Thoughts

Now that we've officially made it to finals week and graduation, i'm available every day of the week to SUB. I worked everyday last week, but it was a different experience. Instead of being a teacher I was a paraprofessional (aka - AID). To be honest, I enjoyed being an AID more than I do being an actual teacher. I was running errands all over the school, making copies for teachers, testing students individually, filling out paper work, etc. I truly believe i'm a sweeter person in that position. (Is it too late to switch my major to Business Administration?)

It's hard being a SUB. The students don't know you and they are going to try every little thing to see if they can get by with it. They will push just about every button until you are done. I admit that i've gained a lot of confidence through this experience, but I also feel like i've learned to be mean.... and that, I do not like. I notice all the time that i'm raising my voice and most of the time it's just because i'm annoyed. Some students are so stinkin' annoying - but what's truly sad is the students who are the worst are usually no ones favorite. They aren't accepted at home, they aren't accepted with their peers, and they aren't accepted from their teachers. It's like you're stuck (and they're stuck). They need love and attention, but they also need consistent discipline. They have learned that they get attention through acting negatively, so they use that to get acceptance and to be noticed. But that behavior also gets them in trouble. It's such a hard place to be. It's sad.

I've been downright rude to some of these kids because my patience runs so thin.... (I guess i'm terrified of the class/students getting out of control, me looking bad, not getting everything covered on the lesson plan, basically me me me - so i try to put my foot down and in return am extremely mean. I totally miss the point of it all.) Then my heart softens and I remember what i've been taught. You may be the only person who truly shows them you care and accepts them in a positive beneficial way. There is a way. It's not easy, and takes so much more time and patience. But it's possible.

I still do not know if i'm cut out to be a teacher. My heart feels towards those students. I feel like I truly care about some of them, but I don't know that I love teaching. And I don't know if i'm even gifted in the area of teaching.

I know that I'm very good at thinking things through (even though I tend to overanalyze) and realizing how things should be. What i'm not good at is carrying out those plans that I can see and feel in my heart. Doing is so much harder than just picturing it in your head.

Learning needs to be fun. So many kids hate school and learning because teachers don't handle it or carry it out in the right way.

I was talking with one of the kindergarten teachers last week whose classroom I was an AID in. She mentioned that if you are going to be a teacher you have to LOVE it. If you don't absolutely love it you will end up pulling out your hair or the students. I sat there thinking golly gee I don't think this is for me. But I always feel guilty. Like i'm not trying hard enough.

Love is a choice.

You can choose to like whatever job you have, whatever situation you're in, whatever posessions you can afford, etc. So part of me feels like I need to suck it up and go through with this. But still there is doubt.

I've mentioned briefly that I was considering getting my teaching ceritification through the alternative program. A friend mentioned it to me at the end of last semester and since Graduation was approaching, and I still had zero plans for my life afterwards, I decided maybe I should teach.... because, well let's face it, there is always a need for teachers no matter where you go.

My class schedule worked out to where I had Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off. Being a SUB means you get to pick when and if you work. Which means I could choose to have Tuesday and Thursday off and go to class, yet still SUB on my off days. I filled out my application, sent it in to the Administration building and waited to hear the results. The day I turned in my application was very scary. I'm dramatic, let's face it. I walked into the building and headed straight for the bathroom. I prayed outloud to God that whatever His will was, it would be accomplished. My anxiety was so so so high. I was going over my checklist over and over and over and over... I did not have a clue if I even wanted this. What in the world was I about to do?

It's nearly impossible to not get accepted to be a SUB. I knew that if I didn't get the job then it was completely the Lord closing the door and nothing more or less. We have a friend who is on the school board and she mentioned that my name was not on the list to be a SUB this year and I had not been voted on.

I remember thinking, what the heck, Lord? What am I going to do? Where do I go? What is going on? etc. A few days later I found out that I had been voted on and passed through. So then I waited for the next step.

The first day I subbed I almost cried. I believed that I could do this job, even with my insecurities, if I gave Christ my all and trusted. And I believed that I could even love it. The more I subbed, the more I grew, and the better I became. I learned to believe that I was capable. Working in the schools opens your eyes to so many things... some things that you don't really want to see or experience. It's been an interesting experience none the less.

I don't know where I was going with this post... I guess just putting my thoughts on paper (or screen?) Here's the thing. In order to go through the certification program to be a general teacher you have to have 2 of every core class - which I do not have. To be a specific teacher you need 34 hours in that subject as well as 12 upper level hours in that subject. Since i started out as a music major I have more than enough hours to cover that subject. I'm set and ready to start the program if I go the music route. But do I love teaching music or simply singing it? I don't know.

It seems like all the doors are open to go the music route, but I can't decide if i'm supposed to walk through that door.

I take a test next week that will tell me whether or not I can start the program. If I pass I can apply and begin in June. If not, then I guess we wait and see what opens next. So if you could, I'd appreciate your prayers over this situation.

You may not believe me when I say this, but honestly, i'm not worried. Even though that contradicts everything about who I usually am... haha! I know that right now I need to trust Him no matter what I choose. If I go through the program and find out that i hate it and am not fit to be a music teacher then I trust that He will provide a way and lead me somewhere else. Although it would save a lot of money if I knew beforehand. :)

Isn't He always teaching us something bigger though? It's not about finding a career, a job, a husband, etc.... it's about finding and knowing Him. Learning to recognize and discern His voice. That's what every decision is about. And that, I am so not good at.

Maybe that's the whole point of everything i'm going through right now.... to learn His voice.