to sound sweet and comforting.

I am usually not good at things like this. I want to be, but i try too hard and ruin the moment.

"Did you know that God made you that way on purpose? He did not make a mistake when He created you. And He wants you to sing anyway, and to even have fun while you're doing it. So you don't worry about it. You just go in there and have fun okay?"

The rest of the rehearsal i had anxiety... God, did i say the right thing? What if i didn't get the point across to her? Please let that take root and make sense to her. She's a child, but i know it's possible for her to understand.

That moment was meant for me too.... Isn't it funny how He works that way? It was like i felt her emotions in that moment. It was so neat. I wanted to love her, i wanted her to sing to the top of her lungs despite what others thought or how she felt about herself. It made me realize how precious the gift of singing is.... how truly blessed i am to have this gift.

Music is a big part of my life and family. It has been a battle for years. I never want it to be about me - i never want my pride to swell up or to perform for the sake of performing. (I had my moments back in high school and it makes me so angry now to look back on.) I genuinely want to worship the Lord. And i struggle on a daily basis to fight back the voices in my mind. I never want to take my voice for granted.

Have you ever really sat back and thought about yourself? I did not get a say in what my voice would sound like (speaking or singing). I didn't get to choose my hair color. If my nose was pointed or rounded. If my foot would grow to a size 8 or stay a size 5 for the rest of my life. He made each of us uniquely and if we try to be someone else we are ruining the surprise for everyone else.

I didn't get to choose what my voice would sound like. It is never okay for me to take credit for it. It's not mine to begin with. I am His, all i have is His. This is His voice and by singing to the best of my ability i'm simply giving back to Him what already belongs to Him.

There are so many people who only wish they could have the talent and gifts that you have. May we never forget how truly blessed we are. And never try to be anyone else.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:14

Praise Him. Give thanks to Him today for the way He made you and the person He created you to be.

I do thank you, Lord, for the gifts you have given me. Soften my heart even more. I am Yours, uniquely made for Your purposes. That's so neat to me. May i only use my voice to glorify You. And may i embrace who You made me to be instead of trying to be everyone else. Your favor is what i desire - i am here to please You and no one else. I love You.

Thanksgiving Week

The Sunday School lesson for my jr high girls class yesterday was on ..... Thanks. I'm sure you didn't see that one coming with it being Thanksgiving week. Although it had a little twist to it.

Unexpected Blessings.

We took the passage in 2 Kings where Naaman was cured of his leprosy. The main point of the message was that we often miss God's blessings because of our pride or because things don't happen the way we think they should. Which was the case for Naaman. Elisha sent a messenger that told him to go dip himself in the Jordan River seven times and then he would be healed. He was angry and refused to listen to the directions that were given him. The Aman river and Pharpar river were much better than the Jordan.... and sending a messenger? Elisha couldn't come out and say it to him personally?

Naaman expected some big powerful waving of the arms experience where he would instantly be healed of his leprosy. Something big and amazing. But what he got instead was something simple... something that took action on his part... and something that took time. He would have missed the blessing of being healed of his skin disease if he had not let go of his pride and acted on the directions that were given him.

I'm convinced that we are guilty of the same thing. We try to do things on our terms. We think we know exactly how something should go down. We try to convince Him of what we need - which is incredibly silly considering that He created us. I wonder how many times we have missed blessings because we either weren't obedient, our pride got in the way, we didn't have faith, or we expected something big when he wanted to do it in a simple way that took a little more time and action on our part.

I am currently learning this RIGHT NOW, but will refrain from going into details at the moment.

My prayer for myself (and you also if you'd like) is that i will be able to accept what the Lord has planned for me. That I will believe that His words are trustworthy and true. And that i will step out in faith. The best measure of faith is when it is followed by action. When the Holy Spirit asks you to do something, it requires - faith, obedience, change, and action. But not on our terms. I don't know about you, but i don't want to miss the blessings simply because i think my plan is better or because of silly pride.

I need to trust. I need to have more faith. I need to make changes. I need to be obedient. I need to take the time to fight.... to not give in so easily. I realized this week that i had convinced myself that i was defeated. We are never defeated (with Christ). We just have to trust that He is at work within us... we have to keep on pressing on when we don't feel like we can give anything else.

We have to be more dedicated, more determined, more focused, more patient, and more hard working. He wants my all. Yes, He is powerful enough to wave His arms, snap His fingers and wash away all that is consuming my mind and conquering my life. And we praise His name for that. But that may not be the way that He wants to bring the healing.

He is growing us into maturity - where we don't lack anything but look more like Him. The only way to do that is through suffering through some things. But He promises blessings on the other side - blessings that you cannot buy if you wanted to.

Don't miss them.

With it being Thanksgiving week i challenged my girls to pray for the Lord to open their eyes to see the little blessings, the simple unexpected ones that we don't even recognize. Our preacher mentioned today that we get so accustomed to our everyday lives and posessions that we don't even recognize when something is a blessing. SO TRUE. I wanted to try and think of a way to dwell on all the Lord has blessed me with. (especially since i told my sunday school girls to do it - i don't like to require something of someone if i am not doing it also... it seems hypocritical)

So..... i have decided that each post this week will be focused on the many blessings in my life. If i set this goal i will be paying attention to everything that is going on through out my day. I will be looking for them.

Angie, had a wonderful teachable moment with her daughter this weekend (related to being thankful). She minored in English and is very gifted at writing... you should definetly click on over and read her post instead of me explaining it to you.

I don't feel like this post flows smoothly, but i refuse to get all twisted up about it. I love you all! And i hope you have a truly fantastic week.

I love You, Lord. Thank You for simply being You.... i'm sorry that i allow my pride to get in the way. Thank you for forgiveness. Will you open my eyes to see how much it cost you? To be full of gratitude. To be overwhelmed by You. That's where i want to be.