It's been a while since i've written an update on how work is going. Words cannot express how much I enjoy what i'm doing. Never in a million years did I think I would end up in a public school working with children, but I really and truly love it. Thank You, Lord, for guiding my footsteps even when I felt like I had no idea where I was going. You are soveriegn and You never let me down.
The other day at work we were discussing how you know when he's the one? And well, I don't know how you know when he's the one, but I would assume it would be a lot like this job experience that i'm currently going through. I didn't hear a voice that said - Megan, you should teach. I also didn't feel a big tug on my heart. I simply had an opportunity and walked through the door (very hesitantly might I add.... my mom might have pushed me in actually. ha!). The first day I subbed in the public schools I was almost at tears after 60 minutes. My mom came to check on me and I said, "I want to go home... I can't do this." For some reason I stuck with it - He was guiding my footsteps all along the way, even though I hadn't a clue. When I continued to take one step at a time I could look back and see a continual peace that never left. Sure, there were (and still are) days when I thought I do not know if I am capable of this, is this where i'm suppose to be? But underlying all of those thoughts (and even doubts) there was a peace that was sustaining me - it never left.
It's one of the most interesting things i've ever experienced.
First, I trust that this is where He wants me because the peace hasn't left and secondly, because there is growth in my life. It's one thing to see growth in yourself, but when you have others point it out as well - it takes it to a whole new level.
One of my weaknesses is relationships. Not just dating, but getting extremely close to people in general. I don't have a problem telling you my struggles or what's going on in my life, but if you want an ongoing relationship with me - it's hard for me to open up and get comfortable. The Lord has used my position to open my heart up to relationships. I have to let people in with my job - there's no going around it. I'm becoming a more confident individual and i've made some awesome friends!
It feels great to be excited about what i'm doing. Those two years in college when I forced myself to practice piano, memorize latin/greek/spanish/etc, and perform opera for some over-the-top happy music people were some of the hardest months of my life. I knew I was good at music so I figured that's where He wanted me... and even when I dropped my major in the back of my mind there was always this guilt that I hadn't tried hard enough. There is a difference in this job than when I tried to study music. I have a passion for understanding children, seeing them learn, helping them overcome problems, and just loving on them in general. There is something inside of me that doesn't want to stop at good enough. I want to keep them engaged and get them excited about learning! I want to find ways for each individual child to understand the concept we are learning.
Call me a nerd. Happy to accept it!
The Lord is even using the struggle I had with depression and mental issues (I don't know what else to call them) in this job. No one chooses to be a bad person, something happened or is happening that is triggering what's going on.... and I have a heart that understands. It brings tears to my eyes as students are brought to mind in this very moment.
I guess what i'm trying to say in this random, scattered post is that my God is a faithful, sovereign, powerful God. He will not leave you and He will not let you down. Even when you feel like you have NO stinkin' idea where you are headed - He is guiding and will use what you're going through. He has strengthened my faith in so many areas through this experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wish I could find the words, but I don't even know how to explain it.
So for now.... I continue to learn, grow, and give my all where He has me. And if He decides to place me somewhere else - I'll take it one step at a time and trust Him along the way.
Praise You God.